Is it actually unrealistic to expect a relationship to last 50 years?

[sealmane]

I was discussing this with a friend the other day.

I believe it was Christianity (and I am a Christian) that brought the idea of one man one wife, which supposedly benefited women. Before that it was entirely possible to have more than one wife in many cultures as I understand it, and this remains to this day. One advantage of men being able to have more than one wife, from my limited knowledge, is that the first wife remains the senior wife and benefits from that status (rather than being left high and dry so to speak here).

OTOH there are long and happy marriages that do last many many years, even people's whole lives. I don't know many myself it must be said, but I know they exist.

What do others think on this? Is it realistic to get married at 20 and expect to stay so? Marriage forever for two people is promoted, but from this board and our own lives the results are often not that at all. Though of course this board is not a fair sample as people who post are a self-selective group of people often struggling in relationships ...

[ravenmum]

Well expressed, stamp.

[Offred]

Oh and I think also it is important to separate the concept of marriage (contract to share property/responsibility) and the relationship. It is entirely possible to be married and not in a relationship anymore. I am still legally married, separated for coming up to 3 years and may remain so until it becomes better to get divorced. This may be when my youngest DC turn 18 potentially as until remaining married may have more advantages in terms of caring for DC than divorcing.

Would there be any value in saying our marriage was of a long duration and therefore 'successful' if the reality was that of our 19 year marriage we were separated for 13 years?

[Offred]

I think how realistic it is for the marriage to last that long depends on the individual couple.

I also think length of marriage speaks nothing to quality of relationship, which again depends on the individual couple with some being blissfully happy and others entirely miserable.

One thing I do know is that all evidence still points to marriage as an institution being on average bad for women's health and happiness and good for men's....

[IrianOfW]

I don't think it's impossible. But it won't be the same relationship you started with. You won't be the same people you were originally either. Life goes through stages - so do relationships. Just don't expect any relationship to be your major focus- it's a big part of your life but not your whole life.

[Quietwhenreading]

There are some sad stories of people's parents having to put up with each other even though they are unhappy. I find that so sad.

My parents have been together over fifty years and they adore each other.

My Grandparents were together over 60 years when one of them died. They were like teenagers - holding hands and kissing behind doors. The survivor was heartbroken.

My DH and I are in our 40s and have been together since our early teens. People regularly comment on how happy we seem - and they are right, we are.

None of these marriages as been without some ups and downs one way or another.

I don't think it's about aiming for a long marriage though. I think it's about being happy spending your life with your best friend.

And yes, I think there needs to be some (perhaps lots of) luck in there along with hard work and a good sense of humour.

[thestamp]

Yeah all the language of "bailing out" and "giving up" -- that's all language that assumes that the marriage itself is somehow valuable beyond the happiness of the individuals in the marriage. When it's really not. A marriage is two individuals. If one of those individuals is unhappy, whether for months or years or decades, when you think about it logically there really is zero reason to "stick with it" and "make it work".

I mean... why exactly? Why not just try something different? Why is it a good idea to compromise and change oneself, just to make the concept of "a marriage" "work"? I can't think of a reason unless it's that someone in the marriage feels they'll be made homeless or be abused unless they "make it work".

I speak as someone who worked for 10 years to compromise and change myself only to realise that the far kinder option would be to let my ex go off and find someone he liked better, someone who didn't have to try so hard.

Again, not saying that other relationships can't be long and happy. I just think there's a lot of nonsensical cultural shit that women get taught about "working on the marriage" when really, that's stuff that only applies if you've managed to make yourself dependent on a man and now have to please him if you know what side your bread is buttered.

[motherinferior]

I would sincerely hope that if I had a miserable couple of years I would bail out.

But I rather agree with the every few decades (maximum) approach. And don't particularly want my partner to be my best friend in any case.

[ForalltheSaints]

Not unrealistic, but a marriage lasting 50 years may become less common as most people who marry are a lot older than say 50 years ago.

[Smartiepants79]

In a marriage the growing and changing should be happening together.
Do I think my parents are the same people they were 40 years ago or that my grandparents are the same as they were when they met 82 years ago at the age of 14? No, or course not! But they have made changes and compromises with and for each other.
Some of it comes down to how important it is to you to sustain the relationship. I am aware this is not a popular view on this forum but I personally feel it is sometimes far to easy to give up and walk away when things aren't going well. Obviously this does not include relationships where there is any form of abuse. I occaisionally read things along the lines of " we've had a bad few months" and think, months!! That's nothing in the scope of a 40 yr relationship. My parents have had a crap couple of years for all sorts of reasons but neither one of them would consider bailing out because they are comitted to each other.
There are, of course all sorts of extreme scenarios that would challenge what I'm saying but overall I think our modern day expectations of what a perfect relationship should look like are a bit skewed. It doesn't mean you spend every day blissfully happy. That's not real life.

[museumum]

I'd love my marriage to last 50 years. I was 34 when I married and Dh was 39. We both knew ourselves and what we wanted from life.

[MeganBacon]

I don't think I could have married someone young and stayed married. I met DH 12 years before we got together and although we were reasonably friendly, there was no hint of romance. We came very late to our (very happy) marriage. It depends on all sorts of things, upbringing, character, expectations, maturity, role models. It's lovely when it happens but it's not always realistic.
I generally think people marry far too young and wish there was some tidy solution to having children at a reasonable age with a partner you may not always be with.

[GnomeDePlume]

But isnt the maturing and developing likely to be in similar direction for a couple given that they are sharing space (physical and emotional) together?

The couples I have seen struggle most have been the ones where they have spent a lot of time apart. This doesnt mean to say that spending time apart always means that a couple will struggle just that it creates situations where a couple may find their experiences and therefore personal development diverge.

[OurBlanche]

I think we work because we have both wanted similar changes. Quitting work and going to university in our 30s, for example. We grew in similar ways

As for the romantic side... well, we waxed and waned I suppose. The nigh on frantic sex of our 20s matured and changed but hasn't disappeared.

[Lottapianos]

I do think there's something in what stamp is saying. Marriage, along with motherhood, is still treated as a woman's greatest achievement. There is still huge pressure to make a marriage work - to stay together 'no matter what', to avoid the 'failure' of a marriage break up, as we have discussed on this thread. For a lot of people, so long as everything looks ok, then it is ok, no matter how rotten it may feel on the inside. I think that being in an unhappy relationship is more common than we realise

However, I certainly don't think that means that every long marriage is a fake, or that its inevitable that you will end up feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. I've been with my DP for 11 years and I have no intention of 'moving on' to a new partner at any point! That may be the right thing for some, but its certainly not for everyone

[thestamp]

Hey, 31 years is a few decades - so maybe at 40 years that would be the healthy time to move on! Or maybe not. (I'm being facetious of course.) There are always exceptions.

Honestly though I don't begrudge anyone a long relationship. I just don't think that the average relationship is happy or healthy at the 50 year mark. I think a more sensible lifespan expectation is 10-20 years. Not because people are horrible and discard each other - you can still be very close with someone without being romantic with them anymore - just that people grow and change so much in 10 years. Logically it's unlikely that compatibility would be constant for multiple decades. Possible, but unlikely.

[OurBlanche]

stamp can you see how I may read that? That I am only happy because culture has told me I should be... that without 'my man' I would have no value... that, because of this, I must have internalised some bad shit and chosen to put up with it so as not to be a failure?

In reality DH and I have both been through some crap, supported each other, both taken years out for education, supported each other through periods of unemployment, shouted at and with each other and, after 31 years, both feel that our lives would be less for the lack of the other.

If that is the 'guff' you referred to then ravens theory is proven in both directions

I do think that it's healthier and better for women to move on to a new partner every few decades. just floored me!

[thestamp]

I think it's unrealistic.

I think most marriages that last several decades aren't particularly happy. There are exceptions obviously but I don't know many.

Marriage generally benefits men and women are under huge pressure to make the marriage work no matter what. And women are strong... so they tend to meet the pressure, swallow their needs and somehow manage to hold the marriage together through bad times. When they could have just divorced and found a new relationship and probably been much happier. It's sad really.

I love men and love being loved. But I do think that it's healthier and better for women to move on to a new partner every few decades.

However I get a lot of guff for this view. Again, since women in general are taught that their value is in being loved by one man for life, and if they don't have that then they should look for it. And if they don't want it, they're bitter, immoral, etc. It's just our culture to feel that way really

[Ginkypig]

Ravenmum, hopefully my post wasn't the type of post you meant

My view very much is if it's not working and esp in your circumstance (you weren't culpable it was him who cheated!) then the relationship is not worth fighting to keep!

If your both happy (generally) you both feel able to carry it on then great but why live in misery just because you made a commitment it's meant to be a partnership not a jail sentence!

I'm very very lucky to have found a partner I can make it work with! I was just as unlucky before when I was in a domestic violence situation, so yes I compl agree that sometimes it's not about working harder it's about luck to find someone you can work with!

[Lottapianos]

You're so right ravenmum- people don't think and they just talk a lot of crap often.

Also agree with the tiresome notion of failure v success in relationships. As I said upthread, my parents have been married for nearly 40 years, which some people would consider a huge 'success', but they have made each other so miserable and both feel trapped in the relationship. I think its the people who made the difficult decision to leave an unsatisfactory relationship who need celebrating, not the people who stuck their heads in the sand, making everyone else miserable around them

[ravenmum]

OurBlanche, I can see that in this discussion too, you're right. I have to admit that now I look at some of the long-term marriages I'd always assumed were happy, and wonder if they are as great as they appear. My experience has made me question things and I'm more cynical. Mustn't let it turn me into a doom merchant

Lottapianos, they just don't think - I've heard this during conversations about marriage in general rather than about my marriage. Maybe they regretted saying it as it came out of their mouths, or maybe they just didn't even notice it might apply to me.

But yes, this whole idea of failure is tiring. One moment you have a "successful" relationship that has lasted decades, the next moment the whole thing was apparently a failure and you should have tried harder.

[OurBlanche]

It's hard not to take comments by those promoting long relationships (not just here) without taking them personally I understand what you mean, and have not said any of that trite twaddle, mainly as it is just that, trite twaddle. Everyone has their own ideas on when something is not acceptable, does not work, should be left. There is no place, any more, for the idea that anyone needs to work at a marriage/relationship, to make it work, or they have failed.

But it does feel equally personal the other way too... absolute statements that it is impossible to have such a long relationship and be happy, suggestions that some of us pre Millenials may have had to just settle cos we know/knew no better etc... all make some of us who do have happy long term relationships feel a bit defensive too. As I said earlier, I almost feel like I should apologise for having made a good marriage, that, 30 years on, I am happy in my relationship!

I doubt there will be a consensus though, it is all so very personal and subjective.

[GnomeDePlume]

It is my silver wedding anniversary tomorrow so I have been thinking about what makes a happy marriage (we are happy). I have come to the conclusion that I dont know!

There are some obvious things: be kind to each other, dont shag about but then there are couples who can be vile to each other at times and shag about who still profess themselves to be happy.

There is an element of settling for each other but only in the sense of recognising that though the grass might look greener elsewhere it is probably only a trick of the light.

I am lucky, what I have is what Amazonmulu described a best friend, a partner in crime, someone who has your back and wants to travel down the path of life with you through the romantic and not so romantic bits.

Perhaps that is it, it is just luck, we love each other, we want to be kind to each other, we dont want to shag other people.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

My maternal grandparents were married for 70 years in May. Sadly my grandmother died recently. My grandfather broke down three times during the short cremation service. I'm 42 and single and my longest relationship was 10 years. I am very sad that I am unlikely to have even that again, let alone even spend half what my grandparents spent together with a partner.

[Hulababy]

Definitely achievable and not unrealistic within my family or Dh's. My parents have been married 44 years so far; Dh's parents a little longer. My grandparents have been married over 60. Many of my aunts/uncles have long lasting and successful marriages.

I'm 43y and been married 18 years though been together with dh for 26y. Among friends several remain happily married. We know a handful who have divorced but in our circle they are the minority.

I suspect the thing that may reduce people's chances of reaching 50y+ in the future is likely to be that people marry later and have longer relationships before marrying.

[Lottapianos]

Raven, that's just awful. I would think that someone like that is in a pretty shaky relationship themselves and are trying to make themselves feel better by being smug and convincing themselves that they are 'choosing' to work hard at it. Not a thought for your feelings