Why does he not seem to want sex, be attracted, show desire for me as much as he used to?

[showsomeclass]

Ok, my post might seem light hearted (deliberately), but it really is bothering me.

We've been together about 2 1/2 years and of course, in the early days (definitely first year, and up to year 2 maybe), we were all over each other. When he kissed me hello or goodbye, it was passionate - always.

We'd have sex during the afternoon. We'd have sex in the lounge. When out at a night out or at a party, we'd spend hours flirting with each other, heightening the sexual tension - then when we got home we'd spend a long time 'appreciating' each other.

Personally, and admittedly maybe because I'm female, his outward interest in me physically and intimately was a huge way of getting a basic need met of both feeling wanted, loved - and also a physical sexual need.

Lately, (past 6 - 9 months), his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger. He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer. We used to send each other naughty text messages... now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply or it's non reciprocal in that way

When I can see an obvious opportunity for us to have some 'fun time' together, he'll put on a film and fall asleep, or suggest going for a walk.

This might sound extremely selfish or self-orientated, but I'm not used to this! Every man I have been with has wanted sex a lot lot more. We don't live together and only see each other weekends. Tonight, he came over to help me fix something I couldn't do myself and cook me dinner. He rarely comes over during the week. So I dressed in something very feminine (well it has been hot!!), did my hair, refreshed my makeup - you know, made a sexy effort without being OTT.

Did he make any attempts? Nope. Yes he hugged me lovingly, and held my face and kissed me gently on the lips. But nothing more

I feel like a man! I've never had this problem before and I don't know what to do about it! He is a big alpha male and has probably had women throwing themselves at him previously and as I was a bit more of a challenge for him, I don't want to start constantly being the one to make the moves which will either result in me being rejected and feeling like shit, or turning him off even more.

I want him to be excited to see/be with me again! I want him to kiss me passionately in the afternoon again. I want him to spend time showing me he is attracted to me. I also think I just have a high sex drive and often come away from the weekend I spend with him feeling sexually frustrated!!

Am I living in fantasy land and/or just used to having it a certain way that I have done previously?

I'm shy by the way - so can't just talk to him about it...

Help!!

I can't believe noone has suggested he's depressed. The meditation for anxiety/self esteem and change in sex drive screamed it.

Long story short, are you happy to have sex once a week for the foreseeable if he makes it clear it's not you/you get some sort of reassurance?

Sorry Jessica - what shit? Surely all relationships have problems... I'm interested to know what you call shit though

Hi TheVicarOf

I think it's convenient and quicker and easier probably... I'd say he's using it two or three times a week. The days I'm not there basically. I certainly hope he's not using it when I am!! I really don't think he is though...

If he's doing porn 2/3 times the only having sex with you once that's still a decent amount of coming! Is he open with his porn use? I'd suggest he lays of it and concentrates on you, and be clear how it affects you. The porn apologists will be along shortly to tell you otherwise, but I've been on here long enough to see how adversely it can affect even the tightest relationships. It can be a major intimacy killer. No good.

Hi ZooLane

I did think that too.. he is under extreme pressure and has recently told me how difficult he is finding honouring commitments to his ex and DD, amongst other things

Yes, if that was the case I would be. He provides me with so much love and care and affection in other ways

Hi TheVicarOf

No he's not open about it... I only know because I stumbled across it accidentally when he left a browser open on his iPad, but after that, I started looking for it - so I can't really bring it up as it would mean admitting doing a bit of snooping..

Not sure how I deal with that one, but I want to

Your changing your story as you don't want to believe he has gone off you . I'm sorry op but the first responses are pretty spot on . He has gone off you . If you don't see each other all week then I'd expect when u do see each other to be immediately ripping each other's clothes off . 2.5 years is still the honeymoon period and me and dh were like teenagers (still are really) at that point of relationship . I'm sorry op but he is trying to let you down gently

Bloke here, who has been in this situation. You need to have that conversation and to decode the answers astutely. The fact that he enjoys porn means he's interested in sex, but not necessarily with you to the extent you need or want. For some guys, and a smaller number of women, variety is the spice of life so pointing out that he has a willing partner already simply misses the point. If he's one of these people then you have to ascertain whether he's sufficiently into you sexually to give you what you need, or whether he is going to remain at the once per week minimum while satisfying himself with wanking the rest of the time. This is not a moral issue, just one of compatibility. Many blokes eventually find a woman with whom they are sexually compatible enough to keep an exciting sex life going for a long time. But the fact that you had a good time together initially is no guarantee of this. He may be someone who just can't stay interested in one woman for the long term, or you may not be that person. Or perhaps it's some other issue, but you have to ask him even if you start gradually. The fact that you're good friends should help make the conversation more comfortable but it won't make it easy.

Sounds like a perfectly normal relationship.

I'm just over two years in and we fluctuate between every four days and every three weeks. Much more like weekly on average but he is a bit depressed and unfulfilled on the work front at the moment, it kills his sex drive but then he never had a particularly high one.

Perhaps your bloke watches porn in the week because 1) he can 2) he's unable to sleep 3) it cheers him up.

I don't think I'd be disappointed if I could say I was going to get it weekly for the rest of my life though!!!

Thank you dogfish for your clear and honest opinion

I do get it and I'm glad you actually realise it's not always a comfortable conversation for everybody to have

I was considering writing it out in an email first and then talking with him about it that night but after reading your post, I wouldn't get that initial natural response from him

FrogsLegs - it sounds like you're very compatible in that way then which is great. Maybe he's just not making me happy rather than me worrying about whether I am him! So many maybes, and I know talking about it is the only real way to begin to get a solution either way. I just don't want to talk about it haha - but I will have to

Farmerswife I don't agree. Maybe a year ago, but we are very solid. The loving, affectionate side has only increased and I can tell it's really coming from within as he is different with how he opens up to me and shares personal thoughts - much more than he used to

I can see why people would make that assumption though

Tell him you'd like to spice things up and try and explore any fantasies he has.

You are too keen and he's become too sure of you. He has nothing to work for anymore in terms of wooing you. If I were you I would gently pull back a bit, just enough for him to sit up and notice, and would let him come to me again on his own accord. It is not as calculated as it sounds but surely you don't want to become too much, and too little effort for him.

guilty Hmmm.. I think there is a lot to be said for that and would probably be the advice I would give someone else

So by pulling back do you mean being less available? Giving him less attention when we're together? Be busy/distracted when we're together? It's hard when we have our set times to be together that neither of us have ever broken.. so to pull back when we're together may come across as being off / cold

Yes but basically he is doing the same. He is pulling back.

Just cool off a bit. Still be friendly, polite and loving towards him but don't offer yourself on a silver plate, and see where it takes you. Stop the flirty, sexual texts and see if he misses them and does anything about it. Let him kiss/ hug you first. Don't climb all over him and initiate sex, see if he will initiate it first. Just things like that.

Oh forgot to say, my other half would have found sexy texts a bit gross at any stage. Not everyone likes that or has to like that to be "normal".

I suspect your bloke just doesn't like sexy texts at all.

I can't help thinking that he's left several relationships, if he's cooled off why would he have stayed so long? But you're right, you'll never get to the bottom of it without talking to him.

OP I can't believe a year down the line you still can't have an adult conversation with him and are instead considering playing games and making yourself less available....which seems a bit counterproductive if you're still only seeing him at weekends!

It really shouldn't be this difficult and if it is it's usually a sign that something needs addressing. Sticking your head in the sand is only prolonging the issue. I'm not saying end it, but I'd seriously have a long hard think about why you're putting his needs above yours to the detriment of your own happiness?

Recently read a quote by Nina Simone which was helpful to me in a similar situation:
“You've got to learn to leave the table
When love's no longer being served".”

Out of interest, is it gay porn or straight porn? I went through something very similar with my ex, and after the honeymoon period wore off he was still caring and affectionate and we got along brilliantly, but the sex tailed right off. 20 years later he came out, but not before it ruined my self esteem.

Straight porn Lelly - and quite tame as well. Nothing crazy dirty or weird which makes me think it's just to get a quick fix. Still - not very fair on me!

Right - I'm going to talk to him about it face to face and also address the porn issue. If he loves me (which I believe he does) he'll listen and care about my feelings and hopefully be honest about it! I'll do it on Friday as I can't go another weekend with it on my mind

If it goes well in general, hopefully it will make me feel (and him) safe to open up more in future too. I know how important it is

You do need to have the conversation. If you bottle out if it again, I don't think he's the right man for you. It should be easy to talk to your partner, not something you've spent over a year thinking about bringing up.

It seems you're too scared to bring it up in case he says it's over.