Am I right to be suspicious?

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Went out to the pub with DP tonight (we don't live together). It's his DD birthday soon and having a party.. Was showing me some photos of food he was going to buy, the next thing, he'd swiped onto a pic of a pretty young woman in a vest top, it was all so quick. Anyway he quickly swiped it away as I asked who was it. He was very flustered and said "oh that's them in the what's app group sending pics" (his male hobby group)

I said nothing for around an hour then asked him about the pic, again he looked flustered, but recited the same story. I asked to see the pic and the WA thread and he flatly refused, categorically refused to show me.

Am I wrong to ask him this?

[Guiltypleasures001]

Why are you still even asking I would have binned him over the weekend with that weak arse excuse
Sorry op

[avamiah]

Op,
I'm not really clear about your relationship?
However if you are in a serious relationship, then NO, he should not have pictures of another woman on his phone and if he does then he should show you the photos and not have anything to hide.
Eg, works do, mates at Gym,female friends etc, he should show you,and if he won't and has deleted the photo then he could and probably has something to hide .

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

What guilty pleasures said. It's invious he's up to something like it was obvious he was up to something before.
He didn't even fess up when you gave him an ultimatum so he's obviously not that bothered about hurting you either.

Normal behaviour who show him pulling out all stops to prove you wrong. He can't because you are right.

[SaltyMyDear]

I think he's cheating - or intending to cheat - on you.

I would LTB. And as you're not living together it would be relatively easy so Id do it now. Tell him you're ending it and not contact him again.

Because I prioritise my self respect above everything else.

[fastdaytears]

If it was banter he would have wanted to show you the conversation to stop this. But you know that.

[SarahOnfire]

Ask to check his phone again this time next week. off the cuff - check everything & if sthg dodgy going on I bet you'll find it. Emails fb messages WhatsApp the lot sent items trash

[hellsbellsmelons]

It doesn't really matter what the people on MN think.
You KNOW what you need to do.
You KNOW it's not right.
You KNOW he is up to something.
It's not the first time he's done this to you.
Don't brush it under the carpet this time.
Bin him and find a proper man. Who loves you and women in general.

[ImperialBlether]

He sounds like Donald Trump to me - I wouldn't like him at all with that attitude towards women.

[YouAreMyRain]

He has zero respect for you

[mickyblueyes]

If you go into the settings of 'Whatsapp' there is the option to backup your chats to the 'icloud' (If he's on an iphone). Theres also a way to retrieve all the chats in a text file. I guess that depends on whether he has the feature turned on.

[Horehound]

Hes lying! Ffs!

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

It is a serious relationship of nearly 5 years. He WILL NOT show me his phone, flatly refuses. Says I treat him like a little boy going through his things.

I have never asked to go through his phone unless I had something I was suspicious of, so I've asked twice.

The thing I can't get over is how he wouldn't want to reassure me, I would go overboard to prove my 'innocence'. He isn't what I'd call a 'player' and he doesn't generally make derogatory comments about women either, but this flat refusal has really upset me, he knows that but won't do anything about it.

Yes I KNOW what I have to do..it's just doing it..thank you all for your replies..I feel I'm going mad..

[OurBlanche]

You aren't going mad, but I suspect you may do soon, if you stay and he continues to disregard your feelings in that manner.

Yes, he has a point, persistent distrust is really unattractive. But, if you have only asked twice and his reaction both times has been to stonewall you then either:

a) he is punishing you for someone elses previous behaviour
b) he really doesn't consider your feelings, has no empathy for you
c) is doing something that would end your relationship

Any of the above would be a cause for a rethink. After 5 years he should know you better, be more relaxed in your company.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

our Blanche he said his wife used to go through his phone, she left him. So that could be A, although I don't think so. B I can identify with and C, I told him last year it was over because he wouldn't prove his innocence, and he STILL wouldn't show me, so that's C I guess.

I tried to move on from it (God knows why..my age???) but it was hard, and he never ever showed me empathy with that situation either, that didn't help the repair process, but we were managing.

And yes..it's definitely a rethink.

[OurBlanche]

Have you sat down and made a pros and cons list?

DSis made a list: emotions he invoked in her.

She was horrified at herself. The list was incontravertible, he was a shite, she was a pushover. He was shown the door and she spent 3 days crying, possibly over herself more than him. She is 47 and far happier now!

[CalmItKermitt]

You know he's cheating. You're just burying your head on the sand. You want to believe him. That's understandable.

[Chinks123]

Sophie everyone's entitled to privacy but seeing a photo of a woman on your partners phone can be a sign of something going on..
A lot of men have group chat with their friends where they 'banter' and I know men do send photos of women/chat about them so technically it could be innocent but from what you described I don't think it is. He sounds shifty and phone guarding is not a good sign!
I wouldn't expect to have to show DP my phone nor do I look at his, but if something like this happened I would show proof it was nothing, and he can't do that. The fact the photo and chat is now gone is another major flag. In my experience (sadly I have experience in this) he is up to something. Leave before you start to go mad and question yourself.

[mickyblueyes]

"he never ever showed me empathy"

empathy + cheating = Narcissism

Empathy or lack of it is often someone who displays some sort of Narcissistic traits or worst case a full blown personality disorder...Maybe read a few things about NPD (Narcisisstic Personality Disorder).

www.infidelityfirstaidkit.com/empathy-narcissism/

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

OurBlanche..I think writing down pros/cons is a good idea, I shall do that in the next couple of days.

[bluebeck]

I wonder why his wife felt she had to trawl through his phone?

I wouldn't even mention the picture again, I would just tell him I wasn't that into him any more and it was over.

[SandyY2K]

I told him last year it was over because he wouldn't prove his innocence,

But it wasn't over because you're still with him. So you have to accept him as he is or actually follow through with what you say.

[SandyY2K]

I wonderwhyhis wife felt she had to trawl through his phone?

Good point. If you've nothing to hide it shouldn't really be an issue, although I do like a degree of privacy.

[wherearemymarbles]

Whats app backs up. You dont loose threads. I can delete a conversation but as soon as i send another message to that person i get back all the correspondence i have ever had.

He is lying.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

where so even if you do a restore will the whatsapp back up as soon as u start the conversation again?

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Sandy I quite agree..I thought I could accept it and move on, but clearly I can't, especially after this last episode.