Would you class this as abusive?

[WhatDoYouThinkOfThis]

A wife and mother whose husband is of another culture/language. Both partners are bilingual i.e. speak, read and write the other's language to a very high level. The language of the couple is the wife's language.

Wife/mother does everything she can to prevent the couple's DC from learning the H's language, visiting his country and having contact with his family.

I assure you I am a blood relative of the W and barely know the H or his family.

So you barely know him OR his family yet you seem to know all their feelings and thoughts on the issue?

I think you are lying and stirring because you do not like the wife.

I think you are projecting someone else's situation (your own?) on my story, and accusing me of lying when my story doesn't concur with yours.

And I don't know the H or his family's thoughts and feelings well, though since they have approached me for help I do have some idea.

I think he spends plenty of time with his DC. But the mother has made her language the de facto family language and won't go to his country or let the DC go - she takes them to her country a lot.

This bit seems really bizarre to me - why does he allow her to take the children to her home country if he isn't allowed to do likewise?

It sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship, and he has a choice - either undermine her 'silly mummy, being scared of Italian (for example), it's really easy to learn, let's try it', leave and make choices about how he interacts with the kids when they're with him, or just give in.

If he's allowing her control over choice of language then there is a broader issue with the family dynamics - he can take back some control by refusing to speak the mother's language and choosing, for example, the country's language and start to introduce some of his own, with a jocular 'oi, you lot, no German at the table! You get enough of that at school, no point growing up only being able to speak one language well. Let's speak (third language) when we're all together, it's only fair!'

I think you need to but right out.

They are in a complicated situation linguistically and - for whatever reason - have made a choice about what languages to teach their child. You'd make the decision differently - so what? It's not your choice.

This is none of your business and she does not have to explain or justify her parenting decisions to you.

None of it sounds abusive to me, though you sound controlling and over-bearing, which can be abusive.

If this is how you behave towards her she has every right to limit your contact.

Is it the H or his family who have approached you?

If the H isn't happy with the situation then he really needs to be discussing this so that the W direct to try to understand what her reasons are

If it's the H's family who have raised concerns but the H appears happy then (unless there are other concerns about the W's parenting ability) then both families really need to but out and just accept that this is the way they have agreed to raise their family

It is certainly odd to deliberately not share one of the parents language/culture with the DC but in the absence of any other issues it is not abusive

If a woman had been writing this about her husband, you'd all be saying its abusive.

Thanks for that insight mzS.

I'll not take too much notice though, as all you ever do is pop up on threads saying poor menz type stuff.

No. I think it is all to easy to throw around the word abusive when actually we mean incompatible likes and dislikes.

It may be that the family's wishes are incompatible with the wider family's. Of course it may be abusive but there really isn't enough to suggest one way or another

What help has the H's family asked for?

Be careful you don't become a flying monkey

No at all 'poor mens'. Some men are bastards and we only know part of this story.
But going off what we have been told , the way this woman is treating the dad and culture is not right .

I would say the exact same if this thread was about a woman's culture and language.

Why can't the H simply speak to his dcs in his own language or am I missing something? If he could be arsed did that, regardless of the language they speak when they're all together they'd learn his language.

It says she does everything she can to stop this from happening.
Maybe she stops the convo, starts an argument or something.

I dont think it is abusive although I agree it would help to know the languages. I must say I am impressed that two whole families from seperate countries are able to speak each others language fluently.

Hairy - you may be impressed at two languages but both families have more languages still. I think it's pretty peculiar to ensure your DCs speak several languages but not their father's mother-tongue, which is an important, totally mainstream language.

BUT WHY CAN'T HE TEACH THEM HIS OWN LANGUAGE?

WHY DOES HIS WIFE HAVE TO DO IT?

Thought I'd better shout as you're conveniently ignoring that one.

The answer is - he either can't be arsed, or isn't bothered enough. What else could it be? Yet she's getting the blame.

THAT is the problem I have with this.

Then I am even more impressed. I wish I were multilingual

Because she won't allow him to talk in his language at home. Have I not made that clear?

And because the DC are at school all day in her language and speak that language with their friends, they have had insufficient exposure to his language.

Wellerr- I don't think she allows him to as it says she does everything to stop it.

If she's ok with him teaching the children, then yea he's a lazy arse

How do you know she won't allow him?

She says so!

So you have obviously discussed it with her then

Has she honestly not provided any hint whatsover about her motives for actively creating barriers to prevent her DC learning their father's language??

I don't "discuss" it with her. I hear her.