Is it actually unrealistic to expect a relationship to last 50 years?

[sealmane]

I was discussing this with a friend the other day.

I believe it was Christianity (and I am a Christian) that brought the idea of one man one wife, which supposedly benefited women. Before that it was entirely possible to have more than one wife in many cultures as I understand it, and this remains to this day. One advantage of men being able to have more than one wife, from my limited knowledge, is that the first wife remains the senior wife and benefits from that status (rather than being left high and dry so to speak here).

OTOH there are long and happy marriages that do last many many years, even people's whole lives. I don't know many myself it must be said, but I know they exist.

What do others think on this? Is it realistic to get married at 20 and expect to stay so? Marriage forever for two people is promoted, but from this board and our own lives the results are often not that at all. Though of course this board is not a fair sample as people who post are a self-selective group of people often struggling in relationships ...

[charliethebear]

OurBlanche whilst I want a long happy relationship, as I'm sure everyone else does too. What's not to want about that. I find it sad that so many of my friends main goal in life is marriage, thats their focus and they talk about it all the time. Its not something that they would like its their main aspiration, and that make me a bit sad.

[OurBlanche]

Ah! That makes perfect sense, charliethebear

And yes, that is sad. Such a lack of aspiration is always dispiriting.

[Joysmum]

Aspiration in what?

My aspiration is a happy relationship with DH, friends and family. Everything else is a bonus but not the priority.

[OurBlanche]

I think it's the only ness that charliethebear means. And that is sad... there should be more.

Great as relationships are could you imagine if DH, family and friends is all you have - no kids, no job, no cause, no volunteering, no thought of being able or willing to do anything else? To literally have nothing else to feel excited, motivated by.

[timelytess]

Depends when you start. The chap I have in mind is 61. Don't think we'd make it to 50 years even if we sealed the deal this month...

Yes, I do think its realistic to marry at 20 and have 50 or more years together. All it takes is two people of goodwill who want to be together and want to be happy.

[Fairylea]

If it's a happy and equal partnership that's great but I don't like the idea that a long marriage is something to aspire to just because it's a long marriage, if that makes sense.

In my circles the longest marriage was my gran who met and married her second husband at 40 and had 25 years together. (First marriage was abusive and she left after 4 years and was a single mum until her second husband many years later). My mum was married to my dad for 13 years. I've been married twice - I'm 35. I've been married to now dh for 5 years now, the happiest I've ever been.

I think marriage can be fantastic and I think having a loving and supporting partner is an amazing thing to find, but I do think sometimes people strive to keep a marriage going longer than they should do because of fear and stigma which is a shame. You only get one life.

[attsca]

I think that long marriages can be a trap, after 50 years together I'm sort of stuck now with the old codger he's suddenly turned into.

It's called the sunk cost fallacy apparently.

[HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall]

My grandparents were married for almost 70 years and very happy they were too.
Parents married for nearly 50 years.
Me and she 23 years so far.

I don't think it's unrealistic.

[Ginkypig]

Imo it's reali yes.

I may not count as I'm not married but

I met my dp at 18 (he's a bit older) we've been together for 14 years so far, unless somthing dramatic happens I see no reason why we wouldn't be together until one of us dies.
We are a strong equal partnership that is based on a mutual want to share our life and see each other happy in whatever our life choices are while at the same time accepting and supporting and making room for our (as we call it) oddnesses.
For me I feel it does take work sometimes and the occasional check to make sure we're not taking the other for granted.

The other aspect I think which helps us is we don't need each other but we have chosen each other so for example I know I'd be fine if he left me but that does not mean I would want him to and vies versa if that makes sense?

[Ginkypig]

We have been engaged for 10 1/2 years though

[Smartiepants79]

No members of my family have been divorced.
2 sets of grandparents married over 60 years both of them.
Parents and parents in law both married 40 yrs.
Various aunts and uncles all married 30/40 yrs.
Us married 8 so far!
All seemingly happy and supportive marriages. I have no reason at all to believe they were anything but.
It's certainly achieveable.

[Easystreet52]

I'm not sure it's what a lot of younger men aspire to nowadays.

I think in the grandparents era, people stayed together regardless. Divorce was a huge taboo and a lot of women were completely financially dependant on their husband. I also think if anything was uncovered in those days it was often a case of turn a blind eye. Now it's straight on Mumsnet and told to LTB even if his crime sometimes if just a period of lack of affection etc.

I think expectations are high now whereas in the past they maybe we're not as high.

Friendship and mutual respect go a long way to make a happy marriage though. You don't have to be shagging all the time to have a happy marriage. Shared interests, give and take, a strong family ethic witho often stable parents etc can make people happy together with kids and grandkids.

[SandyY2K]

I do wonder ifattscahas something... but am a little insulted at the possible insinuation that we all just 'settled' for lack of choice/excitement.

I agree with this. ^^^

The Internet and social media don't make for shorter marriages.

[sealmane]

The Old Testament was pre-Christian, Painted. I'm not making that personal claim but I read it somewhere and it may be true ....

[attsca]

I think that the internet does make for shorter marriages.

I think that extreme porn at the touch of a button is harmful to marriage. I think that young people are damaged by it and their expectations in relationships are damaged by it.

[NickiFury]

I think it is entirely unrealistic.

I have spoken about this on here before. I was visiting my parents a few months ago and my Mum told me that the wife in a long married couple has passed away. I asked how the husband was doing and she said "really well, he seems quite happy, keeping busy". Then we got onto the subject of my Uncle who had recently died and I asked how my aunt was. "Oh she is great, just bought herself a dining room suite, you know your Uncle would never let her have one before", then another couple where the wife was off to Canada to visit her daughter and grandchildren, she had never gone before because her husband didn't want to. We started talking about how well they were all doing and she said "to be honest, they seem happier than I have ever seen them". I have thought about it loads since. Almost as if these people start to live the lives they really want to be living once their significant other is no longer around anymore. It isn't just these three couples, it is something I have often observed over the years. Kind of punctures the idea that a lengthy marriage is such a huge achievement.

[sealmane]

by complete fluke I have just read in The Times today an article entitled "Myth of wedded bliss: singletons are happier, healthier and more sociable".

According to this article, previous studies on marriage do not show the full story because they only counted still-married people i.e. not divorced those for whom marriage proved ultimately unhappy. So singles and divorced were lumped in together. Its like doing a drugs trial and only including those who say the medicine worked and excluding those that said it didn't! Most of the article said that singletons were healthier, had more friends, more fulfilling jobs, etc.

Anyway I am finding all the posts and comments interesting.

[YetAnotherGuy]

We have just celebrated 40 years of married life and yes it is entirely possible and realistic to expect a long lasting marriage/relationship. We've never had a row either

Just a few observations

1 Most couples we know in this situation - the woman is the less easy-going of the pair. As Dustin Hoffman said - "a man should be scared shitless of his wife"

2 I think that many relationships founder because of too low expectations in the first place, rather than too high expectations later on. I suspect that many divorced people know deep down that it wasn't ever that great in the first place

3 An old lady once said to me (and I agree) - the man should be deeply attracted physically. Much more important than the woman

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

Maybe in your circles, OhNoNotMyBaby

That's a particularly snotty and judgemental comment gasp

You don't know anything about 'my circles'. I was offering a point of view. You are in no position to judge who I mix with or who my friends are.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

In that case I apologise, OhNoNotMyBaby, as I didn't intend to be snide. I just meant that what you said seemed a very sweeping remark and against my own experience and that of others on this thread, but it was poorly phrased.

[OurBlanche]

I think it is entirely unrealistic. I'll bear that in mind as we enter our 4th decade together, Nicki

[weekendninja]

I'm not sure that's it's completely unrealistic, but I do feel that it's quite rare for the younger generation.

Divorce no longer has the stigma that it has years ago, women have the ability to make their own money in ways that would have been extremely hard or impossible years ago. To add to that, the Internet has completely changed the way we communicate, making affairs easier and porn easier to access. We most don't have the religious ideals that were almost necessary to abide by now. It's perfectly acceptable to have a child out of wedlock and have sex before marriage.

I'm not sure that being in a lifelong marriage is what some women aspire to. Nowadays they have the option to live their lives how they want rather than how religion dictated to them years ago.

[motherinferior]

I think it's possible, but certainly not desirable for everyone. Variety is quite fun, really. And the option to grow and change and realise it's time to move on.

Lots of people of previous generations just felt a bit stuck with each other.

[NickiFury]

Read my post ourblanche it's no achievement if the one left behind feels they can only start doing the things they really want to after the passing of their significant other, that's more of an endurance test! That's the point I was making.

[WeAllHaveWings]

We have only one failed marriage in our family, dh's family also only has one failed marriage. In both cases there were pretty extreme circumstances why the marriages failed.

My dad was one of 9 children and all his siblings married young and are either still happy together or widowed. My mum is one of 7 children and all her siblings married young and are also still together or widowed. Most have passed their ruby weddings and around half of them have celebrated their golden weddings.

dh and I have been together for 24 years and happy, there have been a few years where I'm sure MN would have told me to LTB (and vice versa for him), but we worked through them.

For some marriage is as disposable as nappies, or the grass is greener elsewhere. I don't think anyone should ever stay in an unfaithful, abusive marriage or one that just doesn't work for them, but every marriage will go through patches and it's worth it when you come out the other end.