Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

I don't doubt the money. it is absolutely possible, especially when you work for companies with good pension schemes, have got some inheritance and you have been in the housing market/doing wise investments for 4 decades.

He is very austere (point of this thread), his only luxury is the car thing. As for the holidays. I know families who do exotic holidays even with a smaller combined income. My ex and I did, all the time.

How he does know so much about my income? I really do think it extremely selfish to be cryptic about income in a relationship. Especially when it comes to pooling resources and you have been together for years. We didn't start dating yesterday.

I use the term BF because "partner" at my age and after years together, implies "live in partner" who he is not and which risks raising enough gossip to get me into a dispute with the ex over spousal maintenance (he will do everything to avoid paying it, but that's another story). I hate the term BF but if it keeps the things clear and keeps me out of trouble, so be it. Obviously, I could be calling him "my long term companion" but that makes me feel ancient (even if BF makes me feel stupid).

Spot on about sex. I loose my drive when I don't feel appreciated (or when I feel taken for a mug), like everyone else I suppose.

Anyhow, this is not working as it is and I'm not sure I want to fix it. I don't take important decisions when I'm angry so I will allow myself a couple of weeks to calm down before I take Take the next course of action.

Thank you all.

TheCatsMum

If only... If this ends, that's it for me. Considering my age, there are not many available respectable men out there (and the few out there are likely to be looking for younger models). I much rather be on my own than with someone even less compatible.

Ever since I first read this post, a few days ago, I have been worried about you.

I cannot imagine, why you would even consider giving up your lovely home, (the home that your son knows as home), to live with this mean old man.

He has £300k in the Bank, and he's letting you drive an old (and maybe dangerous) car. What does that alone tell you? It tells me that he doesn't really care for your welfare very much. And I bet anything, that if you shacked up with him, and then your relationship broke down, he would turf you out on to the street without a second thought. And most likely keep your money, and you won't have the means to fight him through the courts for it.

My ExH is loaded too. I am not. He tried to screw me over for every penny when I left him, and we'd been together 20 years, and I am the mother of his children. His personality CHANGED OVERNIGHT.

Remember, 50% of marriages fail.

And let me guess....after 3 years, I JUST KNOW that he hasn't put a ring on your finger?

You really need to open your eyes here. Do NOT risk your home and your sanity by moving in with this selfish man.

He may have some good points (don't we all?), however, risking your home and all you have for ANY man, is too risky.

I am now happily re-married. But my assets are protected. So if it all goes tits up, my home and my savings are still mine. That said, I earn more than DH and so I do contribute more and pay for holidays. But I haven't risked my whole life for him.

Come on, you are too long in the tooth for this (I mean that nicely, I am also 46!) You have to get a bit savvy here, for your own sake and your sons.

If you go ahead, it's a car crash waiting to happen.

Can you explain why you have to move in together? Couldn't keeping it as it is be an option?

Although after this and his ongoing 'austerity', maybe it's better finished.

Sorry to harp on the car stuff, but when my cooker broke, my bf freely offered to help me get another one. When I split up with my ex, my friend offered to help me out with a few hundred quid if I needed it. I didn't take either up in the end, but it felt good to know they would help me. I can't compute a bf who lets you drive around in a car with a broken door and offers no help whatever.

Kr1stina - I have no doubt, as the Op has already said, that his financial situation is right. He is 58, so likely to have bought property when young and very cheap, also sounds like he has had some inheritences, maybe also endowments (v popular 25-30yrs ago).

My DH and I are early 50s, and having bought property individually 30yrs ago, have had a decent disposable income since marrying 20 years ago, despite having 2 DC and associated childcare costs when they were younger.

We have a combined income less that Ops partner and his ex-DW, we are careful but not mean, buy newish cars for cash (but not Mercs and not every 18mths!), and have decent hols but have still accumulated substantial savings and investments, more that Ops partner. We are also of the age where parents are older, I recently lost my 2nd parent so had an Inheritence (but would much rather my parents were still alive). Also had 3 endowment policies payout, none of which were needed to clear a mortgage.

This is not a stealth brag, just pointing out the reality for some in their 50s, who bought property a long time ago and therefore had plenty of disposable income in 30s and 40s. It is not unreasonable that Ops partner could be in similar position to us. Given that my first house was 16K, Ops partner may have paid even less for his, as he is few years older!

Op - I hope you decide to do what is best for you and your DS. Your partner doesnt sound particularly nice when he is insisting everything is split 50:50 so tightly. We are careful with money but not mean - there is a massive difference!

That's interesting Kath. I'd not factored in the inheritances ( probably because I've never had nor will have one )

at house for 16£k

He sounds like a right meanie!

'I'm not sure I want to fix it. I don't take important decisions when I'm angry so I will allow myself a couple of weeks to calm down before I take Take the next course of action.'

I really hope you dump this tight-fisted twat. He's 'austere' except when it comes to himself. He's not worth losing a penny on. He's shown his true colours all along, he doesn't want a partner, he wants a flatmate/colleague.

As someone wrote earlier in the thread, in a few years, he wants to retire, kick back in the countryside guarding his hoard and polishing his latest car.

OP

Please do not say you are too old. You aren't and because I'm your age it makes me feel old too.

He is renting now, why is he suddenly so keen to live mortgage free with you?

Why must you sell your house and pool your resources with him into home ownership before you have tried to live together in a rented home? Does he KNOW your relationship will fail if you live together and that he think he can entrap you properly if you have sold up and have nowhere to go with your child?

I would be very suspicious of his intentions!

Do you know for a fact that he owns other properties and has the savings he says he does?

I am concerned that you will find the situation very different if you DO move in together. Maybe he really is stingy because he does not have so much cash either? Maybe he is fobbing you off as a gold digger to prevent you from calling him one? Maybe he really is just paying insane down payments on two cars he cant afford and need your home to secure more debt?

It is the only explanation why he is so happy to stick to your level of spending and only occasionally treat you to something expensive. I think he is a lier and a player!

Yep, all this talk about just giving up looking because there is no chance of ever finding a nice man aged around 45 is irritating enough for me, and I'm just 47, and currently have a boyfriend (whom I met at 45). What about all the 60- or 70-year-olds out there still hoping to find love again?
Having said that, if you do give up, all the more choice for the rest of us!

No advice, but when my father was in his seventies and eighties his love life was legendary and all with ladies his own age.

Imagine me being met by several of his ex girlfriends with their grandchildren in tow and wondering what on earth to say. He was respectful as well, nothing iffy, just the romance. I didn't ask about anything else.

OP, you haven't said whether you could continue 'just' being BF and GF long term. Why do you feel you have to progress to living together or split up when you could just carry on as you are?

A very very old post of mine from another forum.

Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thought my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

'OP, you haven't said whether you could continue 'just' being BF and GF long term. Why do you feel you have to progress to living together or split up when you could just carry on as you are?'

Because the scales have fallen from her eyes and she finally realises he's a fucking skinflint who can't even go out for a meal without first calculating the cost to himself and nickel and dimeing her to the last penny.

YY expat. Once the scales have fallen from your eyes you just cant carry on. Not without having any respect for yourself. Thats how i felt about it in my case.

And what if contraception fails and she accidentally falls pregnant.

He doesnt sound like the type who would pay Child Support and if he did he would begrudge every last penny and make you feel like a "gold digger"

Because fertility doesnt always fall off the edge of a cliff after 35.

Too many people believing this and taking it literally is why terminations are up in the 30s and 40s age group.

We're the opposite, I have the assets and my partner does not.

Our arrangement is
I own 1/3 of our property
I mortgage 1/3 of our property
He mortgages 1/3 of the property.

We both put 50% of our wages in a joint account. This is for all bills & savings.
The rest of the money is our own, holidays etc comes from our savings. I earn more than him so my chunk is bigger. But it's all in proportion and in my opionion fair. X

Oh OP, I am so sorry that this man has turned out the way he has, but at least you have the sense not to move to the country with him.

I love the country, but as I don't run a car, have opted for city living and when looking to buy a place when my dd was a teenager I particularly choose somewhere that is convenient for public transport, I would not take a teenager to live in the country unless they were very much into the idea.

I also think that if you love someone and you are in a position to, you would want to ease their problems rather than holding onto all your own treats.

But most of all, I don't think I could get over a man who had known me for three years and supposedly loved me calling me a gold digger.

You know, that gold-digger thing - I think others have said it, but just have to re-iterate - in all the time you've been with him (and 3 years is not 3 months) far from being a gold-digger, he has actually cost you money - he's been imperceptibly forcing you to live not quite beyond your means, but allocating your means to things you would rather not; and now, he wants you to give up the asset and security you have, to ensure his further comfort and security with no reciprocal arrangement for your's.

Projection is the right concept to be swirling round here - he is accusing you of the thing of which he himself is guilty - he is trying to get a bit of your assets at no cost to himself. It's not you that's the freeloader, it's him.

Your thread made me think about when I was in a relationship with someone, where I was the one with the well-paid job and the assets. I was so acutely conscious of not exploiting him and being unfair to him, that I overlooked the fact that he was in fact, a paid up member of the cocklodger brotherhood; I put up with it because I was so anxious not to be unfair to him, not to expect him to pay beyond his means. Where is this man's anxiety for your financial welfare and dignity and long-term security?

And also that thing about him not expecting you to be so "rigid" about a boundary you had unequivocally, honestly stated to be a dealbreaker: that tells me that he was just pretending to respect your boundaries until such a time as he felt he'd invested enough time and effort in the relationship (as had you) for the time to be ready to trample it down. I'm not suggesting that he's been plotting in some machiavellian way, just that he doesn't really take your bottom lines seriously, while expecting you to totally respect his.

I'm really glad that you posted because people post when they are uncertain, half in the hope of being told that they are worrying about nothing and of course it's OK to throw caution to the wind and gamble their future and half with the hope of having their misgivings properly vocalised so that they can have their reservations validated. I hope we've done the latter really thoroughly for you OP, so that you are able to withstand this terrible man's onslaught on your and your DS's security.

My son is incredibly mature for his age, he gets along very well with BF and likes him very much but, he us not stupid and can see that sometimes I despair about the situation. A couple of months ago he came to talk to me and told me I like him very much but you need to do what makes you happy, if you want to break up with him, don't worry about me

This tells me your son would rather you broke up. I guess you're not as happy as you think you are, and your son can see this. For a teen to come right out and say stuff like this means it must be pretty clear.

I have teens, and I'm 47. If either were to say anything like this about their dad, it would really make me sit up and pay attention.

Well, I have an update...

Is it a secret update?

Spit it out,,..