He hits me, he emotionally abuses me but **UPDATE** - thread edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[OnlyMyDogLovesMe]

I can't imagine life without him. Been with him 12 years, since I was 18. He was my first proper boyfriend (although he'd been married once before). Things moved quickly and within three months, he'd moved me in.

I have no friends and no family around me. He is my friends and family. Every major life event i've been through with him. But, he:

Has never put me first
Has never been consistently nice to me. I always worry about his mood
Everything is my fault
He hits me, or threatens to. He's kicked me, spat on me. Not long ago, he didn't pick me up from work and left me there for four hours. I got upset because of this and when we got home (finally), he punched me so hard in the face that i couldnt eat for three days. The other night he jumped on me and i was crying and told him to remember how much he hurt me before and he said 'if I hit you, properly hit you, you'd know about it'.
Whatever I do, i'm wrong. I've changed myself over and over for him but i'm always not quite what he wants
He drinks loads and gets aggressive or falls asleep so i'm basically always by myself or with company but not entirely sure whether he will be nice to me or not

And so much more!

He recently lost his job through repeatedly making bad decisions. I'm now seeing the worst of him. Too much to say here but we have the house on the market and we are now at a crossroads. Logically, i know that this isnt healthy but despite everything I fear that:

A) it will crush him and
B) I wont cope. That I'll regret it. That nobody will love me again. That i'll see him with somebody else being happy and it will hurt me.

No idea what i want from this post. I think I just needed to write these things down whilst he is drunk and asleep in the kitchen, again. I'm just so tired, heart-tired.

When the time comes OP and you have everything in place, somewhere to go etc could you say you're taking the dog for a walk and just never go back? I could never leave my dogs so can understand how you feel.

I have never yet met a woman who regrets leaving an abusive relationship, but plenty who regret staying.

When you say you love him, what you are feeling is called traumatic bonding. Also know as Stockholm Syndrome. Google it, I guarantee you will recognise yourself.

If you stay he could end up killing you, please find the strength to ring women's aid. They won't judge you, they will help you with anything that you need.

You're right when you said you need to visualise leaving. Imagine a life without someone hurting you, a home that truly is safe, with people in your life who want only good things for you. Imagine it in all that detail, you can have that.

Sending you strength OP.

Just a thought OP are you safe online? Make sure you delete your browser history or use private browsing if there's any chance he has access to your device, abuse often gets worse if they know you're gearing up to leave.

It isn't normal or acceptable. If you need someone to give you permission to leave then this thread is full of posters doing just that.

You have spent too much time bending yourself to fit him, changing yourself for him. He doesn't deserve a bit of it. You should be with someone who loves you, respects you and accepts you.

Is the house in your name?

Pet Retreat would help with your dog. They were established in collaboration with Women's Aid for people with pets fleeing domestic abuse www.rspca.org.uk/whatwedo/petretreat

Writing it down makes it real, doesn't it, and when you look back at what you have written in black and white you can see more clearly how bad it is, and you can't minimise it.
I am so sorry you are in this shit situation, but you can get out. Please contact Women's Aid for practical advice. I think the sooner you get out the better, in terms of both your physical and mental wellbeing.
This man is extremely abusive and dangerous. You may love him, but he doesn't love you. You don't hurt and abuse someone you love.
Please start planning your escape and go. You deserve so much better than this.
Hug for you

I have also cried reading your post and am scared for your safety. Please know this is not a healthy normal relationship. This is not what goes on behind closed doors. This is terrifying and abusive. He had hurt you physically and emotionally regularly puts you down. Your new normal will look scary but you will gain friends along the way. It's great you have somewhere to go to. I agree with a previous poster just go and spend an hour there and start to visulise a safe life. A life where your not walking on egg shells. Where you can watch what you want on tv, not worry about him getting drunk. You don't mention children? Take care, find more people in real life to disclose what is going on to help you get stronger. One step at a time...

Please Don't put up with this!! He will only get worse I'm so sorry but it's true. The hardest part is realising that this relationship isn't going to work. I know it's much easier said than done but I've grown up with a heavy drinker and it's one of the most soul destroying things to whiteness. U deserve more and I hope u know that. Please don't accept it as a way of life

That i'll see him with somebody else being happy and it will hurt me.

He will never be happy. With or without you.

So glad you are realising you can and must leave him

Plan your escape.... Sell the house and move away. Would you want your do to live like this?

You'll see him with someone else and worry he's putting her through the hell he did you.

I'm okay thanks Maki. He hasn't said one word to me today, not one. I'm waiting. Eventually, he'll come and shout at me. I'm just painting some shelves and thinking a lot about what people wrote last night. I feel guilty about posting the thread but I think the responses helped me clarify a few things.

The house has nothing to do with me unfortunately Liz Despite living here for over a decade he's never put me on the mortgage. I've always paid him rent but in cash. So on that front i'm screwed. I don't exist.

For those asking about children, no we don't have any, thankfully.

Oh lovely, I so hope you get out of this living nightmare.

No, it's not normal, yes, you would so cope alone.

How could it be worse?

Use that key, run and never look back.

Sending you love and strength

If you can't take your dog and are in London or surrounding areas dogs trust will look after it in a foster home, or rspamca have a similar scheme as a PP said.

So imagine it op. You take your key and you take the dog for a walk. You get to your friends place, close the door behind you and shut the abuse out. You can sit downstairs on the sofa and watch TV without worrying that there's someone else there seething with you for no reason. You can do what you like, go to bed when you want, you don't have to walk on eggshells.

You'd be free for the first time in 12 years. You're the same age as me op...you're so young and you deserve to be loved and cherished.

That's not love...

I'd rather be single and safe for the rest of my life than live with a bully who beat me up.

Please start making an exit plan! And in the meantime, if he hits you again, CALL THE POLICE.

Well done for posting and talking about it.

That's a massive first step.

Can you say what you love about him? How does he make you feel safe and happy and loved?

You say 'you can't imagine life without him' but what you have had for the last 12 years isn't a life. You have just been existing.

A life lived in fear, is a life not lived...this is a Spanish proverb, but so true.

Please, please, please leave him and live your life free of fear. There's a world of difference between being 'alone' and being 'lonely', I promise you.

If he is violent then one day he could kill you. But by staying with him you're letting him slowly kill you by degrees, anyway.

Leave, just please leave.

This is heartbreaking please get some help op and leave him. If he can punch you that hard that you couldn't eat for 3 days he could kill you

I would recommend two things to you - the first is this TED talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner on the domestic abuse she endured as a young woman. She looks and sounds nothing like a 'typical' domestic abuse victim, but that's her exact point: it can happen to any of us.

The second is Marian Keyes' novel This Charming Man. The clue is in the title - to the outside world he is possessed of a great magnetic charm but that is not the real him. The same is true in your case - he can't be the persona he presents the the world, that is not who he is.