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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I found out last night that DH has been having an affair with a close friend

117 replies

user1471525012 · 24/08/2016 10:55

This 'friend' is the mother of my son's closest friend. She's someone I will have to see every day on the school run. She's also probably the person I socialised with the most; drinks, nights out, coffee together. I would have considered her my closest friend here (we only moved to the area 3 years ago).

Apparently they only slept together on two occasions but they've been sending explicit texts every other day or so. This has been going on for nearly a year.

Her husband found some texts and confronted her, leading my husband to telling me. I told him that he was only doing so because he'd been found out, he disagreed and said he was going to tell me but (and I shit you not) 'I didn't want to spoil your birthday'.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time but I thought we were working on it. I have been very bad in my behaviour to him too - I had a drunken ONS (didn't actually have sex but did everything else) in the spring. The difference was that I immediately confessed, did everything I could in my power to make amends, stopped drinking, went to counselling, suggested marriage counselling (DH refused, said it was a waste of time, now I know why). He made me feel like a terrible person (which of course I was) and ALL THE TIME he was exchanging sexy texts with someone I thought was my friend and he'd already slept with her months before this happened.

DH is distraught, contrite, wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don't see how I can ever get past this, to be honest. I don't feel as if I will ever trust anyone again. Her betrayal hurts almost as badly as his. How could they do this to their children?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 24/08/2016 11:51

You poor thing, what a shock.

I do think you've lost some of the moral highground by having a ONS. However, that doesn't remotely excuse his behaviour. I do think having sex with a friend is an additional level of betrayal - it's not just hurt from him, it's hurt by her too.

Your relationship sounds like it's in total meltdown. I think you need to get some counselling together and figure out whether you can repair this, and whether you want to invest the emotional energy. For both parties to have affairs, something really isn't working and perhaps you would be happier going your separate ways.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/08/2016 11:52

I suppose this is all quite self serving. You don't know how you'll forgive him but you cheated on him too. At the time that you cheated, you didn't know he was as well. It sounds rather ungenuine to then ask how they could do this to their children. You did too.

I suppose the next step is to ascertain if there is anything worth saving, and if there is, if you both want to save it. It will take a lot to rebuild trust on both sides.

PotteringAlong · 24/08/2016 11:52

You might not think it was such a bad betrayal but the reality is you both looked elsewhere simulaneously. No one is saying that you're a shit person and a shit mother, they're pointing out that you cannot beat your chest and cry "how could he cheat on me?" When you cheated on him too. Also, as you asked him to get past that fact, then you need to consider whether it's fair to say you cannot get past it. And it might be, so you will have to walk away. Big you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about the state of your relationship.

GeneralBobbit · 24/08/2016 11:53

So he had an affair first and then lied about it because he wanted the moral high ground when you got drunk and cheated once.

I think he's done much more wrong than you as he's been continuing the affair for months.

LTB.

DoofusMcfoofus · 24/08/2016 11:53

OP it doesn't matter if the ONS is a person that is unknown to your DH and that your DH has slept with someone that is known to you, they are both a betrayal in their own right. That is a very strange way of looking at things. You can't say 'Ok so I slept with someone but it's not as bad as him because I know the person he slept with'.

Your marriage is clearly in trouble and you need to decide whether or not you can work on it but need to accept that the blame is equally laid at your doors.

FoxyLaRoxy · 24/08/2016 11:53

Chin up chick! You've had a nasty shock. It's easy to judge from behind a screen when you are not going through it.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/08/2016 11:54

I don't see how a drunken ONS that didn't end in sex, and was confessed right away and addressed, is as bad as a long term affair with a close friend of your wife? I also imagine you had the ONS as your marriage was floundering, and that the floundering was in part due to his affair with your friend. I would find it very hard to forgive his massive betrayal. he could have confessed when you did and taken all the steps to try and save your marriage, but he didn't, which to me says that he is deceitful generally and doesn't really want to put any effort into making your marriage work. I think if he won't go to relationship counselling then your marriage doesn't really have a future. I'm sorry OP.

purplefox · 24/08/2016 11:55

Your marriage sounds toxic and you will be better off apart.There's no love, respect or trust here, what's left? Misery.

DoofusMcfoofus · 24/08/2016 11:55

Sorry missied out the both of at the end.

DiddysMammy · 24/08/2016 11:59

You had an affair. He had an affair. Do you have a marriage worth saving?

Took the words out of my mouth. You both need to sit down and decide if you actually want to be together. Then you need to make plans for the children to avoid the backlash of a family breakdown.

I was in a similar situation as a kid. My dad cheated on my mum several times and when my mum found out it had been going on for years.. If my dad had just told my mum that he didn't want to be with her we could have started a new life away from the tension and suffering.

I really hope you come to a conclusion soon x for the sake of you and the children

ladybagpuss · 24/08/2016 12:00

I don't think you're shit OP, I think you're human and feeling very hurt. Of course, having a ONS isn't the right thing to do in a marriage but I don't think it compares to someone deliberately scheming over 12 months and who takes advantage of the fact you cheated to make you feel worse, when he was doing that at exactly the same time and in a prolonged and systematic way. The hypocrisy would kill this for me based on that alone.

I'd suggest professional help but the feelings of betrayal from both him and her would do for me in this instance.

TheOptimisticPessimist · 24/08/2016 12:00

Oh for fucks sake. There is a MASSIVE difference between a one off event and a sustained and continuing breach of trust.

No. Cheating full stop is not ok. A one night stand is not ok and I would fully support anyone that chose to leave their partner in that situation (I would too). But it is in no way the same as a year long affair, particularly not with someone else close to you.

A year of lying, betrayal, sneaking, constantly thinking and calculating how to get away with your behaviour is clearly worse than a one off decision that you then came clean about and did your best to fix. It doesn't mean the ONS isn't also bad and a perfectly understandable reason to split but it doesn't come close to the damage a year of such manipulative behaviour can do, ESPECIALLY if he had the brass neck to play the victim when he found out about it, even though he was ALREADY CHEATING.

Op I'm sorry this has all happened and I'm sorry you've been given such a kicking. I do think the comments saying you are probably better off splitting are correct though - I don't know how you could salvage this. You are clearly both miserable and that's not how life should be

newworldnow · 24/08/2016 12:00

Having a ONS was a symptom not the cause. Not good though.
However your DH has been deceiving you with a friend and that is beyond awful for you. Also it involves your ds as he is friends with OW child. Despicable.
Don't believe a word they say. Slept together twice? Don't think so do you?
Do not let him use ONS in any way as you were honest and tried to make amends when he was already cheating on you. Are you sure he hasn't cheated before?
Check phone and bank records.
Do not let him blame you.

MrsFarm · 24/08/2016 12:01

Sorry you are getting such crappy responses on here, these people are tough!!

You had a ONS which yes, is awful, but having a long going affair with your close friend is so much worse. you need to split up, you need to move and you need to get some counselling. You need to make sure your kids are okay and will be okay. You will never trust him again so just leave it.

Shodan · 24/08/2016 12:01

I do think that what your DH has done is worse, actually. Far worse. A year of betrayal and lies compared to a drunken one night stand? Who is saying 'Fuck you' more?

And your friend was involved in it too. So a double betrayal.

Regardless- I wouldn't bother with this marriage anymore, user. Sometimes relationships aren't meant to last, even married ones. Do both of you a favour and call time.

AdjustableWench · 24/08/2016 12:01

The thing that I find awful about this situation is the hypocrisy of the husband who was already having a long term affair when the wife confessed to a one night stand. He obviously has some kind of bizarre sense of entitlement and apparently has no interest in trying to work on the marriage. Unfortunately I don't think there's much hope for the marriage in these circumstances. If my partner did this to me I'd probably leave him.

Evilstepmum01 · 24/08/2016 12:03

How horrid. Yes, you've both made mistakes, but I can see how him having an affair with your friend would hurt.
I would suggest you both have time apart from each other, you speak to your family, friends and calm down. Then see if you want to give this marriage another try with counselling.
Right now, you need to be on your own and concentrating on you and your kids.
Be open with your kids, they must be feeling the tension.
Best wishes, I hope you find some solution and peace.

sn1ce · 24/08/2016 12:03

You know when people say MN has gone to the dogs, used to be better etc? Well the awful responses on this thread are a prime example. There used to be tough no nonsense advice with a side order of sympathy .Now there's appalling rudeness and lack of decency

SouthWindsWesterly · 24/08/2016 12:05

Yes - both parties have cheated and betrayed. However I can see why OP is saying that actually a difference in having a ONS without FP sex and PS with a close friend and clearly an emotional and sexual affair. OP states that she immediately confessed and then took action immediately afterwards. The difference here is that the husband only confessed because he got found out and it's been going on for sometime.

OP - it's clear you need space apart plus counselling. I would also suggest that you steer clear of your former friend despite the school run and activities. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Can you take a break with the kids and go away?

newworldnow · 24/08/2016 12:05

He will be admitting to one more sexual encounter than you. He is lying without a doubt. My friends dh had an affair and he was managing five times a week. Nipping to the supermarket, going to the gym, filling car up with petrol, on way home from work etc etc
I don't want to be blindsided by his lies.

Original poster

user1471525012 · 24/08/2016 12:12

I was going to post a link to the thread about my ONS and the circumstances in which it took place and how I was being treated by DH at the time and had been for years beforehand. But you know what? Why fucking bother?

I'm going to ask MNHQ to delete this thread. I wish I had never posted it as it's made me feel ten times worse, something I didn't believe was actually possible.

Thanks to all who have posted reasoned responses, I appreciate your candour.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 24/08/2016 12:21

OP, please don't delete the thread. Some nicer people will be along, I'm sure.

It sounds like you made a mistake, and yes, a bad one, but you tried to pay for it. Your husband sounds like an out and out dick. I can't see how anything but a separation is in order, no matter how sorry he might be.

FoxyLaRoxy · 24/08/2016 12:22

Please don't let a few nasty trolls with nothing better to do get you down. There are some really good people here who will give you some excellent advice. Have you spoken to your husband anymore?

YelloDraw · 24/08/2016 12:23

It is absolute cuntish behavior to have your wife confess to her ONS and beg for forgiveness... all the time you are shagging her best friend and have been for over a year.

MegEmski · 24/08/2016 12:24

Crikey, people are nasty. Wow. I hope you wouldn't speak to your friends like that if they came with a similar issue.

OP, you have my sympathy. I don't think there is a marriage left to save now unfortunately. Seeing her every day will be so hard. Can you move away?

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