Bullying of Son by Ex's New Chap

[user1470914920]

Hello from a dad !

Don't know where to start !!!

I have two children, eldest (11) lives with me after court order in 2012 as has various special needs. Youngest (6) lives with their mom as per same court order.

Children are "swapped" over every weekend for 24 hours so parent can spend time with other child, in school holidays has been for 48 hours.

Mom and I find it hard to spend time together yet we were an item as such. Mom doesn't drive, I have to so the above can work.

First Wednesday in August I am one hour from taking eldest away for a holiday (to help eldest get through the school summer holiday which had been a struggle previously) when youngest son Skyped to say they (Mommy and youngest) had stopped at Mommys new boyfriends overnight. Numb and shock wasn't the word.

In the week prior to this and week after youngest was not quite right, I put it down initially to tiredness. In the week after "the announcement" youngest didn't phone as much as Mom was not phoning eldest - no reason given. Mom knows eldest needs routine and waits on her call at the same time every day.

Two days after the bad news I was contacted to say this new bloke was a bully who uses mental abuse. I took it with a pinch of salt at first. However a FB friend who doesn't live far from him saw them together and contacted me, not only confirming the same but saying what his reputation is and what he does. She also put me in touch with two other people (one a happily married lady and the other a bank manager ! They said exactly the same and recalled stories of seeing this man and what he can do). This man is nine years younger than my now ex, doesn't work and has a heck of a temper.

My concern is for my youngest. On one phone call they did make youngest was very upset, ex said because wanted to play, at which point youngest shouted No, it's because I want to be with Daddy. The few phone calls since have been very unlike youngest.When I have taken eldest away before youngest was never like this.

I have tried to pre warn ex as to what I was told. I knew she may say I was being jealous yet it was more everyone else is lying.

I'm not back until next week with eldest. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms by an ex work colleague of this bloke to let my kids nowhere near him as he is a clever bully who mentally abuses women and children as a relationship develops.

Other thing is my ex has a history of mental illness and could be classed as vulnerable.

My head and history says the relationship will blow over (mate reckons it is a mid life crisis summer fling as I'm away but I'm not confident re this for various reasons).

However my prime concern is for my youngest who is more withdrawn, tearful etc already. I think he is now vulnerable too and would rather be proactive than reactive.

What can/ should I do ? I feel helpless for him

You can't leave your youngest to be emotionally abused because your eldest can't cope with his younger brother around.

I feel for you having that to contend with as well.

But Older Child unhappy in managed and supported environment is better than Younger Child bullied, surely?

OP. This sounds like an awful situation. If your child is not safe where he is at the moment you don't get to say that he can't stay with you. I just can't understand that at all. If you are worried that your son is being abused (emotionally possibly physically) then that is serious and you need to do something

3 options.

1. Leave youngest where he is. Accept that he will be bullied and abused.
2. Immediately start action to get youngest to live with you. Accept that eldest will be unhappy with this. Do the best you can.

3 As to but hope like hell that your ex "wakes up" and dumps her bloke before you get too far along the path. This is probably the best course of action but the trouble with bluffing is you may get your bluff called. Then you will have to pick between 1 and 2 but will lose any goodwill between you and your ex you have now,

Or I guess - 4 - Try and find another family member who is willing to raise one of your sons and try to get that son put in their care.

Personally I would go for 3 with an acceptance that 2 may happen.

Very difficult situation though - you have my sympathies.

I agree with you actually re options 3 and 2. I think the crunch will be when eldest and I return from holiday. In the meantime checking out this bloke via the police can do no harm and I think I also need to see how youngest is when I do get to see him. Been advised to ask him non leading questions with regards to how he feel and record his answers if possible

Today's question (sorry :( ) is as there is no history of violence between myself and my ex should this all go to court (which I fear as today this new bloke has been sending threats from her phone - I know it's not her as the grammar and style is like chalk and cheese) we wouldn't get legal aid now would we ?

Advice I have from SS so far is not encouraging until he actually does something (if not already on their system). Yet mental abuse is hard to prove isn't it ?

No you won't get legal aid. However I fought my ex three times in court and won. He paid thousands for a barrister who did nothing for the money tbh. I just clearly presented my case and that was fine.
I said didn't I ? SS are too busy with horrendous abuse cases that they have to spend months and months jumping through hoops of paperwork to be concerned with this kind of case. Until the police are called to that house there's nothing you can do except not return him to the situation

Thank you. Did you represent yourself?

He's sent you threats?! Wtf?! I think quite honestly, I would change flights, get home, get youngest child back ASAP and hole up with both DCs. How would you cope had you and the ex not split up? Oldest would have to tolerate youngest, tough.

Keep all communication, tell SS and inform police.

I did self rep and the judges have a lot more sympathy with you than the one sitting there with a lawyer

Threats count for nothing until he "does" something, log it all but it's a waste of time going to the police etc

Ex had youngest at hers, I have oldest at mine due to his special needs. That's how we were coping. Now my ex after what she has done recently as per my comments in original thread.

I appreciate this was not a "normal" family set up yet it was working for all four of us but especially the children.

I'm still not sure she realises what she's done.

I did reply to the threats, keeping calm, sticking to facts and asking a couple of questions to call his bluff. No reply back! Someone said to me yesterday bullies don't like being stood up to. I hope this will be the case

Thanks again. I think I could do that too. I've done all the hard work to keep my children happy, ex doesn't drive or work etc. Feel like I have a really strong hand yet don't want to use the children as pawns

He had said he had gone to the police which he's done to others claiming harassment. Bearing in mind I've kept everything and was cute enough not to be so silly I've asked for the log number or who they spoke to. Not heard anything, I have no idea why

Stop engaging with these twats honestly.

This is a difficult situation OP, you sound like a lovely caring dad. I work closely with SEN students, although in a high school, but I worked for years in primary. Although your youngest isn't SEN, his school, which I'm assuming he will return to in September, needs to know your concerns. They have a pastoral team, presumably? Tell them your concerns, and they will monitor his mood etc at school. The more 'professionals' that are aware the better. Then if SS do get involved, a multi-agency meeting may happen involving the school. Emotional issues are covered by our SEN team also. Contact the SENCO prior or when he returns.

Do you live in a village of 5 people?!
You seem to know an awful lot about this man and how he operates.
If he accused people of harassment before with no grounds, the police will be aware of that.
What have you done that is supposedly harassment?
You are right that your first priority must be to talk to your younger son.
Given that your conversation with him has nothing to do with taking a statement for court I wouldn't need about trying to avoid leading questions.
Just ask him - mum has a new boyfriend, how is that for you? And remind him that he can tell you anything.

I know from the what trusted people have told me. Not one has said different. They are happy to confirm to whoever too though I'm not sure it would be enough at this stage.

Well of course it won't, it's all hear say. So what are you going to do about it ?

Contacted Police re Clares Law.

Trying to get early flight back (wrong time of year for this it seems )

Quick update, I have a meeting with the police in a couple of days re the Clares Law request. Gaming spoken to them they said to call them or Social Services if I think my youngest is in danger. The police also said he is "known to them" PLUSH whatever that means?

The ex's family think everything is fine.

I saw my youngest at the weekend and the first thing he said was this man had said not to talk to me. Yet my son being my son couldn't wait to tell including this man is already shouting at him for no reason, telling my ex to shut up all the time and making my son feel "sad" when he interrogates him if his mom is upstairs etc. My son also said this man has told him not to talk on phone calls which my son hasn't when thus man is around.

Luckily I've got it all on an audio recording. Will this help?

Sorry about my spelling !

You have to get your youngest back with you. There is no option in the short term. You are potentially neglecting him by leaving him in a handful environment. FWIW I am a police officer in Child Protection. I appreciate the difficulties with your eldest but you need to do a balance of risk.

Ffs * harmful environment!

If your youngest was my son I'd walk over hot coals to get him back OP, he has to be the priority.

Glad you have a meeting due soon, hopefully it will move things on.

Good luck, awful situation. But kids come first, and this lad needs you.

Thanks all. I'm confident with what evidence I have I can show at least an intent from this man to emotionally abuse my youngest. Really not confident with involving Social Services though :(