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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does my lovely boyfriend have arse outbursts ?

82 replies

iminshock · 03/08/2016 19:38

He's wonderful. I love him dearly .
Every so often he gets arsey and verbally aggressive.
Tonight it was because I hadn't helped him with a graphic layout for his business.

He asked me to help a week ago. I've been really busy and have not done it yet. ( 2 jobs 3 kids ) He came home tonight growling at me and calling me selfish for no sorting it out yet. It's not an urgent thing.
The thing is not relevant. He finds a reason to be a bit mental at me every few weeks.
What gives ? Don't say LTB . That's not helpful.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 03/08/2016 19:42

I don't think you're going to get many people helping here, as most wouldn't choose to put up with that behaviour OP

SkydivingFerret · 03/08/2016 19:43

I'd say he's more arse than lovely if he finds reasons to be aggressive towards you every few weeks. Stay with him if you want but he'll get worse rather than better, since you're letting him treat you like that now

EarthboundMisfit · 03/08/2016 19:43

Well, I think verbally abusive people can be quite good at keeping a lid on it for a while. They always blow at some point.

Vvlgari · 03/08/2016 19:44

Sorry, but I thought 'arse outbursts' was a new phrase for diarrhoea until I read the OP.

He sounds like a tosser.

Naicehamshop · 03/08/2016 19:47

Don't put up with this - believe me, it will only get worse not better. Sad
You could try sitting him down and calmly explaining how you feel to him.
Or you could save time and just LTB now. Grin

Cinnamon2013 · 03/08/2016 19:47

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. It's disrespectful and rude - more than that really. The frequency you state would be considered by a lot of people to be fairly often.

Cinnamon2013 · 03/08/2016 19:51

If the kids are his, or he's an important part of their lives, perhaps get counselling.

If not [the not helpful thing]

nicenewdusters · 03/08/2016 19:54

Because he's not actually lovely ?

Costacoffeeplease · 03/08/2016 19:59

Or is it 'my arse of a boyfriend is lovely sometimes'?

FetchezLaVache · 03/08/2016 20:01

I came on this thread to empathise, as I assumed you had a BF with a flatulence problem.

Turns out you have a boyfriend with an attitude problem.

You make it sound almost like he goes looking for a reason to be nasty to you, which suggests he feels the need to keep you in your place. Agree with PPs that this isn't going to get any better.

Just tell me you didn't respond to the growling by putting everything else on hold to start work on this layout sharpish...

MephistoMarley · 03/08/2016 20:01

He's not lovely is he Confused
Seriously, lovely people don't behave like dicks every couple of weeks.

NedStarksHead · 03/08/2016 20:10

Every few weeks is often.

He leaves it just long enough in between getting to verbally abuse you so that you actually think he's sweetness and light and just has momentary outbursts.

He's not lovely, he's a calculating arsehole.

magoria · 03/08/2016 20:25

He's lovely you are doing what he wants from you and putting him at the top of the pile where he thinks he belongs.

He is an arse because you have a real life and responsibilities which means he doesn't come top of your list like he thinks he should.

As others say. Every few weeks he finds a reason to have a go at you.

Not so nice really.

snowy508601 · 03/08/2016 20:35

It is stress. He needs to learn to handle it in a more appropriate way.You are not his verbal punchbag!

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 20:36

OK, you don't want to hear that most people wouldn't put up with this - and would advise you to dump this nasty man.

I can give two other bits of advice:

  1. Stay with him but never ever put up with this shit. Every few weeks you say? No. Every time, tell him no - you will not be treated like this and he can go away until he has learned to behave.
  1. Have a think about what has happened in your life to make you feel that you love someone who treats you like shit.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2016 20:57

He is using you as his verbal punchbag and that is never acceptable in any relationship. You do realise that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, did your dad treat your mother similarly?.

Why do you state "don't say LTB?". An honest answer on your part is needed here. Why is it not helpful to you for people to state that?. Is that because of a feeling of failure on your part that the relationship has and is failing here, you've invested heavily in this relationship so think you are throwing this away (the sunken costs fallacy), a worry that you have chosen the wrong man here to be with?. Do you really love him or are you really codependent and confusing that for love?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is this person meeting here?. You get something from this clearly so what is it?.

Your children hear this as well from him, what sort of an example is he setting them by treating you like this?. What do you think you yourself are teaching them about relationships?. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing them?.

As for counselling well it would be helpful to your own self to determine exactly why your own relationship bar is set too very low in the first place.
Joint counselling with him is a non starter due to the verbal abuse; no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway due to the ongoing abuse he metes out.

Fomalhaut · 03/08/2016 20:58

Every few weeks is rather a lot though, isn't it? The thing is, abusive men aren't cartoon villains, twirling their moustaches as they plan their next evil deed - no one would stay with them if they were arses all the time. But a bloke who is an arse every few weeks? Well he's able to keep you hanging around by being nice in between.
Read some of the threads on here - the number that contain the phrase '95% of the time he's a great dad/husband, he just... (Beats the shit out of me/gambles/is verbally aggressive etc etc..) the only level of verbal abuse or aggressive behaviour that's ok is nil

So why is he an arse? As a man much wiser than I once said, If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands

CherryPicking · 03/08/2016 21:02

And that's why I got divorced. Put up with it for more than a decade though.

Resilience16 · 03/08/2016 21:16

Imin, I can only speak from my own experience. I had a lovely boyfriend who I loved and thought was wonderful.
3 months into the relationship he had an arsey verbally aggressive tantrum, over nothing. I was shocked, but decided to ignore it and hope it was a one off. Life went back to being normal.
Then a few months later it happened again. And again. And again. And that became my normal.
Took me four years to realise that it ain't normal. Four years of walking on eggshells and wondering when the next tantrum was due. I put up with it because I thought he was wonderful, and he was lovely and I loved him...
Turns out someone who is wonderful doesn't verbally abuse you, or make you feel bad. Someone who loves you doesn't growl, get arsey or verbally aggressive with you.
The crux of this is does he realise he has a problem and is he willing to get help with it? If yes then there may be a glimmer of hope of you having a healthier relationship.
If he doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour then it's unlikely to change and is more likely to escalate . Its your call whether you are prepared to shut up and put up, or whether you realise you deserve better.
Hope this is helpful.
Good luck.

adora1 · 04/08/2016 10:48

You call someone going mental at you for no reason wonderful and LTB not helpful, good luck then OP.

Original poster
iminshock · 05/08/2016 08:53

Thanks everyone.
Interesting that so many of you automatically assume I put up with his outbursts.
I don't. I robustly defend myself , tell him it's not acceptable and ask him to go away till he can behave himself.

Or if he is getting worked up about one of his regular topics I say I've heard all this before , he knows my view and I'm not up for rehashing anything .
To those of you who say he's taking out his frustrations on me - yes. I tell him this.

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 08:59

The fact that you haven't dumped him is putting up with it, can't you see that? By not leaving, you're telling him that shouting and fighting back is the worst you will do. He's clearly ok with that.

Dozer · 05/08/2016 09:03

You ARE putting up with it because you stay with him despite his frequent verbal abuse Sad.

It is also a concern that when you have DC and two jobs (and indeed even if you hadn't) he felt entitled to abuse you for not having time to do him a favour for his business. Shows a lack of consideration or respect for your time and suggests a belief that you are there to serve him.

Dozer · 05/08/2016 09:04

Eg he called you "selfish". It is not at all selfish to attend to essentials of your paid work, DC and domestics before doing others favours. Quite revealing that he used that word.

DoreenLethal · 05/08/2016 09:07

To those of you who say he's taking out his frustrations on me - yes. I tell him this

What good has this done if he does it that often and to that extent?

You have two jobs and three kids, with him you have three jobs (if you are doing some of his job for him) and four kids. You either need to lose the dead weight or realise that this is what you are accepting in your life.