Why does he not seem to want sex, be attracted, show desire for me as much as he used to?

[showsomeclass]

Ok, my post might seem light hearted (deliberately), but it really is bothering me.

We've been together about 2 1/2 years and of course, in the early days (definitely first year, and up to year 2 maybe), we were all over each other. When he kissed me hello or goodbye, it was passionate - always.

We'd have sex during the afternoon. We'd have sex in the lounge. When out at a night out or at a party, we'd spend hours flirting with each other, heightening the sexual tension - then when we got home we'd spend a long time 'appreciating' each other.

Personally, and admittedly maybe because I'm female, his outward interest in me physically and intimately was a huge way of getting a basic need met of both feeling wanted, loved - and also a physical sexual need.

Lately, (past 6 - 9 months), his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger. He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer. We used to send each other naughty text messages... now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply or it's non reciprocal in that way

When I can see an obvious opportunity for us to have some 'fun time' together, he'll put on a film and fall asleep, or suggest going for a walk.

This might sound extremely selfish or self-orientated, but I'm not used to this! Every man I have been with has wanted sex a lot lot more. We don't live together and only see each other weekends. Tonight, he came over to help me fix something I couldn't do myself and cook me dinner. He rarely comes over during the week. So I dressed in something very feminine (well it has been hot!!), did my hair, refreshed my makeup - you know, made a sexy effort without being OTT.

Did he make any attempts? Nope. Yes he hugged me lovingly, and held my face and kissed me gently on the lips. But nothing more

I feel like a man! I've never had this problem before and I don't know what to do about it! He is a big alpha male and has probably had women throwing themselves at him previously and as I was a bit more of a challenge for him, I don't want to start constantly being the one to make the moves which will either result in me being rejected and feeling like shit, or turning him off even more.

I want him to be excited to see/be with me again! I want him to kiss me passionately in the afternoon again. I want him to spend time showing me he is attracted to me. I also think I just have a high sex drive and often come away from the weekend I spend with him feeling sexually frustrated!!

Am I living in fantasy land and/or just used to having it a certain way that I have done previously?

I'm shy by the way - so can't just talk to him about it...

Help!!

Hi OP,

I think boojum's thoughts are extremely well put. The idea of 'constructive dismissal' in a relationship is so spot-on, and a handy concept when 'passive aggressive' is difficult to grasp. It sounds as if this is exactly what your bf is doing. The reason he is 'going through the motions' with nice juice etc is that he does care about you, he doesn't want you to hurt, even though he is too cowardly to front up and tell you the relationship has run its course. This cowardice is because he also is selfish (as we all are) and doesn't want plates flying or to have evidence of your anger or sadness on his conscience. He doesn't want to have to cope with your reaction and tears! Heaven knows, he might actually have to deal with some guilt.

Unfortunately, most break-ups involve some, or all, of the above. And if he is the 'dumper' then he will have to face up to the idea that he will get flak from you, of whatever sort. He's an avoider, a non-confronter by nature, and he will try to get out of the consequences of his actions if he can.

This is not to say he is a horrible person. But it is obvious he is more prepared to spend 6-9months treading water than actually being honest with you. He is probably not being honest with himself. A lot of men end relationships when they have hitched themselves to another prospect, perhaps because they don't have the guts to end things honestly at the time they actually lose interest. That's a shame. It would be nice if there was more moral courage in this world.

Also, OP, re: your last post about 'casually mentioning stuff' about the future, maybe lightly dropping in a reference to sex etc. Don't do it to yourself! Tackle it head on! If he adores you and wants the relationship to continue, then this will not frighten him away. You are not endangering anything if you discuss it properly. Don't pretend you don't want to talk turkey when you really do want to talk turkey. Sit him down and tell him you have some real concerns about your relationship. Don't let him run away. You are the one with moral fibre here. Having a 'discussion' does not break up a relationship. If it ends afterwards, it is because he has checked out already, not because you had the audacity to have a proper grown-up converstation!

Beautifully put, Hillfarmer.

A proper talk will not scare him off unless it was heading that way anyway.

Hi HillFarmer

I do understand what Boojang says - I've even done it myself! I guess when I started this post, I hadn't thought that this is what HE was doing - I just thought I needed to step up a gear in the bedroom, or that my expectations in that department were too high. It has brought out a possibility that was totally not in my head and it seemed a very very negative way to suddenly put it down to and just 'end it' now because of it

Your last paragraph, thank you. You are totally right and I know it. This guy has completely got me on tender hooks (not intentionally as I have played it cool and been confident and independent from the beginning). I've let him do the chasing from day one, and let him progress the relationship at his pace as I had the strong feeling that (and from what he had told me about previous relationships) when a woman pushes him or does the chasing, it has the adverse affect on him even when he is totally into her. Must be a psychological thing. That's why I've avoided this conversation and that's why I'm afraid of having it.

Doing it the way I have has worked to a degree. The relationship HAS progressed and it is clear his feelings for me are genuine - it's just been a lot slower than what I would have liked and it seems silly to continue not expressing what I really want just because I'm afraid it might put him off. I've been trying to 'fit' him rather than asking myself whether he fits me! (Because I hold him so high on this ridiculous pedestal - sorry, getting cross with myself)

Ha - I never would have thought my initial post would have ended up talking about this!

OP, I think that the state of your self-esteem and your fear of the relationship ending is making you look for 'rational' explanations to tell you that everything is fine really and you're just on a blip in the bedroom.

From all that you have written here I (and the majority of others) believe that is wrong and that denying the evidence and well intentioned advice will keep you in a naive limbo of hope for a relationship that is waning. Here is your chance to take the upper hand and have control of your life. Take it. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Oh what happened with wanting to make relationship work? It seems such unpopular nowadays! Ye of course it's better to be single with head high or jump from one short tirm relationship to another because obviously there's a perfect loved up forever as if met yesterday partner waits for you around the corner

It's definitely a case of 'It's not you, it's him'!

I have always had this terrible thing of doing what you describe... being much more concerned about whether 'he' likes me, and forgetting to really consider whether 'he' is right for me. I got so caught up in the thrill of the chase and then 'winning', I lost sight of myself.

It's not just 'a psychological thing'. Well, if you put it that way then everything is a psychological thing! What I mean is we are all a product of our conditioning... and a misogynistc culture which disapproves of women doing any sort of chasing and not pretending to be chased. We have an inbuilt code against women showing sexual desire or openly going after what they want (brazen is a word that is applied to women here) in any area of life. Brazen is not a word that is applied to men, but if you tip your cap at a man, make them know you like them or heaven forfend, chase them instead of them chasing you, then small cultural condemnations are still made at some level. We feel them. Now we can all play fun, flirtatious games but there comes a time in a relationship (after a few months, maybe?) when you have to admit that you are not the bitch or the virgin, but an ordinary wonderful woman. Now I'm starting to sound like my 1983 copy 'Our Bodies, Ourselves' - but there's a lot to be said for it!

So yep, you are doing the typical thing of thinking only about what makes him tick, whether you need to 'step up a gear' in bed and trying to work out what his key is. Er, what about you?

Doing it the way I have has worked to a degree. The relationship HAS progressed and it is clear his feelings for me are genuine - it's just been a lot slower than what I would have liked and it seems silly to continue not expressing what I really want just because I'm afraid it might put him off.

This totally describes my way of 'getting' a relationship in my twenties. And it is bad because it means I was never true to myself. I would be attracted to someone and immediately kill it or kill my feelings for them because I didn't trust myself and got so twisted up that I couldn't let myself be soft or vulnerable. It became instinctive to strangle a relationship at birth rather than admit that I had needs and wants and desires that I was afraid would not be met. Hmm. That's enough about me! It's a tough one -by all means play the game of netting someone who wants to be netted, but by the time 2.5 years have gone by, the real you and the real him should be out and proud!

People need to get it out of their heads that an 'alpha' male has a sex drive that runs full bore wanting to fck 24/7 until he drops dead some time in his distant future. Many times such a man is driven by a societal expectation that he acts in JUST such a way. Simply, when he finds himself in a personal and loving relationship he will drop that 'social expectation facade' entirely. So, yes, he may well have 'moved on' from the OP as some people suggest or, more simply, he may simply be manifesting his personal 'normal' libido, minus any 'new relationship energy'.

Dad - I think that's a very good point.

OP,mi don't think you've mentioned your respective ages but it doesn't sound as if either of you are exactly teenagers with the sex drive to match? Dad makes a perfectly good point, maybe this is his normal?

Your bigger issue is that you have actively tried to fit a mould that you think he likes by being accommodating and undemanding but now it isn't making you so happy. Do talk to him but don't fogs mention sex as the issue. Say you are feeling as if he is not as keen as he once was and how does he see things progressing. Be aware though that having The Chat might end things whereas keeping quiet it could meander along for ages.

I hear what you're saying , Dad, and to a certain point I agree, but that doesn't really explain pulling back when giving a goodbye kiss or not responding to your GFs flirty text. There is no expectation of sex or for him perform at these times.

If I receive a flirty text from my DH, I would always respond even after nearly 20 years together. It doesn't mean I'm gonna be in the mood for sex that evening. If I sent him a similar message and got no reply on a few occasions, I'd be quite ticked off and it would reflect in my actions towards him.

The only rationale reason for the BF to not respond is that he's not bothered about it and doesn't want to have to respond in a reciprocal manner when he's not feeling it.

A very simple bit of self reflection here is "how would I feel if I sent her this text and she didn't reply".

Oh God
I love my DP very much, but there been occasions I didn't reciprocate to his advances and didn't reply to flirty messages .Does this mean I don't fancy him? No way

Thanks Dad - I'm so glad not everyone is on the 'dump him' rampage

I have to remember that when we were 'at it all the time' (sorry for the bluntness), we DIDN'T have the deeper level that we do now - that had to be developed. Back then, that's what I wanted to have and I suppose relationships develop as you settle into a more established, comfortable state. Some things you lose, but what you gain are much more valuable and important

When I said he doesn't respond to my flirty messages, he does respond TO them, just not in the same way. He'll laugh it off, or just say 'ill see you later then...' - he just doesn't get drawn into the details. And when he pulls away from the kiss, he doesn't literally push me away, he just ends the kiss in a normal way and doesn't stick his tongue down my throat

In the nicest possible way, you're backtracking.

From this.....
his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger
He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer

We used to send each other naughty text messages...
now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply
or
it's non reciprocal
When I said he doesn't respond to my flirty messages, he does respond TO them, just not in the same way. He'll laugh it off, or just say 'ill see you later then...' - he just doesn't get drawn into the details. And when he pulls away from the kiss, he doesn't literally push me away, he just ends the kiss in a normal way and doesn't stick his tongue down my throat.

To this. ...
his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger

He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer

We used to send each other naughty text messages

now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply
or
it's non reciprocal

You're trying to convince everyone including yourself it's not an issue, but you raised those very points as issues.

I interpret the pulling away and non reciprocal messages as a form of rejection and the person not being that into me ..... if you don't see it that way, then it's really not a problem.

If it was a one off then it's not an issue, but you've noticed this for 6 to 9 months now.

You don't have to dump him now. Try not sending the texts or not giving a lingering kiss or not being the one to initiate sex and see if he even notices. I'm not saying to be unpleasant to him, do all the normal stuff minus the above.

All to often digging into 'why' takes us off the actual issue.

If this is the new him and he says he loves you and all is well - and he is definitely into you

Are you happy with how he demonstates his love and attraction?

Lots of very sound advice and perspectives on here. You'll potentially know the truth when you talk (provided you're both honest). Then you'll actually see the truth by his actions.

His actions are currently making you have doubts. It's a hard line as you don't want to nag, but you're sensing a change and need to understand why. As I said before I'd go for the direct approach, as others have pointed out, if he ends things then they were already heading that way.

You may get reassurance, however, and perhaps he has worries that he doesn't want to worry you about that are distracting him.

from what he had told me about previous relationships when a woman pushes him or does the chasing, it has the adverse affect on him even when he is totally into her

This is very telling. He set out his stall right at the beginning and basically told you not to chase him. If you have wants and needs, you should suppress them for fear of coming across as 'needy' or 'pushy' and 'scaring him off'. So it seems like you've been modifying your behaviour based on this since the start of your relationship. As a result, you don't have any intimacy. You are at his arm's length and fearful of expressing your own needs.

I hear what you're saying , Dad, and to a certain point I agree, but that doesn't really explain pulling back when giving a goodbye kiss or not responding to your GFs flirty text. There is no expectation of sex or for him perform at these times.

Sex is desire, not simply fucking. If you just dont feel flirty, getting a flirty text is as good as getting a letter in the post. If you were not feeling horny before you kissed your partner goodbye, where is this sudden goodbye rush going to come from, the air?

Separate from that, low libido men and women will manifest identical 'intimate paralysis' behaviours where they act in such a way as to shut down the sexuality of their partners. They usually do this unconsciously.

Neither of these things could be the case in the OPs situation, you cant zero in on these things over the net, but they are very much real for both genders.

OP talk to him. It's been 2.5 years - you can say what you need to to him. If he thinks that's chasing or pressuring, tant pis.

Personally I have little respect for people who think they absolutely have the answer after a few words on a page. They might have a point, they might not but the whole "I'm a man and will explain to the little woman how a man thinks" is just irritating.

Technically I think I'm about 9 years into a 4 week break from a relationship. He didn't have the balls to end it properly and I wasn't going to do it for him. Some people are just cowards. But you're the one in this situation - talk to him.

I wouldn't offer an opinion on whether he is not into the OP, or whether he is just moving into a different phase of being less passionate all the time.

BUT

although relationships move in phases, being less passionate all the time doesn't mean being inattentive. the thing about saying "see you later" then to a sexy text is .... arguably.... a bit unkind and dismissive. I wouldn't like it, anyway. And the OP doesn't.

It may be time to decide whether or not this is the "new normal" that would make you happy, rather than to decide whether or not he is over you. who cares if he technically loves you or not? you decide if he is making you happy or not.

(I am a "do as I say" person - I have put up with shit like this for years)

To be honest it sounds like a marriage! :D

Seriously though - you need to talk about it with him or you'll never make any progress. If you're not comfortable enough to do that after a couple of years then you need to think about why that is. Shy or not, if you have a strong relationship you should be able to talk about anything or it's pretty much doomed...

There's always the "nuclear option" as a last resort (say you'll get it elsewhere) which tends to focus the mind one way or another... it worked for me. Probably not good as an opening gambit though, I'd try a less confrontational approach first ;)

There's always the "nuclear option" as a last resort (say you'll get it elsewhere) which tends to focus the mind one way or another
Definitely not the best option and opposite effect can be achieved.
I,for once,would say :Go ahead ,if my DP threatened me with this and would finish with him myself.

OP I read this comment from another poster on another thread in relationships and it reminded me of your situation:

*There is good honesty in a relationship and bad honesty. Bad honesty is where a person is not telling you things in the interest of being open and vulnerable but their honesty is a way of "setting their stall out". It looks like they are opening themselves up to you but really what they are doing is, through subtext, fixing very rigid perimeters for the way in which the relationship will play out.

It's a subtle form of control and potentially gaslighting, because even if by all measures the relationship looks as though it is evolving and deepening (as relationships need to if they are to be long term), at any point the "honest Bob" can and will refer you back to the terms and conditions that were outlined in their initial 'honest chat' and BOOM the "progress" that you thought you were making is turned to dust.

It's confusing because, of course, everybody is entitled to their wants and desires and everybody is entitled to set boundaries within relationships. But boundaries that box the other person in are, eventually, abusive*

I'm going to go totally against the grain and say that it sounds like any relationship that has survived through the honeymoon phase and has moved onto a deeper, calmer, more secure and loving stage. The relationship/sex is no longer the number one thing that occupies his every waking thought, because you're settled together so real life has crept in - and real life can make you tired, anxious, stressed, bored or any other number of things that are incompatible with wall-to-wall sexual desire.

Maybe I'm terribly naïve but it sounds quite normal to me. There is sex, love and affection in your relationship, it's just not constant and all-consuming as it was at the beginning, because it's pretty much impossible to sustain that kind of enthusiasm into perpetuity and get anything else done!

I'd be more concerned with the possibility that now the dust has settled, you might be fundamentally sexually mismatched, or that there was something troubling him (depression, stress, etc) that was affecting his sex drive.

Thanks Mackerel

So assuming this is the case, would it warrant a discussion? Or is that just going to put more pressure on and make it worse or make him feel bad about it?

You only see him at weekends and he doesn't seem in to you. Your intuition is trying to tell you something here. You said you know he is not seeing someone else but they all say that, don't they. I think he has had his head turned and is slowly pulling away from you. The passion is directed elsewhere. After this amount of time it's usually make or break in a relationship. Well documented break up stage ( 2 1/2 years) Sorry but I think there is someone else

If you lived together and had a full life together then I would look for other reasons like stress etc but only seeing each other at weekends means your relationship has not really evolved or matured. If he was into it you would know it and have no doubts whatsoever. In fact regardless of you both having children if he truly was in love with you he would be wanting to spend all his time with you and would have been finding ways to be with you/live with you or even proposed and married you by now. The fact that he has not progressed this relationship would be a big red flag to me.