I can't imagine life without him. Been with him 12 years, since I was 18. He was my first proper boyfriend (although he'd been married once before). Things moved quickly and within three months, he'd moved me in.
I have no friends and no family around me. He is my friends and family. Every major life event i've been through with him. But, he:
Has never put me first
Has never been consistently nice to me. I always worry about his mood
Everything is my fault
He hits me, or threatens to. He's kicked me, spat on me. Not long ago, he didn't pick me up from work and left me there for four hours. I got upset because of this and when we got home (finally), he punched me so hard in the face that i couldnt eat for three days. The other night he jumped on me and i was crying and told him to remember how much he hurt me before and he said 'if I hit you, properly hit you, you'd know about it'.
Whatever I do, i'm wrong. I've changed myself over and over for him but i'm always not quite what he wants
He drinks loads and gets aggressive or falls asleep so i'm basically always by myself or with company but not entirely sure whether he will be nice to me or not
And so much more!
He recently lost his job through repeatedly making bad decisions. I'm now seeing the worst of him. Too much to say here but we have the house on the market and we are now at a crossroads. Logically, i know that this isnt healthy but despite everything I fear that:
A) it will crush him and
B) I wont cope. That I'll regret it. That nobody will love me again. That i'll see him with somebody else being happy and it will hurt me.
No idea what i want from this post. I think I just needed to write these things down whilst he is drunk and asleep in the kitchen, again. I'm just so tired, heart-tired.