I found out last night that DH has been having an affair with a close friend

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This 'friend' is the mother of my son's closest friend. She's someone I will have to see every day on the school run. She's also probably the person I socialised with the most; drinks, nights out, coffee together. I would have considered her my closest friend here (we only moved to the area 3 years ago).

Apparently they only slept together on two occasions but they've been sending explicit texts every other day or so. This has been going on for nearly a year.

Her husband found some texts and confronted her, leading my husband to telling me. I told him that he was only doing so because he'd been found out, he disagreed and said he was going to tell me but (and I shit you not) 'I didn't want to spoil your birthday'.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time but I thought we were working on it. I have been very bad in my behaviour to him too - I had a drunken ONS (didn't actually have sex but did everything else) in the spring. The difference was that I immediately confessed, did everything I could in my power to make amends, stopped drinking, went to counselling, suggested marriage counselling (DH refused, said it was a waste of time, now I know why). He made me feel like a terrible person (which of course I was) and ALL THE TIME he was exchanging sexy texts with someone I thought was my friend and he'd already slept with her months before this happened.

DH is distraught, contrite, wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don't see how I can ever get past this, to be honest. I don't feel as if I will ever trust anyone again. Her betrayal hurts almost as badly as his. How could they do this to their children?

I don't think what you did was anything like what he did and can't understand other posters being so sanctimonious when they clearly have no empathy for someone in distress. Must be lovely people..

Nobody is perfect and people make all sorts of mistakes. But there's 'mistakes' and there's how you deal with them.

Marriage is shit - you end up having a drunken fumble with someone (MISTAKE) and you are an adult about it, change behaviour, show contrition and honesty and want to work so it doesn't happen again - probably the best way to deal with mistake.

Marriage is shit - you get too close to a female friend (MISTAKE) so you carry it on as a full blown affair for a year while pretending you are holier than thou and do not admit any failing on your part in it - really, really NOT the way to deal with the initial error in judgement.

There is not a single person on this earth who by the time they reach adulthood hasn't done something that's hurt someone else. Whether they are a cunt or not depends on how they dealt with their actions. Doesn't matter if it's on purpose or inadvertent. While what you did wasn't great, and maybe would spell the end of the marriage in some circumstances, what he did is so much worse. Don't we teach children that it's not ok to do something bad but it's worse to lie or hide it? How is that different when looking at adult behaviour?

It does sound a bit as if you both deep down know the marriage is over and have both behaved in destructive ways (though I totally agree his is worse) - and that maybe it would be a relief to end it?

Yes it is hard on the kids but so is growing up with parents in an unhappy marriage. If it's over, it's over and better to move on.

Re the friend, well she's betrayed you big time. OK both you and he have been unfaithful, but you didn't do anything to her! If you have to see her I think total dignity and arm's length is the way forward. Don't try to discuss it. She's the one who should be feeling awful.

What is the point of marriage though if you are both ok with ONS, surely it signifies something fundamentally wrong in the relationship, you both seem to turn to others for sex and comfort instead of each other, I really think the relationship has been dead for some time.

It's not the kind I'd want, nothing wrong with being faithful, it strengthens you as a couple and is not difficult if you both truly love each other.

I can see the Op's point, a drunken mistaken fumble that didn't result in DTD followed by genuine remorse is different than an affair, where both parties have affectively cheated on you, one on your marriage and one on your friendship. With the sneaking around and lying that would have happened.

I can understand that you feel hurt by this, it does sound like your H has checked out of the marriage, how do you feel about that and building a future for you co parenting but divorced?

I said I could have got past a ONS, not that it was okay to have them! Of course it bloody isn't.

I don't agree that you are both as bad as each other like some people have said.

You had a ONS and confessed all and I bet he made you feel like shit for what you had done and yet at the same time he was doing the same (and worse) and didn't say a word.

TBH your ONS would have been a perfect opportunity for him to confess what he had done, wipe the slate clean and start again but he didn't.

This makes me think that he is untrustworthy as he carried on even when you were supposed to be sorting your marriage out.

What you need to do is to seriously think about whether you want this marriage to work and whether or not you can move on from this.

I think that now is the time to think about what you want NOT what he wants.

And dangermouse, yes, he's lied successfully for over a year, to me, to her husband. What's stopping him from doing it again?

Thanks again to you all. I'm offline for a while now but I really appreciate your posts.

Wow there are some nasty people on here.

A drunken ONS that didnt include sex when someones self esteem is really low is shit yes, but I wouldnt put it on the same level as a calculated sober deception that has gone on for a YEAR!

There is no comparison. And I agree with a PP about how you deal with it. The OP wanted and tried to fix things, but he "didnt see the point", because he was cheating himself, for longer and much closer to home.

I rather suspect that he doesnt want the OP to chuck him out because OW will not be leaving her husband so her "D"H knows he will be on his own, and not because he is invested in their marriage.

You actually said you could get past one or two ONS - my point being when is enough, enough.

There should be no cheating whatsoever in a marriage or even a committed relationship unless both are in agreement about it being an open one.

You are obviously more forgiving, I'd not be, to me it's the most important factor in my relationship - no trust, no nothing.

I hope you have support from friends to help you get through this.

You don't have to get past it if you don't want to.

Perhaps he "got past" your ONS because of what he was doing & without that the marriage might have ended there.

I assume he has confessed because they were found out rather than because of any genuine regret.

I think knowing the relationship is over or not is important in deciding your future plans. Hopefully she has kicked him into touch because she wants to keep her marriage so won't want the playground Mafia knowing what she is like so simply ignoring her is an option...... If she leaves her husband to be with yours and brazen so it out it's a very different and more difficult situation.

I ended my marriage not because he cheated but because his cheating killed the trust and the lies he'd told make rebuilding impossible. He was only sorry he was caught out at the time but a couple of years later I got a genuine apology once he had realised ....bit late then .

I'm sorry to say that once there are 3 people in a marriage, it will never be the same no matter how people like to kid themselves.
Move on, look after yourself, be happy, it hurts I know, but it will pass, plan yr great single life ( with kids!) go away with yr girlfriends and in time you might find a smashing fella who treats you how you deserve to be treated, good luck! ;)

I don't think his behaviour has been any worse than yours. But it's done now. The way that you're talking you know it's over anyway. It's fine to be angry with him, it was fine for him to be angry with you. Just don't waste time arguing over who has the right to be more angry. Pick yourself up and make a life without him, you'll feel
better for it on the long run. Good luck.

Nowhere in your original post do you say if you actually want to save your marriage in light of the new revelations. Do you want to move past him or is it time to call it quits.

That has to be what you decide before doing anything. (esp kicking him out as there may be no coming back from that)

Sometimes I come across a thread that makes me ashamed to be a long standing poster on mumsnet.

The op isn't asking for a wife of the year award. She knows what she did was unacceptable. Because she knows this, she confessed immediately, stopped drinking and started attending therapy. That doesn't make it right but it shows that the op knows it was wrong. She has also stated that her marriage was in a bad place and her husband was treating her badly. She's in no way trying to excuse her behaviour but it's ridiculous to say that a year long affair with her closest friend is comparable esp as he failed to confess when she did and allowed her to accept the flack all the while he was shagging her best mate; worse, the mother of his son's best friend!

Op, you did a stupid thing. It was wrong and irresponsible but you clearly know this. Don't listen to people telling you that his wrong is no worse than yours. It is. They have both betrayed you massively. I'm not sure if I could ever forgive DH for a ONS. Maybe, when I looked at the circumstances. But no way could I ever forgive a year long affair and with my best friend. No way.

op. Good luck with it. Your Ds may also need support when it all comes out.

RestlessTraveller you seriously think a drunken ONS is the same as your DH cheating on you, with your closest friend, for over a year? Neither are good, but the year of cheating with your closest friend FAR out does a drunken ONS/fumble.

Not to mention she confessed to it etc, she went to counselling, tried to get him to go too, tried to work on their marriage - he allowed her to feel shitty & responsible for everything and all the whiles he's fucking her closest friend...

It's not the same OP and I'm sorry for some of the horrible, sanctimonious abuse you've received off some of the pricks on here.

Could I get past a ONS? Possibly with time. Could I get past my DH deceiving me for a year? No. Could I get past the humiliation of him and my friend conspiring against me, and making me feel like shit when they were up to much worse? No.

You need to leave, for you the ONS was obviously a sign for you that your marriage was unhappy. Your DH is an awful person.

I think some of the posters here need to remember what it might feel like to be in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you...

Whilst the affair is in full swing the wife is dealing with a situation that very much feels like she is walking around banging into glass walls - and she has no idea why. Something is wrong in her world - yet she can't quite figure out what - the response to this is high levels of anxiety and stress. Those high levels of anxiety and stress can lead so some pretty unsavoury behaviours - for example increased drinking etc. The increase in drinking means the wife can say and do some pretty stupid stuff. But the 'checked out' husband and the weight of the lying and deceit is the underlying cause.

I can well remember getting absolutely trashed one new years eve and acting like a complete twat to everyone around me - my responsibility I know - but 2 months later I found out about my husbands ongoing affair - and was able to look at my own behaviour in retrospect through the lenses of the invisible stresses I was under.

OP - I am sorry you are going through this - the betrayal from your husband and your friend is immense. I hope you have other family and friends whom you can rely on for support. Just be prepared for further revelations as time goes on, and try to protect your own dignity.

I don't think one should 'quantify' infidelity. You had a ONS, he had an affair. Both are 'trust-breaking' in equal amounts. You can't say 'Oh, I only broke his trust a little bit because mine was a ONS, he broke my trust a whole lot with his affair. He's 'worse' than I am'. Broken trust is broken trust, end of.

The difference is you took action to make amends. Obviously he didn't try to meet you halfway. Now he wants to make amends and you aren't interested. Can't say that I blame you there. But it does mean that it's time to call it a day. Best thing now is to see a solicitor and move forward to separating as peacefully as possible for your DC.

Infidelity is an absolute deal breaker for me. Wouldn't matter if my DH got a drunken BJ in an alley one night or had a full blown affair with my best friend. And I hold myself to the same standard as I hold him.

I have been in the same situation - my husband (now ExH) was shagging my best friend. The double deceit is terrible.

I can't believe that ANYONE would think that your drunken ONS, which you felt immediate remorse about and confessed, is comparable AT ALL, to him lying to your face (SOBER) for almost a year. And, with your best friend! His actions are FAR, FAR worse. All the plotting and lying and most likely texting her when sat in the same room as you. And letting you think that you were the only one who had strayed, as well. And only telling you because the affair had been discovered, so not by choice.

The ramifications of this are huge. I can remember having to see my "best friend" all the bloody time : on the school run, at parents nights....nightmare. Oh and always wondering whether you would bump in to each other at the shops etc.

Fast forward 8 years and I am now happily remarried and kids have left school. DH works in town 30 mins away and we've moved here. It is lovely knowing that I will most likely never bump in to her again.

I think the way forward, is to cut them both out of your life.

And forgive yourself. You were in a bad place when you had your ONS. Mrs FrisbyMouse described very well, how you were probably feeling at the time.

And ignore the posts about your kids....I am sure you are a lovely Mum, you're just going through a hard time. It will pass. Good luck xx

I've found the beginning of this thread absolutely jawdropping. Utter nastiness towards someone who is asking for help. No, OP is not perfect... do only perfect people deserve help or sympathy?

I disagree Across. Misdemeanours come in different sizes and levels of seriousness. I 'forgot' to tell DH about a pair of shoes I bought (and really needed) because he huffs and puffs about money being spent. Hardly the same as bleeding one of our accounts dry without discussion.
A drunken, spontaneous sexless ONS , which was immediately admitted to and much regretted - AKA a MISTAKE - is NOT on a par with a long term affair, with its daily lies, and deceitful and manipulative behaviour.

OP, I pretty much agree with everything SirVix and MrsFrisby said.

I hope you find the help you need to move on in the way that's best for you.

I strongly disagree with anyone who says your ONS can be excused because his affair lasted longer.
You were both unfaithful, just in different ways.