My 'd'p is beyond horrible

[Ipushedmygrannyaffabus]

I had a premature baby 7 weeks ago who is still in hospital (so I'm still a bit emotional). 'D' p is just being beyond horrible to me, every time I say anything which he sees as being critical (ie. last night I asked him to move over in bed - this unleashed a torrent if abuse). He's been saying things like
I'm a vile, horrible person
I'm a twisted f*ck
Everybody hates me (I know that's not true, I have loads of friends)
He's going to tell our baby I ruined our relationship
I'm sick in the head because I told him I hated our baby's name (I only went with it because he sulked so badly and refused to discuss other names)
Etc etc. I can't cope with this. He drinks every night. We are living with my mother at the moment (moving next week) and I'm having to lie beside him. I hate him and I'm devastated for our poor baby. I'm honestly not a nasty person. Don't know what I'm posting for but just need to tell someone as I can't tell anyone in real life.

Nice people behave nicely all the time, no matter what the provocation. They also behave nicely all the time to those they love, especially when those people are having a tough time. Your partner is not a nice person at all. I hope you can find a way to leave him and have genuinely nice people in your life.

The thing is, he can say whatever he likes - it doesn't make it true.

I am a nice person. My family, friends and lovely DH tell me this and logically I know this, but, when my ex told me I was always having a go and was a horrible, bad, mean person and that's why he shouted / slapped me, I believed him.

You P (no d for him) is being an abusive arsehole, and he's doing it not because you're vulnerable and have other things to focus on.

If your mum is supportive, ask her to help you. Chuck him out, don't move with him, and concentrate on your baby.

Please, please, please get rid of this horrible excuse of a man now while you have the chance. Do not let him spoil your time with your baby. He will only get worse.

Please Op
'Walking on egg shells' is a huge indicator in this. It's the worse feeling in the world and will be heightened when baby comes home.

He is abusive and sounds as though he has many issues. He will grind you down and you will start believing this is you.

Get rid

He does and will bring nothing positive to your life or that of your baby. Get rid. He's vile and not fit to be a dad or a partner.

Listen OP, he is treating you appallingly. You have recently given birth FFS, your baby is in hospital - he should be looking after you, not berating you and being abusive. His behaviour the night before the birth shows that it's not something that's come on with the stress of having a poorly baby.

My exH behaved just like this when my daughter was born. Those first few weeks of baby bliss were ruined by almost exactly the same abuse you have described, and your posts have brought up all the memories. (It turned out, he was having an affair.) I wouldn't wish what you're feeling on my worst enemy. Please please please put yourself first. Don't move in with him and don't feel guilty that he has nowhere to go. If you take this level of shit from him now, he will never let up, it will get worse.

I'm so sad that you feel you were pushed into using a name you don't like, is there anything you can do about that - get the certificate revised or something?

Please stand up to him; life will get better, I promise it will.

OP -

Please, for the love of all things sane, look up the definition of "projection". This is what he is doing, pure and simple. Knowledge is power.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

You must listen to the advice so far on this thread. He is an alcoholic abuser and he will damage you and your child massively if you allow it to continue.

You have a responsibility to protect your child from such vile behaviour.

Try and record his behaviour and do so secretly. Don't put yourself at risk from this vile prick. I'd love to punch his lights out for you.

Leave him.

Please please don't stay with someone who treats you like this. Let him move out alone. Stay with your mum temporary until you figure this out.

OP, are you able to see how you have had to keep moving your boundaries, your bottom line, to accommodate his poor treatment of you?

He's treating you terribly, but yet you say "oh, but of he was to do X, then I'd definitely leave him".

There was a time in your life I'm sure where you would have considered being taken into hospital and then having a 10 week premature baby, and your partner doing what he did to be absolutely beyond the pale.

You no longer seem to see this as being 'that bad'.

It IS that bad. Please believe us, we haven't had the gradual erosion of our own judgement that you've had. So we can look at it objectively, hes awful, truly awful.

Please know you and your baby deserve better than this.

If you won't protect yourself OP, protect your child. You are not responsible for housing your oppressor.

Thank you all, it's a lot to take it when just holding it together day to day is hard. I told my health visitor today some of what was going on and (now I have eventually forced him to get up) told him that he WILL be staying elsewhere tonight. I,ve also just remembered that I pressed record on my phone last night and recorded some of the abuse he was saying, I think I was going to show it to him when he wasn't being horrible but now I think I,ll keep it for myself, to remind myself why I'm about to basically turn my whole life upside down. I don't even want to listen to it just now, I can't take it, but even if I let him hear it when he's calm, he's not going to care, is he, he's not going to see how wrong it is. Deep breaths, baby steps.

Well done on telling your HV. Can you tell your mum, or does she already know? What other support do you have?

Remember that you are not so much "turning your whole life upside down" as starting out on a new and peaceful life for the benefit of your baby and you. That is well worth doing. Think positive, you can do it.

OP You are doing fab

Be proud of yourself for the better future you are making for you and your lovely baby .

Definitely keep the recording - back it up somehow and keep it safe. It could be v compelling evidence in your favour in the future should you need it.

Onwards and upwards - we're here to help you all the way. So many of us have been through similar and will all tell you you're doing the right thing.

You will be turning your life upside down, but for the better. You will be free of his crap and able to concentrate on your precious baby.

Unfortunately, I would be very surprised if he took any heed of his behaviour if you let him listen to the recording.

Well done for talking to your HV, please carry on posting here and everyone will support you.

Yes get rid!

He should realize he's is a nice house with a nice partner new baby - yet he's shitting on his own doorstep!

Were you renting?

What did HV say?

Get rid of him... Now!!!!! My DDwas born 11 weeks early, things were so stressful when she came home as she suffered from awful colic and reflux due to her prematurity. You need a calm, loving and nurturing environment to allow your baby to adjust to life outside the womb. This awful energy, together with the screaming and shouting will impact your baby a lot! Please don't do this to you or your baby

All the best OP, you're doing absolutely the right thing.

Huge congratulations on the arrival of your beautiful wee baby

Echoing every all ^pps have said. Plus, you can change your baby's name you know. It's clear that he is not going to play a significant part in either your life or your baby's so this is an option for you.

I haven't read the whole thread thoroughly, so I don't know if anyone has mentioned gaslighting? If not, look it up. My poor description would be it's where he's lying and manipulating to put blame on you for his nasty actions. He's making you doubt what you know to be true. He's messing with your head.

Trust yourself. You know better than his words. Keep that recording.

And keep a diary - every comment or conversation

Does he work?

He needs to step up to his responsibilities

Has he any family?

Don't share that recording with him. He'll delete it first chance he gets. It sounds like he's developed a problem with drink too. I agree with everyone's thoughts here that he's an abuser, taking great strides to becoming even more so. Especially when baby is home with you.

Is there any way at all this house move (buying or renting?) can be changed? Or as others have said you move in without him or he without you and baby?

I really think you need to be somewhere safe for you and little one. It's about you and babe now. He's going to tell baby how you ruined the relationship? How about he tells about how HE ruined everything by being a twat of the first order. I wouldn't forgive any of this nor would I give it a chance to get worse.

Gather your strength, pushed; get advice in RL and see this man for what he is. A drunken abuser.

Your so brave, strong and what a wonderful role model your Dd will have. She will know never to accept man or woman treating her the way your P is treating you. Stay strong and remember your a great mum as I'm sure he will constantly tell you otherwise and I want you to know he is just an idiot and is a crappy dad at the moment.

What a shithead he is. You sound fab and congrats on your lovely baby. You should certainly go for the name you wanted.
I'm shit at advice but sending you virtual strength

I'm so glad, OP. Now will be able to enjoy your baby and bring her home to a home.

With his behaviour around you would end up in a spiral of PND and an unhappy and difficult baby.