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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 'd'p is beyond horrible

81 replies

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 02:14

I had a premature baby 7 weeks ago who is still in hospital (so I'm still a bit emotional). 'D' p is just being beyond horrible to me, every time I say anything which he sees as being critical (ie. last night I asked him to move over in bed - this unleashed a torrent if abuse). He's been saying things like
I'm a vile, horrible person
I'm a twisted f*ck
Everybody hates me (I know that's not true, I have loads of friends)
He's going to tell our baby I ruined our relationship
I'm sick in the head because I told him I hated our baby's name (I only went with it because he sulked so badly and refused to discuss other names)
Etc etc. I can't cope with this. He drinks every night. We are living with my mother at the moment (moving next week) and I'm having to lie beside him. I hate him and I'm devastated for our poor baby. I'm honestly not a nasty person. Don't know what I'm posting for but just need to tell someone as I can't tell anyone in real life.

OP posts:

1990kid · 17/08/2016 06:30

I feel for you op I really do please don't let your precious baby be brought up with him around. It's going to be so hard letting go but it will be absolutely worth it in the long run. Congratulations btw

trafalgargal · 17/08/2016 06:49

Why is your Mum giving house space to a man who is abusing her daughter ?

You don't have to move with him , and probably shouldn't. As for the baby's name, up to about three months you can change it.

He sounds vile and bad for you and baby to be around at the moment. If it is the stress making him an arse then space may be the best thing for all of you.....although space may also give you clarity that arse is his default setting .

DollyBarton · 17/08/2016 06:52

You need to get away OP. Start making plans at least so when you are feeling stronger you can get out and get on with your life with your lovely little baby.

pollyblack · 17/08/2016 06:57

You have more support now than ever with hospital staff, your mum and your friends. Please use this to get rid of him. Whatever you do dont move with him. Tell him to get out.

GodImbored · 17/08/2016 07:02

How can he behave like that with a tiny baby in hospital? You're right he is beyond horrible.

Becky546 · 17/08/2016 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trafalgargal · 17/08/2016 07:11

Simply do you want your baby coming home from hospital to a drunk who bullies people when they are at their most vulnerable ?

If you don't then don't move with him. If your Mum can't/won't help you then talk to Women's Aid or the hospital social worker.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2016 07:25

What is your relationship like with your mother? If it's at all decent, then FGS tell her and get her to kick him out of the house if you can't!! Stay with your mother, do NOT move out with this foul shitbag, he's not worth pissing on if he's on fire.

Abusiveness is likely to not only continue but increase in nastiness as time goes on, and you don't need it. Your baby doesn't need it.

Turf him out and tell your mum he's not to come back. IF she won't support you, then call Women's Aid. THEY will support you. But get rid of/away from Scumdick.

Grannypants1 · 17/08/2016 07:28

Make him leave op. I am hoping your mum is supportive and I am sorry this has happened to you. Don't let him get in the way of your first experience of motherhood. You have someone who is much more important now. You should be able to focus on that and not the better little mouthbreathing hobgoblin sharing your bed

AyeAmarok · 17/08/2016 07:43

Have you registered the birth yet? If not, make sure the baby has tour surname, and consider giving him an name that you love. You're the one who is going to be bringing him up, alone by the sounds of it.

Stay with your mum and tell him to move out. What's he's done is unforgivable and he doesn't love either you or the baby.

Don't sell yourself so short.

He's not the boss of you.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 17/08/2016 07:47

Do you think you will be able to tell your mum what's going on this morning? She might already have some idea that things are less than ideal already, but been waiting for a cue from you to discuss your relationship. Him not being at the hospital and out drinking instead might have caught her attention - fill her in so she gets the whole picture.

You can do this.

Emmaroos · 17/08/2016 07:51

Tell someone in RL.
"I am in an abusive relationship"
It's not violent yet (I hope) but it's certainly abusive.
You made a mistake having a child with an abusive man, but that can't be helped now. Accept it was a mistake and plan for the future for yourself and your beautiful child.
Even if your partner insists on being a part of your child's life (which is his right and the child's right too) it would be far, far healthier for your child to not see his parents locked together in a dynamic that is abusive.
Sometimes I think some people on MN (probably having had experiences themselves that make them very attuned to possible signs) are very quick to leap to the conclusion of abuse having only heard one side of the story or perhaps after having heard something that maybe isn't ideal and needs to be addressed but that I would not necessarily call abusive. This is not one of those times.
If a partner says he hates you or that you are a horrible person and yet continues the relationship this is abusive. If he tries to control your choices, opinions and behaviour with displays of anger he is abusive. If he expects you to be at his beck and call to do everything for him and gets angry if you don't, this is abusive.
If you stay then you are choosing to be with someone you know to be abusive and you would be choosing an abusive household for your child to grow up in. A boy growing up in this dynamic will be highly likely go on to treat his partners the same way. A girl will be highly likely to choose abusive partners herself.
Please end the relationship and tell him to move out from your Mums.
If your Mum is OK for you to stay with her until you get yourself sorted then please do. She's probably worried sick about you anyway.

Maidofrohan · 17/08/2016 08:35

My god, I was horrified reading about your dp's behaviour. I can only echo what others have said. If my daughter (ok she's 2, but in the future) told me she was in your position, her dp wouldn't feel the ground as i would kick him into orbit!
Don't let this "man" ruin anymore of these precious first weeks of parenthood for you.

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 10:05

Thank you all. I'm going to make changes today. I,ll keep you posted. I grew up in a violent home ( he's not been violent to me, I honestly do not thi he would be and I would NEVER ever tolerate this even once) and I will not have my baby grow up in a bad atmosphere. I do think, if I wouldn't let anyone speak to my baby like that, why would I let them speak to me like that. I just feel guilty for kicking him out with nowhere to go,

OP posts:

60sname · 17/08/2016 10:12

Don't feel guilty - he has brought this upon himself by being such an arsehole.

All the best to you

Alachia · 17/08/2016 10:15

Good luck. Be strong and do what's right for you and your lovely baby.

SuckingEggs · 17/08/2016 10:17

Feel guilty?! Why? He should be weeping with guilt for being an utter cunting prick.

Despicable manchild.

Start a new life, you and your baby deserve it.

Stormtreader · 17/08/2016 10:18

He should be thrilled because youre making it all about HIM. HE has to go because HE is so horrible to you.

BadTasteFlump · 17/08/2016 10:22

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! (Sorry for shouting!)

You are being a fantastic mum, you are doing the right thing for your baby, and for you. He deserves what's coming to him.

This way you can make sure your baby doesn't have to witness his shitty behaviour first hand. Get rid, and also make sure you have some kind of 'log' of what he has said and done, or continues to say and do. Either talk to your GP, Womens Aid, or at least keep a diary.

In the future when/if he wants contact with your baby, it will help if you have some evidence of his behaviour - then you can insist on supervised contact, etc...

Best of luck, your future is honestly so much brighter without him

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 17/08/2016 10:23

He says he is a nice person though, that I have 'a nasty streak' and he is only retaliating to me. But it's not true, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him as he's just constantly putting me down. Even if I was provoking him (which I'm not), surely a normal guy wouldn't be this horrible? I keep feeling I should give him one more chance, but then I think back to the night before baby was born. That WAS out if order, wasn't it?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2016 10:23

Lovely, he might not be physically violent (and tbh, I wouldn't bank on that either) but his verbal violence towards you is already appalling.

Just get rid of him - it's his problem if he has nowhere to go, not yours. You don't want your baby growing up with that level of vitriol and spite being aimed at you, the mother; it's disgusting the way he talks to you.

Was your mother the violent one or your father?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2016 10:25

It's ALL out of order, and blaming you for it is a classical abuser tactic. Making you think that you are the one in the wrong, and they're only reacting to how awful you are - yes. That's a massive red flag for an abusive twat.

He is categorically NOT a "nice" person. If he was, he'd be just as concerned as you are about your baby, not twatting on about you being "twisted" and other such utter bollox.

Please ignore EVERYTHING he says to you now, because he's not worth it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2016 10:27

I just feel guilty for kicking him out with nowhere to go,

Do not feel so, you likely feel guilty because you are a nice person. He has done this of his own volition and the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE. Do you think he feels any guilt as to how he has treated you and in turn your child; no. Such men like this hate women, all of them. He is truly inadequate.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you grew up within a violent home. You saw a lot and learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships which has gone on into present day. You likely have no real idea of what a mutually loving relationship is like precisely because no-one bothered to show you what that is. You were not protected fully from this at home either and your own relationship template as a result is warped. This man saw something in you initially that he could and has exploited to his own ends.

This is what you still know, it needs to be unlearnt through counselling. Love your own self for a change and raise your own relationship bar a lot higher from now on. That is as much for your son as for you.

At the very least apart from getting this person out of your life, please enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme. It will help you no end.

FurryDogMother · 17/08/2016 10:29

Please get rid of him - you don't want to live like this for the next x number of years, and you certainly don't want to bring your perfect new baby up around such a dickhead. You and your child deserve so much more. He won't change, don't believe for a moment that he will. Sending positive vibes your way - do it for your baby if not for yourself, and stop feeling sorry for him - it's his behaviour which has brought you to this, not your fault at all.

Edie30 · 17/08/2016 10:40

Hello OP.
Firstly, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at such a vulnerable time. Congratulations on the birth of your child. Please do not call your child a name that you do not like. When you get rid of this albatross from around your neck, you will regret letting a piece of shit ex partner dictate your child's name.

I agree with every poster - get rid, get rid, get rid. It will only get worse. Call WA. Call Mum.

He said "I have a nasty streak" that "I'm a vile, horrible person'" and that "I'm a twisted f*ck." He says "I'm sick in the head" and that I "play games." - This is pure projection. HE is sick in the head. HE plays games. HE is a vile, horrible person. HE is a twisted fuck.

He is 100% abusive; he won't change nor be a good man.

Take care lovely. Everything will be OK.

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