Bullying of Son by Ex's New Chap

[user1470914920]

Hello from a dad !

Don't know where to start !!!

I have two children, eldest (11) lives with me after court order in 2012 as has various special needs. Youngest (6) lives with their mom as per same court order.

Children are "swapped" over every weekend for 24 hours so parent can spend time with other child, in school holidays has been for 48 hours.

Mom and I find it hard to spend time together yet we were an item as such. Mom doesn't drive, I have to so the above can work.

First Wednesday in August I am one hour from taking eldest away for a holiday (to help eldest get through the school summer holiday which had been a struggle previously) when youngest son Skyped to say they (Mommy and youngest) had stopped at Mommys new boyfriends overnight. Numb and shock wasn't the word.

In the week prior to this and week after youngest was not quite right, I put it down initially to tiredness. In the week after "the announcement" youngest didn't phone as much as Mom was not phoning eldest - no reason given. Mom knows eldest needs routine and waits on her call at the same time every day.

Two days after the bad news I was contacted to say this new bloke was a bully who uses mental abuse. I took it with a pinch of salt at first. However a FB friend who doesn't live far from him saw them together and contacted me, not only confirming the same but saying what his reputation is and what he does. She also put me in touch with two other people (one a happily married lady and the other a bank manager ! They said exactly the same and recalled stories of seeing this man and what he can do). This man is nine years younger than my now ex, doesn't work and has a heck of a temper.

My concern is for my youngest. On one phone call they did make youngest was very upset, ex said because wanted to play, at which point youngest shouted No, it's because I want to be with Daddy. The few phone calls since have been very unlike youngest.When I have taken eldest away before youngest was never like this.

I have tried to pre warn ex as to what I was told. I knew she may say I was being jealous yet it was more everyone else is lying.

I'm not back until next week with eldest. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms by an ex work colleague of this bloke to let my kids nowhere near him as he is a clever bully who mentally abuses women and children as a relationship develops.

Other thing is my ex has a history of mental illness and could be classed as vulnerable.

My head and history says the relationship will blow over (mate reckons it is a mid life crisis summer fling as I'm away but I'm not confident re this for various reasons).

However my prime concern is for my youngest who is more withdrawn, tearful etc already. I think he is now vulnerable too and would rather be proactive than reactive.

What can/ should I do ? I feel helpless for him

I've seen the police, have them this man's details and then went into their back office, came back out and said they're doing a safe and well check on my youngest later.

Is this standard bearing in mind I haven't even filled in the Clares Law paperwork yet or shown them my evidence?

Right ! I need some advice please.

Police have not done the safe and well check due to "manpower" issues and it seems the notes they made re what has been happening was very basic. I have contacted the station to ask them to look at the full situation.

I have spoken to youngests school and made a SS referral though I was loath to. I saw youngest at the weekend and before we even drove off he was telling me what this man has been saying and doing, example being shouting at youngest and my ex for no reason, telling my ex to shut the up, telling my youngest not to talk to me on the phone (which has been happening) and just before youngest saw me last weekend he apparently cornered my youngest while his mom was upstairs and told him not to tell me anything and to repeat this and said "say it again, again, again ..." and my youngest said this made him feel weird and sad. There's more !

Contact was set for this weekend until yesterday when I got a text from my ex's dad phone. Bearing in mind he is 70 and his previous texts have been very basic with poor spelling I got an epic message saying no contact this weekend, see you in court etc. I have no doubts this man oversaw this text and feel he is only doing this as he knows my youngest has spoken to me.

What they don't know is I have clear audio recordings of my youngest to back up the above. The NSPCC advise it is basically emotional abuse. Has anyone ever used audio recordings as evidence ? I am confident they show my son led the conversations and I wasn't encouraging him to say what he did.

I wonder if I have enough to also apply for a order of some sort to stop this man from being around my youngest and, in time, eldest ? If my ex wants to keep seeing him and putting up with him fine, it's the boys I am thinking of.

Thank you

You need to see a solicitor.
On Monday.
That's what you need to do.

If he was mine, I wouldn't have returned him last weekend.

Is he there this weekend?

I'm seeing one Tuesday.

As I've said before my eldest has many special needs, he can't cope around most people and will hit out. Youngests school is only up the road from his home so what's stopping his mom from just collecting him ?

It would be great if I could just get an order out against this man while the court/ SS proceedings were allowed to continue in my opinion.

Re the clear audio recordings of my youngest to back up the above has anyone ever used audio recordings as evidence ? I am confident they show my son led the conversations

I've been told I can use the audio for a prohibitive steps order?

I've warned the ex and family yet four weeks into the relationship and he's already taken over their phones for texts, he sends war and peace style texts, different spellings, layout etc compared to ex and family's basic few words.

I agree re the jealousy yer I'm concentrating on the boys.

Yes, you're right. I sense she hasn't told him her mental health background and I was loathe to bring this up as it may look like revenge. However I made some notes earlier and looked at the texts I've saved going back since the original court order when she goes nuts. And sorry there's no other way to describe it. The texts clearly show a pattern of her where she never contacted our eldest and me texting her and asking her to phone him as he's upset she hadn't phoned. Which she is doing again. Only 6 days out of the last 36 has she phoned him. Always good at making problems yet never solving them.

For the previous court order she made claims re me which I could evidence as not true and her Solicitor eventually told her none of her claims could be relied upon in court. She said after she was saying them to try and get me to reacte.

I definitely think she's vulnerable too right now with this bloke yet I feel I have to protect our youngest as much as possible. Does that sound so wrong?

Sorry OP this is going to sound really harsh but you sound like you are making excuses for why you can't do something to protect your son.

I appreciate I don't know all the facts and history but this thread started weeks ago and that poor little boy is still stuck with a bully and two parents who aren't making his safety and well-being their priority.

I don't know what to suggest if you are adamant that you can't/won't bring him straight home to you to be cared for and cherished as he should be.

My legal advice is even if I did take him his school is up the road and his mom can pick him up at any time.

Re the mental health of course I haven't mentioned it to him. It will soon become apparent though. She can't exactly hide it. I'm numb about what she's done, I'm not into revenge as looking after our eldest is tiring enough and if you knew how important her daily phone calls were to my special needs son you would appreciate the effect these non calls are having on him.

A cardinal sin is breaking off contact with your child for no reason and this is what she done now even if it is through him. Despite everything I can show I have asked her to phone him and she still won't do it. Hardly revenge too eh ?!!!

He's already taken over her phone and her dads, the final one being last Friday evening when "she" (it was him) stopped contact for last weekend and says it's because we have to go to a contact centre. My legal advice laughed at this suggestion yesterday.

The Clares Law request is done, the police have said it looks like he's a control freak and the hard part is it will take time to prove it. Social Services were useless yesterday (couldn't even get our names right) and are coming back to me today apparently after speaking to a Team Leader despite a referral being done and evidence submitted.

It looks like we have to wait for something to happen rather than being proactive.

My other option it seems is to go to court as she has broken off contact to get it reinstated and ask for Cafcass assistance. I've had one experience of them and it wasn't exactly great even though their report sided with me

Well that makes no sense Karma as it's the ExW who has blocked contact for the OP.

I haven't responded in the same manner. I've kept every text back and forth to show this.

I'm being patient as I hope she will still come to her senses re our boys. If not looks like court etc will have to be involved. In the meantime she(he) thinks by me not seeing youngest them youngest can't tell me what's been happening with this man.

Social Services aren't getting involved unless court tells them too even with the evidence sent, ex's history and their previous involvement.

I think it's a manpower issue yet does not help my son

Okay, latest is:

Seeing a Solicitor Wednesday re establishing contact (at worst), obtaining restraining order on this man (interim or otherwise) at best.

Bombshell this weekend as I was told this man has a daughter he is not allowed to see. I was put in touch with the girls mom. She said everything I feared, he was emotionally abusing their daughter including an attempted overdose at his house while daughter was there and daughters mom confirmed daughter had seen him trying to strangle his ex wife (which is what his ex wife said). The mom can't afford court so she has said daughter can't see dad for now and if he wants to then he can go through solicitor etc. He hasn't.

There's more the mom has said that fits exactly into what even my six year old son has said.

Both these moms are terrified of this man.

Police said tonight Social Services have to reopen the referral. I think the daughters mom will say to them what she has said to me as she reported him to them three years ago and they didn't do anything.

I'm hoping I now have enough to get some sort of order against this man from being anywhere near my son even if it is short term while investigations take place.

Has anyone been through similar or can assist with what I can do next ? I feel if one of the two moms come forward we help each other yet I know how scared they are of him

Right,latest is having found out he has an eleven year old daughter he is not allowed to see as the mom says he emotionally abuses the daughter is I'm now in the process of trying to get an interim restraining order on him to keep away from my boys.

Third weekend of no contact despite polite requests to the boys mother,she has never done this before even though she has stopped phoning eldest for spells previously.

Hoping SS now will act as apparently they were warned about him three years ago. The police won't do anything until he gets physical apparently. However they have said if the daughters mom would come forward they would help her as much as possible. Poor woman is terrified of him. I've contacted Womens Aid for their advice to see if they could offer support to the mom , or know anywhere they might, haven't heard back as yet

Hello !!! Further to the above the up to date news is I have had to take my ex to court to get any access to youngest, she stopped contact though I have no doubts it is through this man.

Our eldest special needs son, who lives with me, has now been confirmed as having a form of depression as his mom hasn't seen him in three months (her "choice"). She has only just started to phone him again.

The ex and this man have made two claims to the police that I was harassing him through texts and emails. They had no evidence. The police didn't even interview me, had a chat the first time and advised me the second they had told ex and him to stop making silly claims with no evidence. I have never been in trouble before. It transpires this man has with the police - including making false claims spookily - over a number of years. I seen the correspondence re his daughters family court case in 2014, Cafcass and Social Services both say he is unreliable, confrontational and a fantasist. He also never turned up at the final hearing so no contact order was made by the judge as she said if he couldn't be bothered why should she ...

This man has also phoned my Solicitors and emailed them with irrational and inconsistent claims.

Social Services are compiling an intital report having spoken to myself and ex's side.

This man is trying to get access to his daughter, initial hearing is Thursday. Both he and daughters mom are not using Solicitors. In the 2014 Cafcass report it is noted this man phoned Cafcass and then Social Services to try and get his daughter to say she wanted to live with him. Cafcass said what he was doing was inappropriate, when they spoke to the daughter separately she said she wanted to live with her mom and just see her dad here and there. Please bear in mind this man comes and goes and I've now seen the evidence he did indeed try to take an overdose in front of his daughter whilst on holiday.

Today the daughters mom has come home to correspondence from this man, even though he has been advised through a solicitors not to contact the mom, including an undated letter from one of his neighbours saying the daughter slags off her mom and wants to live with her dad (do you see the pattern here ?!). Isn't this a form of intimidation ?

Also I take it Cafcass this time can refer to the previous court case re the daughter ?

It is a nightmare.

I have read this thread over the months, but never commented as I'd nothing to offer.

I do hope things get resolved soon, but I suspect you won't have much to do with your childrens' mother until she splits up with the boyfriend.

My thoughts are with you.

I agree totally and thank you. I don't want anything to do with my ex yet have to think of the boys.Got a hospital letter confirming sons depression yet even that has not pushed her to see him. She dumped her Solicitor in October (I think either because she was told what she didn't want to her and/or costs) and no replies to two letters from mine asking for contact since hence now going to court.

I've also seen this mans application to see his daughter - he has put he was deemed the safety factor in the last court case, the case he lost, his claims were exposed and where he didn't turn up at the last hearing so no contact order was agreed !!!

Also found out today he is a volunteer at a Sure Start !!!

If I hadn't seen the previous written reports I would be wary yet it's all there in black and white ! Talk about not sharing information !

I hope you've all had a peaceful Christmas.