Cant breathe, he wants out after 8 years. Been together since 16

[frozen123]

Just cant stop sobbing. I feel like I cant breathe. I am so so lost.

Me and OH been going through a bit off a rough patch recently. We have been through rough patches before. He cheated on me a few years ago and left me out of the blue with no emotion. I had no idea till I looked through his phone. This time I don't know what going through his head. We have 2 children (aged 4 & 1), have a house together. On the outside everything looks perfect between us, we have a nice house, cars, children, he is fine when we go out with freinds etc.

He has been off for a few weeks when I said I feel like he shows me no affection any more and I wasnt sure what I wanted. Well the past week he has been the same and tonight has turned round and said he doesnt want to be in this miserable relationship any more. He is the miserable one - he wakes up and is in a mood and I cant stand it. I just want to be happy. He does make me happy when he's in his affectionate moods. He is saying he doesnt get time to see his friends on his own anymore and everything we do is "together" and i give him no breathing space. He doesnt go out often. So he's finished with me because I "Make him unhappy".

How could the man I am supposed to be marrying do this to me. Fucking evil bastards!!!

[frozen123]

I'm going over to my moms now as she's had a day off today. She despairs - I hate telling her all this.

[smilingeyes11]

So ask him to leave - why are you putting up with this? He is not going to change miraculously and start being nice. This is who he is.

[kaitlinktm]

Sorry if it was my post that upset you Frozen - but it is all true. I hope you have confided in your Mum now and that she will be able to help you - practically and emotionally. You are younger than my children and I hate the thought of you looking forward to a miserable future with him when your life could be much rosier if only you could see it.

[frozen123]

I'm still at my moms now. My mom and sis have been so good. They said they will help me. I just can't stop crying.

[HeddaGarbled]

I'm really glad that you have family that you can rely on and that you can cry all over. Bless you, this is so hard, I know

[SandyY2K]

Frozen,

I'll share something that you should bear in mind.

"He who loves or cares the least in a relationship, has the most power"

So conversely, the more you care, the less power you have.

He is able to go about his daily business, because he's not as invested in the relationship as you are.

It's very difficult, but for your own sanity try and detach yourself from him emotionally and prepare for a life without him.

This applies to either gender as well BTW.

[frozen123]

Kaitlinktm - yeah you're post is how imagined my life in a few years. Like I just had a feeling he would get fed up eventually and leave again.

I'm home now. Just got back from my moms and put my boys to bed. My 4 year old asked if he could stay at my moms tonight (they are really close). I said yes, but when I eventually left he said he wanted to come with me which is very unusual for him. He has never wanted to leave my moms house. I find it sad because part of me thinks he knows something is wrong. Yesterday I was so upset and my son goes "mommy are you ok?" And I go yes. And he goes "you and daddy need to stop arguing". Breakes my heart. My boys deserve a normal happy life too. I try keep my shit together around the kids but it's hard.

I am so glad i found MN. I don't feel as alone - I've lurked the stories on here for so long.

Also Kaitlinktm - your post did get to me earlier because deep down I knew he would alway leave i think, I've always been the one who has been more into him - that's who I am as a person. I'm affectionate.

I'm just sitting down now watching celebrity big brother (it's so rubbish lol). I don't have many friends they're all in relationships. We always go out in couples. I need to make new friends but how?

The shit head will no doubt be home from work at 10.30 tonight. He won't talk to me tho no doubt as he hasn't said a word all day - cunt.

[frozen123]

Ha just realised I written the same thing twice. Long day. As you can see I've had hardly any sleep :)

[Choceeclair123]

Stay strong OP it will piss him right off. I brought DC up on my own, believe me you'll be so much happier when you've cleared this mess up and booted that loser out. He's playing with you, on a power trip and enjoying watching you suffer. Pick yourself up lovely and fuck him.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Sounds like he is too young and immature to handle this full-on relationship plus children. Huge sympathies op .

[HeddaGarbled]

You will make new friends at uni. I know you think the timing is unfortunate financially but this new opportunity couldn't have come at a better time - a new life opening up for you.

[kaitlinktm]

All my friends are in couples too Frozen but they are still friends and I still see them and they include me - I don't see why they're being in a couple stops them from being a friend. Why not suggest a meetup with one - coffee or something. And you have your Mum and sister to support you.

Just try and think of yourself a year hence, then 18 months, 2 years, 3 years - you could have a completely different life and, yes, be very happy and you will look back to today and wish you could tell this young woman of 24 (you) that it's going to be OK, she's going to be happy and so are her sons and with any luck there will be a new DH in the future for her (you) too. In a year (which believe me is no time at all) things will look very different believe me - if you have the courage of your convictions and act now.

[springydaffs]

Sorry about this but have you lost someone significant in your life before? It could be your current loss is mixed up with the old loss...

But even if not, breakups are painful

if I leave it's not a case of just leaving, it's a case of coming round to see the kids and you crying every time you see me telling me we should get back together

Don't be that woman, 1. And 2, who made him God?? But perhaps he's going on what's gone before eg you say you've tried 'so hard' to make it work. Including forgiving his infidelity. Unfortunately, it often goes that if you forgive something that heinous they think you'd take anything and are gagging for them. Don't be that woman.

Streams up straight and tall (literally - it makes a difference). You are a woman, a mother, your career is before you ; you have a loving and supportive mother and sister (many don't). You have a LOT going for you. You don't need to debate yourself for any man - especially not a cruel man.

[springydaffs]

*stand up straight and tall

[springydaffs]

*debase

[frozen123]

I don't have much contact with my dad as my mom and dad broke up when I was 12 because he is an alcoholic. He still drinks and chooses to have nothing to do with me and my sons. It sometimes bothers me and I do wonder if this is why psychologically I struggle to cope. No idea.

[frozen123]

He is downstairs now ugh. Hasn't come up - he will probably stay down there.

[springydaffs]

Your dad is an alcoholic. He still drinks and chooses to have nothing to do with me and my sons

Erm. This is the root of the problem I'd wager.

Have you done any research on children of alcoholics? BIG chance of getting fucked up by having an alcoholic parent. Of clinging on Come What May eg...

[conkerpods]

I agree with other posters. Take control and tell him to leave,no matter how hard it is.
I wish I'd had Mumsnet when I split up with my ex husband,so much good advice.

[Mozismyhero]

Frozen, I went back to uni at a similar age to you, 23. My situation was different but I met 3 of the best friends anyone could ever wish for while I was there. Going back to uni will be amazing for you I am sure.

[frozen123]

I'm really struggling to cope tonight. Just feel so fed up and despair.

[lovelycuppateas]

Hope you are feeling better this morning. What you are going through is really really hard, but you CAN do it, you really can. You've got good support from your family, and you should definitely start reaching out to your friends too - couples or not, they will be sympathetic and help you. Having to be strong for your kids also feels hard, but actually gives you huge emotional resources. Try to do something nice with them over the weekend. The advice on this thread is really sound, sorting out the practicalities and finding out info from CAB etc is a way of you taking back control of things. None of this is your fault, and you and the kids will be better off in the end.

[frozen123]

Well he did come up last night - about 3am. I was exhausted. He started cuddling me in his sleep then I think he realised and put his back to me. About a hour later he started to try touch my bum (sorry if tmi) so I was like what are you doing why are u giving mixed messages for. He was like "I was asleep I must have started touching you in my sleep, I still feel the same about us" (as in doesn't want to know anymore). So I got up this morning and got me and the kids ready. We always have sat and sun off. He was like "where u going?" N I was like dno taking the kids out. He never said anything else. When he got home last night he told me he is going back his moms today. We will see. Just can't seem to cope at night.

[Kidsrulethishouse]

Frozen - I know it's not for me to tell you but please if he does try to touch you again (in his sleep or not) make sure you tell him no! Don't give him your body, even if you are tempted! He doesn't deserve you!