Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Everything you have said indicates that if you followed his plan it will make you unhappy and end badly. Dont throw away what you and your son have for this man. He sounds very selfish.

He is, without question, being unreasonable. Beyond unreasonable into selfish and nasty. I think you need to take a long, hard look as to WHY you love him? Do you love HIM or just gang someone? Is he simply 'better' than your ex? Better is not always good enough!

That all aside, even if you were being unreasonable (which you aren't) so what? This arrangement isn't what you want, so don't do it.

You'd be really, really, stupid to move in with him in any situation, but if you agreed to this you'd truly screw your life up.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, just don't move in together.

Don't be persuaded that love and living together will outweigh the considerable disadvantages to you and your ds of living in the country. You know what suits you, that really wouldn't.

As for you taking all this financial risk and him sitting pretty - you know that's wrong too.

You don't want the same things.

I would be concerned that he wants you isolated and dependent. Maybe not consciously, but that's the situation he is trying to create.

Even if he's the loveliest guy, this arrangement would not be equitable and the house in the country is his dream, your nightmare.

'You'd be really, really, stupid to move in with him in any situation, but if you agreed to this you'd truly screw your life up.'

And your son's. Only he doesn't get a say.

YANBU HIBU

Don't sell your house and don't move to the countryside with him.

Your BF is pretty tight with money and you would make yourself vulnerable by selling your home.

I wouldn't live with someone so tight. If you stay with him, just visit the countryside some weekends or you'll regret it.

I tend to say my DH is tight, but he pays the mortgage, gas, electricity, council tax and home insurance.

He warns about £20k more than me o

But he insists on 50/50 for holidays

He sounds like a mean twat

Tbh you don't sound very compatible.

I'm guessing as he will retire in a few years he wants the whole house in the country polishing his car thing. Whilst you find all that boring as shit but will still be expected to carry on as you are work wise and paying out everything you have even though he is loaded.

Your priority is you and your DC. You would be insane to sell your home.

You don't want to live in a big house in the country. I get the impression that even if you won the lottery you still wouldn't want to. So, really, the money is irrelevant to the move. It just shows that he is putting his wants above yours, in every single part of this proposed move. Not a good sign.

You have to plan in advance what a later separation would look like - you just have to.
And you have - you'd be shafted. You'd have lost a home you love, and not be able to afford it again.
Madness to do this.

FWIW my fiancé and I have approx your 16/60 split - but I'm the higher earner. And he'll lose various payments when we move in together.

He is moving into my house. We both have houses - we don't need a "together house" - either of our houses will do but we have reasons to choose mine.

He will rent his out for about £700 profit a month. It will go into his retirement fund which is low. I'll pay everything in my house - he's not going to make a massive difference to CT and utilities, and I earn a lot more and I love him. He'll do "well" from living with me, but it won't cost me much.

If we split, he'll have built up a nice wedge (all power to him) and have his house sat waiting for him to go back to. For my part - if I do ever want to split, I'll be able to do so without worrying I'm obligated to him because I've fucked him up on house affordability. If we don't split, his enhanced retirement income will be a benefit to both of us.

50/50 would just be nonsense.

^ oh and we'll speak to a solicitor about protecting our houses for each other.

Keep your house and rent it out and then move in with him. Or alternatively dump him. Yr not a gold digger but if you love someone you want to make their lives easier! He should have bought you a car by now!

I've only read your first post but to be honest OP I wouldn't consider a future with this man. I have been with a mean and money orientated man in the past who would split things meticulously and quibble and it was miserable. I am now with the kindest most generous man who puts my happiness above any monetary decision- we earn similar amounts he earns slightly more than me but is very kind and generous and never makes me feel uncomfortable. He's just not obsessive over money like your partner sounds. With such disparity in your financial situations the only way I would expect things to go is he buys a home for you to both to live in (but keeps ownership although he could put it 50/50 in your name) and you split bills and he pays for everything else or you both love into one of the houses he owns. You need to keep your asset and independence. He's mean and you can't continue in a relationship with Ho. No wonder he has so much money if he never parts with any of it.

LTB

Dump him. He's got a bad attitude towards you and you can do so much better than this. If he hasn't got a generous nature, he will get fed up of your son living there, too.

Keep the tax credits and child support and stay living in your own house. Look for someone your own age, too. He'll be retiring soon and you'll have to go out to work every day - that won't be pleasant (given his attitude.)

He's the gold digger OP. He's trying to get his hands on half the equity in your house.

It's a neat trick, but you're too intelligent to fall for it right?

If he wants to buy a house in the country, he can sell one of his houses or use his copious savings.

In your position, I would be rethinking the whole relationship.

Not only is this man selfish and grasping, he is devious and manipulative too. Big red flag.

Or rather his half of the equity in your house.

Dump him. He's got a bad attitude towards you and you can do so much better than this.

That's what I would do.

Didn't read further than this: he has come with the idea that I should sell my house

NO NO NO! Never sell your house!! It is the roof over your head, your financial security, your child's home, etc.

If it all goes tits up you are up shit's creek without a paddle.

Why oh why are women so quick to give up their financial independence for some fairy tale... which may work out, but who has the guarantees?

I'm a LP. No way is some romeo going to persuade me to give up my independence financially. I owe that much to myself and my child.

^^ from me too

LTB

I am on holiday with my partner and my 2 teenager kids. He pays at least half if all expenses.

I would not ever be with someone mean.
Do you really still love him after learnibg how he calls you a gold digger?

Oh, and as a mum of a biracial child, the worst for me and him is to be stuck in some snotty racist ukip village in the middle of nowhere without public transport.

Grim, grim, grim. And will do nothing for either of you in the long run.

Particularly as he's digging for gold himself.

He's just using you OP, to help him add a further house to his property empire, at your expense, to which he will then be entitled to half.

There's a certain type of man who tries to get his hands in his partner's money while calling them a gold digger and they're always arseholes.

Your house sounds lovely. Your life sounds lovely.

You've done all of this yourself.

Why give all that up to gain nothing as you won't be marrying? In fact you will lose if you break up.

Parsimoniousness and an ungenerous spirit is crappy to live with.

He's literally offering you nothing

Also I think you shouldn't live with someone or marry them unless you think they'd be decent if you split up. He sounds as though he'd be a real bastard.

He sound very not nice

You are not unreasonable. But you are unreasonable to stay with him.

If you are kind and generous at heart that spills over into all aspects of your life. Someone who owns two properties with no mortgage wouldn't be penny pinching wth you in the way he is. He would see you as a true team and not want you to risk all in the way he suggests.

It's very not nice. Not nice at all. Not loving. Not kind. Not worth bothering with.