Why does he not seem to want sex, be attracted, show desire for me as much as he used to?

[showsomeclass]

Ok, my post might seem light hearted (deliberately), but it really is bothering me.

We've been together about 2 1/2 years and of course, in the early days (definitely first year, and up to year 2 maybe), we were all over each other. When he kissed me hello or goodbye, it was passionate - always.

We'd have sex during the afternoon. We'd have sex in the lounge. When out at a night out or at a party, we'd spend hours flirting with each other, heightening the sexual tension - then when we got home we'd spend a long time 'appreciating' each other.

Personally, and admittedly maybe because I'm female, his outward interest in me physically and intimately was a huge way of getting a basic need met of both feeling wanted, loved - and also a physical sexual need.

Lately, (past 6 - 9 months), his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger. He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer. We used to send each other naughty text messages... now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply or it's non reciprocal in that way

When I can see an obvious opportunity for us to have some 'fun time' together, he'll put on a film and fall asleep, or suggest going for a walk.

This might sound extremely selfish or self-orientated, but I'm not used to this! Every man I have been with has wanted sex a lot lot more. We don't live together and only see each other weekends. Tonight, he came over to help me fix something I couldn't do myself and cook me dinner. He rarely comes over during the week. So I dressed in something very feminine (well it has been hot!!), did my hair, refreshed my makeup - you know, made a sexy effort without being OTT.

Did he make any attempts? Nope. Yes he hugged me lovingly, and held my face and kissed me gently on the lips. But nothing more

I feel like a man! I've never had this problem before and I don't know what to do about it! He is a big alpha male and has probably had women throwing themselves at him previously and as I was a bit more of a challenge for him, I don't want to start constantly being the one to make the moves which will either result in me being rejected and feeling like shit, or turning him off even more.

I want him to be excited to see/be with me again! I want him to kiss me passionately in the afternoon again. I want him to spend time showing me he is attracted to me. I also think I just have a high sex drive and often come away from the weekend I spend with him feeling sexually frustrated!!

Am I living in fantasy land and/or just used to having it a certain way that I have done previously?

I'm shy by the way - so can't just talk to him about it...

Help!!

Has he asked you to move in? any signs of commitment ?

Jemmima
Your views are very assumptious
Just because that the passion is less doesn't mean he has it but directing somewhere else.
Very simplistic view of man's needs and wants
Also in regards to proposing and living together
Does it not occur that some people been there already and got the tshirt?
Some men are too negative and see marriage as a decline of relationship altogether, especially due to previous experiences

I think very different dynamics and timescales of relationship applie to people already married before and have children from previous relationship, as opposed to free and single childless ones

I may be way off beam here and am very happy to be so, but check out his credentials against asperger traits. It's an incredibly broad continuum. If you've been his special interest then he will have been totally focused on you. Until you're not.It may be that he loves you and you have a nice routine and rhythm which suits him. Can you really talk to him? Do you feel heard and understood? Does he do 'emotion' without sex being involved?
Just a thought.

I had the same thing with my partner op and I did speak to I'm about it and he just said his sex drive goes up and down alot. He loves me and we are planning a future together. He is the one walking about buying guide a house and "when we have kids" type chat. I have a high sex drive and his is much lower, he sees the time where I think we could be having sex as relaxing time to watch a film and switch off from work. Last night he couldn't get enough of me! 2 weeks ago he wasn't so fussed. So I do not agree with the first couple of posters, I think you're sex drive is alot higher plus after the honeymoon period it doesnt happen so often. Sex isn't the best all and end all, I would say leave if you aren't getting any but you are. I think it will be fine x

Boojum...

No he isn't having last minute nerves. Our wedding is in 18 months time.

I appreciate that you're trying to help but being male doesn't mean that you know what is going on in every single other male's head.

Just as I can't talk for every woman (which would be completely absurd given how different each of us are) you can't talk for every man.

You should definitely talk to him about it. The foundations of a successful marriage are built on communication so you need to be able to sit down and talk about whatever is bothering you.

I spoke to my DP and for us it was a combination of things we're going through a stressful time: I was made redundant and he lost his job in the same week plus we're both tired a lot at the moment for various reasons. Also he said he probably came across as having a higher sex drive in our early relationship than he actually does as he said he thinks he used to use being sexual as a sort of defence mechanism after being hurt badly in a previous relationship.

He definitely (I am 100% confident) isn't having second thoughts or anything like that. He has just proposed and is actively wanting to plan the wedding do all sorts of research. He's adamant that marriage is for life so it's not as though he's just thinking he'll give it a go and get divorced if it doesn't work out....

What's stopping you from asking him about it?

I would also agree with Mackerel.

You need to re-centre this discussion onto your needs and wants. Too often women have been socialised to think first and foremost about 'whether he likes me'.

Put to one side for a second worrying about whether he finds you attractive, what he wants and what is going on in his head. Re-focus on yourself.

Let's assume this level of sex drive could be the norm going forward: will it meet your needs for the rest of your life?

In my case the answer is yes because I have a low sex drive due to my anti-depressants. I have bipolar disorder so will always have to be on them.

What's your answer?

Hmmm good point Stumbly

The good news is, Saturday night was 'fun' ;-)

Bad news is, I didn't talk to him :-(

He actually seemed really down just in general. I asked him if he was ok and he kept saying he just didn't feel too well. We went out for drinks with some friends on Friday night, and I overheard him having a conversation with one if his friends and heard him say he wasn't in a very good place at the moment.

I'm starting to think he may have depression, or just going through a hard time at the moment and didn't want to force him to talk about it.

This sounds like a cop out and it really isn't, but I'll leave it until the end of next weekend and if he's still like it I'll try and talk to him. I don't want him to feel like I'm going on the attack, or he's inadequate in any way at a time when he could be feeling shit. So I need to try and create an atmosphere that he feels safe to open up to me

In answer to what my answer would be... Not if this is how he is, with me, standard. But if he's going through a hard time in himself and that is the reason for his lack-lustre behaviours, then of course I want to support him and not bail out at the first time he's not his best.

Perhaps if you overheard that don't start off the talk with sex but about how he is in general...you've noticed a change in him recently and you weren't trying to overhear the conversation but did accidentally hear him say he wasn't in a good place. Remind him that he can talk to you about anything.

Then see what comes up...

But of an update - I stayed at his house last night and we were just chatting, and he mentioned that he was looking into a certain type of meditation. After talking a bit more, it seems he is very serious about it and has booked a session with a teacher - he even showed me information on it online and the main things it says it helps with are self-esteem (which if you met him you'd think he had an abundance of!), anxiety and general happiness

Whilst he didn't go into detail with me about why (what seems to me) the sudden decision to do this, I am pleased he has told me about it - but a little upset that he hasn't spoken to me about it before now or been able to talk to me about why he feels he wants/needs to

If there is an underlying problem he is experiencing, this would certainly explain all of the above. I'm just sad we don't seem to be connected enough to have talked about it before now and even now that we have, not in much detail on the thoughts and feelings side of things as to the cause

Thoughts?

bit haha - flipping iPad!

I think you know the answer to all of this op and this is why you posted in the first place. Your instincts are telling you that he is backing off and you are searching for other reasons for his behaviour.

The relationship has not really progressed and although you say you like things as they are, what you say tends to tell us that you are insecure about this.

Although you have heard things on this thread you do not want to hear, well that is the nature of posting for opinions.

I don't want to be harsh but I agree with the male poster here. I am sorry but you need to have that talk. He is trying to tell you.

Well I disagree with PP
You lot seem very shallow and just exclude possibility maybe,JUST MAYBE ,OP's partner has real issues outside of relationship and is not in a good place at the moment to progress relationship .He might have financial troubles,emotional issues, you name it. Some men find it really difficult to talk about personal problems with a partner because they afraid they would be seem less of a man and generally don't like to ask for help.

You still need that conversation. Also your opening post focuses on sex. Perhaps you two had a strong physical attraction, but not much else in common? Now the 'honeymoon' period is over, there's not a lot left to build a meaningful relationship on? I agree that you might be looking for excuses to justify his recent cooling off. If you suggested a temporary break, what do you honestly think he would say?

Princess thank you!

I cannot believe the negativity from a lot of people here. I'd love to know their personal relationship status' and backgrounds.

I genuinely believe there is more to him and he finds it hard to talk to anyone, especially me! In the earlier days, even when he had a cold and was just slightly down, he was afraid of me seeing him in this way.. Ie, not at his best. (His words)

He texted me out of the blue earlier saying he loves me billions - we have just booked a holiday to the USA in April next year and he wants me to go to a wedding with him this weekend. If he really wanted rid, he wouldn't do any of those things.

Yes my original post was about sex and the answers have escalated into something totally different. A lot of them have really opened my eyes, but the rest of 'us' is just too good to simply throw away at the first sign of 'trouble in paradise'. I think I'd regret that more

Cary I'm not looking for excuses. I'm looking for reasons - that is completely different. I'm trying to open myself up to other possibilities that might not be all about me and as black and white as what people seem to be assuming.

If I suggested a break, I think that would be the last I would see of him - but because he'd be hurt that I dumped him or wanted a break when potentially, and especially after learning what I have learnt, he needs me most. If you were going through a tough time, were embarrassed to talk about it and the person closest to you walked away because you weren't getting enough attention from them when you actually needed to feel like they were there for you more than ever - how would you feel?

In response to the marriage/cohabiting thing - we have both been there before - me two long term relationships and him one marriage with a child, and he still talks about the pain of breaking up, the feeling of failure to the DC and the amount of money he has and will have to pay for a very long time. Neither of us want to get married again - we have had that conversation and are in total agreement on it. He has said he would do our own version of it which, in his words, would be a much more meaningful event

We haven't yet discussed living together, apart from when I mentioned my DC's are older than his and I might be on my own when they leave home, he said of course I wouldn't be. I want to enjoy what we have today for as long as possible. I just felt when I originally posted this I felt a shift in our bedtime dynamic and wondered if anyone had experienced the same thing and was looking for ideas on how to approach it and what could be the issue, not for support with breaking up with him. I'm a very loyal person and couldn't do that without concrete evidence that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship - even if I am wrong in the end

I know the majority are going to read this and think I am a fool. If I come back in a year and say you were right all along I'll buy you all a drink

Well, it's been a year since I wrote this post. Update!!

Our relationship has developed strongly. Gradually, but strongly. We are pretty solid and still very much loved up

We do talk more, about how we feel about things and we have got a lot closer

Sex is still a problem though and I just don't know why. When we have it, it's great! Am I just being childish and wanting the romance of when you first meet someone back? Frequency is once a week, but the content is not what it used to be

The other major problem is that I never spoke to him about it either. I don't know why I don't feel like I can. I can tell him about anything else but when it comes to things like this (awkward...) I just freeze and put it off and tell myself "I'll do it on Friday" - then there is never the right moment

If I do have the conversation, and it doesn't change, then what? I guess that's what I'm afraid of

I find our relationship totally fulfilling in fun, love, friendship - and when we have it, sexually. I'm just feeling unwanted and I'm missing the intimacy that good sex provides

Welcome back OP & glad things are by and large going well. I do think you need to have the sex conversation though. He may be feeling exactly the same. Once a week wouldn't be enough for most & he may be too embarrassed to tell you how he feels as well.

If you can, why not arrange a weekend away, alone, few glasses of wine, write down 10 things each you'd like to try & pull 3 or 4 them out of the pot each night.

Good luck

Thanks Naze

I like your idea :)

I do still need to have the conversation though. I've tried instigating more, bought some silly games, sexy underwear etc, but it just makes me feel like I'm making all the effort and almost persuading him into it which makes me feel worse. At least if I talk to him I can tell him how I feel, then maybe he'll 'step up' a bit more

I have no idea how to say it all though without being confrontational or blaming him. Can someone write me a script?! (joke)

Actually, I did have an idea to put it all in an email on the morning I am next with him. Then at least that evening he will already know what I'm thinking and it will be easier to talk about

Coward's way around it, but it might work?

Go for it OP.

Some people are just not that interested in the sexual side of things.

This is the thing CV893 - I know he is, as I have found porn sites on his browser quite often. (Not from when we're together I hasten to add)

I don't personally judge people for anything - so what he does is up to him, but if it takes away from our relationship, then it is a problem. I think because I know about this, it makes me feel unattractive, or unable to excite him in that way anymore :(

Ohhh, this going to open a whole new can of worms!

I can't believe you have put up with another year of his shit

I was just coming on to say I bet he's more into porn. I'd bet my last dollar on that being his problem, he just prefers getting his sexual kicks that way. How often is he using it to get off?