I found out last night that DH has been having an affair with a close friend

[user1471525012]

This 'friend' is the mother of my son's closest friend. She's someone I will have to see every day on the school run. She's also probably the person I socialised with the most; drinks, nights out, coffee together. I would have considered her my closest friend here (we only moved to the area 3 years ago).

Apparently they only slept together on two occasions but they've been sending explicit texts every other day or so. This has been going on for nearly a year.

Her husband found some texts and confronted her, leading my husband to telling me. I told him that he was only doing so because he'd been found out, he disagreed and said he was going to tell me but (and I shit you not) 'I didn't want to spoil your birthday'.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time but I thought we were working on it. I have been very bad in my behaviour to him too - I had a drunken ONS (didn't actually have sex but did everything else) in the spring. The difference was that I immediately confessed, did everything I could in my power to make amends, stopped drinking, went to counselling, suggested marriage counselling (DH refused, said it was a waste of time, now I know why). He made me feel like a terrible person (which of course I was) and ALL THE TIME he was exchanging sexy texts with someone I thought was my friend and he'd already slept with her months before this happened.

DH is distraught, contrite, wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don't see how I can ever get past this, to be honest. I don't feel as if I will ever trust anyone again. Her betrayal hurts almost as badly as his. How could they do this to their children?

I'm going to ask MNHQ to delete this thread. I wish I had never posted it as it's made me feel ten times worse, something I didn't believe was actually possible.

Its been more like AIBU than relationships! Hope you can move forward OP.

user I'm so sorry that a place that should offer support has made you feel worse.

Unfortunately you will always get the 'Your poor children!' brigade, but please try to ignore them. Your children will be absolutely fine, as will you.

If you do go ahead and get MNHQ to remove the thread, I very much hope that you'll find the support elsewhere that you need.

Good luck

I don't think this is about establishing moral high ground or rights and wrongs..it's about the OP dealing with what she's facing now. Unfaithful husband; betrayal by friend - that's a lot of loss to deal with - plus all the feelings of guilt and confusion around the ONS. I'd recommend some individual therapy to unpick your feelings and help you care for yourself at this difficult time.

And-

Shame on you, all those who saw fit to kick a woman while she was down.

I hope you all feel extremely proud of yourselves. You can really pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.

Well I don't see the two the same, you had a ONS, he's been sleeping with your best friend for a year, two entirely different scenarios and you did over and beyond to try and fix and rectify your marriage, what has he done apart from lie, cheat and do the worst thing possible to you, and for a year, big difference to a ONS!

I'd call it a day if I was you, there's no trust there, definitely not from your POV anyway, what he has done is unforgiveable.

can u not persuade him to go to counselling again?

obviouly u need outside help now-thats not a friend btw

OP - as I posted, I agree with the others who think that there is no way that both your actions are comparable. I could imagine forgiving my DH if he had done what you did. I would be furious, and it would take some considerable effort on his part, but I would not ditch our decades together for one evening of stupidity. However i could never ever forgive a year or more of utter betrayal of not only our relationship, but a friendship, and my child's friendship. What you did was foolish, and I think probably prompted by the misery in your marriage that was being caused by the affair your husband was having. What he did is just terrible. Cruel and so deceitful. I don't see how there is any comparison. It is like comparing nicking sweets to battering an old lady.

Absolutely disgusted at the replies upthread. I would love to live in their world, where things are black and white, people are good or bad- actually no, I wouldn't because that would be shit and I wouldn't want to surrounded by people with the emotional intelligence of a shellfish.

OP, people make mistakes, it's human nature, but it's how you deal with those mistakes that says what sort of person you are. Your respective responses to each infidelity shows the difference between you and your outlook on the relationship. And FWIW a ONS with a comparative stranger is nothing compared to a full blown emotional and physical affair with a close family friend. Nowhere near. Their actions have an instant impact not only on the OP's marriage, but also a close (haha) friendship between OP and the OW, as well as that of their children. Quite how anyone thinks the two circumstances are comparible is beyond me.

A LTR is a marathon, not a sprint- sometimes you fall or stumble, but you either have to get yourself back up again or know when to call it a day. I think you know where you are yourself.

If you want to try and reconcile you can, but your husband is a hypocritical knowing he was unfaithful long before you were.

How old are your DCs? Could you change schools? Because seeing her will be a constant trigger and won't let you heal from this .

Only you can really decide what you want to do OP.

Do you feel like the marriage is worth saving?Do you think that you'll be tempted again or that he will?

For you both to have been someone else shows that there must have been something missing for both of you.If you think your marriage is worth saving for yourselfs not for your DC that very rarely works and you think you can trust each other again then I'd say go for it.
Talk to one another and be honest and open no matter what the answers are don't use them as a weapon,don't throw them back in each others faces now or in the future otherwise neither of you will ever be able to move on weather together or apart.

You sound in s terrible situation. It sounds like your one night stand was a symptom and not a cause and you weren't in the best of places. You've had a double betrayal and I can see you are absolutely gutted. It looks like make or break now. Is there any love there at all? Do you think you'd be better apart? Please keep talking to us hopefully the nasty people will do one. No judgement here life is not always straight forward.

Considering that this long term affair was already happening when you cheated, I wonder if the state of the marriage (though you didn't know why) contributed to it.
If your husband was a better person he would have admitted at the same time that you did, rather than enjoy being the injured party, all the while sleeping with someone else.

If he had done that, perhaps you could have worked through your problems together.

Unfortunately I don't think there is a way forwards with him now.

I would also look to move if possible for s fresh start away from OW.

Sounds horrible. Post another thread if you like, rather than this one, because there are people on here who will support you.

Sorry OP you are getting such vile responses, you poor thing. I'm not saying that there's an excuse to cheat, so I can't condone your previous behaviour, but I think you did what you could to try to save your marriage after that. Your husband has committed the ultimate betrayal really because there is a difference between some oral sex ONS (which obviously isn't good, but could be forgivable in time with some work to rebuild trust etc in the relationship), but he has been having a long-term affair with someone you thought was your best friend.

Clearly your marriage has broken down beyond repair after this and I can definitely see why you wouldn't be able to look past it.

I think given that you've both strayed, it might be best to cut your losses and live separate lives now.

I don't think you're a bad mother and totally disagree with previous responses to suggest that you are. However I do agree that children do pick up on unhappy parents and that can affect them badly too, so I think you ought to factor in your children's feelings in making your decision as to what to do next because don't think for a minute that they won't notice if you and your DH cannot stand to be in the same room as each other.

Good luck OP and I hope you can find some happiness soon X

I hope that the bullies on here are proud of themselves. Why be so mean. Just move on if you can't be helpful. It's disgraceful!!!

I also think his actions have been far worse than yours. You need to work out how you want to move on with this once the shock subsided. It is one hell of a betrayal.

Has your 'friend' been in contact with you?

op you've had more positive responses than negative now. Please come back and let us know how you are and keep talking.

I think that couples counselling needs to be a condition of starting afresh, OP. And the woman needs to be blocked by him - no excuses - your children are best friends currently, but arrangements relating to your child and hers can be made via text to/from you. Good luck.

OK, so you had a ONS some time ago, confessed and have been contrite.
He has a sleazy affair with your best mate, has confessed and is contrite.

You feel you can't get past it, and can never trust him again.
Did he feel like that when you had your ONS?

I'm not getting at you; it does seem a bit 6of one etc. If you do want to remain in a relationship with him, then your problems date back a loong way. Yes you both need counselling, possibly together as well as separately.

Whatever you decide, you both need to face up to you've each done and in the immediate term make things less toxic for your children. That may well mean separate homes.

Thanks all. I'm feeling a bit calmer now.

No, I don't think there's anything worth saving and I certainly don't want my children growing up in a home full of tension and distrust. I said this to DH when we were talking after my confession.

I will definitely make an appointment with my therapist again.

I've heard nothing from former friend nor do I want to hear anything. I keep thinking about how much time we've spent together in the past few months; days out with the children, cinema trips etc and all that time she was hiding this affair.

I don't really want to move and disrupt the children's lives any more than they will be. I'm just going to have to deal with seeing her, I think, God knows how.

Your H is a hypocritical shit.

Happy to fuck around and treat you badly then as soon as you make a mistake which didn't include sex happy to use it as a big stick to beat you with.

As soon as he is found out it is boohoo I am sorry.

I doubt it was twice. Not over a year.

You can never trust him over the way he treated you while doing far worse right on your doorstep.

I really don't understand some of the trolls on here. I can only assume that they have real problems in their own life if they have to pick holes in other people who are looking for support

OP your world has been turned upside down and it's not going to be easy for you. If DH is serious about doing whatever he can, and you are too, will he try Relate? Even if you eventually decide to split up then it helps to get things out in the open and process things without descending into a shouting match.

As for your 'friend'- as you didn't marry her I'd dump her like a ton of bricks. What a complete and utter…how devastating

cross post sorry

I meant to say that when DH sat me down last night and told me he had some 'indiscretions' to admit to, I genuinely thought he was going to confess to one or two ONS on his trips up to London with his mates. I actually could have got past that, seeing what happened with me. People make mistakes, people aren't really built to be naturally monogamous.

But to know that he has been lying, both openly and by omission, for nearly a year - that they both have - that's not forgiveable.

I made the mistake of believing my ex who had an amazing capacity to lie.

I learnt the hard way if they maintain a big lie once, it will happen repeatedly.