Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

He thinks he needs to provide for his son (right on that) but also for me.

How exactly is he providing for you though?

He really isn't. There's nothing he's done thatconstitutes providing for you.

Why not stay as you are in seperate homes. It's not really progressing to anything if he's expecting 50/50 with the big income difference in incomes.

Monkey, if he cannot bring himself to discuss his finances with me, would he like to discuss them with me and a stranger? Probably not, even if it is a small amount of money to pay when compared with the benefits you can reap.

Sandy, as I mentioned, I can't see that very well either. Yes he pays a little bit extra here and there, and so do I. If he has some good plans for me, he has not told me about them yet.

I agree with Attila. I think you've only seen the superficial side of this man so far.

Can't see much point in you both going to a mediator. Fundamentally he wants to live in the countryside and you want to live in the city. Those two things are not reconcilable.

There's really no compromise between living in the country and living in the city centre that's going to make you both happy. I strongly suggest you stick with the life you have.

Why doesn't he buy a little place in the country on his own and you visit at weekends? Then if all goes well, you divide your time between homes when your son is an adult.

Why does it have to be a money-pit fixer-upper that will consume everything you have? While he'll still have money and other assets?

It's just crazy that he expects you to give up all your security and independence.

And I just can't get over you driving around in a car that's door won't open, and him doing nothing, not even I don't know, going to a breaker's yard with you and helping you buy a new door and helping you find someone to install it.

I think he is a snob. His attitude towards your lovely house and the surrounding area reveals as much. I wonder if that lack of respect extends to other aspects of your life and choices?

I agree with these comments by Attila:
"He has behaved himself up till now; you have now seen a side of him that you need to take heed of, he hid that before now. That is who he is. I do not think you know him as well as you think you do."

Often nasty, controlling, abusive men don't reveal their true colours until you're dependent on them in some way. Living together, married, pregnant... Living in a house you jointly own, in the countryside (ie isolated from friends, family and the outside world in general) with no means to move out and back into a place of you own - that would certainly be dependent. At his mercy, even. The thought makes me shudder.

But you do have options OP. You have the option to say "No, that doesn't work for me" - as Across just said. You have the option not to move in with him (there's no way I would).

You clearly don't want to move away from town/city, so why are you even considering it? You are in charge here, just as much as he is.

sounds like he doesn't understand the difference between equality and equity. What he's suggesting isn't in any way equitable. Also, as others have said, when you describe your current home and location your post lights up. You clearly love where you are, so much to be said for that and it's far too big a thing to give up. Good luck OP.

It is funny how often it is the case that when men want something big like this, it is reasonable and sensible, but when women want something it is pushy and unreasonable. I guess it is a relic of times when men's jobs automatically came first - which just doesn't have to be the case today.

To be fair though AnotherEmma he's just as entitled to hate the idea of living in the city as the OP is to not want to live in the countryside. We live in the suburbs and I would never want to move back into the centre. I don't think that makes me a snob.

I do however agree that I wouldn't be rushing to move to the middle of nowhere with this bloke counting how many squares of toilet roll you were using, particularly if you have no desire to live in the middle of nowhere.

OP, things that jumped out at me from your posts:

"He is accusing me of being too rigid and has told me in a couple of occasions that he thinks I don't love him enough."
Well that's manipulative. And intended to bring you to heel.

"Of course I don't want a Mercedes, I just him to understand the disparity of the situation."
That's a very important point. The financial disparity is in plan sight, is it not? And finances are numbers not opinions, so more a case of acknowledging than understanding. He could 'understand' it, he's not thick. So that only leaves that he is either choosing not to understand it (because it is inconvenient and does not help him achieve his ambition of a country pile), or that he lacks empathy and insight into other people's lives. Neither speak well of him.

"And although you are telling me he wants all in his own terms, he says exactly the same of me."
And back to manipulation. With a side-order of projection/attack-is-the-best-form-of-defence. Let's drag that red herring all over it to confuse OP the scent.

"One of the things I have found more attractive of him is that he does NOT need to be mothered: i don't do his laundry, iron, keep his diary, or sort his problems."
I wouldn't be too sure things would stay that way if you lived together.

"I was the one who mentioned that moving away was a deal breaker. I left that clear from the very beginning of the relationship. He said he had never expected I would be so rigid about it."
More manipulation. Plus he thought he'd be able to override you at a later date.

"He says he feels as distraught about moving to a city as I do about moving to the countryside."
So he acknowledges you don't want to do it, but continues to push you regardless? Because of course, your distress is so much less important than his?

"My son is incredibly mature for his age, he gets along very well with BF and likes him very much but, he us not stupid and can see that sometimes I despair about the situation. A couple of months ago he came to talk to me and told me I like him very much but you need to do what makes you happy, if you want to break up with him, don't worry about me"."
Oh jeez. If your son is saying that, I think he'd rather you break up. Your relationship with this bloke is part of his landscape, he can see it clearly.

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE, IT WOULD BE FINANCIAL SUICIDE. YOU WANT DIFFERENT THINGS FROM YOUR HOMES, DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER.

Attila, if I was taken aback, it is because in the 3 years we have been together, I had not seen that aspect of his personality

No. He's always been selfish and arsey about money, you just didn't question it until now, and you didn't realise what it implied.

In relationships between two very different people, things can rub along fine as long as there are no major bones of contention. It's times like these that the differences hit the spotlight.

Basically, he's nothing like as nice a man as you thought he was. He was happy as long as everything went his way, and he was in control financially.

Unfortunately, I think your good nature, and general acceptance of his terms has made him more selfish and emboldened him to try to take advantage of you.

He really thinks that his way is the one and only accepted way in the UK

A very, very bizarre line for an adult to take. It speaks volumes of his arrogance and narrow self-focus, and inability to see anyone's view but his own.

Wow, I wouldn't even consider moving in a with a guy who thought like this/ Blimey. Especially the accusing you of coming across as being with him for money. Keep YOUR house. You will regret this if you go along with it...

rookie
"To be fair though AnotherEmma he's just as entitled to hate the idea of living in the city as the OP is to not want to live in the countryside. We live in the suburbs and I would never want to move back into the centre. I don't think that makes me a snob."

I think you misunderstood me. I'm not saying he's a snob because he prefers the country to the city. Far from it. I think he's a snob because of the following:

"I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area"

"he finds my house simply not good enough, his car is not safe parked on the street (there are people parking Porsches and other expensive cars on the street but he wouldn't have any of it), there is no place to take the sun (he loves to sunbathe for some reason), most of my neighbours are very well off but we have some seedy characters in the streets around and a student residence nearby so, it is sometimes a bit noisy when they pass by, so he doesn't like it here."

"He is not from this city, so when he looks around he doesn't see much of the lively "ecosystem" we have created in these refurbished expensive Victorian areas. Sometimes I think he just see slums "

It sounds to me like a perfectly good area, and just because not everyone is rich - God forbid there should be a few students and "shady characters"!! - it's not good enough for him.

That's why he's a snob.
That and a tight bastard.

He sounds more nouveau riche than snobby tbh.

I suppose buying yourself an expensive new car every 18 months is rather "nouveau riche".

I think you can be nouveau riche and a snob, though.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee here. Moving in with this guy would be beyond awful. You like your life in the city. So does your son. You and your son come first. This man is fundamentally selfish and mean. He thinks 50/50 is how it's done in teh UK? Bullshit. He wants it because it suits him. There is zero point in going to a mediator or a financial planner, people like this manipulate such situations.

Your son is more mature than he is, and can sense that you're not happy.

I'd tell this bloke I need some space from the relationship, it's no longer working for me and my son. If he brings up money, I'd tell him yes, that's a big part of it. But also that I don't want to move to the countryside, ever (I don't blame you. I live there now and once we move back to the city, I'm NEVER living in the country again), I like my house and my life, and I don't think 50/50 is the way to go when there's so much disparity in incomes.

The holiday thing speaks fucking volumes! He scales back the holidays he likes because he's too fucking mean to make up the difference to you?! WTAF?

And you know why that's mean? Because I'll bet you a million pounds if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't think twice about paying up for him to come along.

What expat and others say.

Of course you have seen this before, you just haven't realised.

He would rather go for a cheaper (not as good in his eyes) holiday to ensure you pay exactly 50/50 than maybe pay a couple of extra £££ so you can all have a nice holiday.

The same with eating out. You feel like he has lowered the standard of where he would eat (again rather than pay a few extra ££) to ensure you didn't get a single penny out of him on an evening out.

That is how tight he is.

He thinks you are a gold digger and after him to buy you nice stuff. When you have lived within your budget and not asked him for anything.

That is his real opinion of you.

You can, but a straight snob might have a better appreciation of Victorian architecture.

The general preoccupation with cars, cash, gold-diggers and the Mercedes comment... doesn't indicate a man of great taste.

That was to AnotherEmma ^^

That is how tight he is

Absofuckinglutely.

The man you are currently in a relationship with OP is tighter than a gnat's bottom.

And what expat wrote earlier.

He has many options to choose from, I am not so fortunate.

But you have the golden option. To stay where you've spent years working to get and where you're happy.