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Original poster

SIL boozing whilst babysitting [angry]

89 replies

joanjude · 29/01/2007 12:43

First time post - but so angry need another point of view! SIL babysat on Saturday only second time ever - she is single no kids - DS now 9 months old. We were staying at MILs who is disabled. She arrived by taxi stating that she didn't like driving at night which was kind of unusual but took her at face value.

Came back slightly earlier than anticipated so I could drive them home and found SIL drinking her usual red wine (nothing under 13% proof will do!). My face dropped but I kept my cool - DH was upset and disappointed but neither of us said anything at the time - no point when both DH and SIL been drinking. I drove SIL home and made small talk en route - she had clearly been drinking but she made no reference.

The first time she babysat we asked her not to drink whcih she agreed to but made some sarcastic comment. In the morning DH made comment to MIL who defended SIL saying it was only 1 glass (which I would hotly dispute) and then turned on the tears which made DH back down.

So there it is left - DH will do anything to avoid challenging MIL and SIL who are both very emotionally manipulative of him. I feel outraged - OK DS is fine but that isn't the point - I'm not drinking so why would I think it was ok to leave him with someone who was.

I'd be happy never to leave DS with them again but this means that DH doesn't get to see his friends in hometown. I'm afraid this can't be left and DH can't stick his head in the sand but how far do I go in forcing the issue with him!

I have in law issues - in the sense that they have absolutley no regard for me - I could be invisible - but they outwardly appear to dote on DS.

Nightmare help!!

OP posts:

FatFikAndFugly · 29/01/2007 12:46

Sorry to sound insensitive and I might have missed something but I really don't see the problem.. what's wrong with her having a drink?

beckybrastraps · 29/01/2007 12:46

I leave a bottle of wine for my babysitters .

Soapbox · 29/01/2007 12:47

I'm a bit bemused by this.

What is wrong with having a drink when babysitting, as long as you are not driving home and not drunk?

DH and I share a bottle of wine in teh evening when the children are in bed - are you seriously suggesting that one parent should always be completely sober?

FatFikAndFugly · 29/01/2007 12:47

Me too backy

nailpolish · 29/01/2007 12:47

when my neighbour babysits i leave her nibbles and a bottle of wine, which she drinks, i guess about 3 glasses

WigWamBam · 29/01/2007 12:48

I leave a bottle of wine for my babysitters too ... and am quite happy for dh to have a drink while he's got sole care of dd if I go out on my own.

I suspect this is actually about deeper issues than a glass of red wine.

tissy · 29/01/2007 12:48

If she was clearly drunk and incapable then you have a problem. If she'd just had a glass or two, then you don't. I've certainly had a couple of glasses of wine while I was at home alone with my dd.

ProfYaffle · 29/01/2007 12:48

I leave wine as well.

pooka · 29/01/2007 12:48

Was she drunk, or had she just had a glass or two of wine?
In this case I would only be concerned if it was likely that in an emergency she'd have to drive. Since she arrived in a cab, I'd assume that wouldn't be the case. Also would be concerned if she was blind drunk or drunk enough to be completely unable to deal with an emergency,.
Otherwise I'm afraid I can't really see the problem. After all, when dh and I are at home we sometimes have wine in the evening, and the children are asleep upstairs.

PeckaRolloverAgain · 29/01/2007 12:49

Does that mean I shouldnt have a drink at night when kids are tucked up in bed??

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!

choosyfloosy · 29/01/2007 12:49

I would agree that she should keep to what you ask while babysitting for you. I have to say that when babysitting for local circle it is very common to offer glass of wine, but clearly she was drinking more than that.

I think that since you don't trust her, you will never be happy leaving her to look after your children, and that's fine. Could you find/set up a babysitting circle of people you do trust? Can give more info if of interest. It's free.

CountessDracula · 29/01/2007 12:49

I always leave wine for babysitters too

Having a couple of glasses doesn't make them incapable

pooka · 29/01/2007 12:50

Everyone else much quicker than me
I also leave a bottle for my brother and SIL (also childless) when they babysit.

nailpolish · 29/01/2007 12:50

come to think of it, dh and i sometimes have a bottle or so of wine at night, at weekends, and the children are upstairs, whats the difference?

scatterbrain · 29/01/2007 12:50

I also leave wine for babysitters (they ae all neighbours so no driving!) and I always have at least one glass when I am babysitting !!

Obviously different if you are saying SIL was pissed and thus incapable of responding to your child - but it doesn't sound that way !

Are other issues - ie in-law problems clouding your view on this maybe ??

zippitippitoes · 29/01/2007 12:53

I've taken a bottle of wine with me when babysitting for dgs...so I think it's ok

Soapbox · 29/01/2007 12:54

I would also never have the nerve to tell a relative who was babysitting for me, whether they could or could not drink

In fact, I cannot even begin to imagine how I would start such a conversation!

'Oh you know you kindly offered to babysit for us tonight, well we don't want you to drink at all while you're doing it'

Anchovy · 29/01/2007 12:54

OK - deep breath because you are not going to like this - but I do think you may be over reacting. I think the key question is how much she was drinking - one glass to half a bottle is completely ok in my book. This is on the basis that I would (and do!) have as much as this when at home on my own with the DCs. At that level I can here what is going on over the monitor, deal with changing nappies and soothing fractious babies. Even if I technically could not drive (say if I had drunk half a bottle of wine) I could easily and lucidly call a cab or an ambulance if some emergency arose. And without wanting to be flippant, it is pretty rare for an emergency to arise out of a clear blue sky when a baby has been put down to sleep. I agree it would be different if the baby was cold-y or teething or whatever but to be honest I don't think it is realistic to live your life on the basis that you may need to rush an otherwise healthy baby off to hospital at any time.

I thinkt he other issue is whether you were paying her or not. If a "hired" babysitter came round, I would probably not expect them to drink - and certainly not more than an odd glass (slightly irrelevant as mine tends to be the girl next door who is 16). But it it was my mother or my MIL, I certainly wouldn't tell them not to drink anything. A glass of wine and a nice snack is the "payment" they get for letting me escape out

Marina · 29/01/2007 12:54

I would not be bothered by one glass of wine. I would be very bothered by a whole bottle.
I am a bit confused here. Where was ds - at your house, or being babysat at MILs by SIL while you went out?
I don't drink when babysitting, personally. Or when alone in the house with the dcs if dh is out. Come to think of it, I also don't leave alcoholic drink to be drunk for babysitters - I provide soft drinks and something nice to take home with them. But I do understand that this is because I am a big worrywart on this topic .

fortyplus · 29/01/2007 12:54

I think it would depend on several factors...
She should never drink more than about 3 glasses as she would probably be too drunk to cope in an emergency.
But whether she drank at all would be subject to how far away you were. If you couldn't get back in 10 mins or so then she shouldn't drink at all and should bring her car if possible.
But if she could call your mobile to get you home in an emergency then I wouldn't have a problem with a few glasses of wine.
You've said she dotes on your ds - so you have 2 choices...
Trust her judgement or find another babysitter who your ds may not feel happy with.
You cannot afford to make an issue of it to their faces - you will just cause a lot of family upset.
It would be unfair of you to impose conditions on someone babysitting out of love for your family. If you are paying an outsider that would be an entirely different matter.

Anchovy · 29/01/2007 12:55

Ah, I see everyone else has the same idea!

DetentionGrrrl · 29/01/2007 12:57

i don't think it's unreasonable to ask a babysitter to not drink when they are looking after your child, regardless of whether they are a relation or not.

TinyGang · 29/01/2007 12:57

I think it's ok too.

I leave wine out for my babysitters too - usually my mum or mil -and dh and I drink in the evening too sometimes. (I'm partial to a strong red as well)

zippitippitoes · 29/01/2007 12:57

I've definitely been at occasions when all parties have had more than three glasses of wine and children have been in the house..if you analyse it I suppose it sounds reprehensible but i thought it was quite normal for this to happen from time to time

fortyplus · 29/01/2007 12:59

Ooh, yes! I took a phone call between starting to type and posting, but looks as though there's a lot of agreement here.
What do you think, joanjude? None of us know you - we're just giving objective opinion based on the facts you've provided.

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