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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 'd'p is beyond horrible

81 replies

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 02:14

I had a premature baby 7 weeks ago who is still in hospital (so I'm still a bit emotional). 'D' p is just being beyond horrible to me, every time I say anything which he sees as being critical (ie. last night I asked him to move over in bed - this unleashed a torrent if abuse). He's been saying things like
I'm a vile, horrible person
I'm a twisted f*ck
Everybody hates me (I know that's not true, I have loads of friends)
He's going to tell our baby I ruined our relationship
I'm sick in the head because I told him I hated our baby's name (I only went with it because he sulked so badly and refused to discuss other names)
Etc etc. I can't cope with this. He drinks every night. We are living with my mother at the moment (moving next week) and I'm having to lie beside him. I hate him and I'm devastated for our poor baby. I'm honestly not a nasty person. Don't know what I'm posting for but just need to tell someone as I can't tell anyone in real life.

OP posts:

pog100 · 17/08/2016 02:20

of course you can tell someone in real life, in fact you really must tell someone. If he can act like this at a time like this, he is not someone want in your, or your child's life. Why not use the opportunity to tell your mother, will she be supportive?
It is 100% clear that he is an abusive man.

squoosh · 17/08/2016 02:24

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My immediate advice would be for you to stay in your mother's house and let him move by himself next week. Do not move in with this man. I'm sure this is a hugely stressful time for both of you but that's no excuse for the way he's treating you. Was he like this before your baby was born?

SlinkyVagabond · 17/08/2016 02:26

Ring WA tomorrow, or find out if there is a welfare worker attached to hospital. (I don't know). Pack his shit up and get him out of your mother's, do not move with him. Is it a joint tenancy you are moving to? Can it be in your name.
I'm sure some will say he is upset too at your baby being in hospital, but he's just being a prick.

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 02:27

He says he's laid back and I,ve made him like this and he is just retaliating, trust me - I've not been horrible. The night before our baby was born 10 weeks early, when i was lying ill in hospital, he went and got drunk with strangers in a bar rather than be with me. He says me wanting him to be there was just me "making it all about me".

OP posts:

squoosh · 17/08/2016 02:28

Cut him loose OP. He doesn't sound like someone who will bring anything positive to either you or your child's life.

Anonymouses · 17/08/2016 02:30

You don't deserve this. Get him out of your mothers house and stay where you are. Please confide in her about this. Tell her what he is doing to you, she likely has no idea. Y deserve so much more. Get out now whilst you have a clear way.

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 02:31

This morning he had to phone someone. For once I deliberately didn't wake him or have the number for him - I knew he would expect me to have it even tho he was as capable of getting it as I was. True enough, I got a mouthful of abuse "I didn't have the number on purpose because I'm twisted" and "it's all a game to me". Trust me, I have a tiny sick baby I love more than life itself, I don't have time for games.

OP posts:

OrsonWellsHat · 17/08/2016 02:32

Jesus Christ, what a vile piece of shit he is. You need to tell your mum, hopefully she'll kick his sorry arse out. Have you got any male relatives? If so get them to help. Stay with your mum for the time being for support

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 02:35

We waited so long for this baby and my first weeks of motherhood have just been ruined by his attitude. I just wanted a happy family for my lovely wee baby.

OP posts:

Alachia · 17/08/2016 02:44

Can you stay with your mum and he goes? Tomorrow if possible? He sounds nasty. How is he with the baby? Tell your mum. Ask for her help.

GarlicMistake · 17/08/2016 02:56

This is awful :( I'm very sorry you're going through this, you must be on the end of your nerves.

When you're in hospital having a crisis, it IS all about you. Duh! No bloke, friend, or even passer-by, who can't be arsed with your crisis is definitely not anyone you want anything to do with.

Call for help. Women's Aid (even just to talk and get your thoughts straight), your mum, brothers & sisters, friends, the hospital - ask them all!

Good luck Here's wishing your baby all strength, and you too.

GarlicMistake · 17/08/2016 02:57

sorry for the double negative up there. Feelings getting the better of my grammar!

OrsonWellsHat · 17/08/2016 03:05

Congratulations on your baby . Hopefully he'll be home with you soon. My perm dd was in neonatal care for 7 weeks. I'm so sorry this nasty, selfish wanker has made this very traumatic time even worse for you. Really, I'd love to come round and kick him into next week, fuckwit

Ilovecharliecat · 17/08/2016 03:08

Tell him to go and leave you and your baby. Are you married? Because if you're not (I think - although you will need to check this) you can register your baby without him there, with the name you decide . Huge hugs to you and your little one xxx

LadyB49 · 17/08/2016 03:15

Absolutely get rid. What's it not going to be like when baby comes home !!

He has ruined this special time which you will never get back.....And he will not get any better.
Mum's house..throw him out. If necessary have him removed by the police.
When baby comes home it will be lovely with just you, baby and mum.
You don't need I'm messing with your head.
Make this the last night he is with you.
There will be a scene but better now before darling baby comes home.

Italiangreyhound · 17/08/2016 03:22

He sounds vile.

Please make sure you are safe.

If you are not married and he does not have parental rights please make sure you find out all your rights in relation to the baby.

Speak to women's aid.

Let him leave and you stay at your mum's until you get on your feet.

Can you change the baby's name if you wish to?

How was he during the pregnancy? This is often a time when men can start to be abusive. Make sure you get all the advice from Womens Aid and take it.

If he is being violent protect yourself. Even if he is not violent this is abuse and you should not take it and your baby should never witness it.

All the best.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 17/08/2016 03:29

He says me wanting him to be there was just me "making it all about me".

What unbelievable, grade A* dickish behaviour. I actually cannot find the words to describe just how horrible and warped this is. It's not even a red flag; it's him fucking sending semaphore messages with red flags saying I AM A TOTAL FUCKWIT.

I just wanted a happy family for my lovely wee baby.

And you will, providing he is not in it. You need to protect your little one from his wankerishness. And you will be a much happier mum without him trampling over you at every turn.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 17/08/2016 03:38

Sorry, that came across a bit cold and demanding, I'm just angry at your 'D'P.

I'm sorry you're going through this at what is already a very difficult time. Glad your mum is there. Will let more coherant and knowledgable posters advise and disappear now...

Amelie10 · 17/08/2016 03:54

Oh op this sounds so sad the last thing you need is this vile pig around while caring for your new baby. Please stay with your mum and let him move to the new place. He is abusing you, and sounds like he has a major drinking problem too. Moving in with him is just going to make your life hell. You and your DD deserve much better than him.

thedogstinks · 17/08/2016 04:20

Good advice, so I won't repeat it yet again.

I would like to add that you should change the baby's name to one you like, and make sure it has your surname.

It's good for children to have their fathers in their life, but only if they're decent fathers.

Put that child first. I hope she is ok.

runawaysimba · 17/08/2016 04:22

OP, I don't know if the UK system is the same as NZ, where I am, but when DD was in NICU, all NICU Mums had an appointment with a member of the family support team.
One of the things they asked every women was how their relationship with the baby's father was. Please tell them the truth - they will get you the help you need.

Atenco · 17/08/2016 04:37

I do hope you can and do decide to stay on with your mother. My dd and her ex were staying with me after their baby was born and he became violent so three years later my dd and dgd are still living with me. Life and babies are much more fun when we don't have to deal with jerks.

Best wishes for your baby.

erinaceus · 17/08/2016 05:07

Hi Ipushedmygrannyaffabus

Congratulations on your new baby.

I agree with other posters. You and your new baby need to not be living with this person. Are you able to agree with your mum that he is not able to live with you and her, and have him leave ASAP?

Also, the people involved with the care of you and your baby (nurse or health visitor) will be able to help you if they know what is going on. For example, are you able to show them what you have written on this thread? They should know what support is available to you, your baby, and your mum as well if necessary. I suggest showing them the thread because sometimes I find that that can be easier than saying the words out loud; you might feel differently though.

Morasssassafras · 17/08/2016 06:03

It's not uncommon. A lot of abusive partners reveal their real self once you are pregnant or have had the baby. Something about it makes them feel you're now tied to them. You're not!

Why do you feel you can't tell anyone in real life how he's being? You can. You've told us and we believe you.

You can call women's aid (08082000247) and they will advise you and/or direct you to a local service who can help you (and no, you won't be wasting their time and yes, it is that bad).

You can tell your mum. It would be a rare mother who would not want to know their dc was suffering like this.

Whatever you've been through before this with him, this is not okay. He's showing you who he is. It won't get better. He won't miraculously turn back into the man he was - he was a lie to trap and deceive you. You won't suddenly find the right way to say the right words for him to realise what he's doing. He knows. He wants to treat you like this. It will get worse, it always does, or you will have learned how to moderate your behaviour and be less than you are so as not to set him off.

Don't move in with him. Either you move into the new place or he does. You will manage. It will be fine.

Please tell someone today so your dc doesn't grow up thinking it is okay to treat someone this way or be treated this way. Seeing it will be harmful to your dc.

TheSilverChair · 17/08/2016 06:19

Stay with your parents and tell him to move. He doesn't love you or the baby. You are better off without him, this will only get worse.

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