Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Fgs don't share ownership of your house 30% or 50%. That's just as bad as selling up and going in with him on a house you can't afford.

He thinks redecorating your house to make him feel at home would be using him for his money? Wtf?

Don't do any of this. Keep your financial independence. For your son if not for yourself.

He is telling you that it must be his way or no way.

Everything he wants.

All your risk.

The only compromise he will make still leaves you paying through the nose for your share with your car which could die any day.

What will you do it if does and all your money is so tied up you cannot repair or replace it?

That isn't a relationship.

Do not move in with this man, if you do you will truly be the architect of your own demise as well as your son's. This has DFS (Disaster from the start) written all over it.

Re your relationship with this man, what do you get out of this relationship with him?. I cannot help but think this individual you are now with just wants someone to look after him. It makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up as well, your relationship bar needs to be further raised because its still too low. Particularly when you write this man is sensible (acting in his own sole interest more like) and has a tender heart (no he does not because he would treat you with far more respect otherwise). In respect of your son this man is not going to be a good stepfather figure to your child either also because of the ways in which he treats you.

Do not move in with this man, why on earth would you leave your comfortable home, which you have financed and created yourself for you and your DC, to move in with this rich twat who doesn't even treat you when you go out for a meal despite the huge disparity in income. .

What exactly are his good points?

Presumably he wants your capital investment, someone to do his housework and provide sex - what are you getting out of this? How will your teenager feel if you moved in with him?.

Carry on 'dating' this man (I wouldn't) if you really want to, but do not commit to live with him, read this thread !!!!

If you move in together, and carry out any of his financial arrangements it looks precarious for you.

If your relationship ends, he won't lose out financially.

If your relationship ends, you look to lose everything financially.

I wouldn't do it at this stage.

We are discussing here the financial complications of living together so this is his good points as a partner have not come into the equation, there are a lot of things I find very endearing of him. Obviously, the 50/50 situation is putting me off big time. There were a few months over last year when my salary went down significativel and during that time, he hold my hand, said I didn't have anything to worry about, but that was it, he paid a bit more towards activities together but that was about it. I felt some way supported but not protected and made me realise that we were not at all a team as I thought.

The moving together issue has brought that to the fore again.

I love him, but the fact that he cannot see that we are not in the same footing is grinding me down. I work very hard, at this time I have 3 jobs and work Monday to Saturday, if I was in his situation and he was in mine, I would be stepping in to ease things for him.

I mentioned that I found it interesting that he is thinking again of changing his car, while I was driving an old car whose driver door doesn't open and is full of scratches ,and he told me I could have it fixed. I said to him that was not the point and he said " are you asking me to buy you a Mercedes xxx? Is that what you want???"

Of course I don't want a Mercedes, I just him to understand the disparity of the situation.

And that's before we go into the holidays issue... Holidays are very important to him, and I am fully aware that he is no longer going to exotic destinations as we have been choosing deals that allow me to pay 50% towards them, but although we split the cost of the three of us 50/50, I much rather use that money to improve my house, buy things I need or be more relaxed about finances.

Don't do it.

I would tell him that you've thought about it but from your point of view, his plan involves dramatically lowering yours and your ds's standard of living, removes your security, to live in a location where you won't be happy and there is no "up side" other than seeing him every day rather than your current arrangement, which actually suits you fine.

Keep things as they are until your ds leaves home. You are stay put or at best would rent out your home while you rent somewhere together, but that's as good as it gets.

And although you are telling me he wants all in his own terms, he says exactly the same of me.

I think that I have been too accommodating to the fact that he and his ex, having very similar incomes and assets, had a 50/50 split when it comes to money. That's what he has used to for most of his life.Not to say that I'm proud to the level of stupidity.

Cross posted above with your latest update OP.

Couple of things chimed with me. My partner would not have moved into my house for similar reasons to yours (except the sunbathing bit!), as well as other practical reasons to do with his business. However, this made him very mindful of the upheaval it was for me to move into his - he was very thoughtful about bringing my furniture and involving me in decorating decisions so that I would feel at home here.

Without asking for financial commitment from me, he has made it my home as well as his. No pressure, no stress. He acknowledges that he enjoys some of the changes I have made and I have felt completely free to make them.

It has sometimes been difficult to adjust to living with someone (after 5 years as a single mother), in a different part of the country, in "his" house. This has really made me appreciate the nature of our partnership.

As othe posters have said, I'm not hearing much of a partnership in your relationship.

So he no longer goes on exotic holidays so that you can afford to pay half?

Of course I don't want a Mercedes, I just him to understand the disparity of the situation.

He does understand but he does not care about any disparity with regards to you though. He would never have suggested such a scheme otherwise; he is acting purely and simply in his own self interest. He wants this equity of yours.

I can all too easily see you becoming isolated in a big house with a big garden (these require lots of maintenance as well as time) and your son hating him not to mention wondering why you as his mother put this man before him.

This relationship is all about him and what he wants what mine is mine and what yours is mine too

What about what you want OP?

You have three jobs and yet he still expects a 50:50 split...

He would rather forfeit his preferred holiday type than pay for you.

He would see you struggle but say comforting words.

He is happy to advise you about your old banger's need for repair, but not help out a little, despite the disparity in your income?

He is miserly as fuck.

Wow. Bonkers. Generally speaking I think the fairest way to split things financially is as a proportion of one's earnings eg both put 60% of your earnings into a mortgage/bills/home improvement/savings pot. Though since we were married our money is 100% shared.
Also, you also have a teenager to think about and your dp absolutely should take that into account eg by lessening your contribution to the joint expenses.
Do not move in with him on this basis, you know that it would be a stupid move. He sounds horrid tbh.

He really doesn't sound a very kind person. I can understand anyone being cautious about sharing financial comittments when they have been through one divorce and have children.

However, the point about being so strict about 'going dutch' or not paying a bit more so that you can both have a 'nicer' holiday does make him sound mean and thoughtless. The fact that you do three jobs just to make ends meet when he drives round in a swanky car would put me off someone. It sounds as though you live in a lovely place with all the conveniences on your door step, I live in a rural area and although the scenery might be beautiful I would change all that to go to a nice coffee shop occasionally . And he is clearly not on your wave length if he thinks it is 'normal' to have an account with a taxi firm for ferrying teenagers around.

I would think carefully about why it is so important to you both that you move in together ......... what exactly is the reason you want to live together? Why not just carry on 'dating'?

And what does your teenage DS say about living with this man and moving to the countryside?

I have just re-read your opening post and seen your comments about racism; sadly in rural, isolated areas there can be a lot of racist & unpleasant attitudes so this is something to think really carefully about.

"We are discussing here the financial complications of living together so this is his good points as a partner have not come into the equation, there are a lot of things I find very endearing of him".

His "good points" as a partner need to come into the equation. What do you find endearing about this person?. A strange choice word to use as well. How does your son get along with this man?

I'm afraid I wouldn't touch this arrangement with the proverbial.

He sounds like a lot of men, particularly ones who have been married before. They think that all women are essentially money-grabbing bitches and the only financial arrangement they will countenance is 50/50 because of their chronic fear that a woman might get their hands on some of their precious. They see 50/50 as 'equality' because obviously, if you wanted to, you could earn as much as him and because you don't, you must be a lazy sponger.

At various times, DH and I have earned disparate amounts and we have always always re-arranged our finances to make sure that one isn't worse off all the time. That is what couples do if they love each other.

The holiday thing rings a massive Bell with me.

I am happy to slum around in cheap B&Bs. DP loves all inclusive 5* hotels. He is happy to pay for him, me and my DS to all go to one.

He just paid pretty much half my yearly mortgage for our summer holiday. Happily and without a care. I do try and pay him back some of what it cost for my stroppy teen but he isn't fussed as he wanted the holiday.

He also paid towards my new car in January so I could reserve some savings and I paid him back over the next 3 months.

It isn't that I want or need his money he just cares enough to help make it easy because he can and he loves me.

Name, with every single post you make, he sounds worse.

People who control things like this love to turn it onto you. That's manipulation.

What's your inheritance for your son if you sell this place? Because he has 2 other places for his son.

I'll be very blunt here. Selling your house would be a really stupid thing to do.

Don't start splitting the equity either.

Why would you loose the money from your Ex and loose your home too?

The risk is so much higher for you.
He's not compensating you for the financial loss.

I've been in the country on holiday and people look at our family like we're aliens. Clearly only used to seeing white people. They've come up to my DCs, touching their hair, fascinated about it.

I see no benefit for you in his proposals at all.

If you move in together, I'm sure you'll start doing the majority of the housework as well.

Your man is mean. Plain and simple. I actually see no point in being with a man with so much money, where you'd be in the same position dating a man who earns £30K.

Part of showing love, is generosity. He just wants company in his country home at the expense of you and your son's happiness.

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE WHATEVER ELSE YOU DO

OMG OP this man sounds absolutely awful. Why the fuck is he so tight? In this situation he should be helping you out and WANTING to help you out.

What a mean old fart.

don't sell your house!!! Absolutely no way!!!

In fact, I'd leave. If he wants a partner who earns the same as him, I think that's fine and I wouldn't judge him for that. But he cannot ask what he is asking from you. He sounds like an arse in other ways. And you clearly don't want the same things from your future anyway e.g. you don't want the sort of home and lifestyle he wants.

Does your son like him ?

Dh earns 60k, I've never earned more than 18k.

When we met he owned a flat. I already had children and lived in a rented flat. After a year together he bought a house for us all to live in. We subsequently got married and had ds2, and then we got a joint mortgage for a large detached house which we now live in. This is despite the fact that nearly £200k of the equity is 'his'. I was the main driver on the type of house and location.

I no longer work due to ill health and he supports us entirely.

I couldn't be with someone who was mean. If the tables were turned I would have done exactly the same for Dh.

Why not carry on how you are and just date him as you are doing - you can still enjoy his company but none of the crappy bits.