Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

And what good would that do?.

Do you actually think that showing him this thread would make a hill of beans difference?.

Yeah.. He really thinks that his way is the one and only accepted way in the UK. Good to be able to illustrate him in why his moving together suggestion is not as reasonable as he may think.

I'm a strong woman, no shrinking violet here.

You may well be but you are not this when it comes to him. Inadequate men like supposedly strong women like you (but with an innate low self worth, lack of overall confidence in relationships and low self esteem) to break them down, he sees you as a challenge.

He is also not willing to compromise his ideal and accuses you of being a gold digger. You are not compatible longer term because you want different things.

OK, have not RTFT but scanned it and have the gist

My first reaction was that I really didn't like him very much. However, if he has redeeming factors that make you really want to stay with him then the best thing surely is to consult some kind of financial planner/mediator together -- someone who is unbiased but can point out to him what's fair?

He will just dismiss us as a lot of man hating harpies. Why do you think he would actually take any notice of us; he has not taken any real notice of what you have said to him either.

I also think it's worrying when an OP feels she has to resort to showing a thread to her partner because he doesn't actually listen to or respect her point of view in its own right.

Surely there must be plenty of evidence from his life and yours that people don't always split everything 50/50? If not has he been living in his own little bubble or something?!

always not also
I always think it's worrying..

I love him, and I would really like that this relationship could continue but I think if we move in together while we feel the situation is so unfair, we are doomed to fail as a couple.

I have been feeling your answers and feeling very sad about them, they just confirm that he might not care so much about me as I thought. But then, there are all the good points to consider...

Sigh... I am not going to do anything stupid but it will be painful to leave it at this, we both have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship. It is just the different views on finances/houses that are causing the problem.

Feeling... Reading your answers, even

" we both have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship. "

Don't fall into the trap of the sunken costs fallacy!

Tbh given that he's accused you of being a gold digger and made that nasty retort about wanting him to buy you a Mercedes, I very much doubt he's the wonderful man you believe him to be. I think he's very capable of getting very nasty when things don't go his way. Especially when those things relate to money and finances.

"we both have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship".

Well you have and I think you've got yourself caught up in the sunken costs fallacy.

It’s also what keeps us in bad relationships. People change. Often, those changes will result in formerly good partners no longer being good matches for each other. In those circumstances, it’s best that couples break up or transition to some other form of relationship. It is often the case, though, that couples will look at their history and conclude that too much time, effort, and energy has been invested in the relationship to end it.

It’s also a mistake to think that the amount of investment in a relationship automatically adds value to that relationship. It doesn’t. The value of the relationship consists of what is happening in the present and in the future. The past is done. The past is useful in predicting the future, but the past by itself doesn’t actually add any value. The length of a relationship or the amount of effort put into a relationship doesn’t actually add value. If it’s clear that a relationship won’t serve you in the future, your previous investment in the relationship won’t change that.

Hmm, I cannot say that I didn't note that possibility AnotherEmma, when having that conversation.

I was very taken aback on the way he tried to turn the things I was saying around. I felt a bit as if I was talking to a teenager rather than a full grown man.

It feels like it might also be a timing thing. You might be more inclined to consider living more rurally once your DS has finished school, or you aren't having to commute to work any more. Your experience in the past might not be reflective of how it would be if you moved to a different country area.

If he is already renting is there a halfway house option of renting semi rurally in a location which allows your DS to continue to go to his existing school ?

Perhaps you could send him an email outlining your financial concerns. It may not change the situation but may give him a greater understanding of your side of the story.

Actually I don't know why I'm typing all this. Really just don't move in with him. It's sad and it sounds like in many ways it's a good relationship but unless he can cope with living separately until your DS is older or moving in with you, then it just doesn't make sense for you to do anything else.

I think your own son has far more emotional maturity that this man has. He is really a teen in a man's body. Look at how he has deflected your very reasoned argument by going on the attack. Do you really want a relationship with a man prone to acting out stroppy teenage type behaviours to get his own way?. This is likely what he did with his ex-wife as well amongst other behaviours steeped in wanting power and control. If this is indeed what he did to her then it is of nor surprise at all that she walked away from the marriage.

I can assure you Rokie, I cannot even manage suburbia well. In that I may be unreasonable but when I have spent the last 20 years trying to get nearer and nearer to the city centre (far more expensive than the outskirts), I really don't want to move back to where I was so many years ago.

He is not from this city, so when he looks around he doesn't see much of the lively "ecosystem" we have created in these refurbished expensive Victorian areas. Sometimes I think he just see slums

Attila, if I was taken aback, it is because in the 3 years we have been together, I had not seen that aspect of his personality.

As I said, he is normally very reasonable, but on that day his arguments were, essentially, rubbish. Eke specially when he said that we were living pretty much on the same amount of money as a big chunk of his salary is put in a pension fund.

Ahem, do I have the option to put such a huge portion of my salar away for rainy days? Not at all.

Personally speaking, I'd not move in with him on the grounds he expects. There's absolutely no advantage to you to move. You won't be saving money, you'll lose your house (being 'absorbed) into purchasing a house in a place you don't want to live. Your savings will be gone in 'improvements' to this house in a place you don't want to live, your monthly expenses will rise to pay for this house in a place you don't want to live. Your son will (I assume) be uprooted from his friends and school to a place where quite possibly he doesn't want to live.

In essence, if this 'goes south' you'll find yourself homeless without your lovely home to move back to, isolated out in the country away from friends, and quite possibly broke all your savings having been used to 'improve' a house that he will fight tooth and nail to keep.

Exactly where are the benefits or positives for you in all this? Is he giving you some kind of 'this is a deal breaker', either spoken or unspoken? Can't you just say (MN saying coming up) "No, that doesn't work for me"?

I guess it is all about options. He has many options to choose from, I am not so fortunate.

Ok then you definitely shouldn't consider moving to the country - you sound very passionate about it . That's your gut reaction right there.

You don't want to do it and you really shouldn't be doing it with a man who doesn't understand that because you earn 25% of his wage it would be farcical to expect you to pay 50% of everything.

I was the one who mentioned that moving away was a deal breaker.

I left that clear from the very beginning of the relationship. He said he had never expected I would be so rigid about it.

If we found a house that we both loved, in a place that we both loved, and we took into it in fairer terms, I would move, but as I mentioned, all the houses he has thought would do are not better than mine and will require a huge amount of investment to bring them to be something similar (if at all possible)

If you've been together for three years and both invested a lot into this then I'd think he'd love you enough to take care of you not putting your entire safe pot into his. I don't want you to feel bad and I also know not all men are like this but mine didn't want me to spend a penny, although I did but it was the thought that counted. He told me it's all about percentages too, that if I am learning less, I should be putting in less.

I am a city girl too and have experienced moving to the countryside. It wasn't good. You need to make the life you love for your son.

OP
You are describing your set up and location as a life you enjoy.

There's a minuscule number of situations in which to give that up would make sense and this isn't one of them.

Would he not agree to consult a financial planner/mediator with you?

It is just the different views on finances/houses that are causing the problem

The thing is that these issues are huge in a relationship. They tell you who's holding the power, who's in control, who wants to win at all costs, whose opinion doesn't matter. How a couple deal with their finances tells you so much about their relationship: whether they're seen as equal, for one. And the issue of where you should live - this is at the root of your life together and you don't agree. Maybe you're not as similar as you thought.

"Attila, if I was taken aback, it is because in the 3 years we have been together, I had not seen that aspect of his personality".

He has behaved himself up till now; you have now seen a side of him that you need to take heed of, he hid that before now. That is who he is. I do not think you know him as well as you think you do.