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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SIL boozing whilst babysitting [angry]

89 replies

joanjude · 29/01/2007 12:43

First time post - but so angry need another point of view! SIL babysat on Saturday only second time ever - she is single no kids - DS now 9 months old. We were staying at MILs who is disabled. She arrived by taxi stating that she didn't like driving at night which was kind of unusual but took her at face value.

Came back slightly earlier than anticipated so I could drive them home and found SIL drinking her usual red wine (nothing under 13% proof will do!). My face dropped but I kept my cool - DH was upset and disappointed but neither of us said anything at the time - no point when both DH and SIL been drinking. I drove SIL home and made small talk en route - she had clearly been drinking but she made no reference.

The first time she babysat we asked her not to drink whcih she agreed to but made some sarcastic comment. In the morning DH made comment to MIL who defended SIL saying it was only 1 glass (which I would hotly dispute) and then turned on the tears which made DH back down.

So there it is left - DH will do anything to avoid challenging MIL and SIL who are both very emotionally manipulative of him. I feel outraged - OK DS is fine but that isn't the point - I'm not drinking so why would I think it was ok to leave him with someone who was.

I'd be happy never to leave DS with them again but this means that DH doesn't get to see his friends in hometown. I'm afraid this can't be left and DH can't stick his head in the sand but how far do I go in forcing the issue with him!

I have in law issues - in the sense that they have absolutley no regard for me - I could be invisible - but they outwardly appear to dote on DS.

Nightmare help!!

OP posts:
scatterbrain · 29/01/2007 15:27

Oh you're back - could have mentioned she was serious binge drinker at beginning !

In that case I would never have asked her to babysit in first place - clearly unreliable !

NotQuiteCockney · 29/01/2007 15:28

Was she staggering on Saturday?

I'd avoid using her as a babysitter, tbh. It's hard to tell family how they should do things, ime. You either have to take their help "as is" or not.

BlueDaisy · 29/01/2007 15:36

Well thats cleared about 78 questions up!! Agree that I wouldn't be happy about a heavy drinker babysitting and as it is your child you should say something. Or rather your dh should. Is he scared of them or not too concerned re sisters drinking?

FioFio · 29/01/2007 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

joanjude · 29/01/2007 15:52

She had nearly finished the bottle of wine we were only out 21/2 hours!

Peoples responses have made me realise it can't be tackled from a general drinking whilst babysitting perspective. It is about my issues with her, her drinking and the problems it causes.

But I'm inclined to think this will never be mentioned and the in laws will collude with her - she'll carry on causing upset and we'll pretend nothing ever happened!

I think deep down I was hoping for an in road to tackle her or force DH to do it as a means of redress for all the previous personal upset I've endured and been emotionally gagged by DH!

Isn't it funny how things always run deeper!

OP posts:
BlueDaisy · 29/01/2007 16:02

But at the end of the day if you aren't comfortable leaving your LO with her, then its not worth it. Perhaps you should put yoyr DH in a situation where he has to say something, otherwise he is disregarding your feelings in a way.

Overrun · 29/01/2007 16:07

Funnily enought I posted months ago about being upset about my Mum drinking while babysitting my three.
Can't seem to search for old threads other wise I would link it for you.
I to would offer wine to a babysitter, esp a friend. and also dh and I will drink in moderation when we are at home with the kids upstairs.
As in your case, it is usually more complicated than just being anti drinking. Im my case, she drinks too much, and was clearly slurred when we arrived home. As she drinks pretty much every night at home, I really felt that she didn't need to bring a bottle of wine with her Needless to say I hadn't offered her anything to drink.
So can understand how annoyed you feel, particularly with regards to not thinking that you can raise it.
I have not felt is possible to raise this occasion with my Mum, as sometimes you just know not to go there

NotQuiteCockney · 29/01/2007 16:15

Families often just don't mention drinking problems. I don't know why.

It's difficult to expect your DH to confront his sister about this, tbh. I bet he was raised with quite a bit of drinking in the family, and nobody ever said anything about it.

scatterbrain · 29/01/2007 17:10

Just find another babysitter - and leave her to it ! It's not your position to force the issue if dh won't tbh.

Your job is msake sure your ds is OK and he MAY not be if left with a binge drinker. You asked her not to drink once, the second time she ignored that request - QED - she cannot be trusted to not drink - therefore she can no longer babysit for ds. End of !

batters · 30/01/2007 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aloha · 30/01/2007 09:32

I do not think it is your place to 'force the issue'. If you don't want her to babysit, fair enough, your decision. But it is not your place to demand your SIL changes her behaviour to suit you, even if you honestly think it would be for her own good. You will only cause upset and division. You have to live and let live.

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 10:27

Aloha - you're dead right. Trying to dictate in this way - however sincere the motives - will be seen as control-freak behaviour.
It'll all end in tears.

zippitippitoes · 30/01/2007 10:31

I think having a baby changes you too..

it's a different perspective from someone who is not yet holding family responsibility or has gone past it!

people without children are always more casual..maybe annoyingly so

Socci · 30/01/2007 10:36

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