Is it actually unrealistic to expect a relationship to last 50 years?

[sealmane]

I was discussing this with a friend the other day.

I believe it was Christianity (and I am a Christian) that brought the idea of one man one wife, which supposedly benefited women. Before that it was entirely possible to have more than one wife in many cultures as I understand it, and this remains to this day. One advantage of men being able to have more than one wife, from my limited knowledge, is that the first wife remains the senior wife and benefits from that status (rather than being left high and dry so to speak here).

OTOH there are long and happy marriages that do last many many years, even people's whole lives. I don't know many myself it must be said, but I know they exist.

What do others think on this? Is it realistic to get married at 20 and expect to stay so? Marriage forever for two people is promoted, but from this board and our own lives the results are often not that at all. Though of course this board is not a fair sample as people who post are a self-selective group of people often struggling in relationships ...

[Jacobbay]

I've been married 30 years. Both my best friends have been married longer than me. All our siblings are still married to their first spouses. In laws have clocked up over 60 years.

None of the next generation are married yet, so hard to say if they will be similar.

[LarrytheCucumber]

We have been married 42 years, as have many of our friends. I must admit I sometimes look back to the starry eyed 21 year olds we all were and am amazed that we had so much confidence in committing to each other for life.

[Lottapianos]

My parents have been together for nearly 40 years. Isn't that lovely??! Eh no actually...... They hate and resent each others guts, he has cheated many times, they have had separate bedrooms for about a decade and they have been utterly foul to each other in so many ways. They are Irish Catholics and would never ever cope with the 'shame' of splitting up, and are probably extremely dependent on each other by now, so they stick it out. Its soul destroying to watch. So I don't agree that long marriages are necessarily something to celebrate, and are not always desirable.

On the other hand, I do know couples who seem genuinely happy. DP and I have only 11 years on the clock and we have had some deeply shitty times, and it has been no fairytale, but I am very happy in our relationship and would love to think that we will be together in 40 years time. So I don't think that 50 years is totally unrealistic, but I think 50 years in a genuinely happy relationship is pretty rare.

[JeffreySadsacIsUnwell]

I think 50 years of marriage is becoming less achievable, but only because so many couples meet and marry later - even with increasing life expectancy, if you don't marry until late thirties, your chances of celebrating the golden anniversary have to be compromised by the higher chances of one of you not making it to late eighties!

DH and I met 20 years ago, have 'officially' been together 18 years (and bought our first house together 17 years ago), but married for only 9. If we both survive another 32 years we'll be in our 70s - but to celebrate our 50th anniversary, I'd be early 80s, DH would be pushing 90. It's possible and I really hope so, but...

If, OTOH, is the question really about whether a monogamous relationship is still sustainable for 50 years, then yes, absolutely I believe that. However, like many PPs who think the same, both DH and I come from very secure relationship families. PIL made 50 before FIL died (and MIL is ok, but definitely not happier without him); my DPs are nearing 50. I guess it's what you're used to and what your expectations of relationships and marriage are. I can't imagine life without DH.

[OurBlanche]

I did add a smiley, Nicki I had no intention of offending or ignoring what you had writte. I was, as I said, taking your post under advisement.

Having said that, I have no idea whay I am almost abjectly apologising for being in a happy and long term relationship!

I would fervently hope that whichever one of us survives the other will make changes, do things we don't do as a couple, will celebrate the changes and opportunities rather than moping and being maudlin, stuck in the past for the rest of their lives!

[NickiFury]

I'm in no way offended. Just explaining my point. And I don't know why you feel that you're apologising either. I can't see that in your posts.

[SpareHead3]

My parents have been married for over 50 years and during that time have made each other spectacularly unhappy for large chunks of it and are still capable of it now in their 70s. I'm not convinced in their case the good outweighed the bad. They seem to be together because an alternative is too late now

So being happily married with ups and downs is lovely. But when those downs have been a predominant feature of the 50years, I'm not so sure. Having said that I can't imagine either of them with anyone else. Maybe that's just what does make them happy in some strange way.

[ravenmum]

It's hard not to take comments by those promoting long relationships (not just here) without taking them personally. ... "you have to work on it" - "every marriage has bad patches" - commonly said, but make me feel as if the speaker is saying I am lazy, give up too easily, didn't try hard enough, didn't take marriage seriously enough. My ex is still with his OW, and here am I feeling guilty I didn't try hard enough?

Same with the idea that I must have entered into the marriage thoughtlessly, without taking it seriously, even knowing that it wouldn't work. We'd been together 5 years ... lived together. ... It was my first relationship, I was amazed how well we got on. I thought he was doing me good and I would have a better marriage than my parents. And that if the marriage did have its ups and downs that we would work on it (see above).

Maybe I am just deluding myself and I was actually lazy and thoughtless (I was 23 when we got together after all!). Maybe I'm one of these exceptional cases when it is OK to break up? Or maybe we should just accept that it doesn't always last forever, and if it does it is partly down to plain old good luck?

[Amazonmulu]

The real question is about expectations. What are people expecting from marriage. If you are looking for unending romance and butterflies for life - it's unrealistic. If you expect / want a best friend, a partner in crime, someone who has your back and wants to travel down the path of life with you through the romantic and not so romantic bits then it will last a life time.

For those where there are irreconcilable differences (eg attitudes to money) or bigger issues (eg domestic abuse) it won't.

I think every single couple ever has make or break moments - it's just some choose to work out the issues.

I agree that marriages don't fail. There is not target to reach so you fail if you don't reach it. But I also think there is too much choice now and people get bored or insecure and feel that a new relationship would fix all the issues in their life. So the relationship ends.

My parents were together 50 years till my mother dies of cancer. They had make or break moments. Lots. They sometimes argued like cat and dog but they were best friends, had little sayings and in jokes and loved each other fiercely.

[ayeokthen]

It's achievable with hard bloody work (obviously if spouse cheats/is abusive then there's nothing you can do, that's completely different). My XH was an abusive bastard, I managed 8 years before I had to run or I'd have lost my mind, but my Mum was still furious because "it's not the done thing". Not married to DP, but we are committed to being a team, weathering the bad times together and enjoying the good times. My best friend met her man at 13, married him at 16, had their daughter at 17 and they were deliriously happy (full on lovey dovey adored each other) for 31 years until she died suddenly. They were the couple that give hope to the rest of us in tough times, because no matter what life threw at them, they coped with it together.

[Catisagit]

I still remember going to friends parents 60th wedding 'do' and there were speeches form her mum and saying how much they adored each other. V sweet. Friend leaned over and said 'they didn't talk to each other for the whole of the 80s...'

[ravenmum]

every single couple ever has make or break moments - it's just some choose to work out the issues.

Good illustration of the point I made directly before you. People have said that kind of thing about "choosing" to my face.

[Lottapianos]

Raven, that's just awful. I would think that someone like that is in a pretty shaky relationship themselves and are trying to make themselves feel better by being smug and convincing themselves that they are 'choosing' to work hard at it. Not a thought for your feelings

[Hulababy]

Definitely achievable and not unrealistic within my family or Dh's. My parents have been married 44 years so far; Dh's parents a little longer. My grandparents have been married over 60. Many of my aunts/uncles have long lasting and successful marriages.

I'm 43y and been married 18 years though been together with dh for 26y. Among friends several remain happily married. We know a handful who have divorced but in our circle they are the minority.

I suspect the thing that may reduce people's chances of reaching 50y+ in the future is likely to be that people marry later and have longer relationships before marrying.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

My maternal grandparents were married for 70 years in May. Sadly my grandmother died recently. My grandfather broke down three times during the short cremation service. I'm 42 and single and my longest relationship was 10 years. I am very sad that I am unlikely to have even that again, let alone even spend half what my grandparents spent together with a partner.

[GnomeDePlume]

It is my silver wedding anniversary tomorrow so I have been thinking about what makes a happy marriage (we are happy). I have come to the conclusion that I dont know!

There are some obvious things: be kind to each other, dont shag about but then there are couples who can be vile to each other at times and shag about who still profess themselves to be happy.

There is an element of settling for each other but only in the sense of recognising that though the grass might look greener elsewhere it is probably only a trick of the light.

I am lucky, what I have is what Amazonmulu described a best friend, a partner in crime, someone who has your back and wants to travel down the path of life with you through the romantic and not so romantic bits.

Perhaps that is it, it is just luck, we love each other, we want to be kind to each other, we dont want to shag other people.

[OurBlanche]

It's hard not to take comments by those promoting long relationships (not just here) without taking them personally I understand what you mean, and have not said any of that trite twaddle, mainly as it is just that, trite twaddle. Everyone has their own ideas on when something is not acceptable, does not work, should be left. There is no place, any more, for the idea that anyone needs to work at a marriage/relationship, to make it work, or they have failed.

But it does feel equally personal the other way too... absolute statements that it is impossible to have such a long relationship and be happy, suggestions that some of us pre Millenials may have had to just settle cos we know/knew no better etc... all make some of us who do have happy long term relationships feel a bit defensive too. As I said earlier, I almost feel like I should apologise for having made a good marriage, that, 30 years on, I am happy in my relationship!

I doubt there will be a consensus though, it is all so very personal and subjective.

[ravenmum]

OurBlanche, I can see that in this discussion too, you're right. I have to admit that now I look at some of the long-term marriages I'd always assumed were happy, and wonder if they are as great as they appear. My experience has made me question things and I'm more cynical. Mustn't let it turn me into a doom merchant

Lottapianos, they just don't think - I've heard this during conversations about marriage in general rather than about my marriage. Maybe they regretted saying it as it came out of their mouths, or maybe they just didn't even notice it might apply to me.

But yes, this whole idea of failure is tiring. One moment you have a "successful" relationship that has lasted decades, the next moment the whole thing was apparently a failure and you should have tried harder.

[Lottapianos]

You're so right ravenmum- people don't think and they just talk a lot of crap often.

Also agree with the tiresome notion of failure v success in relationships. As I said upthread, my parents have been married for nearly 40 years, which some people would consider a huge 'success', but they have made each other so miserable and both feel trapped in the relationship. I think its the people who made the difficult decision to leave an unsatisfactory relationship who need celebrating, not the people who stuck their heads in the sand, making everyone else miserable around them

[Ginkypig]

Ravenmum, hopefully my post wasn't the type of post you meant

My view very much is if it's not working and esp in your circumstance (you weren't culpable it was him who cheated!) then the relationship is not worth fighting to keep!

If your both happy (generally) you both feel able to carry it on then great but why live in misery just because you made a commitment it's meant to be a partnership not a jail sentence!

I'm very very lucky to have found a partner I can make it work with! I was just as unlucky before when I was in a domestic violence situation, so yes I compl agree that sometimes it's not about working harder it's about luck to find someone you can work with!

[thestamp]

I think it's unrealistic.

I think most marriages that last several decades aren't particularly happy. There are exceptions obviously but I don't know many.

Marriage generally benefits men and women are under huge pressure to make the marriage work no matter what. And women are strong... so they tend to meet the pressure, swallow their needs and somehow manage to hold the marriage together through bad times. When they could have just divorced and found a new relationship and probably been much happier. It's sad really.

I love men and love being loved. But I do think that it's healthier and better for women to move on to a new partner every few decades.

However I get a lot of guff for this view. Again, since women in general are taught that their value is in being loved by one man for life, and if they don't have that then they should look for it. And if they don't want it, they're bitter, immoral, etc. It's just our culture to feel that way really

[OurBlanche]

stamp can you see how I may read that? That I am only happy because culture has told me I should be... that without 'my man' I would have no value... that, because of this, I must have internalised some bad shit and chosen to put up with it so as not to be a failure?

In reality DH and I have both been through some crap, supported each other, both taken years out for education, supported each other through periods of unemployment, shouted at and with each other and, after 31 years, both feel that our lives would be less for the lack of the other.

If that is the 'guff' you referred to then ravens theory is proven in both directions

I do think that it's healthier and better for women to move on to a new partner every few decades. just floored me!

[thestamp]

Hey, 31 years is a few decades - so maybe at 40 years that would be the healthy time to move on! Or maybe not. (I'm being facetious of course.) There are always exceptions.

Honestly though I don't begrudge anyone a long relationship. I just don't think that the average relationship is happy or healthy at the 50 year mark. I think a more sensible lifespan expectation is 10-20 years. Not because people are horrible and discard each other - you can still be very close with someone without being romantic with them anymore - just that people grow and change so much in 10 years. Logically it's unlikely that compatibility would be constant for multiple decades. Possible, but unlikely.

[Lottapianos]

I do think there's something in what stamp is saying. Marriage, along with motherhood, is still treated as a woman's greatest achievement. There is still huge pressure to make a marriage work - to stay together 'no matter what', to avoid the 'failure' of a marriage break up, as we have discussed on this thread. For a lot of people, so long as everything looks ok, then it is ok, no matter how rotten it may feel on the inside. I think that being in an unhappy relationship is more common than we realise

However, I certainly don't think that means that every long marriage is a fake, or that its inevitable that you will end up feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. I've been with my DP for 11 years and I have no intention of 'moving on' to a new partner at any point! That may be the right thing for some, but its certainly not for everyone

[OurBlanche]

I think we work because we have both wanted similar changes. Quitting work and going to university in our 30s, for example. We grew in similar ways

As for the romantic side... well, we waxed and waned I suppose. The nigh on frantic sex of our 20s matured and changed but hasn't disappeared.