Is it actually unrealistic to expect a relationship to last 50 years?

[sealmane]

I was discussing this with a friend the other day.

I believe it was Christianity (and I am a Christian) that brought the idea of one man one wife, which supposedly benefited women. Before that it was entirely possible to have more than one wife in many cultures as I understand it, and this remains to this day. One advantage of men being able to have more than one wife, from my limited knowledge, is that the first wife remains the senior wife and benefits from that status (rather than being left high and dry so to speak here).

OTOH there are long and happy marriages that do last many many years, even people's whole lives. I don't know many myself it must be said, but I know they exist.

What do others think on this? Is it realistic to get married at 20 and expect to stay so? Marriage forever for two people is promoted, but from this board and our own lives the results are often not that at all. Though of course this board is not a fair sample as people who post are a self-selective group of people often struggling in relationships ...

But isnt the maturing and developing likely to be in similar direction for a couple given that they are sharing space (physical and emotional) together?

The couples I have seen struggle most have been the ones where they have spent a lot of time apart. This doesnt mean to say that spending time apart always means that a couple will struggle just that it creates situations where a couple may find their experiences and therefore personal development diverge.

I don't think I could have married someone young and stayed married. I met DH 12 years before we got together and although we were reasonably friendly, there was no hint of romance. We came very late to our (very happy) marriage. It depends on all sorts of things, upbringing, character, expectations, maturity, role models. It's lovely when it happens but it's not always realistic.

I generally think people marry far too young and wish there was some tidy solution to having children at a reasonable age with a partner you may not always be with.

I'd love my marriage to last 50 years. I was 34 when I married and Dh was 39. We both knew ourselves and what we wanted from life.

In a marriage the growing and changing should be happening together.
Do I think my parents are the same people they were 40 years ago or that my grandparents are the same as they were when they met 82 years ago at the age of 14? No, or course not! But they have made changes and compromises with and for each other.
Some of it comes down to how important it is to you to sustain the relationship. I am aware this is not a popular view on this forum but I personally feel it is sometimes far to easy to give up and walk away when things aren't going well. Obviously this does not include relationships where there is any form of abuse. I occaisionally read things along the lines of " we've had a bad few months" and think, months!! That's nothing in the scope of a 40 yr relationship. My parents have had a crap couple of years for all sorts of reasons but neither one of them would consider bailing out because they are comitted to each other.
There are, of course all sorts of extreme scenarios that would challenge what I'm saying but overall I think our modern day expectations of what a perfect relationship should look like are a bit skewed. It doesn't mean you spend every day blissfully happy. That's not real life.

Not unrealistic, but a marriage lasting 50 years may become less common as most people who marry are a lot older than say 50 years ago.

I would sincerely hope that if I had a miserable couple of years I would bail out.

But I rather agree with the every few decades (maximum) approach. And don't particularly want my partner to be my best friend in any case.

Yeah all the language of "bailing out" and "giving up" -- that's all language that assumes that the marriage itself is somehow valuable beyond the happiness of the individuals in the marriage. When it's really not. A marriage is two individuals. If one of those individuals is unhappy, whether for months or years or decades, when you think about it logically there really is zero reason to "stick with it" and "make it work".

I mean... why exactly? Why not just try something different? Why is it a good idea to compromise and change oneself, just to make the concept of "a marriage" "work"? I can't think of a reason unless it's that someone in the marriage feels they'll be made homeless or be abused unless they "make it work".

I speak as someone who worked for 10 years to compromise and change myself only to realise that the far kinder option would be to let my ex go off and find someone he liked better, someone who didn't have to try so hard.

Again, not saying that other relationships can't be long and happy. I just think there's a lot of nonsensical cultural shit that women get taught about "working on the marriage" when really, that's stuff that only applies if you've managed to make yourself dependent on a man and now have to please him if you know what side your bread is buttered.

There are some sad stories of people's parents having to put up with each other even though they are unhappy. I find that so sad.

My parents have been together over fifty years and they adore each other.

My Grandparents were together over 60 years when one of them died. They were like teenagers - holding hands and kissing behind doors. The survivor was heartbroken.

My DH and I are in our 40s and have been together since our early teens. People regularly comment on how happy we seem - and they are right, we are.

None of these marriages as been without some ups and downs one way or another.

I don't think it's about aiming for a long marriage though. I think it's about being happy spending your life with your best friend.

And yes, I think there needs to be some (perhaps lots of) luck in there along with hard work and a good sense of humour.

I don't think it's impossible. But it won't be the same relationship you started with. You won't be the same people you were originally either. Life goes through stages - so do relationships. Just don't expect any relationship to be your major focus- it's a big part of your life but not your whole life.

I think how realistic it is for the marriage to last that long depends on the individual couple.

I also think length of marriage speaks nothing to quality of relationship, which again depends on the individual couple with some being blissfully happy and others entirely miserable.

One thing I do know is that all evidence still points to marriage as an institution being on average bad for women's health and happiness and good for men's....

Oh and I think also it is important to separate the concept of marriage (contract to share property/responsibility) and the relationship. It is entirely possible to be married and not in a relationship anymore. I am still legally married, separated for coming up to 3 years and may remain so until it becomes better to get divorced. This may be when my youngest DC turn 18 potentially as until remaining married may have more advantages in terms of caring for DC than divorcing.

Would there be any value in saying our marriage was of a long duration and therefore 'successful' if the reality was that of our 19 year marriage we were separated for 13 years?

Well expressed, stamp.