Bullying of Son by Ex's New Chap

[user1470914920]

Hello from a dad !

Don't know where to start !!!

I have two children, eldest (11) lives with me after court order in 2012 as has various special needs. Youngest (6) lives with their mom as per same court order.

Children are "swapped" over every weekend for 24 hours so parent can spend time with other child, in school holidays has been for 48 hours.

Mom and I find it hard to spend time together yet we were an item as such. Mom doesn't drive, I have to so the above can work.

First Wednesday in August I am one hour from taking eldest away for a holiday (to help eldest get through the school summer holiday which had been a struggle previously) when youngest son Skyped to say they (Mommy and youngest) had stopped at Mommys new boyfriends overnight. Numb and shock wasn't the word.

In the week prior to this and week after youngest was not quite right, I put it down initially to tiredness. In the week after "the announcement" youngest didn't phone as much as Mom was not phoning eldest - no reason given. Mom knows eldest needs routine and waits on her call at the same time every day.

Two days after the bad news I was contacted to say this new bloke was a bully who uses mental abuse. I took it with a pinch of salt at first. However a FB friend who doesn't live far from him saw them together and contacted me, not only confirming the same but saying what his reputation is and what he does. She also put me in touch with two other people (one a happily married lady and the other a bank manager ! They said exactly the same and recalled stories of seeing this man and what he can do). This man is nine years younger than my now ex, doesn't work and has a heck of a temper.

My concern is for my youngest. On one phone call they did make youngest was very upset, ex said because wanted to play, at which point youngest shouted No, it's because I want to be with Daddy. The few phone calls since have been very unlike youngest.When I have taken eldest away before youngest was never like this.

I have tried to pre warn ex as to what I was told. I knew she may say I was being jealous yet it was more everyone else is lying.

I'm not back until next week with eldest. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms by an ex work colleague of this bloke to let my kids nowhere near him as he is a clever bully who mentally abuses women and children as a relationship develops.

Other thing is my ex has a history of mental illness and could be classed as vulnerable.

My head and history says the relationship will blow over (mate reckons it is a mid life crisis summer fling as I'm away but I'm not confident re this for various reasons).

However my prime concern is for my youngest who is more withdrawn, tearful etc already. I think he is now vulnerable too and would rather be proactive than reactive.

What can/ should I do ? I feel helpless for him

Well done you. Sounds like you did a lot of good work and won the day.

I'm sure there's loads more to do, but you're really being there for your DC. Keep on SS's case! Its sad that they're understaffed, but this should be hi-pri for them, and as even they admitted, you've done loads of their work for them.

KOKO. You're a star.

Well done op you are your child's only voice in this. There's not many people out there who would have fought what you fought.

If it were me I'd...

• Put all the paper/note evidence into PDF format. Never give out your original documentation. You don't want it to become lost in someone's 'in' pile.

• Create a timeline of events - history of ex's partner and your own.

• Document all your concerns with your son, ex partner and her boyfriend. Relate back to evidence only i.e. Not your opinion.

• Email all documents to SS and CAFCASS

• Any evidence that you do not have on paper/email but does exists (e.g. Police documents) also include in the PDF/timeline/evidence documents. You just need to refer to them and how SS etc... can access them.

Once you have a name at SS and CAFCASS to email to, it will be easier to follow/chase up. You basically have to become their personal pita (in a nice way).

Keep separate email folders for this and keep your sent emails.
I don't know about yahoo/gmail etc... but on Outlook you can tag emails to notify you when emails have been sent and read. If you can tag, keep these notifications.

Easier then to follow up with, "I sent the email on x, it was read on y, though I still haven't had a reply..."

Be clear about what you want as an outcome.
Is it residency of your second son?
What happens if your ex chooses partner over son? Would you have him live with you?

• Ask SS and CAFCASS about their internal procedures and deadlines. Get it on email. You might need this if they fail to respond/inform you of meetings/deadlines etc...

I know very little about family courts etc... however I do know about paperwork and how to use it :-)

Thank you, I've been doing that.

The latest is the system is full of delays. Cafcass have failed to file their report in the designated timeline so the next court hearing has been delayed three weeks. I have little confidence in Cafcass as they seem to be overworked and saw my youngest in presence of his mom when so believe Cafcass should have spoken to him away from her?

In mid April this bloke sent an email in my ex's name to my Solicitor. I can prove this as she was with my eldest special needs son at the time and the email contains exactly the same misspellings and phrases as in an email he sent to my Solicitor previously. Thus April email claimed child abuse against me had been reported and the police were going to interview youngest. Police subsequently confirmed in writing neither was true. My Solicitor just shrugged her shoulders and said to ignore it. Bearing in mind this is most the sixth false claim made by this bloke including I wax going to be sued for slander, injunction would be applied for, children's act application would be made and none of this has happened either should I report this bloke for harassment? If feels like he can say what he likes and get away with it. Oh, and he was also arrested in 2008 for similar against someone else?

There's also minor breaches of him breaking his Prohibitive Steps Order which my Solicitor reckons isn't worth going to court about,.

My youngest has also told me other bad stories re this man including controlling ex's use of her phone (putting it in a bin when at his).

Any advice please? Ex has also finally produced a GP letter for court confirming her mental health issues. I'm very sensitive re then as have been aware of them and believe she is vulnerable yet at the same time she has chosen this bloke over seeing eldest son for months and has made further silly claims which luckily for me can be evidenced as, quite simply, lies.

Is it right too that I can use audio evidence as this is clearly a child protection issue?

I didn't have anything like the back-story you've got going on here, but my experience of Cafcass was massively underwhelming too. The one involved in my case was an ex social worker.

She pretty much ignored my concerns, interviewed the kids with their Mum present (but I wasn't to be there as that would be "inappropriate" as I might control their responses. She had no answer when I asked how their Mum couldn't / wouldn't control their responses) and then lied to the Court as to what I'd asked her in the initial interview.

All in all, very unimpressive but not a surprise.

Best of luck

Thank you. I know they're overworked yet they've already chosen to do exactly what they said they wouldn't. I'm still shocked that Cafcass and SS have said the same things re this man, in writing too, yet no action taken. I've worked for a children's charity before and there is no way we would have allowed this man near any children.

Anyone know how I can get all agencies and court to look at the evidence as one instead of them trying to say it's someone else's area?

Cafcass report was issued last thing on Friday after a three week delay as the Cafcass officer hadn't even started it !!!

She saw both my boys a day apart, eldest (with special needs) at school, youngest at home with his mom - is that right/ fair ?

Report basically looks like a rush job. It okay overall yet I feel missing key points.

It does confirm this bloke is a liar and should not around his daughter let alone my sons until all checks are completed.

Worries are:

1. My Cafcass report confirms this blokes prior history - drink/drive, drugs, domestic violence with more than one woman yet it has details in it which aren't in the linked case Cafcass report (for his daughter) and vice versa.

2. The Cafcass Officer has not referred at any point to the initial Social Services report from November 2016 (which Cafcass mention in their initial letter to court !). Am I being daft, this should have been taken into account shouldn't it ? I'll explain why if someone could clarify !!!

3. Cafcass claim there was an "incident" involving both boys at their moms last Tuesday with Cafcass there. Cafcass said it was basically boys being boys and all was okay. Yet I have the video that clearly shows me picking up eldest and he is agitated/ distressed at what happened. Cafcass also said I refused to leave son with mom as Cafcass were "running late". I have the text messages where Cafcass clearly said I could wait !!! Cafcass turned up an hour late citing traffic. Yet I have to basically drive past Cafcass en route and I got there on time.

So do I contact Cafcass and "complain" or do I wait for court (two weeks) and let my Solicitor deal with it ?

Cafcass are also expecting me to transport both boys to and fro for every contact. Eldest goes to school in a harness and it is not safe for anyone to transport him on their own. Cafcass have seen school who confirmed this yet Cafcass haven't mentioned this. I can show from 2013 onwards I have been asking for support with transporting eldest. I have reached the stage when I feel it is only right I say I am not transporting him, I can meet mom half way and we can get the bus or train (this is easier as I can concentrate on eldests needs instead of the road first). Does anyone know if I point blank refuse to transport what court/ agencies can do ? Would they have to sort it etc ?

Also Cafcass have tried to brush over ex's mental health. I've always thought ex can cope with support at times and this happened yet ex never takes eldest anywhere when she sees him and only takes youngest to the local shops otherwise he is stuck indoors. That''s not in childs best interests is it ?