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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I right to be suspicious?

83 replies

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 04/08/2016 22:16

Went out to the pub with DP tonight (we don't live together). It's his DD birthday soon and having a party.. Was showing me some photos of food he was going to buy, the next thing, he'd swiped onto a pic of a pretty young woman in a vest top, it was all so quick. Anyway he quickly swiped it away as I asked who was it. He was very flustered and said "oh that's them in the what's app group sending pics" (his male hobby group)

I said nothing for around an hour then asked him about the pic, again he looked flustered, but recited the same story. I asked to see the pic and the WA thread and he flatly refused, categorically refused to show me.

Am I wrong to ask him this?

OP posts:

Report

DietCockBreak · 11/08/2016 15:11

Funny he had to restore the phone this week after all that isn't it! Lying git. You're wasting your time. He didn't want to let you see the WhatsApp convo because it would obviously prove he was lying, then he'd have to find another explanation for the photo of the woman. You've wasted 5 years on this twat. It's already 5 too many. How many more years have you got spare to waste on him? Just tell him to fuck off and don't look back.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 11/08/2016 15:01

The bottom line is he doesn't respect your feelings.
So this is twice now, what are you going to do next time?

Infidelity1stAidKit · 11/08/2016 14:22

It is DEFINITELY your right to ask about the pic.

And it is his OBLIGATION to explain it IF his priority is to maintain a happy, honest relationship with you.

..."he's making me feel like a nuisance."

If he makes you uncomfortable to ask about the picture than he's hoping you'll stop asking.

Right now if you let it go and pretend everything is ok in order to avoid a fight then that will reassure him that he can get away with "misbehaving".

How comfortable are you giving him the silent treatment until he explains the pic?

Horehound · 11/08/2016 11:55

The trust is gone. He is being dodgy. You know it, we know it. Wake up!

SandyY2K · 11/08/2016 08:24

Whats app backs up. You dont loose threads. I can delete a conversation but as soon as i send another message to that person i get back all the correspondence i have ever had.

That's only if you set it up to do a back up and if you delete the thread, you won't get it back with no back up.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 11/08/2016 07:45

Bemore..thank you, I don't think it's wrong either but he's making me feel like a nuisance.

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Infidelity1stAidKit · 11/08/2016 00:57

I'm new to Mumsnet but saw I received visitors to my site from this thread today.

I don't know if this helps, but KNOWING what to do is the easy part. We all know what needs done.

Our gut instincts know something smells fishy.

Our cheating radar goes off.

[Rhetorical Questions]
How long are we prepared to deal with the pain?
How much do we deserve respect?
How badly do we want a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship?
Are we ready to face the reality or do we keep hoping the nightmare is fake (made up in our own heads)?

**If we allow a mate to cover up evidence that you catch them with red-handed then what does that tell them?

BeMorePanda · 10/08/2016 23:28

Look he won't even reassure you, but plays the Whiny "don't treat me like a child " card to get you to back off.

Either he is hiding something from you, or/and he really doesn't care about how you are feeling.

Wanting to know more about that picture is not wrong op.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/08/2016 23:16

Sandy I quite agree..I thought I could accept it and move on, but clearly I can't, especially after this last episode.

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WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/08/2016 23:14

where so even if you do a restore will the whatsapp back up as soon as u start the conversation again?

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wherearemymarbles · 10/08/2016 22:27

Whats app backs up. You dont loose threads. I can delete a conversation but as soon as i send another message to that person i get back all the correspondence i have ever had.

He is lying.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 20:03

I wonderwhyhis wife felt she had to trawl through his phone?

Good point. If you've nothing to hide it shouldn't really be an issue, although I do like a degree of privacy.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 20:01

I told him last year it was over because he wouldn't prove his innocence,

But it wasn't over because you're still with him. So you have to accept him as he is or actually follow through with what you say.

bluebeck · 10/08/2016 19:02

I wonder why his wife felt she had to trawl through his phone?

I wouldn't even mention the picture again, I would just tell him I wasn't that into him any more and it was over.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/08/2016 18:42

OurBlanche..I think writing down pros/cons is a good idea, I shall do that in the next couple of days.

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mickyblueyes · 10/08/2016 12:15

"he never ever showed me empathy"

empathy + cheating = Narcissism

Empathy or lack of it is often someone who displays some sort of Narcissistic traits or worst case a full blown personality disorder...Maybe read a few things about NPD (Narcisisstic Personality Disorder).

www.infidelityfirstaidkit.com/empathy-narcissism/

Chinks123 · 10/08/2016 11:02

Sophie everyone's entitled to privacy but seeing a photo of a woman on your partners phone can be a sign of something going on..
A lot of men have group chat with their friends where they 'banter' and I know men do send photos of women/chat about them so technically it could be innocent but from what you described I don't think it is. He sounds shifty and phone guarding is not a good sign!
I wouldn't expect to have to show DP my phone nor do I look at his, but if something like this happened I would show proof it was nothing, and he can't do that. The fact the photo and chat is now gone is another major flag. In my experience (sadly I have experience in this) he is up to something. Leave before you start to go mad and question yourself.

CalmItKermitt · 10/08/2016 11:00

You know he's cheating. You're just burying your head on the sand. You want to believe him. That's understandable.

OurBlanche · 10/08/2016 10:57

Have you sat down and made a pros and cons list?

DSis made a list: emotions he invoked in her.

She was horrified at herself. The list was incontravertible, he was a shite, she was a pushover. He was shown the door and she spent 3 days crying, possibly over herself more than him. She is 47 and far happier now!

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/08/2016 10:47

our Blanche he said his wife used to go through his phone, she left him. So that could be A, although I don't think so. B I can identify with and C, I told him last year it was over because he wouldn't prove his innocence, and he STILL wouldn't show me, so that's C I guess.

I tried to move on from it (God knows why..my age???) but it was hard, and he never ever showed me empathy with that situation either, that didn't help the repair process, but we were managing.

And yes..it's definitely a rethink.

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OurBlanche · 10/08/2016 10:37

You aren't going mad, but I suspect you may do soon, if you stay and he continues to disregard your feelings in that manner.

Yes, he has a point, persistent distrust is really unattractive. But, if you have only asked twice and his reaction both times has been to stonewall you then either:

a) he is punishing you for someone elses previous behaviour
b) he really doesn't consider your feelings, has no empathy for you
c) is doing something that would end your relationship

Any of the above would be a cause for a rethink. After 5 years he should know you better, be more relaxed in your company.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/08/2016 10:24

It is a serious relationship of nearly 5 years. He WILL NOT show me his phone, flatly refuses. Says I treat him like a little boy going through his things.

I have never asked to go through his phone unless I had something I was suspicious of, so I've asked twice.

The thing I can't get over is how he wouldn't want to reassure me, I would go overboard to prove my 'innocence'. He isn't what I'd call a 'player' and he doesn't generally make derogatory comments about women either, but this flat refusal has really upset me, he knows that but won't do anything about it.

Yes I KNOW what I have to do..it's just doing it..thank you all for your replies..I feel I'm going mad..

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Horehound · 10/08/2016 09:15

Hes lying! Ffs!

mickyblueyes · 10/08/2016 09:12

If you go into the settings of 'Whatsapp' there is the option to backup your chats to the 'icloud' (If he's on an iphone). Theres also a way to retrieve all the chats in a text file. I guess that depends on whether he has the feature turned on.

YouAreMyRain · 10/08/2016 09:05

He has zero respect for you

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