He hits me, he emotionally abuses me but **UPDATE** - thread edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[OnlyMyDogLovesMe]

I can't imagine life without him. Been with him 12 years, since I was 18. He was my first proper boyfriend (although he'd been married once before). Things moved quickly and within three months, he'd moved me in.

I have no friends and no family around me. He is my friends and family. Every major life event i've been through with him. But, he:

Has never put me first
Has never been consistently nice to me. I always worry about his mood
Everything is my fault
He hits me, or threatens to. He's kicked me, spat on me. Not long ago, he didn't pick me up from work and left me there for four hours. I got upset because of this and when we got home (finally), he punched me so hard in the face that i couldnt eat for three days. The other night he jumped on me and i was crying and told him to remember how much he hurt me before and he said 'if I hit you, properly hit you, you'd know about it'.
Whatever I do, i'm wrong. I've changed myself over and over for him but i'm always not quite what he wants
He drinks loads and gets aggressive or falls asleep so i'm basically always by myself or with company but not entirely sure whether he will be nice to me or not

And so much more!

He recently lost his job through repeatedly making bad decisions. I'm now seeing the worst of him. Too much to say here but we have the house on the market and we are now at a crossroads. Logically, i know that this isnt healthy but despite everything I fear that:

A) it will crush him and
B) I wont cope. That I'll regret it. That nobody will love me again. That i'll see him with somebody else being happy and it will hurt me.

No idea what i want from this post. I think I just needed to write these things down whilst he is drunk and asleep in the kitchen, again. I'm just so tired, heart-tired.

Sorry that was a bit of an essay.

It sounds like an appalling situation for you to be in. You deserve more than this. You deserve to be happy.

Call womens aid.

He hit you so hard you couldn't eat for three days? He could kill you you know.

Don't worry about him not making it without you, save yourself.

You could be away from all this.

Im scared that I will make a bad decision (either way)

But your gut is telling you it's not right, isn't it?

You deserve so much more than this.

Please call Women's Aid and get some support.

You have to be the priority. Put yourself first.

No-one should live like this . Do you have anywhere you can go to- parents ,friends? Do you have money for a hotel?
You need to get away from this person.He doesnt love you as a partner should .He sounds like a very controlling person who will never be happy with your efforts to please him. You will never be happy while you're with him. To help the situation you need to separate - for both your sakes.

The sooner the better i think

The right decision is to leave. As someone said, he actually could kill you but either way, you deserve better. Being on your own would be better than being with him.

Call Woman's Aid. Make a plan and get yourself back.

No one should ever have to live like this, there is so much more out there for you. Someone who respects, cherishes and loves you is who you should be with. Please call womens aid this isn't how anyone should live x

If you've been with him for 12 years since you were 18 you're only 30. Do it soon. Your post is the first step, and it might take you a while but do it soon. If you can't pack a bag and go tonight back a bag to leave it your locker/drawer/desk at work for the day you just never go back.

Once you're looking at this relationship from the outside instead of being in it I doubt you will feel hurt or regretful at seeing him with someone else, more likely you will feel relieved for yourself and something approaching sympathy for his new victim. This relationship isn't normal or healthy OP but that's difficult to see when you're living it. As a first step you need to contact Women's Aid, are you away from him anytime for long enough to call them, at work maybe? Don't think past that first step for now, one thing at a time but please ring them, tell them what you've told us and let them help you plan what you should do next. Posters on here could talk you through it step by step but you sound like you need time to get your head around the fact that you need to leave him so I'm not going to bombard you with too much information now. Ring them, listen to what they say then come back here and talk it through if you need to but please take that first step, Fuzzy is right, he could kill you next time.

Please while you can get out. Phone 0208 4458060 women's aid they will help you. Good luck.

Yes Maisie, and i'm so lonely too. He told me to go away earlier so i came upstairs and he's just stayed downstairs drinking and fallen asleep.

Tomorrow, when I get up, I know he'll be in a mood with me for not spending my evening with him. I know that if I point out that he told me to go away, he'll shout at me and tell me i'm fucked up in the head. I know this because it happens all the time.

I live him so muchbut I can't carry on like this.

You are in a terrible situation BUT your life doesn't have to be like this. As a pp said, you are only 30. That's still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You have already admitted to yourself that he won't change, but you can change your life and circumstances and you deserve a life where you are respected, you are free to see your friends and family, you are not in danger of being hurt (or worse). Please seek help from Women's Aid. It may seem insurmountably hard now, but you CAN do it.

Go there tomorrow, for an hour, and I bet you'll never look back.

Ironically, here feels safe and it's home. Out there i'd feel really unprotected. I know that sounds bizarre. I'm trying to be honest with myself as well as explain myself. He does make me feel looked after. But when i really examine it, i dont know where that feeling comes from.

Op your post made me cry. Please don't live like this I couldn't imagine being treated like he treats you. You deserve the world, please get out. You'll be strong on your own. Sending you hugs and love.

Do the Freedom Programme. Google it, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Finding out about this man (eg through the Freedom Programme) will be the making of you. Something about doing the course and meeting other women in similar relationships (ordinary women like you and me) is a huge boost to self confidence and strength - you go off line a rocket! It gets your head straight in record time somehow.

Can you confide in your friend without him finding out? Does he know you have a key to her home?

It probably comes from being controlled OP, it's a mixture of being made to feel stupid/inferior/incapable/confused (delete as appropriate) and, whether obviously or more insidiously, not being allowed to make your own decisions or control your own life. When a person is made to live like that for any length of time you lose confidence in your ability to cope or manage life on your own and so become reliant on your abusive partner. What will surprise you when you eventually break free is how quickly that confidence and ability to cope comes back, it's just hard making the break in the first place but it gets easier really fast once you've done it.

Thanks accidental. Written down this all looks terrible but most of the time i even question that im in an abusive relationship.

I think half of why im here is to get external confirmation that this isn't what goes on behind everybody's closed doors really.