Why does he not seem to want sex, be attracted, show desire for me as much as he used to?

[showsomeclass]

Ok, my post might seem light hearted (deliberately), but it really is bothering me.

We've been together about 2 1/2 years and of course, in the early days (definitely first year, and up to year 2 maybe), we were all over each other. When he kissed me hello or goodbye, it was passionate - always.

We'd have sex during the afternoon. We'd have sex in the lounge. When out at a night out or at a party, we'd spend hours flirting with each other, heightening the sexual tension - then when we got home we'd spend a long time 'appreciating' each other.

Personally, and admittedly maybe because I'm female, his outward interest in me physically and intimately was a huge way of getting a basic need met of both feeling wanted, loved - and also a physical sexual need.

Lately, (past 6 - 9 months), his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger. He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer. We used to send each other naughty text messages... now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply or it's non reciprocal in that way

When I can see an obvious opportunity for us to have some 'fun time' together, he'll put on a film and fall asleep, or suggest going for a walk.

This might sound extremely selfish or self-orientated, but I'm not used to this! Every man I have been with has wanted sex a lot lot more. We don't live together and only see each other weekends. Tonight, he came over to help me fix something I couldn't do myself and cook me dinner. He rarely comes over during the week. So I dressed in something very feminine (well it has been hot!!), did my hair, refreshed my makeup - you know, made a sexy effort without being OTT.

Did he make any attempts? Nope. Yes he hugged me lovingly, and held my face and kissed me gently on the lips. But nothing more

I feel like a man! I've never had this problem before and I don't know what to do about it! He is a big alpha male and has probably had women throwing themselves at him previously and as I was a bit more of a challenge for him, I don't want to start constantly being the one to make the moves which will either result in me being rejected and feeling like shit, or turning him off even more.

I want him to be excited to see/be with me again! I want him to kiss me passionately in the afternoon again. I want him to spend time showing me he is attracted to me. I also think I just have a high sex drive and often come away from the weekend I spend with him feeling sexually frustrated!!

Am I living in fantasy land and/or just used to having it a certain way that I have done previously?

I'm shy by the way - so can't just talk to him about it...

Help!!

I'm a woman and I agree with the original responses. I've done it in the past as well when there wasn't anybody new immediately on the horizon and I had the time to wait out the other person. Yes, criticize all you want but the blokes are right - he's out. No amount of talking or sexy underwear will change that. Let him go and don't run after him. If you think anything else you're fooling yourself. Watch 'he's not that into you' ;-) even though the ending is bullshit lots of what's in that movie is true.

Ok - I think i need some time to process this... the major majority are saying he's out and just passing time with me

I'm finding that really difficult to take in, but maybe you're all right

I'm guessing that if I confronted him with this, he'll still deny it, but continue the way he is until I end it or he meets someone else?

My God, I never thought posting what I did last night would end up here!

I don't know, in my relationship it's the other way round. I don't want to be with him any less or anything but I've found that level of comfortable where I don't need or want to be jumping on him all the time, I'm secure in the relationship, and it's more than just sex now, spending time with him is just as pleasant. Sex just isn't top of my priority list.

I don't think it's necessarily that. After a while things can just get comfortable. Whereas you want/envisage passionate honeymoon period to last forever he's moved on from that and is more settled. It's bollocks that men are always up for it. I've been through it of sorts with dh and felt rejected. He initiated more when I was less bothered (but still making an effort appearance wise). Don't jump on every opportunity.

I disagree with pp quite strongly. I'm quite a physical person but my desire comes and goes. I always fancy dh but don't always want the physical side. He seems to be the same. Sometimes I don't even like to be touched

Don't make any.major decisions based on the view of strangers. You really need to try and initiate a conversation about this

Lots of things can affect libido. Tiredness/stress/grief. My DH can go from initiating once a fortnight (too long imo), to suddenly wanting it 5 days in a row. It doesn't have to mean anything.

But after 2.5 years together, you have every right to ask him. And give him an out card. See if he takes the opportunity. I don't think he will.

I am amazed, that anyone would go cold on a Partner, in the hope that they would get dumped. That would be an awfully protracted way of doing things! And in this case, there are no assets to split, no new accommodation to find, they don't share kids. A split would be quick and clean. And yet he hasn't dumped the Op.

In my most recent relationship sex waned after a couple of years and had virtually stopped by the time we split up after four. He was still telling me that he loved me more than ever and that it was the best relationship he'd ever had. I then found out he'd been cheating. I'm not suggesting that your partner would do that but with some men I think they separate love and sex. It's as though the more intimate a relationship becomes on an emotional level, the less turned on they are by you. Perhaps we become like their mothers!

This may be completely off the mark but it's something to think about.

Husky - I think I might be overthinking it. I'm sure other posters will think I'm now trying to sweep a problem under the carpet and that I should dump him instantly and move on (which had never even entered my head!!)

Come to think about it, he does go through phases. Some weekends it can be two or three times in a day. Some weekends (rarely) not at all - he is going through quite a lot at the moment personally with a work issue. I think I may be being sensitive (which I can be at times......)

And I thought the same - it would be very easy to end it with me. I don't live in the same town, we don't share the same friends, don't own property, have kids etc. All he'd need to do is stop calling and replying to messages - I'd soon get the message and no, he hasn't - quite the opposite

Thanks Husky - you've made me feel much more positive about things

Showsomeclass, you are clutching at straws I'm afraid, stumblymonkey's situation is totally different, its just pre-wedding nerves in my opinion, your guy hasn't got pre-anything nerves, he's just cooling right down, sorry but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Boojum
You are very irritating and pushy in your opinion
People are different, their ideas of stable relationship are different. Don't judge everyone by yourself!
I tend to agree with what scarlettblue said .

I think men go through phases like women depends on their health/stress levels and so on, it might not be anything bad

OP,

I know your not happy with what most people including myself are saying here .... so put those things to one side for a minute .... let's assume he's still into you, then it could be he may just not want sex as much as you do anymore.

Regardless of the 'why', if it continues like this will you be happy with the amount of sex? Or him not responding to your texts and pulling away when you kiss him? I suspect not.

You will never always know why someone behaves in a certain way, but if you don't like it, if it has a negative effect on you or if it makes you unhappy, you make your decision based on that.

Incompatable sex drives cause problems in relationships, so if at the point of marriage there's a mismatch that one person isn't happy with .... I don't see that being a happy marriage if it continues like that.

if he's still

Another possibility that I don't think has been brought up yet is that you're dealing with the madonna-whore issue in one of its many permutations; or, related, where the adult-adult dynamic becomes child-parent, or child-adult.

All of these become sexless because of unconscious factors arising, where past relationships are relived in the present.

Desire is suppressed when, in a dark recess of you're mind, you're regressed and your partner has become your mother/sibling. This often happens when intimacy deepens, because increased intimacy starts to enliven these hidden parts of us.

I would say the behaviour could mean:

1. There has always been a bit of a mismatch somewhere that didn't matter at the beginning in the first flush of excitement, but now it is starting to grate, and because you can't talk about sex, etc - there is no way of doing anything about it. By mismatch, it could be that the kind of language you use or whatever is something he doesn't like. For example I have known of men who get really put off by whacky & weird, porno cliche, tears and tantrums, etc.
2. Something has happened and he sees you in a different light. Perhaps you were his 'dream fantasy woman' and the reality has set it. Perhaps he has some issue and doesn't trust you - for example, you may have told him about a shag you had with an ex or something and he can't get it out of his head and is holding a massive grudge. Maybe he is shallow and gets bored easily.
3. Something is bothering him in his own life which has made him lose his drive, but he hasn't talked to you about it - ie - it might have nothing to do with you.
4. He knows you have a high sex drive and he feels under pressure to perform. The amount of sex you want isn't sustainable for him. The more he senses he is letting you down/you let out subtle frustrated ticks, the more his drive withers and he feels like a sexless monk.

There are other possibilities of course, but you will never know unless you are able to have a frank conversation about it. I disagree with the posters that say it can only mean one thing - that he is trying to end it. Many people do that - especially when they are in their teens/early twenties, but usually are a bit more mature about it when they are close to knocking thirty and beyond.
What ever the case - you need to be able to talk about it with him.

@princessmi12 ( a legend in her own mind obviously )
Thank you for those few kind words, may I remind you that I am writing as a man, with a man's mentality, a man's memories and male friends. I am writing from experience, not theory or wishful thinking, I have seen men do this to girlfriends many times. OK don't believe me, I don't know you or the OP, but time will tell and if I could I would place a hefty bet on me being right, the relationship is going nowhere, he is fed up with the weekend routine, he sees no future in it, no change, no excitement, and he wants out, its as simple as that. Bye all, I'm out of here.

OP, I wonder if he's a thrill-of-the-chase type & the novelty has now worn off? Does he exhibit other thrill-seeking behaviours eg gambling, risky hobbies? Maybe he's bored once the initial euphoria of the relationship has worn off? And lost interest.?

The reason I ask is that I know several people with that personality type (you mentioned Alpha-male) both male & female, who have enjoyed the 1st year or two of a relationship, when it's fun & exciting, then become bored & all of them ended up cheating. They were just passing time with their husband/partner/GF until something better came along. It is more of a male behaviour trait than female.

I'd be sounding out his commitment (a short discussion about the future) & gauging his reaction).

If he doesn't seem ready to move forward or work at the issue, then I'd put a short timescale on it (3 months) & reassess.

Boojum
Different people have different sex drives
It's perfectly normal to be in honeymoon period for a while, but honeymoon doesn't last forever.
It's natural to loose a bit of excitement towards your partner after a while. The physical side of relationship can become routine, predictable and boring. That doesn't mean person emotionally checked out.
In fact the deeper emotional connection is between a couple the less important sex becomes. The bond formed keeps the couple together.

Boojum

I think it's great to have a male perspective on these things. It's quite valuable and helpful, I don't think you've been pushy.

OP - none of us here know you or your BF and are offering opinions based on what you've told us. Of course we don't know what's on his mind, but we're commenting based on experience and observation of relationships.

Talk to him, just tell him how you feel. If you can't talk to him after two and a half years, then you never will. Why are you scared to tell him what you've shared with us?

Sorry but sadly Boojum's perspective is what I have experienced. My STBXH told me things were fine, even when my heart and head were filled with doubts, and it turned out that he was living a double life for months.

I found out afterwards that it isn't uncommon for men to look for a 'soft landing' way out rather than be respecful and honest.

I'd sit him down and have it out with him. Where does he see things going in the future, why are you getting the sense that he's pulling away and would he like time apart?

If he's keen he will be shocked and will work to show his good intentions.

Ok - thank you everyone - including Boojum

You've all given me a lot to think about. There are obviously two issues. So the only way I can deal with it is to talk to him. lilacpink I think that is a really good idea.. If I casually float some ideas with him about the future, like moving in together, and gauge his reaction, this will tell me a lot. If he's open to conversation about it I can also mention the waning of sex and I think just seeing and feeling his reaction will give me a lot of clues.

I've wanted to be able to talk to him about both things anyway so I'll be killing two birds with one stone! If he doesn't want to take things further, then I'm in a dead end relationship for me and I'll need to reassess my own situation and probably move on - but if he's totally up for it and shocked at my doubts about him and what I think he wants (or doesn't want) then great! I've dealt with it and we can work on improving things

I plan to do this on Sunday (or Saturday night if alcohol gets the better of me haha) - I'll let you know what happens! Wish me luck

Good luck, hope the chat goes well. Whatever happens it will be better than all this stress and uncertainty.

I think it's perfectly normal for sex to wane a bit after a year or so. It has always happened to me. With someone I am very happy with the attraction might last as long as 2 years. Then for me the excitement goes and you adjust to it as you enter a long term relationship. The important thing is feeling the same thing at the same time.

Is he actively avoiding sex (big problem) or is he just wanting less sex (normal)?

Just wanting sex less justlikefire - gone from any opportunity to once a weekend. It's not just that though, he used to show attraction towards me a lot and not so much now.. And if I make a move on him, he doesn't respond so it's really only when he wants it.

Many people here think there's more to it, so going to psych myself up and talk to him about it over the weekend..

It's just horrible because I've never been in this situation before, and never been so scared of the answer before! The show has always been on the other foot

Ok OP do that chat but maybe better avoid drinking or at least don't initiate conversation when tipsy as things might go wrong