Cant breathe, he wants out after 8 years. Been together since 16

[frozen123]

Just cant stop sobbing. I feel like I cant breathe. I am so so lost.

Me and OH been going through a bit off a rough patch recently. We have been through rough patches before. He cheated on me a few years ago and left me out of the blue with no emotion. I had no idea till I looked through his phone. This time I don't know what going through his head. We have 2 children (aged 4 & 1), have a house together. On the outside everything looks perfect between us, we have a nice house, cars, children, he is fine when we go out with freinds etc.

He has been off for a few weeks when I said I feel like he shows me no affection any more and I wasnt sure what I wanted. Well the past week he has been the same and tonight has turned round and said he doesnt want to be in this miserable relationship any more. He is the miserable one - he wakes up and is in a mood and I cant stand it. I just want to be happy. He does make me happy when he's in his affectionate moods. He is saying he doesnt get time to see his friends on his own anymore and everything we do is "together" and i give him no breathing space. He doesnt go out often. So he's finished with me because I "Make him unhappy".

How could the man I am supposed to be marrying do this to me. Fucking evil bastards!!!

[tipsytrifle]

Do you have a spare room you might consider moving into? There is no "normal" except at conceptual levels. If this relationship is on the rocks you need time and space to discover this for yourself. His "sleep" attentions may well be habit, need for sex (but not necessarily with you) or any number of things. When both of you are caught up in ideas of "normal" and the emotional landscape is so bleak, habitual intimacy is an illusion. When I stood on the driveway saying farewell to "him" I almost found myself saying "i love you". I was horrified because I didn't, I hated him for what he had done to me. But it was habit. There is reassurance in habit. But it's not Real.

You need to find out what's Real for you. Leave his bed ( because I suspect he won't)

[SandyY2K]

Put a spare pillow next to you so he doesn't touch you.

[hownottofuckup]

It does sound like he's done. I know (believe me I know) how hard it is but honestly the sooner you can get rid of him the better off you will be. Who wants to spend their life feeling they're just not good enough? Even if he decided to stay it would be shit for you anyway. He's doing you a favour, let him.

[kaitlinktm]

If you can get him to move out (to his Mum's - or wherever) it would make life a lot more bearable for you - you feel as if you can breathe again and you'd be more focused. Could a family member stay with you?

The problem is, and I know you will say this, that because it is his house, he will feel that he can just come back as and when he feels like it, citing seeing the children as his excuse.

Other posters will have better ideas than I do on how to prevent this, but if you can talk to him without getting emotional and crying (this is hard I know but very important) you could say something like:

"I accept that you want to leave and get divorced so I think we should start as we mean to go on. We aren't properly separated if you can just keep coming into my space without notice - after all, I can't do that to you at your Mum's house (or wherever he is). I think you should come to see the children after work on ... days and go home when they go to bed?"

This, and your (hopefully) matter-of-fact tone might convince him that you mean business. At the moment it sounds as if he is cruelly playing with your feelings - this touching you and then saying "oh sorry I must have been asleep - I still want to leave" - he is just messing with your feelings. Does this not make you see what a horrible sort of person he is being? (I say that to try and make you feel that it is not such a bad thing he is leaving).

[kaitlinktm]

Also - don't mean to hijack the thread but wanted to just warn you. If you do manage to speak calmly, you may find it panics him and he realises you are gaining the upper hand. He might then try to back track and say he wants to try again. I really would advise against this - as I said previously, I think he is done with the relationship and he would only be postponing the separation until it suited him better (probably with someone else lined up). Please, please try to stick to your guns and get him out.

As I said previously, this happened to me - and in the end I got so sick of his shennanigans that I could speak rationally about it - and it shocked him and stupidly I allowed him to stay only for him to go 8 years later when it suited HIM better.

It would have been far better for me if he had gone 8 years previously. My parents didn't know about his affair, but when he finally did leave and I told them, they agreed - I should have kicked him out and not given him another chance. I let him stay and I kept his dirty secret because I felt it reflected badly on me. This was (needless to say) YEARS before Mumsnet. If MN had been around then, my life could have been so different.

You are a lovely young woman - don't waste any more of your life on this cruel man (and he is being cruel to you).