He hits me, he emotionally abuses me but **UPDATE** - thread edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[OnlyMyDogLovesMe]

I can't imagine life without him. Been with him 12 years, since I was 18. He was my first proper boyfriend (although he'd been married once before). Things moved quickly and within three months, he'd moved me in.

I have no friends and no family around me. He is my friends and family. Every major life event i've been through with him. But, he:

Has never put me first
Has never been consistently nice to me. I always worry about his mood
Everything is my fault
He hits me, or threatens to. He's kicked me, spat on me. Not long ago, he didn't pick me up from work and left me there for four hours. I got upset because of this and when we got home (finally), he punched me so hard in the face that i couldnt eat for three days. The other night he jumped on me and i was crying and told him to remember how much he hurt me before and he said 'if I hit you, properly hit you, you'd know about it'.
Whatever I do, i'm wrong. I've changed myself over and over for him but i'm always not quite what he wants
He drinks loads and gets aggressive or falls asleep so i'm basically always by myself or with company but not entirely sure whether he will be nice to me or not

And so much more!

He recently lost his job through repeatedly making bad decisions. I'm now seeing the worst of him. Too much to say here but we have the house on the market and we are now at a crossroads. Logically, i know that this isnt healthy but despite everything I fear that:

A) it will crush him and
B) I wont cope. That I'll regret it. That nobody will love me again. That i'll see him with somebody else being happy and it will hurt me.

No idea what i want from this post. I think I just needed to write these things down whilst he is drunk and asleep in the kitchen, again. I'm just so tired, heart-tired.

OP, I haven't been where you are now and I am so sorry that you and other women have to endure this awful kind of behaviour.

But let me tell you for a moment what my relationship is like.

He is kind and thoughtful and giving - enotionally giving, he doesn't withhold affection or shy away from me. I have never had to modify my behaviour to be something he wants that isn't my regular self. He has never made me feel that I am not good enough or wrong or somehow lacking.

I don't worry about him coming home and what mood he will be in.

He has never told me to go away. He has never used a single abusive word to me. Not one, not ever.

I love him because he is a brilliant human being. It's not because I fear being alone or couldn't imagine my life without him, it's because of the man that he is, and having him in my life makes my life a joyous place.

That is what my loving relationship looks like. And that is what I would wish for you.

Take that key. I can guarantee that whatever else happens, it's the key to a future that at the very least will be free of being hit and abused.

May good fortune follow you.

And I'm not saying all that to crow or gloat but to show you that what you are suffering is unacceptable and unthinkable to most people, men and women alike.

Doesn't being physically and emotionally abused crush you every single time it happens?

Without him, you might actually get a chance to make friends. Try it. The water's lovely.

All the best, OP.

Please get help

Op you might not feel it but there is a lot of strength and courage in your posts. You don't respect him (quite rightly, he sounds an utter shitbag). You've been thinking this is love yet he's isolated you to the point where you feel you have no one else.

What about parents or siblings?

Make a plan. You can do this.

I'm still here. He threw a complete curveball today. After ignoring me for hours he was suddenly and uncharacteristically very nice to me. Brought me a cup of tea and asked me what I was doing. It's this sort of thing that makes me think 'it's not so bad', and then it all goes away. Until the next time.

I'm still mulling over everything. I looked up trauma bonding and a few other things. It's a textbook match but i'm still having difficulty convincing myself.

I understand why you say all of that flighty, I didn't think you were gloating :)It's good forme to hear that it is possible.

Mephisto, I really don't know. It's like the answers are on the tip of my tongue. It's just his general presence. He's like the other half of me.

Has he read your posts? Could that be why he's being nice?

Sorry, name changed and forgot to change back. Should have clocked that.

No, i'm on my tablet and he doesn't use it. He's not great on computers. I'm going to take my tablet to work withme tomorrow though. Getting a bit paranoid. I think maybe he knew he'd crossed a line.

Its just so depressing. I get to the end of the weekend and i'm worn out, just in time to go back to work!

Work probably gives you more headspace than home, tbh. Use it to work out how you're going to get away from being inured to such vile treatment.

Do you enjoy being at work?

Call the police, show them this, they’ll deal with it. Don’t stay there, don’t let him do this to you. There is a life out there for you, 999 or 111 and you can have it. It’s not easy but the first time will lead to a path that will set you free.

He’s institutionalised you, you’re a prisoner, you have the key, set yourself free. Call the police, get them to warn him off and get an injunction.

My god!

Please just walk and dont look back

Yeah I love my job. I'm probably going to get a load of passive aggressive texts from him tomorrow though. I just told him i'm going to bed and instead of his usual 'well fuck off then' or suchlike, he just said he'll let the dog back in in a minute. Something definitely brewing.

I'm really thinking about it travelling and Apple, I promise you I am.

Well, the facts are men such as him are more likely then not to continue battering their partners till they snap and kill them.He actually needs to be arrested.

I really think you need to reach out to agencies dealing with domestic abuse who can help you get out.

I promise you I am

Actually quite good news. Stick to that resolve x (yes, a real, actual x, despite MN!)

There various reasons why he may be being 'nice'. ( Although that may not mean the same thing to you as to someone else, I'm afraid.) One thing to remember, though, is that it won't last. You need to keep that key close in your thoughts.

There may be

Have you ever thought of invoking procedures under Clare's Law? (The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme.) Your local force and the associated agencies should take that very seriously indeed.