Bullying of Son by Ex's New Chap

[user1470914920]

Hello from a dad !

Don't know where to start !!!

I have two children, eldest (11) lives with me after court order in 2012 as has various special needs. Youngest (6) lives with their mom as per same court order.

Children are "swapped" over every weekend for 24 hours so parent can spend time with other child, in school holidays has been for 48 hours.

Mom and I find it hard to spend time together yet we were an item as such. Mom doesn't drive, I have to so the above can work.

First Wednesday in August I am one hour from taking eldest away for a holiday (to help eldest get through the school summer holiday which had been a struggle previously) when youngest son Skyped to say they (Mommy and youngest) had stopped at Mommys new boyfriends overnight. Numb and shock wasn't the word.

In the week prior to this and week after youngest was not quite right, I put it down initially to tiredness. In the week after "the announcement" youngest didn't phone as much as Mom was not phoning eldest - no reason given. Mom knows eldest needs routine and waits on her call at the same time every day.

Two days after the bad news I was contacted to say this new bloke was a bully who uses mental abuse. I took it with a pinch of salt at first. However a FB friend who doesn't live far from him saw them together and contacted me, not only confirming the same but saying what his reputation is and what he does. She also put me in touch with two other people (one a happily married lady and the other a bank manager ! They said exactly the same and recalled stories of seeing this man and what he can do). This man is nine years younger than my now ex, doesn't work and has a heck of a temper.

My concern is for my youngest. On one phone call they did make youngest was very upset, ex said because wanted to play, at which point youngest shouted No, it's because I want to be with Daddy. The few phone calls since have been very unlike youngest.When I have taken eldest away before youngest was never like this.

I have tried to pre warn ex as to what I was told. I knew she may say I was being jealous yet it was more everyone else is lying.

I'm not back until next week with eldest. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms by an ex work colleague of this bloke to let my kids nowhere near him as he is a clever bully who mentally abuses women and children as a relationship develops.

Other thing is my ex has a history of mental illness and could be classed as vulnerable.

My head and history says the relationship will blow over (mate reckons it is a mid life crisis summer fling as I'm away but I'm not confident re this for various reasons).

However my prime concern is for my youngest who is more withdrawn, tearful etc already. I think he is now vulnerable too and would rather be proactive than reactive.

What can/ should I do ? I feel helpless for him

Thank you, hope yours was too.

Ex didn't reply to Solicitors letter asking re Christmas, made no effort to see eldest with special needs and prevented me from seeing youngest.

Whilst I am sure this will go against her it helps neither of my boys. Seems this bloke will be representing her in court which will be interesting as he has already shown to be a liar and unstable from Social Services and Cafcass previously

Right I am due to speak to Cafcass next week. Any tips ? I want to keep it child focused but can show the constant lies of ex and her bf with evidence e.g. Social Services confirming they never told ex no contact and what ex claimed her bf has done before and was rebuked by court in 2013.

How do I get Cafcass to see all the evidence that shows this man has a history of emotional abuse and all the warnings others gave about how youngest would be blocked from any contact with me has happened ?

I've got mom of this mans daughter willing to stand up in court and tell Cafcass he has not been allowed to see their daughter due to emotional abuse too.

It has also become clear this bloke makes silly claims and just "goes with it" if you know what I mean with no evidence, i.e. just trying to blacken others names and divert attention away from him.

I've seen the Cafcass and Social Services reports from his 2013 court case re his daughter and both agencies refer to this mans lies, "fantasist" claims and aggressive behaviour.

Thank you

I'd mention everything to CAFCASS but keep the focus on the significant harm your son is suffering right now.
I hope it goes well for you x

I would bullet point the things you want to say before the call. Incude the dates you've sought help/advice and dated evidence you've seen/heard. The main concern is that you haven't seen your youngest. Cafcass will take that very seriously.

Your posts come across clearly, and with concern for your sons and also for your ex. I think you will be able to put your concerns across well.

Cafcass tend to take a poor view of parents who just want to badmouth each other but your concern is clearly for your sons and doing what's best for them. In my experience, the call becomes a straightforward one in that case.

Thanks both, much appreciated. It's that balance between the clear concerns for my sons and the evidence held as to what has happened.

Oh and I asked Social Services what they were doing four weeks ago, no reply so made a complaint. They came back on Friday and said they had no record of my contact four weeks ago. I pointed out I had the auto response acknowledgement from their own email address still. Doesn't inspire confidence does it ?

I'm after some reassurance please. I have evidence from Cafcass and Social Services reports that this man had been emotionally abusing his daughter, was a liar and unstable etc. There's a GP letter confirming he tried to take an overdose in front of his daughter and daughter confirms this and her feelings in the above mentioned reports. I've also seen proof this man has been making false allegations to agencies and police since 2007.

I have every right to ask don't I for these reports to be referred to in my case as I can show this man is emotionally abusing my son ? I have no doubts he is controlling my ex yet I have to help my boys.

I'm trying to get all parties to share information (evidence !), can see why there are so many failings as there seems to be a reluctance to do it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again

Didn't want to read and run but I'm not sure I have the answers for you. Surely social services should be leading on this though?

I agree yet a complaint is in to them as they can't even find some of the correspondence and evidence sent !

Latest is initial court hearing is next week. Cafcass have recommended this bloke has no contact with either of my sons whilst checks are carried out on him. Cafcass also recommend a Section 7 report. Both I am happy with obviously. Am I right in thinking it will be unusual for the judge to go against the initial Cafcass advice ?

Anyone ? :(

Sorry I have no idea but bumping for you, best of luck.

Thank you !

Also no advice I'm afraid, but bumping. I really hope that if you can really get across on the fact you've been prevented from seeing your youngest, and how very unusual it is for your ex not to see your eldest, that the judge will see what is going on.

I really feel for you - you sound concerned for all, including your ex, and that can only work in your favour. Your poor children 💐

Thank you again.

I actually have so much evidence (yes, evidence !!!) I feel like I might have too much. I'm not daft, I don't want a he said she said as no-one wins then, most of all my boys. However if anyone does know if I am right, or not, in thinking it will be unusual for the judge to go against the initial Cafcass advice it would be really helpful ?

Ex has not even confirmed if she will be attending (I have no doubt she will) let alone if she has a Solicitor to represent her

Hi, I can ask the Social Workers at my work place, but logically, I can't think why a judge would do go against recommendations from CAFCASS

Thank you again ! That's what common sense tells me too yet with the fact that Social Services have "missed" a lot of what this man has done previously I'm sure you can appreciate my doubts. And "missed" includes he was given custody of his son despite him having a daughter he had not seen for years during to emotional abuse. And this wasn't checked out. I can only think as foster carer numbers aren't great at the moment ... There are also previous SS and Cafcass reports on this man confirming all my fears yet all matters seems to have been treated in isolation. When you look at the whole picture over time it is quite frightening that women and children say the same things about what he does and they haven't met each other. Even the police have said in the initial Cafcass report he has a history of domestic abuse

It is amazing that even today agencies involved in child protection done share nformation and that there seems to be no cross reference so that this man's history of abuse etc.is mapped on a data base.

It is. All went initially as hoped at court from my side. Prohibitive Steps order against the ex stopping this bloke being around my boys. Seeing youngest on Sunday for first time in 6 months. Just hoping we get experienced Social Worker etc as appreciate they are all stretched. My Solciitor saw my evidence as said I have done half their job for them already and I need to push to get SS and Cafcass to look at it all asap. Solicitor also sent this bloke away from court, he turned up and tried to do ex's talking for her. Solicitor said it was a private hearing and he should leave. Said he was a narcissist

Glad it went well. He sounds awful. So difficult to prove this type of behaviour but it sounds like you're part way there. Good luck and enjoy your contact time

I have followed your thread but it has been completely over my head so had nothing of value to add other than my best wishes and that I am glad it all went well for you and hope the whole situation continues to improve for you and the children.

Thank you both. Very grateful for your kind words. If anyone could give me tips how best to advise SS my concerns and show them my actual evidence I would appreciate it as need to ensure to keep this man away from my boys. Other children and women would be ideal too yet there is only so much I can do

Apologies if it has been mentioned, but can you get info from the police about his history under Clare's law? leics.police.uk/advice-and-information/victims-witnesses/domestic-abuse-disclosure-scheme-clares-law

I have no experience or knowledge of these situations just wanted to let you know i was listening.

Just stopping by to wish you all the best with this. Your boys are lucky to have you!

Thank you all, it does mean a lot ! I have tried Claires Law, (and Sarahs Law), neither showed up anything which is what I was expecting as this man is an emotional abuser. What has already been confirmed via Cafcass is the police have a record of domestic abuse and SS saying he was very controlling and refusing ex to speak when they saw them pre Christmas. There is so much evidence there and patterns, it reads like he does what he does and then moves on keeping everyone at arms length. His ex's are all petrified of him, it's heartbreaking to see