please someone help me decipher what happened....(title amended by MNHQ - trigger warning)

[whatthefuck9]

Ive name changed for this as too scared ill be recognised but could really do with speaking to someone
My heads such a mess i invited some new neighbours over for a drink the other night , ive only met them to say hi to so thought it would be nice to get to know them and make a new friend hopefully
While we were having a drink they told me about the wild lifestyle they lead....swingers clubs/escorts etc ( all this on the 1st time id really even spoken to them) i was a bit taken aback but laughed along like each to thier own etc as didnt want to be rude
Heres where it all gets very vague :( i had a call off a friend at midnight which i remember and them both still being here i didnt feel drunk infact id had less to drink than i sometimes do sat on my own watching tv, my next memory is 3 hrs later when i woke up/came round feeling violently sick and he was on top of me :( i pushed him off and ran into the bathroom to be sick and i vaguley recollect him tucking me into bed? Dont know how much later that was, dont remember him leaving or letting him out or anything really until i phoned my friend about 4am crying hystetically
I have literally no memories of between the call from my friend and maybe 3 hrs later when i came round in bed with him on top of me....when i came downstairs after he left my trousers and underwear were in the living room though
Please someone talk to me im falling apart here terrified of what happened in those lost hours :(

Hope you've been to the GP, please go if you haven't you really do need professional help, anybody would. There's nothing wrong with reaching out. The people are there for you, you're not wasting their time.

The bedding and my clothes have been washed yes... atm i dont feel up to reporting it no that opens up a whole new can of worms with them living next door and i havent mananged to get it to stop haunting me yet i cant take anymore stress atm
They will lie of course and say i was up for it they arent going to say they drugged me and whatever it was will have left my system by now .....
It worries me how i got from sat on the sideboard in the kitchen ( the last thing i remember ) to i presume in the living room where something must have happened as my trousers and underwear were there altho i have no recollection of being in the lounge at all to then up to the bedroom where i came round ....
Did he/they carry me? I know it seems unimportant but it scares me that i may have been concious for some of it but in such a drugged up state that i had no idea what was going on and cant remember it....
Does this make sense almost like in a zombie state.... i hope to god whatever did happen i was passed out for it
Sorry for ranting it helps unmuddle my thoughts

I will go to the gp on monday.....

Im meant to be going out drinking tomorrow night.... not sure if im looking forward to it or not now my friend who im going with knows and has said they wont leave me alone n if i feel uncomfortable to say and we will leave i dont think i will drink much tho as i dont want to get upset....maybe it will do me good who knows its worth a try tho for a distraction at least

OP - I think I would report it. I know you feel like they are too close to home but what if they have done this before and will do it again? It's clear something happened?

BUT - if you really don't want to, please continue to speak with people. Both in RL and on here if it helps? You won't get the time back. All I will say on that is unfortunately you have to stop trying to remember. If you are anything like me, that time is lost and you do have to accept it

Are you sure you it wasn't too much alcohol? And I know this is probably totally stupid but could it be alcohol poisoning? I have just googled it quickly to see if this could be it, and sure enough the confusion, vomiting, being in a stupor etc does all come under this also? Do you have the alcohol still? Was it wine? Sorry - I'm typing as fast as I think - and this may have been covered, but maybe that could be tested?

And please see your GP - aswell as an STI clinic (sorry -but better safe than sorry)

A friend of mine once stuck a load of vodka in my second glass of wine, she thought she was being funny, she wasn't. I realised half way down the glass that something was wrong. I was seeing double, the room was spinning, but I didn't black out. I was then very sick all over her new rug, that'll teach her.!! When my DD had her drink spiked with a drug, at a Festival she was like you OP, lost three hours. I think it was deliberate, I think you should report it, but totally get that you don't feel strong enough now. Don't let this despicable pair spoil your future, go out tomorrow it will do you good, trust your friend to look after you. My DD and her sister are very savvy now, they watch drinks being poured and they never leave a drink unattended. Glad you are seeing GP Monday, tell them everything, I think they are the first step to your recovery. You have been violated in your own home, that is so wrong. But you will get through this. GP first, they will help you to get stronger, then you can take further steps to stop this happening again. x

Just thinking, did you leave your drink at any time when they were there, popped to the loo, went to get nibbles?

Glad you're going to the doctor on Monday :) Well done. I think it's great that your friend's coming out with you at the weekend! See how you feel on the night, but if drinking alcohol makes you jumpy then don't drink it. You can always tell the others you're on metronidazole - the antibiotic that makes you violently sick with alcohol (it's prescribed for tooth infections, among other things.)

Regarding your other question. Different people respond differently to different drugs & doses. "Rape drugs" are supposed to put you in a stupor where you're unconscious but can move and make sounds. In your words, something like a zombie - but you are unconscious, the actions are automatic. It's similar to when you poke someone who's sleeping: they'll grumble and turn over, but they're still fully asleep. Some people just conk out completely, leaving them at risk of death. Some are resistant to the drug/alcohol combination and have recall, which is how the perpetrators usually get caught in the end.

Hi all thanks for the replies my friend popped over briefly tonight but has gone now so hopefully there are people still about on here to chat to ....
Im sure it wasnt the alcohol .... i have drank more wine tonight than i did that night and feel emotional but response wise fine
I am never sick of wine and havent been sick of alcohol in any form since my teens mixing spirits from parents alcohol cupboard etc....that night i drank one wine a wine i bought and can easily consume a bottle infront of the telly over the course of the evening and still know totally whats going on....
Yes i left my drink on many occasions.... to go to the loo... i was in my own home u dont take your drink to the toiley like you may do in a club and also an argument had kicked off outside my home between other neighbours that night which through the course of the night grew n grew and all 3 of us were in and out of my house all night checking what was going on

@garlic thank u for your explanation this is what im most worried about i have nightmares of almost out of body experience type things where i watch them do stuff to me n im awake....ish but doing nothing about it coz im so drugged .... i think this is where the not being able to remember is maybe a godsend in disguise x

I'm sorry you're having such nightmares. It's difficult for you 💐 I hope you're not reading this because you're asleep! (As I should be.)

I've got to say, I'm glad I can't remember but this is a personal thing that you'll come to in your own way, in your own time. People who do have fragmentary memories arrive at their own solutions. I can't emphasise enough how helpful it is to talk with properly trained & experienced people.

Do remember you need to eat food, drink liquids, all that! Wishing you a nice day with DC, and a relaxed evening with your friends.

Thank u im not asleep and dont see that coming anytime soon but i dont feel as panicky just sad..... i bet if i read bk thru this thread ( which i wont ) id be embarrassed how up n down i am ..... i so apologise but i cant help it and talking really does help! Apart from here tho im not sure who i can talk to .... samaritans were great but dont give advice and cant keep calling them all the time
Rape crisis awful
Police a no go atm
Docs on mon maybe they will be able to suggest something.... for now i just wish i could sleep ... i cant sleep in my bed havent since it happened as thats the only bit i remember and associate it with waking up there
I need to either get over it or invest in a more comfortable sofa!
Sorry gallows humour i guess i still dunno how im meant to feel x

Gallows humour comes in very useful :) You're meant to feel just how you do feel. You can expect your feelings to change a lot. Don't worry about the 'right' way to feel, there isn't one!

Can you try one of the calming, letting go, sleepy guided meditations online? I used to have one on my phone, that did a walk through a lovely garden type of thing. It helped while I was feeling all confused & stressed out. Dunno what you'll think of , it's the second one I found (the first was all new age music - not my thing.) There are some others on the same link.

Hey! you be as up and down as you want to be on here if it helps you get to the other side of this! We are all here for you 💐

Please think about going to the police - just for your sake of getting the right support as Garlic did.

If you feel like reporting them when you feel stronger then great, but for now, do it for you and your daughter

In the meantime be strong and go to GP. Be honest with them and ask for something to help you sleep - sleep deprivation won't be helping you deal with this

Don't go down the wine route numb it - that's a slippery slope as it will still be there at some point and you'll have a whole other bunch of issues to deal with - don't let them do that to you as well.

You are stronger than you think, you just don't know it yet 💐

OP the way you're able to talk about your feelings is a huge credit to your strength and the way you feel is absolutely proportionate to the magnitude of what you're going through. The not knowing what happened is making you question your own mind as well as what happened, it's a hugely complex situation and as with so many traumas in life it takes time for you to process and understand how you feel and how to move forwards.

I'm so glad you're going to the GP tomorrow. For yourself and also for your daughter. I would strongly suggest that you print out this post or write down what you want to say. Chances are that you will find it very difficult to talk about when you're actually in the room.

Will you be going on your own or could your friend come with you?

I had a similar experience OP except I wasn't drugged. Guy had a gf and kids and lived a few doors up the road from me, I thought I was making friends. He came over without his gf, got drunk and expected me to have sex with him, he told me it was what he had come over for (obviously I didn't know that at the time).

Our kids went to the same school so I saw him a few times over the next few months, he even came back to my house for another try! I saw him on the bus and he was friendly and chatty, insinuating that we had a good time and he would come back again.

I went through those feelings of thinking it was my fault, I let him into my house! I didn't make a single flirty or sexual comment towards him yet I still felt maybe it was my fault for leading him on.

I didn't tell a soul for 2 months but eventually I did and I did feel better for it. I initially didn't want to report as he knew where I lived but eventually I found out that he had tried the exact same thing with someone else and so I did report. The police were lovely about it, gave me panic alarms and locks for my doors, etc. I started a thread about it on MN at the time as I wasn't sure of the exact date it happened as it was so long after but the thread helped to pinpoint it. I did print them off and they were used as evidence.

Unfortunately he wasn't prosecuted but I think just being reported scared him enough that he won't try it again and that's enough for me. In the end he moved away from the area, so now I don't have to see him anymore which is a blessing. Even knowing that he isn't around I still freak out a little if I see anyone who resembles him but I'm ok. You will be ok too OP, it might just take some time. You can always talk to us on here

I really want to feel ok again but i really have no idea how to :(

Please make sure you ring them. Something similar happend to me. I thought I had managed to deal with it and put it in a box. Years later a TV documentery triggered me and I ended up in therapy. You really need to deal with this now.

Something horribly traumatic has happened to you, where you were drugged and unable to stop it. Your body remembers some of it, your mind snippets.

You are still in the period of shock that happens after such a massive trauma. This is why you feel unable to act. You are sort of frozen with fear. Gently, you need to sort of rouse yourself to act in more active way...you will need to let someone know what happened to you. Your friend who you rang for help at midnight (that's what you were doing) or someone else close to you? The GP might help you.

Someone needs to know so that they can then guide you to where you need to go next. But pick someone who is kind and reasonable, otherwise they might minimise it and try to get you to 'forget' or 'move on'.

The only way you are going to move forward is to somehow get justice. The best way is to go to the authorities. I know you are too frightened at the moment. But later on, when you are ready to move out of this phase of shock, you will want to take action. Just in case, keep any evidence you may still have. The jeans and knickers, the record of the phonecall. Even if you've washed things, put them all in a bag together to use at a later date if you decide to.

At the moment, you don't want to tell anyone. Your next step, when you're ready, is to tell someone you can trust to react in a kind reasonable way. Then together go and get these bastards through the courts.

I would be very surprised if there wasn't some sort of record of assault with these people. They told you they were swingers, but what they did wasn't consential. It might be you have the bit of evidence needed.

But I am not surprised you don't feel able to go there just yet. You are doing all the right things regarding the GP. Just make up that bag of stuff to use at a later date and consider someone you can trust who will help you through this.

You can go to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) and your GP should give you the details. They'll advise you. It's sad that the rape crisis lady was so awful. Was she pushing for you to report it? Maybe she's become a bit desensitised to it all.

I really want to feel ok again but i really have no idea how to

Start by seeing the GP then by talking to the police. If you don't this couple could pull the same trick again in someone else and you don't want anyone else to suffer like you are. And maybe try rape crisis again. .. in all likelihood you will speak to someone different who will be better.

You have to report this. They assaulted you. Go to your GP and I'm sure they can involve the police for you if you find it too much. Could you even call 101 and ask to see a female officer somewhere away from your house?

Please please seek help. Do not let them get away with it or worse do it again

The rape crisis lady was just a bit harsh.... maybe im being oversensitive atm but she kept telling me to get to the details of what he did to me as we were halfway through our allocated call time and youre only allowed one call a day .... i was trying to explain i dont know what they did thats the problem!
I dont feel strong enough to report them i dont know why :(
I think they are back off holiday today and im dreading seeing them

They are back just seen them .....

Where in the UK are you OP? I'm in Glasgow and off work. I can get to you no problem if you need support. I've got zero problem with dealing with these fuckers confrontation style if they approach you. Friendly act doesn't wash with me.