Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

[NameChange23]

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

• We have been together for 3 years
• We both had been married before
• We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
• I am 46, he is 58
• I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
• I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
• I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
• I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
• we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
• if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger.

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

he thinks I don't love him enough

This shows you that he has a financial reckoning to Love. Your proof of love for him will be to give him everything. He is blind to his own version of 50/50 because his plan is so clearly NOT that. He is the rigid one. He might as well wail "you don't love me enough" because everything in his world is about how much. He equates love with ownership at this level. How many other levels does this operate on in his worldview? You wouldn't find out until much later when the troubles would have started. This would be a back-to-the-wall situation with you and DS trapped with no way out. And he'd still own the bloody wall.

You can't change how he thinks and feels. Money is the centre of his world, it is how he is hardwired. Don't show him this thread. PLEASE don't sell your lovely house and give him half. Even if you rent it out your other losses plus the damage he did to you in anger if it all went bad would still spell disaster.

You're probably sick of hearing it by now, but let that be an indication of how much we strangers on the internet feel the need to protect you from a very agile financier.

Whatever he says, his actions don't seem very loving. Partners who truly love each other want to take care of each other, including financially. I'm really saddened by the idea that you're working so hard and your car is falling apart and that he isn't moved to help you. It's not a case of a Mercedes convertible, but some help with a much more modest runaround! I've never been a high earner but have helped out my XH (when we were together) with money from savings to help him get a better car; it's just what you do if you care about somebody. The same with working several jobs; I'd really hope a partner who loved me and was in a position to help out a little bit would do so!

What strikes me is that he is so unwilling to do even small things to help.

It's also not just about money -- he isn't considering your needs and wants equally when it comes to the type of house and area that he wants.

What he's suggesting doesn't seem right at all. It also doesn't seem safe for your financial future and security. Why don't you try renting together first, and keeping your home? Or he could buy on his own (since ultimately it sounds like it's all about what he wants) and you could live there and see how it goes.

I'm listening to you all, but also getting ready to go to work. So apologies for not answering to each of you as I should. I'm taking your comments to heart.

My son is incredibly mature for his age, he gets along very well with BF and likes him very much but, he us not stupid and can see that sometimes I despair about the situation. A couple of months ago he came to talk to me and told me I like him very much but you need to do what makes you happy, if you want to break up with him, don't worry about me".

I have not told him about the house move as I don't want to stress him out until we are clear about what comes next, but I have tried to find out his opinions about other areas. He said he would definitively won't like to live so far. I'm not ignoring that, especially at this time he will be progressively looking for more independence.

And yes to the aliens comment, that's how I felt. We were pretty well off but there were people being suspicious about us, thinking we were stealing their taxes and dealing with us in a very patronising way.

People who have not been on the receiving end of racism can't understand that what they see as perfectly lovely people can be such bigots when it comes to foreigners.

You sound like a lovely mum and partner; you deserve a lot better.

I'm not saying that he doesn't have his good points as you can obviously see them, but being a real/supportive partner is obviously not a strong point of his. I'm sure it's not just about you either.

He has got his eye on the equity in your property. You need to be exceptionally careful here & you should NOT be offering him any share of your house at all. He has 2 houses already. Protect your finances for your son's sake. I actually think you are being played here.

There you go then, your son does sound mature, he can see that you are not happy and wants you to be. I think he's advising you what to do here.

I have a friend in your situation. She had a modest income with 2 dds to support and no help from ex. She was amazing at budgeting and contented with her lot. She met a new partner who was very comfortable. Her whole lifestyle has changed. He brings her and her dds on exotic holidays as that what he likes to do. She has now moved into his lovely house renting her own, continues of course with her own job but the pressure is off her there. He has helped her dds with college stuff. He bias completely taken them all on board as a family and seems to enjoy just making their lives easier. She feels so protected and a big burden has lifted off her. They are very happy and there is a lovely buzz off their family life. She has brought him a lot of joy and he is not thinking loss but gain. Your guy says horrible things to you. Stay where you are. If he really wants you to bring something new and exciting to his life let him lay down some of his.

You are both financially incompatible so could keep dating or find somebody that matches more.

From his point of view, 50/50 is fair so that you both put in the same and leave with the same. Expecting more makes him likely feel you are after him for what he can give you financially. From your point of view, you believe he should share it all out of love.

Twist it around. Let's say you had a daughter in his circumstances and her boyfriend wanted to move in and not pay 50/50 in this dating relationship and expected her to finance him. Would you think she should?

Marriage is very different but whilst dating both parties should equally contribute, no risk and both get to walk away with what they came with without feeling taken advantage of.

"are you asking me to buy you a mercedes?"

That made my blood boil! He absolutely sees you as a gold-digger. He also sees you as a suitable "mark" as they say. That will never change. He projects himself onto you. We can all see that. You feel it too. When future problems arise they will be all your fault too. For not loving him enough to do x y or z. It's nothing short of blackmail at best, the stirrings of financial abuse at worst.

Don't bother asking him the question but, "are you seriously asking me to add to your portfolio by giving you everything my son and I have?" might be a worthy response. I'll shut up now, I'm just fuming is all!

Op, would a move to the countryside mean your ds has to change school? If so that is something to consider as well (im sure you've thought of it, don't mean to sound patronising!). Plus it may be much harder for your ds to get part time work, socialise etc, without good public transport.

Is your ds thinking of university? If so you may want to factor in the effect that moving in with dp would have on ds' entitlement to student loans.

But i will very slightly go against the grain and say if i were dp i wouldn't have understood the comment about the mercedes. You say you mentioned the disparity - i might also have wondered what you meant, and whether you thought i should help you with the cost of a new car? And, just to be scrupulously fair to your dp, if you go 50/50 on holidays for you, your dp and ds, dp is paying something towards that.

i think once you have dc it can be very very difficult to merge finances - it can be much simpler to keep it all separate. And when you have very different tastes (the holiday thing), even more so!

It's an odd thing of your ds to say "A couple of months ago he came to talk to me and told me I like him very much but you need to do what makes you happy, if you want to break up with him, don't worry about me".

I think he's right tho. Seems you are not happy and haven't been for a while. So why are you considering moving in together? It will not solve whatever other issues you have.

And it's not even letting you drive round in an old banger and saying you could get that repaired, when he could buy you a runabout - it's letting you drive around in an old banger and not getting it repaired for you, or offering to help financially or practically with its repair. I have friends who would do more for me.

Do not sell your house OP. Please please please do not.

This man is happy to gain from you so long as it never costs him a penny (which he could afford), while you give everything. He just sees you as chasing those pennies.

This relationship seems to be costing you a lot of money, your being able to keep up your share of the split means your car goes unfixed, and maintenance of your house.

You can't really afford to be with him can you ? 60k salary isn't all that, I'de love to know where or how he got 300k savings from, and I'de like to see proof as well. It's all coming across like he's doing you a massive favour being with you.

I don't usually post on these threads. But

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE.

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds.

He is not a loving or kind man.

I do wonder about your standards tbh.

OP, your son sounds great. Why would you give him this not very kind man as a role model ?

He sounds awful. Sorry but he sounds Iike a spoilt child who can't cope if he doesn't get his own way. He sounds as if he lacks real empathy, may be fun to be with but the mask can slip if everything isn't going his way.

Don't give up your house, it sounds like a perfect one to retire to, which a house in the country may not be.

OP he sounds like he's draining you financially -

Start a list of your priorities - home improvements, car etc and save your money for those - keep saying you can't afford a night out - tell him to bring a bottle and you'll cook - only go to free things.

He needs to see your standard of living warts and all without you stretching to meet his nice restaurants.

When your go out - you drive - in your car.

Tell him it's because you want to drive tonight.

I think your home is your security and only real finically investment, why would you trade it for a home in an area which will be harder to sell and not gain as much value especially when he isn't offering any compensation.

Offer again to rent (not in the countryside) and then draw a line under it. It is not unreasonable to carry on as you are.

I have not told him about the house move as I don't want to stress him out until we are clear about what comes next

I suspect you're reluctant to tell your DS because you've got a good idea what kind of response you'll get from him.

You would be utterly mad to go along with any of your BF's suggestions. His goal is to find someone to underwrite a comfortable retirement with everything just so and a housekeeper with benefits.

Oh OP please don't even think about selling your home. In your shoes I would be thinking long and hard about the future of your relationship. YY to the comment about reading the thread on chat about advice you'd give yourself if you could go back 10 years.

You said he has a tender heart - but you're working three jobs, raising your son, running a home, and attempting to live to his means rather than yours. He doesn't sound tender hearted and sounds, as PP have said, mean.

I have a feeling that if you ended your relationship with him, it would be painful in the short term, but within 6 months you will be much happier.

I agree with Cody that you should prioritise home improvements and car repairs over holidays and meals out with this awful man.

I think some people are being a bit harsh saying LTB. I think if you are happy as you are now then just leave things as they are. It sounds like you'd be bloody miserable if you moved in together. If it ain't broke done fix it.
There is no reason you cannot have a successful long-term loving relationship living apart, especially if there are no plans to have children together. Enjoy life

No reason except that it's no fun having a relationship with a tight bastard who insists on 50-50 despite having nearly 3 times her income and 50 times her savings!