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Original poster

Should I ask my new bff if she's flirting with me?

90 replies

SolderSity · 16/07/2016 21:11

I don't know if this is a situation which calls for blunt honesty, or for letting sleeping dogs lie.

I got chatting to this woman through a mutual acquaintance a few months ago, and we ended up arranging to take the kids out together. We get on very well, as do the kids, so we've met up again. And again. And again.

It's a nice thing - but I've become a bit concious of how intense the friendship has got - both in the frequency/length of interactions and the range/depth of conversation. If she was a man - I would have backed off a long way back out of respect for DH.

I have a sense that she's maybe in a more fragile place than me - so I want to make sure I don't end up somehow hurting her.

Should I
a) consciously cool the friendship for no outward reason
b) have a hideously embarrassing conversation
c) keep on with the new-best-mates schtick and hope it'll settle into a great long term friendship with a lovely person

OP posts:
SisterViktorine · 16/07/2016 22:01

Are you attracted to this new friend Solder? Do you think it is more?

LetMeJustStepOnMySoapbox · 16/07/2016 22:01

If I'm at my friend's house whilst she is doing housework, I will play with her grandchildren if they are there, or do another job.

It means that we can still have conversation even though there is housework to be done.

It means that the boring jobs will be finished sooner rather than later so we can get on with drinking wine and talking about boys.

I'm nice and I am happy to help someone out if/where I can.

Branleuse · 16/07/2016 22:03

If my best friend was male it would certainly be inapporopriate with some of the things we might discuss.

I think it sounds like a best friendship rather than a normal friendship or flirty

LetMeJustStepOnMySoapbox · 16/07/2016 22:03

I don't fancy her.

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:03

Soapbox she's a single mum.

OP posts:
mzS1990 · 16/07/2016 22:03

No if a male or female wiped down my kitchen counters, I wouldn't think they want to sleep with me

TheWindInThePillows · 16/07/2016 22:04

It doesn't sound like she fancies you, no indication of that.

It does sound though like the friendship has become very intense and 'domestic' for want of a better word, perhaps before you truly know her that well.

If you feel uncomfortable, or just prefer for a slower friendship to develop, then just be a tad less available, leave it a bit longer to arrange stuff or do the things you want to do rather than letting her wipe down the table.

There is a chance she might have a crush on you, it's not unheard of, but she may just also like the role she's developing in your family- however if that's not what you want from the friendship, I think it's better to put a few boundaries in place now.

Fatrascals · 16/07/2016 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

LetMeJustStepOnMySoapbox · 16/07/2016 22:06

Sorry, don't know how I missed that, well in that case she's probably just pleased she's found someone to be friends with who she can have her children around.

I'm not sure I'd ever have jumped to 'flirting' from what you've described.

More than that, I have a female acquaintance who does flirt with me. I think she's quite a flirty person, generally, as she flirts with a mutual male friend too. It doesn't bother me. I don't assume someone fancies me even if they do flirt with me and I have no idea what her sexuality is. I wouldn't let it disrupt a friendship unless it became uncomfortable. But seriously, there is no flirting in what you describe.

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:12

Fatrascals my DCs SEN tends to be a factor in my socialising. I tend to be quite careful to not overload him, to avoid meltdowns etc. I always sit down before we meet people and talk about what we're doing and what my behaviour expectations are.

I might get on with another mum very well, but I have to be a bit careful that my DC doesn't do something to upset her DC, and it can be a bit hard work for extended stretches.

The same with bells on when it comes to hanging out with my close friends without DC - of whom it is very demanding to tolerate kid nonsense - let alone tantrums, sensory issues and the like.

OP posts:
SisterViktorine · 16/07/2016 22:17

So, do you fancy her?

Fatrascals · 16/07/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

blowmybarnacles · 16/07/2016 22:21

She must be wiping down the counters so she can take you on them and give you a good seeing to which is as about far fetched as the rest of what you are implying

Really, just enjoy your new friendship Grin

motherinferior · 16/07/2016 22:25

I'm a bit of a flirt. Kitchen counter-wiping has not featured in my repertoire so far.

Though I quite like it a euphemism. "Oooh, wipe my counters down, Sir Jasper"...

Oh and in answer to your first question: no, but do you fancy her?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 16/07/2016 22:26

I'm actually so confused and baffled by this. Not one thing you have described even indicates flirting at all. She's a close friend actually a good one who's happy to help clean and interact with the kids and isn't phased by your d's sen. Not one thing indicates she fancies you...is she even bi? Do you fancy her is that why you are jumping to these conclusions?

To be fair if I had a male friend, him wiping down my table legs and playing with the kids would NOT be considered flirting.

Fairylea · 16/07/2016 22:26

I think you're attracted to her. There's no way you'd look at things like this otherwise.

motherinferior · 16/07/2016 22:26

Be thorough with that J-cloth....

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:26

FAT She and her kids don't seem to push my kids anxiety buttons - and they kind of laugh off the crazy stuff when it happens. Stuff like screaming, kicking under the dinner table, insisting we leave a place immediately, random insults.

OP posts:
RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 16/07/2016 22:27

If she fancied you, she would be much more likely to tread very carefully and be hyper-formal, wouldn't she?

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:32

viktorine there's more than a bit of 'girl crush' - because I think she's fabulous in her personality and achievements - but not necessarily in a pupils dilating, pulse racing kind of way. I'd identify myself as straight - but all women are a bit bi- aren't they?

OP posts:
SisterViktorine · 16/07/2016 22:33

I agree with Fairylea, I think the attraction is on your part OP. It is tricky and confusing first time it happens. Not wrong though, don't worry about it. Just move on like you would if an attractive bloke crossed your path.

Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:35

exasperated would your DH really be comfortable with a new male friend hanging out for hours every week, playing tag team parenting with the kids and then settling down to a bottle of wine?

OP posts:
Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:36

But - like I said - the easiest answer is to be told to roll with it and stop over-thinking!

OP posts:
Original poster
SolderSity · 16/07/2016 22:39

(To clarify - my DH is rarely home before 10-11pm ish - so he's not present at these soirées).

OP posts:
SisterViktorine · 16/07/2016 22:42

but all women are a bit bi- aren't they?

No

This I have discovered by being bi.