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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does my lovely boyfriend have arse outbursts ?

82 replies

iminshock · 03/08/2016 19:38

He's wonderful. I love him dearly .
Every so often he gets arsey and verbally aggressive.
Tonight it was because I hadn't helped him with a graphic layout for his business.

He asked me to help a week ago. I've been really busy and have not done it yet. ( 2 jobs 3 kids ) He came home tonight growling at me and calling me selfish for no sorting it out yet. It's not an urgent thing.
The thing is not relevant. He finds a reason to be a bit mental at me every few weeks.
What gives ? Don't say LTB . That's not helpful.

OP posts:
ToastDemon · 05/08/2016 15:58

I'm unsure why you asked the question then OP if that's your opinion of the mumsnet boards.
Or more succinctly, hell mend you.

PeppermintPasty · 05/08/2016 15:58

I didn't think I was walking on eggshells either, until I kicked him out and then the DC and I became, you know, happy.
Go figure.

LisaMed1 · 05/08/2016 16:07

OP I suggest you keep a journal that your partner doesn't know about and record when the outbursts are and why. You will be able to see if there is a pattern, if they are increasing or decreasing in frequency or if there is anything else happening.

My FIL used to be foul at the full moon.

LyndaNotLinda · 05/08/2016 16:13

Really? He is completely unreasonable and abusive to his colleagues and with his friends and everyone just forgives him?

I'm sorry but I find that very hard to believe.

MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 16:23

Op is in denial. She wanted advice on how to change him Hmm or posts saying 'oh yes my lovely dp is also a cunt on a regular basis' and is prickly because she didn't get it.
Good luck op - enjoy your 'lovely' man until you can't take it any more. Then we will be here.

LindyHemming · 05/08/2016 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iminshock · 05/08/2016 16:52

No need to be so nasty.
I want insight into why a 98%perfectly healthy , kind , loving hardworking person would have an outburst every so often that was none of the above.
It's not making my life a misery. I'm very happy and so are my kids.
I thought perhaps some people on here who admit to having similar outbursts could shed some light but the LTB brigade are there as usual , trying to insist ( without having met me ) I am deluded and one day will see the light.

There are two occasions each year when it is bad. His child's birthday and the anniversary of his child's death.

OP posts:
SusieQwhereareyou · 05/08/2016 16:54

Having had a difficult marriage to someone with a substance abuse problem, I have lost all patience for any shit. I really don't think relationships should be such hard work. You shouldn't have to "robustly defend yourself" and you must feel his behaviour is unacceptable to be posting in the first place.

NameChange30 · 05/08/2016 16:54

That might have been useful info to include in the OP.
Just a thought.

SusieQwhereareyou · 05/08/2016 16:55

So is it every few weeks, or is it twice a year?

FetchezLaVache · 05/08/2016 16:58

Well, Susie, I for one am guessing it's bad every few weeks and absolutely fucking awful twice a year.

ToastDemon · 05/08/2016 17:12

That was a bit of a drip feed wasn't it?
Look, the reality is that abusive men are often lovely initially and lovely most of the time. Otherwise no-one would get together with them or stay with them.
If I had similar outbursts I would be ashamed of myself and seek help.
What you've described sounds like a typical abuser pattern to me.

NameChange30 · 05/08/2016 17:13

Typical, isn't it? OP gets a load of answers she doesn't want, then changes her tune.

LindyHemming · 05/08/2016 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 05/08/2016 17:20

Look, OP, your best chance is to be prepared to leave the bastard.
As long as you are prepared to put up with his outbursts on a regular basis, he'll continue to have them.

Set your boundaries and let him know. The responsibility will be his. If he crosses your boundaries, you should be off. Zero tolerance.

At the very least get some time apart and see the difference. Then decide.

Iamthinking · 05/08/2016 17:22

I really think that he is the one that can answer why, if he is genuinely lovely. You should be able to talk about it afterwards without being nervous he is going to kick off again, at which point he can explain himself and whatever stresses he is under. Only he knows. But he should be more than just sorry "sometimes", he should be gutted, horrified with himself and talk about how he can handle things better next time.

When he has calmed down tell him his behaviour was unacceptable. That you won't be talked to like that. Ask him what he is going to do to stop it happening again.

Sorrys become pretty meaningless after a while, mind you, but at 3 years in heartfelt acknowledgement of his wrongdoing is the very very least you can expect.

Can you ask him?

KERALA1 · 05/08/2016 17:47

I had one of these. Tied myself in knots puzzling it - loving, funny, intelligent, fascinating - but every 6 weeks or so a massive abusive outburst. He called them arguments. Funny I never argued with anyone else. They were more like verbal onslaughts. Realised I had to end it when realised I was relieved a friend of his was staying over and could help me deal with the gathering storm. Realised I couldn't have kids with him so dumped.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/08/2016 17:49

I actually think the OP's massive drop-feed makes this situation worse, not better.

On the two occasions a year when he really kicks off (as opposed to just being nasty every few weeks), I doubt you'd be able to say anything to him about his behaviour because of his bereavement. Using a child's death as an excuse to treat your supposed loved ones like shit is pretty low, actually.

LyndaNotLinda · 05/08/2016 18:02

I know a lot of bereaved parents. I don't any who use it as a good excuse to behave like an utter shit to their nearest and dearest though.

Having said that, I do know a lot of men like your boyfriend. And the reason why they behave like that? Because they can.

The real question is - why do you put your children and yourself through it?

Irelephant · 05/08/2016 18:04

Bullshit. I have a dead child. I don't take it out on DH twice a year. If I did I think my DS would be ashamed of me.

Irelephant · 05/08/2016 18:05

Cross post with Lynda not just me then.

Cabrinha · 05/08/2016 18:07

If it's a pattern that he can't trust himself not to be an arsehole on those anniversaries, then he can easily plan to absent himself on them.

It's just an excuse.

And a disgusting one at that, using a child's death as an excuse for treating other people like shit. Shameful.

You know that nasty fuckers also sometimes lose a child?

Resilience16 · 05/08/2016 18:17

Hi Imin, me again.
If your life is very happy (and I sincerely hope it is) then I don't really see why you feel the need to post on here.
If you relationship with your partner is a lovely as you purport then I suggest you ask him (rather than MN) why he has these outbursts and how the pair of you can resolve them.
Getting angry at people who have been in similar situations to yourself, who you have actively asked for advice,maybe because their responses hit a nerve or make you uncomfortable is a bit of a pointless excersise.
Talk to your partner and see if you can work it out together.Maybe you both need help to communicate better.
Good luck.

Irelephant · 05/08/2016 20:01

I would genuinely ask him what he thinks his child would think of his behaviour.

I told my exp (sons dad) the same when he used it as a stick to beat me with.

I stand by that a year later.

Cinnamon2013 · 05/08/2016 20:37

It takes a long long time to piece things together when a relationship is not healthy. Shouting in frustration at someone who can't see the issues and won't take your advice wouldn't work in real life, and it doesn't work here. Taking the time out of your life to tell someone what they should do should never oblige them to do it. And that's not the way we come around to owning a decision and making it anyway.