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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Brave Babes Battle Bus - Holding our heads up like thistles

999 replies

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 23/07/2016 16:09

I bit the bullet - Come on in, excuse the faint whiff of dog!

The last thread

OP posts:
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49
MaryMungoAndMidgies · 31/07/2016 21:24

Don't be ashamed, you let it out, you coped, you moved forward.

We all have scars, some are more difficult to see, but we all have some. Be it arms, or head, or heart. When you are ready, and when your daughter is ready, it will be time for a chat. You are not a mess darling, never were, never will be.

If people judge or whisper, then they are not worth knowing anyway. Haud your heid up like a thistle, you are worth a hundred of them. Bugger them, I say. xx

OP posts:
Mrsmimsy · 31/07/2016 21:29

Thank you, wry xx you have bought tears to my eyes x

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 31/07/2016 21:30

Yes my dear, all they care about is making you feel better and building your confidence. It matters not a jot that your scars are old, xx

OP posts:
Mrsmimsy · 31/07/2016 21:34

Wry, reading back and your struggles with your mam and dad issues. Big hugs xxx

laladidah · 31/07/2016 21:39

Just checking in to say I am having a fantastic weekend. Managed to avoid too much drinking so avoided the dreaded anxiety, and had a great day of sightseeing yesterday. Even managed a two hour hack today which was wonderful and involved a flat out gallop - certainly blew away the cobwebs.

Just been out for dinner and I had one small glass of wine out of the bottle and now having one small whiskey sour and that will be it for tonight.

Home tomorrow Sad so will catch up properly then.

Love to all

aliasjoey · 31/07/2016 21:53

Must confess my AF failed last night, as I was friends where I've always enjoyed a drink. I must brainstorm a way round that, it would be okay to have a few drinks but I always go too far.

Ah well, back to day 1. Still, eight weeks wasn't a bad run was it?

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 31/07/2016 22:06

lala glad you had a lovely weekend, sounds like it gave you a much needed boost, and a lovely ride to top it all off! Night night quine, see you tomorrow, xx

Thank you mimsy, he came back after a few hours, and went straight back on the iPad. He's still sulking, but that's his way, so I'll ride it out and wait until he brings it up if he wants to talk. I suppose you never stop being their bairn, he's still my dad. But he's also a person with his own hopes, fears and quandaries. And that's where it gets hard I suppose.

I am still sober, hard as it is. Tonight I am on a mix of tonic and bitter lemon with ice and lime. I made a big pan of chilli, parsley and lemon pasta with some fresh tuna so I am stuffed. Late shifts all this week and working on Saturday so that will keep me busy.

joey don't knock it quine, 8 weeks was bloody ace and you know it! Did you have a good time though? xx

OP posts:
Mrsmimsy · 31/07/2016 22:06

8 weeks is an amazing run xx

Elba84 · 31/07/2016 22:38

mrs I have scars too, arms and legs, and a skin graft scar. It sounds a bit weird, but I was actually thinking about this today...I'm now perversely a bit proud of them. Obviously id rather they weren't there, but I don't think twice about showing my arms anymore. It's maybe a bit easier as I've always had to have my forearms bare for work so haven't had much choice, but I've never ever had a negative comment (and only extremely rarely does anyone say anything at all). They are part of my 'story' if that makes sense, and not something to be ashamed of. Anyone who judges you for them is not worth bothering with.

In practical terms, the Red Cross provide a voluntary camouflage make up lesson (or at least they did) which I think is on referral from the GP. Or if not have a Google for camouflage make up, there are specialist shops that sell the make up and match up your skin tone etc.

lala sounds like your having a great weekend! Glad your having fun.

joey eight weeks was a bloody good run!! Definitely somethjng to be proud of.

wry your doing amazingly well. How long has it been now? Well done for confronting your dad, it can't of been easy.

I've just got home. Extremely tired but had a good trip. We literally crammed so much into a short time, and it's made me think about just how much time I waste drinking or hungover. It sounds a bit spoilt, but I really didn't want to go and almost didn't. The idea of spending so much time in a big group was a bit overwhelming but I've genuinely had so much fun and feel a bit lonely and deflated now it's over.

I did drink too much last night, more than I hoped I would, but a huge amount less than would of happened in the past. I'm aching all over from too much dancing in heels but no unexplained bruises have appeared yet and it's such a relief to remember everything. It honestly helped so much to be able to comr away for a bit and post and read your messages, thank you all so much for the support.

Stupidly, I'm drinking tonight. I planned it almost as a reward. I'm ashamed to admit that on the plane out I was looking foward to it and wishing the time away. But I'm going to put some serious effort into spending more of my time Af and just see where it goes.

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 31/07/2016 23:38

elba just a quick one to say how chuffed I am for you, it sounds like this weekend was a real success for you, it all went better than you hoped, and you danced!

Marie Kondo says arse all about tidying pompoms Grin have some pompommery! xx

Time for Bairn's moth snapping extravaganza. All I can hear are her teeth clacking inside the cone. They fly just out of her reach. Drives her mad. Grin Night night babes, xx

OP posts:
babyjane1 · 01/08/2016 08:54

Good morning babes,

mrsmimsy I totally agree with everyone, especially wry who is so eloquent, your scars are battle scars of survival, you were so low you felt it necessary and it is proof of how far you have come. It's true we have scars, some visible some not but there all the same,

elba and lala so proud and happy that you have left the dark side and saw the light, I hope seeing another way will encourage and motivate you to spend more time discover new pleasures. Life isn't always easy but real life is better than hiding away in our wine soaked misery, I've spent too long time there too, so happy you both had the weekend you deserve xxx

joey you have done brilliantly. I think we often lose perspective on here as alcohol had caused us such heartache but in the real world it's perfectly normal to have a drink with friends and enjoy it's heady sensation. Don't beat yourself up, I think you should be mega proud as we are of you. Xxx

So it's my weigh in tonight, I've tried really hard and my house no longer looks like it's been burgled so the mist is clearing. If only sorting out the big grown up life stuff was so easy. Will let you know how I get on tonight.

Love to all from sunny Scottyland xxx

Elba84 · 01/08/2016 16:07

baby good luck for the weigh in! You are amazing, I'm so glad things are improving again for you. Thank you as always for all your support.

wry thank you too! I had to laugh at the image of poor Bairn trying to catch moths with her cone...must be so frustrating for her.

I got drunk last night but it was planned from before I went away. Kind of helped me stay in control knowing I had a bit of a get out clause to binge when I got back. So I don't feel too bad or guilty about it, it was totally deliberate.

I keep trying to work out what my aims are with alcohol. I am realising just how much time and energy I've wasted, and how much anxiety it causes.

I bought a bottle of baileys at the airport on the way out and was going to stock up on some miniatures of something stronger on the plane but couldn't work out how to hide it or when id be able to drink given there were three of us sharing both a room and a suitcase Blush In the end I didn't buy anything else and we shared the baileys on the balcony in the evenings after everyone was in bed which was lovely, and much more 'normal'. But I'd literally been planing all week how I could smuggle in more booze Blush

But I can't give it up altogether, at least not yet. I don't want to so no point in pretending. But I do want to get more control, and I think the solitary late night binges have to go. A while back I set a goal of more Af than drinking days, but only lasted a week. But I think Im going to give this another go, but with more structure and planning.

So tonight and tomorrow are definitely AF, then thursday and Friday. It's all a bit of an experiment but maybe planning my week could help.

I'm sure I'm probably being delusional, but I still kind of hope that I can keep drinking ultimately but maybe only socially. I do know that thoughts of being totally AF have fuelled massive binges when I've tried and failed.

Anyway sorry to waffle on a bit, hope everyone's Monday is going ok. Xxx

lookingforhope · 01/08/2016 18:59

Hello all. Back from holiday. Broken my elbow slipping on pavement near apartment (not even had a drink!) So spent last 2 days of holiday in pain, yesterday in hospital and now am stuck in, unable to drive or even type except one handed on phone. All my plans for networking, job applications and keeping fit have gone to hell. Fed up Angry. Sorry not read back, will catch up over next couple of days - hope all ok x

dementedma · 01/08/2016 19:43

Hi all.
that's shit! How frustrating for you. WB is going to have to make a bit of an effort now. Anything in the job pipeline?
Had a good meeting g with the research professor today about a joint proposal for a pice of funded work. I'm not sure how to slice it but if I can get some of the money for me, then I can maybe keep things going for a bit longer...
How is everyone?
Where are mouse and indie andthurso and rural?

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 01/08/2016 19:43

hope! Oh no sweetpea, you poor thing, you must be so sore. Are they on top of your pain relief? What did the hospital say? Are you being looked after? Sending much bosies, not surprised you're scunnered, bless you, xx

OP posts:
aliasjoey · 01/08/2016 19:50

Hope you poor wee thing Sad are you taking all the painkillers you can?

laladidah · 01/08/2016 19:50

Right, deep breath, tries to catch up with you all...

wry poor doglet, although I must confess I had a little giggle at her moth catching come style antics. How is she doing? And yes, had a super ride, although aching like billyo today after two hours of quite hard and fast hacking across the countryside, the views were gorgeous.

joey 8 weeks is amazing. Now you know what you can achieve, sure fire inspiration to do it again! Hope you are ok lovely.

elba you star! So glad you enjoyed the wedding, and you end up in the state I did. It's so nice to wake up the next day and not feel the dread, guilt and shame. And sharing alcohol? That is actually a really big step (well it is for me anyway, anxiously watching to make sure that no-one takes more than necessary, and that I top up my glass more frequently than anyone else), so we'll proud of you!

hope, Flowers for you. You poor love. Broken bones hurt a lot, but imagine how much worse it would have been if you had been drinking? Hope (geddit?) you heal fast!

baby congrats on the house clean, good luck with the weigh in, sure you have done well. And as always, your wise words and sage advice really do help us struggling babes. Keep it coming!

Everyone else, hope all of you are doing well.

Just arrived back to a miserable and raining London. How depressing. But the good news is that i did manage to limit my drinking (as I said last night), so had a few cocktails and a glass of wine of an evening, which by my standards is pretty damn impressive. Unfortunately poor dp took the fall for me, as we ordered a bottle of wine, I had one demure glass (go me!) and he (enthusiastically) was forced to polish it off, as well as finishing my half drunk drinks for me as well (my reasoning extended to just drinking half the drinks would be OK and it sort of worked). Although I haven't been AF, I feel so much better for drinking far far less than I normally would, and for being able to go out exploring and in the fresh air, without the shakes and anxiety etc. I am not cured by any stretch of the imagination, but I do feel more confident that I am able to cut down, and manage far more AF days in future. Please remind me of my new found smugness when I will inevitably be back, whinging and moaning about how I can't stop downing two bottles of wine a night. Actually I am going to think positive and hope that either a few consecutive days of AF will help, or just moderating what and when I drink will help. (I am deluding myself aren't I?) anyway, had a lovely time all in all, mr Lala is a keeper methinks... waits for it to all go tits up.

Enough waffling from me, heading home and going to pick up pup, who probably hasn't even missed me as she has been having too much fun with her dog sitter, the little traitor

Flowers to all.

Elba84 · 01/08/2016 22:11

hope you poor thing! Did you at least enjoy the holiday up until you fell?? Hope you've got some good painkillers on board and manage to get some rest Flowers

ma the meeting sounds positive, fingers tightly crossed for you.

lala glad you had a good time, Mr lala sounds like a keeper! Have you talked to him much about your drinking? Yeah I dod struggle a bit sharing my precious alcohol Blush and may have snuck in a couple of extra glasses given the opportunity Glad you feel more confident, it's amazing how much better we feel when not drinking so much isn't it, just it's so bloody difficult to stick to it.

Successfully AF tonight, first time in well over a week, but having a huge craving for sugar which is freaking me out a bit. Totally illogical given how many calories I can drink. First therapy session is tomorrow morning and I'm feeling stupidly nervous about it.

Anyway, going to try and sleep. Night all xxx

laladidah · 01/08/2016 22:36

Oooh didn't see about the meeting ma, likewise with Elba, fingers crossed.

Not spoken to mr Lala about it much... But think I behaved well this weekend, and if I can keep it up, there hopefully will be no need to. AF this evening, and looking forward to feeling good again in the morning. Let's do this thing elba!

Got pup back, she smells like she has spent the weekend rolling in sewage, and seemed pleased to see me, although it was very hard being affectionate back when she smells like rotting vegetables and licking my face with her death breath, dread to think where her tongue has been, bath time for her first thing tomorrow morning! Sign she has been having fun I guess...

It's weird being back. And also weird as I have sort of been missing my daily babes updates.

Love to all

lookingforhope · 02/08/2016 13:51

Hi babes. Trying some experimental typing in a sling as need to get on with doing accounts and work soon. DS is at NCS Challenge this week (if it is you that asked about it up thread Spanna then I will report back when he arrives home Thursday but as he has neither called nor texted I assume he's having fun. Most post GCSE 16 Year olds in his year are doing it and have only heard good things, plus it is great for college applications.)

DD has gone swimming with her friend. Since we got home she has stayed in bed till lunchtime, rolled her eyes when I ask her to get her own breakfast or help me reach / lift / move something then headed off with her friends. Not much help. WB has taken on the cooking and cleaning and I have done an online shop, and today am tackling my outstanding paperwork one-handed but am so fed up and not had a bath / hairwash since Saturday night as need dd to help me wash hair etc so suspect I smell like LaLa's pup.

If any of you medical types have care tips for a broken elbow please share. It was so busy in hospital Sunday that I didn't get much info on care, was just told it was broken and given a sling and a follow up appointment in 2 week's time. So Wry if any tips on what I can / can't do? Do I have to keep the sling on all the time? When can I drive? Will I damage it if I use it? (don't mind tolerating pain if it isn't harming me. It is a stable sort of fracture, I think they said 'radial head' and I don't want to lose what movement I have).

Elba well done to you at the wedding, masterful control of the wine witch there! Baby, glad to hear you are back on track and if you want a diet buddy I am mostly living off soup and bagged salads I can shake out with one hand, so ... every cloud etc

Ma fingers crossed for your funding xxx PM me. I have heard I am in the frame for some consultancy work at the place I've just finished with - won't hear till September but that suits as am out of action in August. And working for a lovely little company which is in education / special needs sector. They have a limited budget but feel I can really help them make a difference so it is rewarding spiritually if not quite so much as my last job financially. All very up in the air but it is what it is right now

Joey well done on 8 weeks hon. And Mimsy hope you sort something out re: scars.

Thanks to all of you for your kind and sympathetic words.... going to stop now as don't want to overdo the typing just yet (I am a touch typer and cannot do the two fingered sort of typing!)

At least not drinking as cannot go out and buy booze and also terrified of falling again

laladidah · 02/08/2016 14:21

Hey hope, hope you aren't in too much pain. Now I am not a medical type, but I broke my shoulder a few years ago (wasn't drunk but dined out on the ridiculous series of events that led to that for sometime!).

I had the same sort of experience as you. Although I broke it in a different city and had to drive back to mine to go and get it checked properly i can confirm that driving with a broken left shoulder is not a fun experience, literally cried every gear change.

When I finally got back and sat in a&me for a further 5 hours with sodding pictures of my sodding X-Ray's from my first funfilled a&e trip they gave me a proper support sling, one of the blue adjustable ones rather than the piece of cotton they gave me at the first place (which looked suspiciously like one I used to use to practise for my medical badgey what's it when I was at brownies over twenty years ago!), and told me to come back in two weeks. They did tell me not to drive as it would invalidate my insurance if I had an accident, but just googled for you and dvla say that you have to inform them if you are unable to drive for three months at least Hmm helpful, eh?

I would stay off the driving, as it will put unease art strain on it, but doc advised to try and keep doing stuff as normal to keep the healing process going (yeah, try doing that with a big fat sling on). They also told me to wear the sling at all times, even at night, so basically didn't sleep for about a month as there is no way you can sleep with your arm strapped to your chest! Sorry, not being very positive... Oh the upside, when out and about, people were very helpful opening doors and carrying stuff when they saw the sling, so every cloud.

Not sure if you are working atm, but my workplace had to check their insurance policy and said basically if anything happened (I work in an environment where bumps and stuff are likely to happen), then they wouldn't be liable, so it was at my own risk that I continued to come in. Might be worth speaking to someone if that is the case? Or have a jolly few weeks of lazing about!

Anyway, that's my long winded experience of what happened... Forgot to add that at the first a&e when I told the doctor I thought it was broken, he gave me a hard stare, told me it wasn't. He then instructed me to lift my arm as high as it would go, I managed about as far as my hips, at which point he grapped my arm and lifted it over my head. I have never ever in my life repeated the language I used then. It may have involved the c word Blush he seemed quite disappointed when the X-ray showing the break turned up. I was unlucky as every other time I have had to use the Nhs they have been fab!

So to conclude my essay, try not to drive, keep sling on, take lots of lovely painkillers, and let all others around you wait upon you hand and foot.

You can probably tell I am bored, waiting for the rain to stop so I can take Lala pup out for walkies. She has a horrible tendency to plonk herself down and refuse to move when it is rainy. I am definitely going to embarrass her and make her wear her raincoat though. Oh the humiliation! And rest assured, there is no way on god's green earth that you can smell as bad as her (unless of course, you too have been rolling in fox shit!).

Hope that is some sort of help, guess someone else far more knowledgable and experienced than me will be able to help. Flowers and Cake and Brew for you. It's horrible feeling so bloody useless (not the right word, but you know what I mean!), isn't it? Xx

Elba84 · 02/08/2016 14:52

hope did they not give you any advice or advice sheets at all??! If so that's not good enough. I would phone the fracture clinic, say you were given no advice at all and at the very least want to speak to someone on the phone. Two weeks is too long to wait. As it's not immobilised it would imply that they would be keen on some degree of early mobilisation BUT they need to confirm this (there are different classifications of radial head fractures), and give you advice on what movements to do, how often etc. I really think you need to push to get some advise or even be seen before two weeks! Definitely no driving for the moment though. As for trying, what about looking for a dictation app? Flowers

lala how you feeling after your AF day? Hope pup enjoys her walk...I have borrowed the laziest dog ever a friends pup for the afternoon but she has done nothing but snore since she got here!

Had first therapy appointment this morning, she seemed nice but quite intense, but will stick with it and keep an open mind. Quite drained now, would love to dive head first into a vat of wine but I've declared this an AF day and am going to stick to it, otherwise it just proves I have no control whatsoever.

Elba84 · 02/08/2016 14:53

Sorry should of been as for typing, not trying hope!

laladidah · 02/08/2016 15:02

elba I am feeling good. Just met the mister for lunch, and now to put the dog's embarrassing coat on for her walk. Haha evil puppy mum

How are you doing, lovely? Your advice was so much better than mine!!! Obviously.

No wine for you. Be strong. How about raspberry lemonade? I know I have mentioned it before, but it is just the right level of sugar to replace the ones you would get from alcohol. And is bloody lovely. Glad it went well at the counsellor. Proud of you. You seem to be in so much of a better place lately Smile

Right, doggie walks. I shall post a photo of her in her embarrassing coat!

laladidah · 02/08/2016 16:14

As promised. Didn't last long...

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