Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

You mention losing spousal maintenance. If you and he live together for (say) a year and then split up because he is a right dick will you have lost your spousal maintenance for good?

Wow,
He sounds a mean nasty piece of work.
I don't think he loves you, how can he call you a gold digger.
And you say he's got 300 thousand in savings and your driving a 12 year old car. ??
Your NO Gold Digger, but he's a idiot.
Move on from this man.

Please listen to the pretty much unanimous responses here NameChange23

He will protect and expand "his stuff" at the expense of yours. Don't surrender your independence and everything you value for your safety, sanctuary and DS. You'll get ripped off at some point and have no fallback plan or home.

In view of this you could either just keep things as they are - who says there has to be a linear progression from as you are to being a couple in a bonded set up anyway? I think you should think laterally with you and DS at the centre of your universe and him as an optional/desirable extra.

The sacrifices would be all yours. That's not a good move in my opinion. If it works as is atm why change it, given the enormous risk you're already aware of?

afterthought: he is thinking about his own progression (with you) in financial terms. You should too - not as a gold digger but as someone who needs, absolutely needs, her back-up plan for herself and DS. Never ever give "everything" you have to someone else when they are offering nothing more than a flick of a financial eyebrow. Many very very wealthy people, sadly, just have no clue about Reality.

This thread brings back memories of a guy I went out with many years ago.
He took me out for dinner for my birthday, we had been together 6 months and the bill came and he was £20 short and asked me in front of the waiter (who knew it was my birthday ) for 20 quid.
I was mortified and let's just say that was the END.
Sorry to go on but I just thought I would share this story.

Sorry op

It sounds like to me he's coming up for retirement soon and is thinking about who's gonna care for him in his old age, looks like tag your it. He sounds full of himself and you shackling yourself to him financially is a ludicrous idea, I doubt your ds would thank you for it.

Your house and your life sound lovely - perfect for you and your son. Why would you change it for a man who is absolutely certain that he will change none of his own wishes and desires.

Take a look at the thread "what would you have told yourself 10 years ago" on chat. Then project forward 10 years and think about you writing

"I so wish I hadn't sold my lovely home. It is worth so much now and I could still be living there. My relationship broke up because he was so mean and uncommitted and although I got the money back out of the new house, I could never buy in the same area again. My son also had huge problems because we moved when we did and to be honest I think he resents me making him move from his home for a man who wasn't even very nice"

yeah id steer well clear of moving in with this man. You are still in the early stages of your relationship and already he seems to be acting with a clear lack of good will and quite an amount of mistrust. Its up to him what he does with his money of course but really i would be careful, it doesnt sound like hes a sympathetic soul. Usually when people dont trust you it makes them untrustworthy themselves. And you would need to trust someone to do the right thing by you even if it were against their personal best interests, if you are to put everything you own partially in his name. If even at this early stage he is showing you that he will only protect himself and not take your circumstances into much consideration, then i would not put all your eggs in this basket!!! xxx

Thank you all. I initiated this thread with the idea of showing it to him. But I think he will dismiss it anyway.

He is not a bad person, he is very sensible and has a tender heart but he seems to think that 50/50 is the only reasonable way forward and that's the way things work in England (I know this is not necessarily the case) but I know that even if he is "downgrading" his lifestyle to meet me in the middle, I still struggle to meet him at that point.

He is accusing me of being too rigid and has told me in a couple of occasions that he thinks I don't love him enough. I do love him but I am not used to this 50/50 shit. Everytime I have been in a relationship, we cover for each other, have mutual funds, and if me or the other is earning more we just adjust our standard of living to the size of the mutual pot of money.

He has offered to meet me midway and get a house in the outskirts of the city, but it is exactly the same standard of living if we are in the outskirts or 10 miles away: I would need to use the car for everything and when you are far, you don't go out so often, you just come back tired from work and the traffic, have dinner and slumber in front of the TV. I am currently in walking distance of a lot of cultural attractions, museums, wonderful coffee shops and beautiful parks. My job is only is 5 minute walk away. Why would I change this for a big garden, having to use the car for everything and loose this fantastic access to such amount of events?

I had done it before and I hated the experience. Before I didn't have kids, I don't want DS to be isolated. My boyfriend says that his kid was ok, but they had an arrangement with a taxi company for school pick ups and other stuff. which obviously I don't want and can't afford.

With regards to the question on whether I would loose the spousal maintenance forever if we live together, the answer is yes. Given the salary of my BF it would go down to 50p a year. I can apply to court to have the amount increased if we end it, but I wouldn't be able to as I don't have enough funds to go through a legal battle to have it reinstated, so can't afford that either.

I think a lot of men get mean second time around after marriage. I would have sold my house and put it into my DPs house, but thank god I didn't. He was so generous to his EX that I thought he would be to me, but he's been very mean.

We've since had a child, and yet he still won't put me on the joint deeds to the house we live in, and constantly refers to the fact that 'why should I gain more because he earns a lot'. Because I am looking after our child!!!

So now I am definitely going to use my house and it's assets just for me and my kids only. Probably leaving DP too.

The only other option would be if your DP were to offer marriage. But even then, as he doesn't like sharing his 'wages', he really is being mean. You are partners, if he wants to share his life and has chosen you, who have less money. You just can't share a life together with him demanding things all on his terms.

Look, it's one thing if someone is just generally 'careful' and as mean with themselves as others. That isn't always easy, but it is understandable.

He wants this all his own way and he wants to push all the risk of the changes onto you. Even those that will cause you irrevocable loss in income and location/position. Never mind possibly putting your child in a socially/psychologically/physically damaging place.

That is not loving behaviour. Run. Or rather, don't move an inch, stay exactly where you are!

His £60k is a good salary, but not stellar. If he has managed to accrue two mortgage free properties and £60k worth of savings I'd say he is very, VERY, astute with money/mean bugger. From what you've said, he gets to upgrade and live in a mortgage free home half funded by you, in an area where you don't want to live, and let you take on a level of personal risk that makes you much more vulnerable financially than him should the relationship break down. You get to live with him and that's it. Get him to sell his properties and chuck in his savings - that's what he's asking you to do, so he should do the same.

It sounds like a business transaction for him. He will have yet another property in his portfolio with very little risk to himself.

As for the living in the country, I completely agree with you. It was my exh's dream to live rurally. Ten years on, he left, I am in the family home with young dc, no pavement, no street lights, we have to get in the car to do anything, no shops, no park, taxis cost a fortune, it won't sell and I am here as they enter their teen years, probably still ferrying them around everywhere.

Don't do it!

Wow, just wow. He sounds like a piece of work. Why would you even consider throwing in your lot with someone like this?

I would encourage you to look at what you are getting out of this relationship, why you are in a relationship with someone who, as you describe it, has no redeeming features.

I wouldn't do it if I was you. If he really wanted to make this work he would. I think he's scarred by his previous relationship but, there's no need to take it out on you

Don't move in with him for all of the reasons people have put forward.

Must admit if I was him I wouldn't be marrying again and risking asset splitting with such a disparity as to who put in what in case of divorce. I suppose many posters will think that is a harsh thing to write.

Just because people don't earn a huge amount and have done well doesn't automatically make them tight. They could just have had some lucky investments. That's how I made my money.

Something that I suggested was that he could come and live with us, but he finds my house simply not good enough, his car is not safe parked on the street (there are people parking Porsches and other expensive cars on the street but he wouldn't have any of it), there is no place to take the sun (he loves to sunbathe for some reason), most of my neighbours are very well off but we have some seedy characters in the streets around and a student residence nearby so, it is sometimes a bit noisy when they pass by, so he doesn't like it here.

In the heat of the discussion he asked me what did I want to do. I said that I would like him to come and live with us, that I liked my house as it is but we could redecorate it or improve it more to his taste so he wouldn't feel as a visitor. And that was when the remark of being with him for his money came in: he said "so I come here, sort your house while you keep the ownership and I get nothing out of it? It sounds like you are with me for my money"

I said that if he wanted to live mortgage free he could pay the reminder of the mortgage (30% of the value) if it was so important for him to be in the dress but he insisted that was not enough, I said we could go 50/50, that he could pay the difference between mortgage and 50% of the price to me so I could have some spare money to provide some financial security and some spare cash to deal with DS future expenses) which brought us back to the "then, why couldn't you do the same to go to a house I like" so we went to square one.

I realise, after this thread, that offering so much of my house in exchange of not moving conveys a very similar level of risk.

This is not looking good at all...

Not dress, deeds.

Go on, OP, tell us just something about him, that makes it more understandable, why you are so keen to make it work. He seems pretty selfish and horrible, but you are persevering, regardless.

Maybe he can't quite believe either that you would really choose to be interested in someone like him.

He's the gold digger OP. He's trying to get his hands on half the equity in your house.
This in spades.

Don't do it op; you'd be putting yours and your son's futures at huge risk.

Nope I wouldn't move and after what you last wrote I wouldn't be asking him to move in either.

OP don't do this! He seems to want to insure you are dependent on him by insisting on arrangements that will damage your financial security. That seems very controlling and a massive red flag!

DH and I have a similar division in salary and we never split 50/50!

I have a similar arrangement to Cabrinha. I have been with my partner 8 years, living together for 3.

We are both in our 50s with children from previous relationships, no dependent children at home. I live in his house and rent mine out - there were practical reasons why we chose his house instead of mine. He is the higher earner, but I also earn well. I pay all utility bills and buy all groceries as my contribution. He pays mortgage, council tax and for any home improvements.

The long term plan is to move from here into a house we choose together, but he will buy alone. I already have my house and I will keep it as an appreciating asset that I will eventually leave to my children and in the meantime generates a good income.

If we split up I have my house to return to and he will have "our" new one. If we don't and he dies first I can either live in "our" house until my own death or go back to mine. We have no plans to marry.