please someone help me decipher what happened....(title amended by MNHQ - trigger warning)

[whatthefuck9]

Ive name changed for this as too scared ill be recognised but could really do with speaking to someone
My heads such a mess i invited some new neighbours over for a drink the other night , ive only met them to say hi to so thought it would be nice to get to know them and make a new friend hopefully
While we were having a drink they told me about the wild lifestyle they lead....swingers clubs/escorts etc ( all this on the 1st time id really even spoken to them) i was a bit taken aback but laughed along like each to thier own etc as didnt want to be rude
Heres where it all gets very vague :( i had a call off a friend at midnight which i remember and them both still being here i didnt feel drunk infact id had less to drink than i sometimes do sat on my own watching tv, my next memory is 3 hrs later when i woke up/came round feeling violently sick and he was on top of me :( i pushed him off and ran into the bathroom to be sick and i vaguley recollect him tucking me into bed? Dont know how much later that was, dont remember him leaving or letting him out or anything really until i phoned my friend about 4am crying hystetically
I have literally no memories of between the call from my friend and maybe 3 hrs later when i came round in bed with him on top of me....when i came downstairs after he left my trousers and underwear were in the living room though
Please someone talk to me im falling apart here terrified of what happened in those lost hours :(

Thank u thats very kind but im a long way away from u..... i just want them to fuck off simple as that, ive already decided im not going to move house coz of this i and my kids love the house and estate we live on and kids have many friends here so why the hell should we
Its hot tho and i want to sit in my garden and cant coz they are in thiers and will try chatting to me
Sorry im just annoyed and ranting x

Rant away. I know how you feel. Don't bottle it up. I wish you were closer. I'd enjoy having a sinister word with these fuckers. You've done nothing wrong, hold onto that thought. You will always be worth a million times what they are, they are incapable of taking that from you. You are still the same person who would not hurt someone like they did. They are tainted by their act. You are not. Sorry if I sound sanctimonious, but I found these thoughts helped me on my dark days.

Thank u that does help..... the nicey nicey msg etc are just more head fuck like i did something to encourage it/they did nothing wrong and altho i cant remember what happened i know for sure i didnt ask for it or want it .....

Irrelevant. You can't remember therefore were not able to decide whether you did or not! If you are unable to remember then your brain was offline. And they knew that. You were at your most vulnerable. It happened because they are predators, not because of anything you did. If you passed out with me, your friends, family, most other people this wouldn't have happened. It was their presence made it happen so nothing to do with you my love. All them.

Thank you its a very bizzarre feeling my brain being offline and not knowing but i know i didnt encourage it
I hate that they are back .... my boyfriend is back off his lads holiday tonight too ( he doesnt know ) hes so awful i will never tell him but cant deal with his crap on top of everything else ive enjoyed him being away n not being shouted at anytime hes stressed.... he doesnt live here btw
I just want them all to fuck off!!!!

So tell him you need space. You have that right.

I will do....dont need his shit on top of everything else atm

Don't need it full stop.

Yeah i know.... i desperatley want him to care but dont trust him enough to tell him and cant pretend im ok when im not so will just have to make an excuse and not see him

Everything is getting on top of me badly tonight

Anything you don't want to say on here just pm me. Scream, punch a cushion, call the Samaritans. This is a normal reaction. You need to let yourself feel however you feel. Don't fight it. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Been there.

Thank u so much :)

I think whatever you decide to do, or not do, you need to make sure you don't get bullied into being polite to these people. I spent years feeling socially awkward and being polite to someone who had done something terrible to me and it's not good for your head or your self esteem.
I would either write them a note or say something along the lines of 'we both know what you did. I have evidence. Don't ever speak to me again or I will be the end of you.'

Good luck with whatever you do. You sound like a brilliant strong woman and you will get through this and feel normal again.

So sorry you're going thru this

I dont really want to say anything to them for fear of making things worse and having to live next door to them, i assume they wont take my warning and back off as they will know i dont have any evidence and will lie and say it was me .... 2 against 1 n all that.... id rather say nothing and hope they just leave me alone
I admit it is very awkward living next door to people you are avoiding like the plague though!
I havent told my best friend who it was for fear of people taking matters into their own hands and going to speak to them as thats what she wants to do but its the last thing i want atm and frightens me

sending you love and strength op.

I went against everything i planned to do and waited up to here if my boyf got home safe as he was abroad..... he did phone ay 1am but only to scream at me that i was a stalker for messaging him while he was away ( only coz he had rang me telling me he was lost had been in a fight etc and his phone died so wanted to check he was safe )
Didnt need that tonight i really didnt ... i feel at rock bottom and dont even want to carry on right now :(

Am sat staring out of the window fighting the urge to run n never come back but my little girls need me .....
How did life get to this :(

I just phoned the samaritans .... was feeling desperate for someone to talk to someone to talk me out of running away n tell me life wont always feel this hard.....
I told the lady what had happened and she said is this the real reason ur feeling like running away?!?! Wtf.... i dont know what she means? Im never phoning them again .... ive isolated myself totally now the woman from rape crisis and now samaritans think im a pain in the arse or a liar.... im not lying though thats the sad thing and not even a voice on a helpline believe me :(

Well, your boyfriend sounds a right prat. I hope he'll be your ex-boyfriend by tomorrow.

Have a warm shower and go to bed. Replay nice scenes from your holiday as you go to sleep: sunshine on water, kids playing, fun things you did.

Ring the police in the morning. You will be OK.

I think her question was a good one, though she was way ahead of herself. She was trying to be a therapist, which isn't possible in a short phone conversation. Don't write the Sams off because of this! They're all different individuals, just like any other bunch of humans.

Have that shower :)

She may have been clarifying what she heard you say, don't give up!!

Hi all just wanted to check in ... still confused and fed up but plodding on its really kind you all talking to me :)

Have you seen your GP ? We are still here for you.

Hi wtf9, just wanted to add a bit of support for you. And to say, I know you don't want to report what happened - and I understand why - but the police do have people trained to deal with exactly what you are going through. You might consider ringing but doing it anonymously at least at first? As previous people have said, it isn't necessary to know everything that happened to you, I think you know enough. It is very unlikely you would be the first victim of the neighbour and the police may be able to act on a body of evidence from other people too. I know you are feeling vulnerable so just know that I'm suggesting this as a way to help you unpick your feelings, not saying you should report if you aren't ready. Sending virtual hugs. And you deserve a better boyfriend, you sound like a sweet person who is doing her very best x