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Original poster

Should I ask my new bff if she's flirting with me?

90 replies

SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:11

I don't know if this is a situation which calls for blunt honesty, or for letting sleeping dogs lie.

I got chatting to this woman through a mutual acquaintance a few months ago, and we ended up arranging to take the kids out together. We get on very well, as do the kids, so we've met up again. And again. And again.

It's a nice thing - but I've become a bit concious of how intense the friendship has got - both in the frequency/length of interactions and the range/depth of conversation. If she was a man - I would have backed off a long way back out of respect for DH.

I have a sense that she's maybe in a more fragile place than me - so I want to make sure I don't end up somehow hurting her.

Should I
a) consciously cool the friendship for no outward reason
b) have a hideously embarrassing conversation
c) keep on with the new-best-mates schtick and hope it'll settle into a great long term friendship with a lovely person

OP posts:
EarthboundMisfit · 16/07/2016 21:15

What exactly is it that makes you think she's flirting?

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:26

I dunno - she just seems very comfortable around me and my kids. One of my DC has SEN, and she doesn't bat an eyelid about it - is very patient with mucking in. Normally with a friend I'd meet up once a month at most, and two hours at a time at most, with everyone on best behaviour. With this woman a couple of times it's got to second bottle of wine, 10pm, sharing life stories, kids tucked upstairs together with a DVD . If it was a man after a couple of months of acquaintance, I would view that as being over-familiar and flirty.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 16/07/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mzS1990 · 16/07/2016 21:27

Yeah she fancies you ....Hmm

You are kidding right?

AnyFucker · 16/07/2016 21:30

That doesn't sound very flirty to me

Have you ever had a good female friend before ?

JCo24 · 16/07/2016 21:31

Do you or have you ever had romantic/ and or sexual feelings for a woman? And do you know whether she has. Because if you both class yourself as bisexual or anything else, that's when you need to worry about it.

LetMeJustStepOnMySoapbox · 16/07/2016 21:32

Um, that isn't flirting. That's a friend.

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:35

I have - but they've tended to develop a bit more slowly.

I'm being a bit more careful feel there's a power dis-balance since I'm older and married. She is single and I get the gist that her last relationship drove a coach and horses through her self-esteem and wellbeing. My closest friends have always been my direct peers (eg uni friends, school friends).

OP posts:
Sirona · 16/07/2016 21:36

I'm useless at flirting but even I could do better than that. What you've described is friendship not flirting.

TheoriginalLEM · 16/07/2016 21:40

So you consider yourself better than her? Shock

SonicSpotlight · 16/07/2016 21:40

'Normally with a friend I'd meet up once a month at most, and two hours at a time at most'

Really?

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:40

I did ask DH if he minded this person spending so much time with us - and he did say that it was as likely to be me projecting feelings onto her rather than vice versa Grin . Which is probably fair. But not especially a problem I don't think, unless the feelings are reciprocated and I'm somehow playing mind games.

OP posts:
Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:43

Whoah - LEM - where did I say better? I meant that - if there is an undeclared romantic aspect to this new friendship - then for me it'd much easier to shrug if off as a bit of fun, since I am more settled and emotionally in a more secure place.

OP posts:
Littletabbyocelot · 16/07/2016 21:44

I had rubbish friends until my thirties & now I have friends who enjoy spending time with me just doing nothing, who are solidly there for me in a crisis, who act like I'm really important to them and... I really struggle with it. I find myself wondering why. I had to give myself a talking to. She sounds just like a really good friend.

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:47

Sonic - how often to you meet up with your friends? Once you've done work, homework, dinner, bath, bed, cleaning - there's really not much more time! Excluding incidental meetings (eg school run) - even people I've been close to, it's a struggle to carve out an evening drink.

OP posts:
EarthboundMisfit · 16/07/2016 21:50

I spend loads of time with one of my friends. We are very comfortable with each other and all our DC, which is unusual for me, but there isn't a sexual aspect. Either something iis missing from your posts, or I just don't see why you've jumped to that.

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:55

If the gender was male - would you not step back and ask why someone was suddenly so motivated to wipe down your kitchen table while you're upstairs sorting laundry, do puzzles with your DC, hang out into the night chatting?

It's a really lovely new friendship - I like her and she likes me - but I would have cut a man off in principle under the same circs.

OP posts:
Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:56

I'm happy to be told I'm overthinking it!

I'd go for easy and cheerful option C!

OP posts:
LetMeJustStepOnMySoapbox · 16/07/2016 21:57

Wow, you sound quite arrogant.

How do you know she isn't saying to her friends that you are lovely but you have a husband and children, one with SN, you're busy with the children and family stuff and don't get out much and so her friendship with you has moved quite quickly as you are not fettered by the same restrictions as her. And as lovely as you are, she hopes that you're not seeing this friendship as more than it is and hoping for a bit of 'excitement'.

When you're young and single, older, married women with children are often something to be pitied, rather than an aspiration and you feel they've sold out and lost their identify and their friendships and spend their lives doing homework, cooking dinner, bedtime routine, cleaning... which, by your own admission, does describe you.

Or rather, you probably both get something from this friendship.

She might well benefit from the lack of crazy nights out and, what feels like, a true friendship developing.

You are benefiting from someone who is free to develop a friendship free from childcare and partner responsibilities.

Not everyone who is friendly to you is going to fancy you.

user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 21:58

That's just a friendship.
I have 2 really close friends and we hang out as much as possible.
I think she is just being a friend

Mikkalina · 16/07/2016 21:58

But you don't have to see her that often. Say, you are going out somewhere and cannot do it today.

LetMeJustStepOnMySoapbox · 16/07/2016 21:59

I wouldn't assume a man fancied me either.

Fatrascals · 16/07/2016 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

MsStricty · 16/07/2016 22:00

I wonder if you're projecting, OP - and actually you are not aware of your feelings for her because they are a threat?

Hockeydude · 16/07/2016 22:00

I don't think it's flirting.

However I'd still be a bit careful. Just as it's a red flag in relationships with men for things to be moving very fast, it is also a red flag in female friendships. Has she got any other friends? Does she want something from you eg lots of free babysitting?