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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does my lovely boyfriend have arse outbursts ?

82 replies

iminshock · 03/08/2016 19:38

He's wonderful. I love him dearly .
Every so often he gets arsey and verbally aggressive.
Tonight it was because I hadn't helped him with a graphic layout for his business.

He asked me to help a week ago. I've been really busy and have not done it yet. ( 2 jobs 3 kids ) He came home tonight growling at me and calling me selfish for no sorting it out yet. It's not an urgent thing.
The thing is not relevant. He finds a reason to be a bit mental at me every few weeks.
What gives ? Don't say LTB . That's not helpful.

OP posts:
Trills · 05/08/2016 09:08

Just popping in to say that "arse outburst" sounds like a euphemism for a particularly loud fart.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/08/2016 09:12

So if I read your OP correctly, you're asking why he does it, not what you or he can do about it.

My guess is he does it because he can. He knows that no matter how "robustly" you defend yourself (why should you have to?), and however often you say his behaviour is unacceptable, he continues to do it. So clearly he is not listening to what you're telling him. You can be as robust as you like but if he's not listening to you, understanding the problem he is causing, and committing to changing his behaviour, you're wasting your breath.

Naicehamshop · 05/08/2016 09:15

imin - I'm glad to hear that you defend yourself from his outbursts, but does that make him shut up and apologise? Does he then realise that he is in the wrong and admit that he is at fault? If not, then you are no further forward, and still coping with behaviour that most people would consider to be unacceptable.

LyndaNotLinda · 05/08/2016 09:21

But you are putting up with it. You may robustly defend yourself but he's still doing it isn't he?

Ask yourself if he'd behave like this to a work colleague or a business associate? Of course not. He's an abusive bully. Sorry that you don't want to hear that.

GettingScaredNow · 05/08/2016 09:22

Totally agree that by staying you are putting up with it.
No one has to just sit there and be bullied for it to be classed as putting up with it. You are allowing him to behave this way and treat you this way, even if you say you defend yourself.
It isn't a deal breaker for you to be disrespected and emotionally controlled.
I hope that your children can grow up and not believe this is a normal way to conduct a relationship...

My STBXH was like this. Sweetness and loveliness but every few weeks there would be something. Usually tiny and completely unimportant. But somehow it would blow up. He would have an explosion - that was somehow my fault (much like in your OP) and I would defend myself.
And the cycle repeats. For 5 years.

He moved out 3 weeks ago and my flat is so peaceful and not tense anymore.

You can continue to stay and condone his behaviour and abusive nature.
Or you can do the other thing (by asking people not to say this you are showing you know it's the right response but your not ready to hear it. You will be. One day)

tigermoll · 05/08/2016 09:22

Glad to hear you're standing up for yourself OP. When you refuse to do what he asks and point out how unacceptable his bahviour is, how does he react?

Does he back down and apologise, promise not to do it again and be extra nice to you for bit? (But still go on and do it again a couple of weeks later).

Or does he get even arsier at you for resisting and have a tantrum? Does he ever apologise or admit he was out of line?

And finally, you say you push back against his arseyness, but be honest: do you usually end up doing what he wanted just 'for a quiet life' or because 'you were going to do it anyway and it seemed childish not to, just to make a point' or for a million other reasonable-sounding reasons?

Do his arse outbursts actually work? Because if they do, he's not going to stop.

deathtoheadlice · 05/08/2016 09:29

I thought flatulence too! Agree with tiger, those are good questions. Easy to say LTB as a random MN poster.. . But if the alternative is living with it for the next many decades leaving sounds better!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/08/2016 09:34

Is this a one way street or do you get unlimited support from him? That quip about you being selfish doesn't make him sound lovely. Testing you with the occasional Jekyll side might wear thin one day. He might make a perpetual habit of it.

CalmItKermitt · 05/08/2016 09:35

Agree with PP. He does it because he can.

Does he do it with friends? Colleagues? His boss? I'm guessing not 🙄

LindyHemming · 05/08/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/08/2016 09:39

OP, what's his response when you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 05/08/2016 09:44

It's good that you stand up for yourself when he has these outbursts, but the fact that he still does it, even though you have called him on it time and time again, suggests that

  1. He doesn't care that it bothers you.
  2. He has no intention of changing his behaviour even though he can control himself around others.
  3. It works for him.

The fact that you're still with him despite his frequent outbursts (and every few weeks is frequent - my DH has never lost it with me in 14 years, even though he gets frustrated about things) suggests that despite what you say to him you are willing to put up with it and aren't going to do anything to show him otherwise.

Draw your own conclusions. I won't tell you to LTB, but I will tell you to be careful about what your children learn from your relationship as to acceptable behaviour. If one of your children were in your position, would you be happy for them to be at the receiving end of this petulant aggressive behaviour?

ElspethFlashman · 05/08/2016 09:46

WHY does he do it? And continue to do it frequently?

Because he can love.

Its not as if you're going to actually leave him, is it? So why on earth does he need to ever stop? It releases his tension when he's pissed off. And you have a strop but thats all. Its still worth it.

ElspethFlashman · 05/08/2016 09:49

And I agree with others - your standard of "lovely" is waaaaay lower than the average. God knows where you learnt that "lovely" can also be verbally abusive on a whim.

punchintheguts · 05/08/2016 09:50

after his "outbursts" is he "lovely" even crying/sending flowers?
I have gone through this with my dd for two decades, yes, that's true.
this will definitely escalate, walking on egg shells.
take a look at my thread
Daughter Returning To Abusive Ex...Advice Please..........that will tell you all you want to know. Believe me it won't get better, ever!

NameChange30 · 05/08/2016 09:51

Because he is abusive.
For the longer answer, read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Meanwhile these links might be helpful:
signs of emotional abuse
the abuser profiles
Ask yourself why you're choosing to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you this. Do you have low self esteem? Are you afraid of being alone? Afraid that you won't meet someone who's lovely all the time?

smilingeyes11 · 05/08/2016 09:52

He is not going to change. If you want things to change then you will need to LTB. Or you stay and put up with it.

Why would anything change if all you do is the same thing. Abusive outbursts, he sounds pretty awful. I don't know why you think this is all you deserve. And what the hell are you teaching your DC about relationships if they see him treating you like this.

Don't go into joint counselling with him - even if he agrees it won't work as he will just manipulate it into being your fault. That is what abusers do.

OMGSame · 05/08/2016 09:57

How does he react when you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable?

He's calling you selfish because you don't put his needs above your other responsibilities. You obviously can see that is bollocks but you don't want us to tell you to ltb. Not sure what other response anyone here can give you tbh, just because he's nice sometimes doesn't mean he's a keeper, he's taking out his own frustration on you and it's a shitty way to live, we as internet sprites on a screen don't want that for you lovey.

Iamthinking · 05/08/2016 10:24

OP - what does he say after the event when he has calmed down? How does he talk about his OTT behaviour in the cold light of day? Do you talk it through afterwards, or is it brushed under the carpet?

How long have you been together & has he always been like this?

Zaurak · 05/08/2016 14:17

Why? Because he can.
Because the consequences from doing it to you are less severe than doing it to friends/his colleagues/ his boss.
Think about that. It'll get worse

PeppermintPasty · 05/08/2016 14:27

Please don't be like me, a strong woman, who repeatedly told (ex) dp that he was out of order when he was out of order. Long story short...he adjusted his behaviour for a short time, i.e. however long he thought he needed until he could be a twat again, then went back to being a twat, and it got worse.

Classics boiling frog thing. It went on for years, I wasted, utterly wasted my thirties on the abusive shithead.

It won't stop. He's telling you who he is.

Original poster
iminshock · 05/08/2016 15:47

I assure you he is very lovely and does loads of stuff to help me , its not all just talk.

No tears and flowers ! Not his style st all.
Yes he sometimes apologises and yes he does have these outbursts with friends and colleagues and we all call him on it.
I'm definitely not walking on eggshells and would not hesitate to leave him if I thought that was the right thing to do.
I've seen plenty women on here say they know they are a total bitch to their partner from time to time and the response is usually " is it an equal partnership ? Who does all the housework ? The childcare ? " and never " your partner should LTB - that's you who is the bastard. ".
Mumsnet relationship boards are totally biased towards encouraging women to leave less than perfect men.

OP posts:
Original poster
iminshock · 05/08/2016 15:48

3 years together

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/08/2016 15:51

So you know best and we're all biased Hmm
Why the fuck did you bother posting then?
What do you want us to say?!

smilingeyes11 · 05/08/2016 15:55

I never understand it - a post is started, we say what we think then the OP comes back and defends him, tells us he is lovely really and we are all man haters.

Good luck op - you are going to need it, in spades. I also wonder why you bother posting. I guess you wanted us to tell you it was your fault he does this and if you are nicer to him he won't do it again....

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