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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Cant breathe, he wants out after 8 years. Been together since 16

105 replies

frozen123 · 18/08/2016 21:50

Just cant stop sobbing. I feel like I cant breathe. I am so so lost.

Me and OH been going through a bit off a rough patch recently. We have been through rough patches before. He cheated on me a few years ago and left me out of the blue with no emotion. I had no idea till I looked through his phone. This time I don't know what going through his head. We have 2 children (aged 4 & 1), have a house together. On the outside everything looks perfect between us, we have a nice house, cars, children, he is fine when we go out with freinds etc.

He has been off for a few weeks when I said I feel like he shows me no affection any more and I wasnt sure what I wanted. Well the past week he has been the same and tonight has turned round and said he doesnt want to be in this miserable relationship any more. He is the miserable one - he wakes up and is in a mood and I cant stand it. I just want to be happy. He does make me happy when he's in his affectionate moods. He is saying he doesnt get time to see his friends on his own anymore and everything we do is "together" and i give him no breathing space. He doesnt go out often. So he's finished with me because I "Make him unhappy".

How could the man I am supposed to be marrying do this to me. Fucking evil bastards!!!

OP posts:

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frozen123 · 18/08/2016 23:49

Sorry auto correct ** I mean why isn't it ever the woman who just gets to leave ?

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 18/08/2016 23:50

Surely you don't want him - this man who doesn't want you? Surely what is painful is accepting the truth that your relationship is not what you believed it was.

Leave him, learn to value yourself and you may find the relationship you actually want. You will never have it with this man.

I feel so sad for you, it's such an awful time xxx

frozen123 · 18/08/2016 23:52

I'm so confused. I was unhappy because he was constantly on and off with me. Now he wants out. Tbh I don't think there's anyone else because he just doesn't have time. I can't go through all this again.

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 18/08/2016 23:53

Women do leave but often we are much more invested in the stability of the family unit than men. It means we like stability, even if it's not great.

If you leave now, once you're past the shock, you will start to own the decision and to feel stronger. It's just so hard at the beginning. Take it easy - keep breathing xxx

frozen123 · 18/08/2016 23:55

I don't like being on my own. I don't even have many friends as they're all in relationships.

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 18/08/2016 23:56

If he cared about you, he would not put you through this. Protect yourself, lean into the people who love you. I know it feels unimaginable but you will recover and it will be faster than you think xxx

Lilacpink40 · 19/08/2016 00:02

You need to be around family and build up your existing frienships. This will be a rough time, but you'll look back in the future with relief that this ended.

Keep some long term thoughts in mind
A) You deserve to feel content
B) You deserve not to have verbal abuse
C) You deserve honesty
D) You will be stronger by yourself

frozen123 · 19/08/2016 00:03

I'm ashamed to tell people what's happened. I'm always scared what people will think. I fell for him when I was 13. I just don't want to hurt anymore. How can I have achieved so much in my life and feel like I'm nothing without him. Just want a normal life. It's him who has been making it miserable.

OP posts:

ProseccoBitch · 19/08/2016 00:05

You can't stay with someone because you don't want to be alone.

Kidsrulethishouse · 19/08/2016 00:10

Has he said what he intends on doing? Will he be leaving? Does he plan on sticking around and considering himself single while still having you run around after him?

Runningissimple · 19/08/2016 00:10

I suspect most people will feel sympathy with you. You might be the person who judges yourself the most harshly. Try not to do that. You have nothing to be ashamed of - he on the other hand...

frozen123 · 19/08/2016 00:13

I said to him earlier what do you plan on doing if you don't wna be here - he said he's thinking of going back to his moms. Nice. I know he won't go back there because he doesn't wna bother her or upset her. He will just keep coming back here.

OP posts:

FellOutOfBed2wice · 19/08/2016 00:20

At 24 you've got so much in front of you. He's cheated once already and I think you're being lied to. Make him leave. You're worth much more.

HeddaGarbled · 19/08/2016 00:37

Hmmm. You say you wanted to split up recently. And then you say you can't imagine life without him. Those two statements don't really match, do they?

You got together as teenagers and you are still behaving like teenagers, zooming from wanting to break up to being so much in love you can't imagine life without him, can't go through this again, don't want to hurt anymore, I'm nothing without him. It's all very teen romance dramatics.

But you have two young children. Time to grow up. Move on from the soap opera dramatics. Calm down and think, really think. Does this relationship have the potential to be a stable, solid, loving relationship for you and your children. Fuck no.

Kidsrulethishouse · 19/08/2016 00:40

Make a plan. Get him out and stick with it.
I guarantee that you will manage x

tipsytrifle · 19/08/2016 01:27

Just because you can't imagine life without him is a serious clue to your true self. Shes buried in this relationship that started when you were so very young, needy, open to all the ideals of Love Ever After. Now you have the Hard Knock of Reality at your door.

Please get legal advice asap. You might be willing to keep him when he's already cheated, might be doing so again, but in any case it sounds like you want to be free of the pain he's causing. Would he leave for a while? Having thrown all these grenades into your perception of life with him, has he offered anything at all apart from nasty words? Could you insist he goes to his mum's?

Relationships that begin in teens are so intense, so full of attachment. I've been there. It's like going through your own death to extricate and learning how to live as a single is something you never got to experience before. I think this might be your baptism of fire. Unlike me at the time, you have MN to support you though! Sometimes relationships outgrow themselves. People grow - not always as we would wish - things happen; what worked as a teen often just doesn't in the twenties. Hard, I know, and with dc too.

tipsytrifle · 19/08/2016 01:33

Think I'm saying you may need to grow a pair and fast. Tell him to leave until he has his head sorted out. Stand up for your agonised self. This may well be new to you. Hanging around in limbo is going to crucify you. Just thoughts; it's entirely up to you what you do in this situation. Possibly the first thing or time that any/everything has been up to YOU. make you and dc centre of the universe and see what comes to mind as a way through? Not solutions as such, just suggesting how you might create a space you can breathe in. THEN you can start to think this out.

smilingeyes11 · 19/08/2016 05:11

send him to his Mums and do not have him back in the house. Get rid. He is having an affair or planning one. Why you took him back last time is beyond me. Find your self esteem and tell him to bugger off.

frozen123 · 19/08/2016 06:03

Ive had no sleep - he doesn't give a crap. I said what we got to do to sort this out and he just says dno. Fkin idiot

OP posts:

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 19/08/2016 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoLit · 19/08/2016 06:48

Don't 'let him go' make the choice yourself and 'get him out'

It's a great time! Go back to Uni & make new friends there.

Don't let your boys see him treating you like this. Bring them up with a healthy respect for any woman in their lives, to be better men than him :)

You are better than him. You can do this AND I think he knows it

TheNaze73 · 19/08/2016 06:50

I think from the sounds of it, long term everything will be so much rosier for you OP, though that must be hard to see right now. I don't necessarily think there's another women but, his words are very definite. Take heed of some of the brilliant advice already offered & doing your grieving for the relationship, away from him

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frozen123 · 19/08/2016 07:04

I'm not going into work today. But when he comes back tonight after work I'm walking straight out that door. Going to stop away for the night. Dno if this is the right thing.

OP posts:

Easystreet52 · 19/08/2016 07:08

Unfortunately when you get together so young, this can happen. Life is not like the vision you have when you are young and believe in the "happy ever after" the fact he has had an affair already is not a good sign whether he is now or not.

You need to stop putting him on a pedestal, he is not great really is he.

It's always upsetting when this happens especially to women who invest so much more in relationships and family life but I would get tough with him now. Don't let him sit around making you upset. Pack a bag for him and tell him to go to his mums now.

GoldFishFingerz · 19/08/2016 07:20

You can always make new friends. There are other single mums about. The thing is, you've been in a relationship since you were 13 and it sounds like you've invested all your energy into your partner and non into friendships, which is unbalanced anyway. You can rectify this with time I'm sure. I've been married 25 years but have a solid friends from different stages of my life. DH and I are very family/partner orientated but don't live in each other's pockets.

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