Should I ask my new bff if she's flirting with me?

[SolderSity]

I don't know if this is a situation which calls for blunt honesty, or for letting sleeping dogs lie.

I got chatting to this woman through a mutual acquaintance a few months ago, and we ended up arranging to take the kids out together. We get on very well, as do the kids, so we've met up again. And again. And again.

It's a nice thing - but I've become a bit concious of how intense the friendship has got - both in the frequency/length of interactions and the range/depth of conversation. If she was a man - I would have backed off a long way back out of respect for DH.

I have a sense that she's maybe in a more fragile place than me - so I want to make sure I don't end up somehow hurting her.

Should I
a) consciously cool the friendship for no outward reason
b) have a hideously embarrassing conversation
c) keep on with the new-best-mates schtick and hope it'll settle into a great long term friendship with a lovely person

but all women are a bit bi- aren't they?

No, all women are not a bit bi. You may be, though.

I really cant understand where you have got the idea she is flirting OP if im honest.

Me and my bestie are close as close, hold hands, hug and kiss. Have deep convos about anything and everything. Our relationship is a close one, but even my friendships with other women seem a lot closer than yours and yoru friends, and I just dont question them.

What you have described is someone being at home in your company and mucking in with the family, is that not normal?

For the love of god I dont advise you call her out on it, its weird and out of nowhere.

Maybe.

It's not the first time I've had a 'girl crush' - or even the first of such girl-crushes that have become great friends - but it's maybe the first time that the girl crush focus has done most of the running to get better acquainted.

Well no he wouldn't because I wouldn't make friends with a male in that sense. But I basically do that with my best friend and there's no issues. I don't think it's your dh that's the problem tbh, I don't think it's your friend either. I think because you are looking at her as more than a friend you are projecting.

I'm most definitely not bi. I can look at women and appreciate how beautiful they are or think she's got a great bum/boobs/legs/eyes. But, I don't feel attracted to them at all.

If wiping down the kitchen surfaces is flirting then I can safely say DH is crap at flirting with me. What you have described OP sounds like most of my female friendships..

exasperating but why are the interpretations so polarised depending on gender? A man - 'wouldn't make friends with a male in that sense'. A woman - baffling to even question it.

Well I personally don't have male friends independently of my husband. We do have male friends that are both our friends. But I don't ever make male friends on my own. so if I did it would be out of the norm.

Lots of women on here do have many male friends though and so for them and their dh it probably wouldn't be an issue either.

I just don't see how you can think she's flirting just from what you have said. It's not actually flirting is it?

Interpretations are polarised depending on gender because society polices gender relationships based on a premise that we're mostly heterosexual. It's not a good thing, but it is sometimes the case. For that reason, you'll find that some people will also expect a gay man, or a lesbian woman, to fall in with heteronormative expectations of platonic same-sex friendships. I know a lot of women who get nasty comments of 'oh, she can't really be a lesbian, she is so close with her male friend'.

But I agree with others that you're reading into this based on your own interest. I don't think it is usual for someone happy in their marriage and heterosexual to have repeated 'girl crushes' or to over-interpret friendly behaviour so much. Not criticising you for that, but I do think you need to think about yourself a bit more and your friend a bit less?

I'm getting a lot of fun at my expense about the surfaces!

You must get what I mean.

There was a chap who had a crush on me at uni - and he'd just follow me around with the thinnest excuses. Like not go home after lectures if I wasn't going home. Sitting within sight of me in the library. He never did any overt flirting - other than being very interested in what I said/read/did - and being disproportionately often to be found near me. Until one day he declared that I was the love of his life - and that he knew I'd never leave my boyfriend so he'd just go and find a quiet corner to curl up and mourn in. It was really horrible actually - he was a nice chap - I was just the wrong person for him to become fixated on. I felt then that I should have toned down my friendliness much earlier - before things got to the point of snot and tears.

Do you want her to have a crush on you?

Because it really doesn't sound like she does.

I am an actual real life gay woman and I behave like your friend when I am round my straight friend's houses and I don't fancy them at all.

I would be insulted to think that by bonding with my friend's kids and having a close friendship could be interpreted as flirting.

I don't think the issue is sexuality or whether she fancies you, as there isn't anything to suggest that. I suspect that the issue is intimacy. This has got quite intimate much more quickly than you're used to and it's freaking you out. You'd be more comfortable with a bit more distance. Right?

No, she sounds like a new friend that has really gelled with you. This is a good and lovely thing, when you meet some one who accepts you and your family as you are. A thing to treasure. Not flirting.

It's not the kids per se, or the housey stuff.

It's the getting very intense very quick - which those things are a manifestation of.

I'd never spoken to her before May - and she's now the person I spend the most leisure time with after my DH.

Ok, but you're not at university now, or 19, are you?

So unless your friend is unusually immature, no, she is almost certainly not flirting.

It sounds as if she hasn't given the idea of you in a romantic light a moment's thought - if she had, she would surely be awkward and inappropriate, which is what you describe with your teenage crush. She just sounds like a normal woman who is being friendly.

That answer was to Dakin.

Biscuit - I think intimacy is a really good way of describing it.

Maybe you're a little scared that she 'needs' you, and/or even that you need her? It's much safer to be self-sufficient (except for DH of course).

(Yes I am projecting a bit here )

Making new friends is always more difficult as an adult and finding someone you gel and can be yourself with is great.
Maybe she is lonely and enjoys your company.
I think because you are less worried about your childs behaviour around her you are more relaxed which is a bonus.

I wonder if she'll become the type of friend who depends on you more and more and more and you can't say no because she's always been so good to you. I knew a woman like this, amazing friend, would do anything for you but in the end I realised all the initial input from her was so she could call on me day and night for everything and anything and I'd find it hard to say no. Really manipulative and in the end I had to cut her off for the sake of my mental health.

She sounds really nice!

Yes, after careful re-reading - I think you have a crush on her. This wouldn't bother me: I have crushes on all my favourite friends. It's normal to me and they wouldn't be favourite friends if I didn't lurve them! I can see how it's disconcerting for someone whose relationship style is quite - umm, rigid by comparison, though.

So my advice is pretty much the same as it would be to someone posting that their boyfriend's lovely but she's starting to feel it's getting a bit too intense. Pedal it back a bit, to a level that's comfortable for you :) No need for meaningful explanations, just bump the evenings on to later dates and have something to go to after your 2 hours or whatever.

Doesn't sound like she's flirting, no.

Wtf this must be a joke? Shes being a friend this isnt flirty i find it odd that you think it is its your issue not hers please dont bring this up to her ull look crazy

May is very recent, and this is pretty quick for a friendship to get intense.

But it is her that suggests opening the second bottle? Or even staying for the first?

I've been the one putting the bottle of wine on the table.

She's been the one coming back with 'great - how about next Tuesday' type of thing when I've wrapped up a meeting with a comment along the lines of 'that was fun, we should do it again'.

I have a new friend like that too. She seems to have replaced all their friends as I spend so much time with her!

I see her every couple of days, we've been on holiday together with the kids, she sleeps over here sometimes despite not living far away.

We talk about all sorts of stuff, she did my ironing while I cooked one night, I've cried on her shoulder while Dh was in hospital and she hugged me for ages.

It's what friends do I believe! I haven't known her long either (this year) but she is the best friend I've ever had already. And long may it continue.

She is also drop dead gorgeous, properly stunning but I don't fancy her - I admire her though!