Cant breathe, he wants out after 8 years. Been together since 16

[frozen123]

Just cant stop sobbing. I feel like I cant breathe. I am so so lost.

Me and OH been going through a bit off a rough patch recently. We have been through rough patches before. He cheated on me a few years ago and left me out of the blue with no emotion. I had no idea till I looked through his phone. This time I don't know what going through his head. We have 2 children (aged 4 & 1), have a house together. On the outside everything looks perfect between us, we have a nice house, cars, children, he is fine when we go out with freinds etc.

He has been off for a few weeks when I said I feel like he shows me no affection any more and I wasnt sure what I wanted. Well the past week he has been the same and tonight has turned round and said he doesnt want to be in this miserable relationship any more. He is the miserable one - he wakes up and is in a mood and I cant stand it. I just want to be happy. He does make me happy when he's in his affectionate moods. He is saying he doesnt get time to see his friends on his own anymore and everything we do is "together" and i give him no breathing space. He doesnt go out often. So he's finished with me because I "Make him unhappy".

How could the man I am supposed to be marrying do this to me. Fucking evil bastards!!!

I wouldn't walk out no - I would pack his bags and leave his crap on the doorstep tonight. Don't play games hoping it will shock him into staying. Make him go.

I know it feels like you've been stabbed in the heart but (stick with me on this!) he's actually done you a massive favour! This man is an enormous turd. He's a great big septic knob. An ungrateful piece of shit. You're about to be free of him. Yippee! His behaviour is insulting and petulant (I agree with pp that there's possibly an OW or one being lined up). You have decades ahead of you, all of them free from him! All previous advice about seeing a solicitor and looking after yourself is excellent, especially the advice about not weeping in front of him. He's decided that it's your fault he's checked out of the relationship so he won't take pity on your misery. Would you want him to agree to prolong this agony by patching things up just because he feels guilty? A guilty man is like a cornered grizzly bear. Leave him alone and concentrate on you and you're wellbeing.

It seems like the end of the world, an impossible thing to do now when you're in it- but when you're on the other side you'll see that separating was the best thing to do.
If he does leave he cant keep returning, you'll need to be clear with him about that.

Don't leave - his choice to end it, he should be the one to leave.

I know this hurts, but not wanting to be alone is not a reason to be in a relationship with someone you aren't happy with.

I don't think it's fair to blame him when you too have thought about leaving - it sounds like this is what needs to happen, and that you are angry about the fact that he got in there first.

You've been together since you were so young that it doesn't sound like your relationship has grown up in the same way you both have - of you don't communicate and have outgrown each other, hard though this is, it's best for you too.

I can't see any point in waiting until he gets home and then doing a dramatic strop off for one night. Then what? You'll just have to come back again. How silly will you feel then?

No dramatic gestures designed to get his attention. Calm planning. Solicitor. Talk to your mum.

I haven't gone to work. He's still in bed he doesn't go work till 1. Does it look like I'm letting him win? So so down :'(

I'll have to talk to a solicitor to find out my rights. The mortgage is £700 a month alone. What a mess.

I looked online how much could support he would have to pay - £41 a week. What a joke.

why would he have to pay so little, that seems pretty low? Have you looked at the entitledto website to see what you are able to claim, WTC etc?

Pre-tax he earns about £480 a week. I just put in his wages on a government website :( I'm entitled to working tax and child tax. Will all change when I go Uni though. Ill just about be able to cope on my own money wise I think. Shame the mortgage is so high.

I've also been in this situation - but like many other posters, in my 40s rather than in my 20s, and I really do think you are lucky, and I promise thate you will realise this as time goes on. Your (very hard) job right now is to accept the situation that you're in.

It will help if you try to take control of things as much as possible, and get a lawyer as soon as you can - finances may well be better than you think, and even if not, having a firm basis to work from is useful. Ask him to stay elsewhere so you have some time alone to get your head together, it's the least he can do. He can work out a permanent arrangement in due course, but sleeping at his mum's or on a friend's sofa will do for now.

And please tell your friends and family about this, they will help you through this, and having people on your side makes all the difference. Keep posting here for support, and best of luck.

It's not about who wins or loses. You're an adult.

It looks as though your marriage might be over, so continue to spend today getting informed about divorce, finances etc. Knowledge is power.

Don't walk out tonight as soon as he walks in, that's just playing games. Talk to him calmly, tell him you understand the decision he's made, you've spoken to his mum and she's expecting him. Hand him his bag. Tell him you'll have the children ready at 10am tomorrow for their day with him.

I hate him for this. This is going to be so hard.

You may find that his 'attitude', stems from the fact that you're off to uni soon. I had this with my ex and like you, couldn't understand why he'd suddenly turned away from me and the kids, why he was so angry and withdrawn and saying really hurtful things designed (I worked out later) to have me weeping and begging him to stay.
It all came out eventually. He was furious with me for daring to better myself. For putting my future before him - so he thought and for having the prospects, the opportunities, the future eventually that he would never have.
It was all designed to keep me firmly in my place.
Did it work?
No, if anything, it made me even more determined to succeed and that eventually included getting out of the marriage in one piece.
By the end of my first year at uni I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him and chucked him out.
The rest as they say, is history. And a bloody good one it is too second time around with my kind, caring, wonderful DH.

It's so good to hear people do move on. Just feels like that's never going to be me atm. I couldn't face work today. I took the kids nursery. He usually does it. When he woke up he goes "have you taken the kids nursery?" And I was just like yes. And he goes oh I never heard why haven't you gone work ? I didn't answer him. I then got back into bed and he put the TV on. He then started to touch him self so I turned round like wtf you doing ?! And he was like I can do what I want. I said to him "you are fucking weird" and turned back around. Eventually I got in the shower and when I got out he was taking the washing out the machine and got in his car and drove off without a word. He will have taken the washing to his moms house to be dried as usual (as it's a rainy day). He will be back at 1 to get ready for work. Hate the silence between us it makes me sick - but he is an absolute weirdo I dno what goes through his head.

How could the man I am supposed to be marrying do this to me. Fucking evil bastards!!!

I expect that may be the answer. Neither of you sound happy. He's already cheated, he sounds emotionally checked out, he doesn't even bother to pretend to be happy - he just spreads his misery amongst you and his children. You don't sound happy either, but you don't want to be alone. You don't really want to marry this guy.

The decision is made, so it's time to move on. Don't let this "in-between" stage carry on, it'll be torture. If he wants to leave, he can pack up some things and go today. He doesn't need to come home after work. You can't be split up but share a bed.

Make arrangements for him to take the children out a few nights a week or something for a while, so they still see him but he's not in the family home -you'll find it much harder to heal seeing him there. See a solicitor and get the ball in motion. He's had plenty of time to think about this and make plans before he told you.

Do try to steel yourself for there being another woman, too. I know you think it's impossible - most women do - but he's done it before, and statistically most men won't leave without having another option in sight. If you found out through his phone last time, he's likely to be being much slyer this time. His phone bill means little when most people use apps like Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, etc these days.

You'll be happier once he's gone. Remember that. You'll adapt. You're only 24 and you deserve to be happy, and to be with someone who is happy to be with you. Who makes life good. That isn't this man. As soon as you're over the shock, and you see that you can do this without him, you'll be glad he walked.

You will get through this, you are back again where you were before, he isn't committed to you, you know that deep down, you also know you need a partner you can depend on and will love you and cherish you, you know he won't, he's always had his feet half way out the door since last time, the relationship is pretty crap if you are honest.

Time to get practical, go to CAB, get advised, I am sure he will have to pay more than that in maintenance but you will also be entitled to single parent benefits, there are loads of them out there!

You are 24 years old, very young, a whole life in front to find a man that wants you as much as you want them.

Yup my life is miserable. I tried so hard to make it work. We have our sons christening in 4 weeks too

Well he came back to get a shower. Looked at me and never said a word. So while he was in the shower I've gone out. Just wna break down crying now again. Am I balls showing him me cry over him again. Just got to try be brave.

Frozen, where are your friends, family, get leaning on them, they will want to help you.

Your life may be miserable right now but that is temporary, you will not feel like this forever, you are hurting but your heart will mend in time.

Just tell him to go - it really is a plaster which needs ripping off. He really is an utter dick of the highest order. You deserve so much better than this. He treats you with utter contempt and no respect at all. Get. Him. Gone.

While it's pretty tough right now, people can change a lot from when they were teenagers. I'm not sure if you said his age, but you were just 16 when you got together.

Perhaps the responsibility of having a family is too much for him and he's not mature enough to handle it. Men usually don't mature till later in life, unlike most women.

You need to see him as the father of your children and work on coparenting, for the sake of your children.

You are still very young, so ensure he has his fair share of visitation so that you aren't saddled with the DCs all the time and can get out and socialise.

CAB should be able to advise you - you will probably have to phone them make an appointment.

However he needs to be told (if he won't discuss) how it will be when he leaves. He has to be clear that he will not visit the children in your home but will have to make his own arrangements. He can't just pop in and out as he pleases (if you keep the same house I would change the locks).

I just feel that he thinks his life will be much the same as it is now only he will be able to go back to his Mum's when he feels fed up.

YY to PP who say to be strong now. I gave mine a second chance after an affair at age 40 when my kids were 10 and 8 and I SO wish I hadn't. He just made me miserable for another 8 years - as if he were doing me a favour by staying instead of the other way round - and then he broke my heart all over again when I was nearing 50. He left 13 years ago and I haven't had a partner since.

Please don't make my mistake Frozen, you have a wonderful opportunity for a second chance with someone who doesn't punish you when he is in a bad mood. Also you won't have to spend your days tiptoeing round his moods. Don't let your DCs see this as an acceptable way to treat a partner.

Sitting here crying in my car after reading that last post. I popped out to get my nails done to try and occupy myself and now I feel worse again. How can he just go to work and not care. No doubt he will be back at 10 tonight and not say a word to me. It's predictable - then tomorrow he will go his moms all day to watch the football (she has sky sports)