I found out last night that DH has been having an affair with a close friend

[user1471525012]

This 'friend' is the mother of my son's closest friend. She's someone I will have to see every day on the school run. She's also probably the person I socialised with the most; drinks, nights out, coffee together. I would have considered her my closest friend here (we only moved to the area 3 years ago).

Apparently they only slept together on two occasions but they've been sending explicit texts every other day or so. This has been going on for nearly a year.

Her husband found some texts and confronted her, leading my husband to telling me. I told him that he was only doing so because he'd been found out, he disagreed and said he was going to tell me but (and I shit you not) 'I didn't want to spoil your birthday'.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time but I thought we were working on it. I have been very bad in my behaviour to him too - I had a drunken ONS (didn't actually have sex but did everything else) in the spring. The difference was that I immediately confessed, did everything I could in my power to make amends, stopped drinking, went to counselling, suggested marriage counselling (DH refused, said it was a waste of time, now I know why). He made me feel like a terrible person (which of course I was) and ALL THE TIME he was exchanging sexy texts with someone I thought was my friend and he'd already slept with her months before this happened.

DH is distraught, contrite, wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don't see how I can ever get past this, to be honest. I don't feel as if I will ever trust anyone again. Her betrayal hurts almost as badly as his. How could they do this to their children?

Who has excused it Glad? No one as far as I can see. What there has been is a discussion about levels of betrayal, and whether a drunken one time fumble (with no sex involved) can be classed as being on the same level as a sober considered deliberate betrayal over a period of a year with someone close to the family. Personally I think that no, it cant.

OP... ignore the pathetic bitches on here - or better still, take a note of their names and when some of them post for support - remind them of their nastiness on your thread. They're kicking you when you've asked for support and are not worth your time and response.

You confessed your betrayal, your husband did not. That is key really. Your ONS hasn't impacted your children but your husband's affair with your friend will have. It's a double betrayal.

What do you want to do going forwards? Do you think you want to save your marriage? Is it worth saving? What was it that led you to your ONS? Was that resolved or on its way to being resolved? Has your husband given you any indication that he is truly remorseful and if so, what is your gut telling you?

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation? I think perhaps I would need time to think without seeing his face and having to listen to his excuses. So, I would ask him to move out for now - to carry on seeing the children and being their dad - but without interacting with you. That should give you some time and space to think about what you want to do next.

If you can blot out the pointless thigh-rubbing posts, there has been good advice and support for you... don't let anybody chase you away, it's your thread and you have every right to post on it without being abused.

I don't think either the op or anyone else on this thread is trying to excuse the ONS. Everyone knows it was unacceptable. But I still maintain both infidelities are in a different level. A couple of wks ago, Ds1 ate a bar of chocolate he knew I was saving in the fridge. He admitted it when I came home. Is this the same level of stealing as if he had systematically taken a regular £20 from my purse? Not to me it isn't.

Yes, because that's exactly the same sort of thing... ffs.

Sorry Property, unnecessarily snippy at you then. I know what you're saying, it's just the analogy is a very incomparable thing.

I'm just saying there's differing degrees of betrayal. Ds nicked my chocolate. He stole it. I was cross, but a systematic approach to stealing over an entire year would be a whole different level of deceit.

I get that infidelity is different but I disagree that a ONS that didn't even include sex and that created such remorse that the op confessed and stopped drinking can possibly be seen as the same level of betrayal as sleeping with her best friend got the past year.

What Ops husband did is far worse. It was deliberate, plotted, planned, sober, for a full year, with no regret. A drunken fumble, when you are unhappy in your marriage, whilst not good, is not as bad as what he has done.

It's like saying that someone who accidentally runs someone over, is just as evil as Jack the Ripper.

You poor girl.
My heart goes out to you

Sending you and sorry people have been so unsupportive, his behaviour does not even begin to compare to yours, I'm so sorry you are going through this

cafecreme for me infidelity is infidelity, I don't care how you dress is up. I'm pretty laid back but that is my line in the sand. I appreciate some people think differently though.

OP isn't asking for other people's standpoint on this, she's asking for support. So many posters have just piled on her to tell her how disgraceful she is (she isn't) and that they wouldn't do that... well whoop de doo, who cares about what you or I would do?

Some people are just thick - and spiteful.

A ONS is definitively not the same as a long-term relationship with someone else. I don't get why so many of you are being so irrationally nasty with the OP. And implying that she's a bad mother just because she's slept with someone else is insulting.

I hope you are OK, OP, and you can find a way forward in this difficult situation.

I couldn't get past it I'm afraid especially if it was a friend as well it's like a double betrayal.
Xx

As an outside observer, I think that a long term affair and to really worsen it, with a friend of yours, is far worse than a drunken fumble.

I really think I'd move, OP and have a fresh start. I know I couldn't bear to see her face day in, day out.

so you need to get yourself a plan now OP. Is there my chance he can stay somewhere else so you can get your head straight?

I'm so very sorry OP. My H cheated with a close friend of mine, someone to whom I'd offered nothing but kindness and support as her own marriage was failing. I'll never recover from the damage that they both did to me; I lost faith in both him and the very idea that I could trust my own judgement with anyone else. I hope that you can find the strength to put this mess behind you, I wish you all the very best.

I'm really sorry you're in this position. A similar situation happened in our small school and the OW found, to her surprise, that the other mothers actually took an extremely dim view of her behaviour. Her initial chirpiness gave way very quickly and she ended up being very low key at school events. I can't imagine how horrendous it is now but time will help in the long run.