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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving tomorrow. Scared witless.

107 replies

flyblossom · 23/08/2016 10:39

Hello. A couple of weeks ago I had a thread about leaving my partner, I'm sorry I don't know how to link.
Well, d day is tomorrow. I've managed to find a 3 bedroom bungalow that accepts hb which was a feat in itself!
Tomorrow I have hired a van, it's coming at 9.30.
I have packed as much as I can without him noticing.
It's just that I feel so guilty. He literally has no clue whatsoever.
He's being nice at the moment, probably because everything is going his way.
I signed the tenancy today so there's no going back.
I know I'm doing the right thing, I keep reminding myself how he acts and treats us (my 2 dd).
I just feel really guilty and sad for him.
I'm not going to tell him to his face, I know it's cowardly but I am really scared. I was going to leave a note. I have told him before that I wanted to leave but he made me feel really guilty and that he only critisizes us to help us.
I'm sorry I'm rambling but my mind is going 100 miles an hour. I feel sick and want to cry.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Darcychu · 23/08/2016 11:07

Im Proud of you, Too many times i hear of people who just stay not matter how bad it is.. so really proud of you for standing up for you and your child, I was 15 when my mum left my dad( although not bio dad) and i was pleased as he wasn't good for her.

Now shes much happier and is actually engaged to a wonderful guy that calls me his daughter, I would dread to think what she would be like is she hadnt of left.

You did the right thing

mrsnoon · 23/08/2016 11:09

Haven't read your last thread but just wanted to say good luck.

homeaway · 23/08/2016 11:11

Good luck

MessyBun247 · 23/08/2016 11:14

Good luck, it won't be easy but your life is about to change for the better. Flowers

LadyPenelope68 · 23/08/2016 11:15

Good luck and stay positive! Flowers

DaDman66 · 23/08/2016 11:16

Is there any nearby who can be there with you at the time? I've not read your previous thread but you say your scared so that suggests you have reason to be.

What you've done is amazing. Just remember that it's the right thing to do to work towards a happy future for you all.

Good luck.

DoreenLethal · 23/08/2016 11:17

Wow - well done you.

The feeling you feel can be viewed negatively as being scared, and positively as being excited. Imagine NOT being criticised every day :)

Don't worry about leaving a note - anyone who treats his partner and child badly doesn't deserve any more than that. Just remember today and tonight that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

BeMorePanda · 23/08/2016 11:18

well done & good luck.

don't waste your sadness and guilt on him - he's a grown up and in control of his own life, just as you are.

You've done really well to organise everything so far & you are making really important changes in your lives.

Flowers
KittyKrap · 23/08/2016 11:24

Well done!
It IS scary and you may have doubts but never go back, you and the dd's will be so much happier.
Flowers

MsKite · 23/08/2016 11:28

Well done! Will you be safe when leaving? Is there anyone who can support you? Is your partner violent?

DearMrDilkington · 23/08/2016 11:35

Well done you! Will he be there tomorrow when the van comes? Make sure you don't give him your new address if his aggressive. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible and good luckFlowers.

Original poster
flyblossom · 23/08/2016 12:01

Thanks for all your encouraging messages.
He won't be here tomorrow. I don't have anyone in rl to be there with me.
He gets very, very angry. He slams doors and punches and kicks furniture. He's never hit me. I used to feel grateful for this Shock
I've been reading another thread on aibu about sexual coercion. This mirrors my life. All the posters are telling the op she has to get out, this has given me reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.
It's been 20 long years, I feel in a way I'm being released from prison tomorrow, that's what it's felt like all these years, being in prison. Being told where I can go, constantly texting me if I'm out, getting annoyed if I don't answer a text straight away. The list goes on.
He'll find out where I am because he's a local postman.
I promised my younger daughter that we would stay in the same town so she wouldn't have to change schools.
My dd1 who is 18 is so pleased we're moving out. She doesn't like her dad.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 23/08/2016 13:23

Your 100% doing the right thing so please try not to feel guilty. After all if he wasn't such an arse towards you then you wouldn't need to leave iyswim? Good luck with the move and starting your new lifeFlowers.

Purplebluebird · 23/08/2016 13:27

You're doing the right thing, and I wish you strength and the best of luck!

whitehandledkitchenknife · 23/08/2016 13:32

Well done flyblossom Flowers.Just think of waking up in your own bed without him. You'll be able to breathe again. All the best.

starsandstripes2016 · 23/08/2016 13:46

WineStarStarStarStar

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 23/08/2016 13:48

Good luck!! We are all behind you

Iamdobby63 · 23/08/2016 13:49

You should be really proud of yourself, you have done exactly the right thing and will be an inspiration to others on here.

Hope the move goes well and I wish you peace and happiness for your future.

Well done!

juneau · 23/08/2016 13:51

You're definitely doing the right thing. Good luck tomorrow. And get a new phone (or at least a new SIM and number).

Lillygolightly · 23/08/2016 13:52

I've done the same thing just a short while ago. I felt exactly the same...scared/sick/guilt etc. I still feel guilty but I know I did the right thing. If I had tried to do it any other way it would never have happened he would never have let me go.

I am ok and I'm better you will be too! Well done!

Kimchi · 23/08/2016 13:53

Good luck Smile This is very scary for you. A big step. I have no idea if this helps but I read a book recently about creativity and a big part of it was about dealing with fear. It talked about acknowledging the fear and thanking it for its opinion. It was welcome to come along for the ride because fear is only ever around when something matters. But fear doesn't get to dictate which was we go. I have no idea if that helps reset your mindset.

CrazyDuchess · 23/08/2016 14:03

Oh wow - good luck OP!!! Flowers

EttaJ · 23/08/2016 14:07

You are so brave ! Totally doing the right thing! Good luck!!! 💐

123therearenomoreusernames · 23/08/2016 14:14

Good luck Flyblossom Flowers

Make sure you have phone numbwrs for womens Aid etc

It will be tough at the start so write a list now of the reasons you are doing this so in your weaker moments you can read it.

Be very careful to cover your tracks to this thread.

When you get time and are settled try and get on the Freedom Programme. You can do it online but it's like a support group if you do it with other women.

Postman or not he will breach the Data protection act if he gets your address that way and if he does report him!

Sending you loads of luck!!

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2016 14:15

Wow - well done.
No wonder you are feeling like this.
You are taking the biggest step possible to get yourself and your DC safe and away from a nasty bully.
It's often said to take baby steps.
But... go you!! Seriously.
You are strong and you will be sooooo much happier away from this nasty prick of a man.