Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

"He thinks you are a gold digger and after him to buy you nice stuff. When you have lived within your budget and not asked him for anything"

That's my point exactly.

Any how people, thanks you for your words, they have given me a much wider perspective than I expected when I started this thread.

He currently has a place in the countryside that I hardly ever visit. For the same reasons I don't want to move to the countryside.

I am not going to do anything silly, I fought for this house for years (FMH) and have sacrificed a lot in earlier years in order to be able to keep it. I feel safe here. My years in the countryside were the most miserable years of my life. There's no way I will chance repeating the experience, especially with no emergency exit, much less so with a teen child. So, I will see how things pan out but I agree this is not sounding very promising.

Stop all this 50/50 bullshit when you cannot afford it. You know how you costed it out with regards to what he'd gain by moving in together and you found out how much he stood to gain and you to lose? Well, do another costing. Be honest. Sit down and calculate how much he costs you that you could be spending on yourself, your life and your child. I'll bet it's shocking. And again, I'm willing to wager that if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one with greater income, you wouldn't think twice about putting forth an extra few hundred pounds on holidays, etc. That says it all.

I'm foreign myself and even I wouldn't buy his bollocks about 50/50 is how it's done in the UK. C'mon! He's so full of it. FFS, I'm working poor and I don't even niggle like that with friends. Why? Because like most people I love and respect my friends.

Expat, I totally get your point and agree with you.

It is not the first Englishman that plays this 50/50 shit on me, that's why I wanted to double check how unreasonable the situation is. Glad to see I am not expecting too much.

I don't get why 50/50 is such a big deal to some people, unless they're mean, because tbh, I've been poor most of my adult like and still can't get over how much some people set store by making sure everything is 50/50 all the time or keep tabs to the penny. It's what you do with flatmates or colleagues.

Honestly, sit down and cost out just how much this is costing you and think long and hard about it all.

Manon

"You can, but a straight snob might have a better appreciation of Victorian architecture.

The general preoccupation with cars, cash, gold-diggers and the Mercedes comment... doesn't indicate a man of great taste."

Why are you confusing being a snob with having good taste? I don't think the two are particularly connected. I mean agree he doesn't have good taste... but he is also looking down on the OP's neighbours - and possibly the OP herself - because they have less money. That's snobbish IMO.

Sorry for the derail, I suppose this could turn into a long debate about money v class! Not helpful for the OP!

Why you are taking a tongue in cheek comment in po-faced earnestness is more to the point.

A proper snob is posh, and generally that means some appreciation of the finer things in life.

Looking down on people for not having money is not posh it's just arriviste.

"Po-faced"?! Well you're charming

No, a snob is simply someone who believes he/she holds higher status to some other people and judges them for it. You can be a snob and have no money, no job etc.

Social snobbery is about wanting or believing yourself to be a higher social status than other people, wanting to associate with people of a higher social status, and not wanting to associate with people you believe to be of lower social status.

Money has f all to do with social status.

Oh FFS. All I was trying to say is that he is clearly looking down on the OP's house, neighbourhood, neighbours, and possibly the OP herself. If "snob" was the wrong fucking word, shoot me.

I knew what you meant, my comments were never meant to be taken so seriously. I was just indulging in a bit of snobbery at this man's expense, as I've taken a violent dislike to him.

Have some

My years in the countryside were the most miserable years of my life. There's no way I will chance repeating the experience, especially with no emergency exit, much less so with a teen child.

These are very legitimate and fair reasons.

Don't lose sight of them in his manipulation.

Ok people, no need to fight about that. He doesn't like my area because it's somewhat noisy, houses are too close to each other and there is no place to park the car off street. The neighbours are adorable and considering this is one of the most expensive streets in the city, I don't think he looks down on them at all.

... Now the shady characters at some of the side streets, call me a snob, I find them terrible and sometimes intimidating but then, I am better used to them. Part and parcel of living close to a city centre.

... Thinking of that, I take that back, there are far more expensive streets in this city. But we have a nice mix of people. Some of them are very affluent some of them are just like me. It is far from being a bad place.

He sounds tight which is not a nice trait imo

I left that clear from the very beginning of the relationship. He said he had never expected I would be so rigid about it

You were upfront, he chose not to believe you. Not your problem. But it does speak to someone who thinks they don't have to listen to what people say and that he believes that he should get what he wants.

"I do not want to live in the country"
"Eh, whatever. She'll end up doing what I want in the end"

TBH I would not consider moving away at all with a teen.

His needs are for you to stay put, and if your bf can't get that then tough!

He sounds so tight, unbelievable tight. I am generous with people who have less than me - I have been there so long as no-one is taking the p*ss who cares amongst friends/family/lovers?

Why do you have to move in together? Can't you just continue as you are? Sounds OK right now to me.

I think there's too much stacked against you.
This guy IS selfish and self-centred.
Fwiw, I live very rurally with my DS, and although it is beautiful here, we are very isolated, and I sometimes wish we were in a nice community/town/estate where he could mix with other children instead of being on his lonesome a lot of the time. Basically wherever he goes (and it's always miles), I have to take him as the roads/lanes are lethal here.

Put your DS first and plan for him - and don't live rural with this man who doesn't give a shit your car is falling apart!

Just keep dating - I'd rather not live with a man ever again.

Hes tight and financially abusive.

Please dont do it.

Having read this thread and I am left wondering why he knows so much about your financials as you don't live together.

I also wonder why he has not just asked you to marry him after 3 years instead of all this carry on. OK you have not said if you want to marry him.
You call him your boyfriend and not your partner so what does that say to you.
You have to work 3 jobs to keep up with him.
Does that seem unfair?
And he makes more money why does he not just go out and surprised you with a trip and buy the food and entertainment on a night out. All this 50 50 stuff is unromantic how do you feel good enough to enjoy being with him and I don't know if you are sharing a bed but his control of money would not make you excited to have sex with him. You are not a gold digger.
If anything by the sound of how you seem OP you should be treated like gold.
And looked after with grace and love.
Money means nothing unless you are happy.
I personally would end this and move on to find your own true golden man who wont be asking for half every time you’re out.
How unromantic to go out and know that whatever you eat or a trip you automatically have to share the cost equally.

He has no redeeming features to love.
What is there to love.

I have to say I'd feel very resentful if I was in this kind of relationship.

Someone like him will twist things round by saying he's the one thinking about the future and taking a further step of commitment through his proposed country house purchase.

Even if he proposed marriage (which he won't) it would be a very bad idea to accept it.

When in fact you loose out financially through support from your Ex and yout home, but he doesn't give a hoot about that.

I agree with everyone else who says don't move in with him or let him move into your house on the terms you propose . And DONT SELL YOUR HOUSE

I'd also like to know how he and his ex have managed to do the following on a combined income of £120k a year :

Own 3 properties outright - the marital home, a holiday house and a property that is rented out to bring in an income . I'm guessing these are all in an expensive part of the country

Buy a new expensive car every year every 12-18 months ( one so fancy it can't be parked in the street )

Have a very large pension pot

Put one child through university ( I assume that why he's still supporting an adult child )

Have exotic holidays

Enjoy " the finer things in life "

I'm struggling to see how that can be done on that kind of money . So I reckon he's lying about either his income or his ex wife's . One of both or them earns a lot more .

This is apart from the fact that your lifestyles are incompatible . And your teenage son will hate living in the county and moving schools / friends . And you will lose your maintenance .

It's just a long list of reasons why this won't work , isn't it ?

I had a friend who had a 50/50 relationship like this, he drove a Mercedes , she drove an old banger. He did recognise she couldn't do the 50/50 thing for the big house they lived in so in the spirit of romance a water tight legal agreement was drawn up apportioning percentages owned of the house, she still had to pay equal amounts for home improvements, holidays etc. Obviously his hobbies were expensive golf etc, she had none as she was skint.

Fast forward a few years and she has DC, no mortgage and a nice car. She is also happily married to someone else!